And make sure to read these and .

1. “Comedy is often about pain.”

2. “You know, they say if it’s grey, it’s healthy for you.”

3. “You know something is a hit comedically if you can just call up one of your friends and belt out a line from the show and you both start laughing.”

4. “I’m not a very good actor, so I break character all the time.”

5. “Why are you trying to be all things to all people?”

6. “Patriotism is the conviction that your country is superior to all others ‘cause you were born in it.”

7. “ of what comedy can do and what comedy can be.”

8. “The Lord may or may not be real. Who is to say that God exists?”

9. “I don’t really know how music and comedy are similar. I try never to dissect it theoretically or academically.”

10. “Why weren’t black people in the Lord of the Rings?”

11. “I’m an elderly Jewish lesbian trapped in a 33-year-old nerd’s body.”

12. “Once you realize you don’t have to sleep anymore, your mind goes wide open!”

13. “Freedom ain’t not free!”

14. “Do you think Margaret Thatcher had girl power? Do you think she effectively utilized girl power by funneling money into illegal paramilitary death squads in Northern Ireland?”

15. “Why would you say something so controversial yet so brave?”

16. “If cats could talk, they wouldn’t.”

17. “How many n-bombs are dropped? It depends on what I post.”

18. “I don’t think comedians take advantage of the fact that television and film are visual mediums.”

19. “I have done some formal acting training because I sucked at acting when I first got to Los Angeles. I’m still one of the worst actors and auditions out there.”

20. “I think part of it is the fact that they were kind of the first of its kind.”

21. “I was a class clown since second grade.”

22. “‘The Simpsons’ is like Charlie Parker or Marlon Brando or Richard Pryor. Comedy couldn’t go back to the way it was after ‘The Simpsons’ came out.”

23. “You see a lot of sketch variety shows where each segment is one joke that they repeat over and over and over again, and the sketches are always three or four minutes too long.”

24. “All motivation is defined by intention. If the intention is to , divide, or belittle, it’s wrong; if it’s an attempt to cope with or make sense of tragedy, it’s something different. If it’s commenting on society’s flaws, versus adding to society’s flaws, I think the audience can tell.”

25. “I have a karaoke punk band called ‘The Ungrateful Dead,’ but we don’t exist yet.”

26. “If there’s an intelligence behind the joke, it’s a good joke.”

27. “I want to be remembered for my poop jokes. Those are the most important kinds.”

28. “Is Dennis Rodman committing treason because of his close ties to the despotic of North Korea?”

29. “I feel the acting conservatory taught me how to be a working actor in the 1700s.”

30. “I can’t tell if the world is worse now or if we just have more cameras. There are cameras everywhere, so now the world knows how bad the world is.”

31. “Let’s hit the joke once and move on to the next joke, and just keep it where we have as many jokes per square inch as possible.”

32. “Do you think we’re going to hit a tipping point and the world’s going to end?”

33. “You can’t really feel the direct change from one president to another versus people closer to you in local elections.”

34. “Wonder Showzen was one of the first shows that realized each sketch, each segment is essentially one joke, and once you know what the joke is, it’s time to move on.”

35. “I just grew up with it. The first season came on when I was 5, 6 years old, and the show evolved as I was growing up and got funnier and funnier, by the time I was in 12th grade, they were at their funniest.”

36. “I never make the same mistake twice. I make it five or six times, just to be sure.”

37. “The darkest nights produce the brightest stars.”

38. “I think journaling is a key to success. You can set clear goals for yourself. You can start noticing repetitive behavior patterns and see the type of things that keep bothering you, and then you can have a bird’s eye view of it.”

39. “Half the shows on Comedy Central are just multicam blue sets, and they kind of look like game shows from the ’90s. It’s like, ‘Why do such a bland corporate aesthetic when the sky’s the limit with what you can do?’”

40. “You can’t make up for lost time. You can only do better in the future.”

41. “I care a lot; I’m very sensitive.”

42. “If the crowd is full of assholes, it’s no fun. If the crowd is cool, it’s great.”

43. “I’m Aries. I need everybody to like me.”

44. “You can make fun of your own a lot easier than someone else’s.”

45. “I’m insecure and I need the validation of strangers to feel whole. So, I need every single racist 12-year-old on the Internet to like me, or I don’t feel complete.”

46. “I meant to behave, but there were too many other options.”

47. “Don’t look back. You’re not going that way.”

48. “I think everyone is bi, right? There’s no such thing as sexual orientation, or race, or gender. Those are all obsolete man-made concepts.”

49. “I will smoke crack before I die. I want to see what all the hubbub is about.”

50. “I used to be a Geico Caveman for live events. I was a corporate mascot. It was the silliest job. It was actually awesome and fun, but it was retarded.”

51. “I’m a lurker and a creep. Women don’t like me because I sleep standing up, like a horse.”

52. “I grew up in Boca Raton, Florida, the worst place on earth.”

53. “A hole is a hole has always been my motto.”

54. “Dan Curry is the funniest guy in the world. I can sit in a room with him for hours, and he’s just cracking me up constantly. And Kitao is the next Terry Gilliam. A lot of comedy directors are just comedic writers, but they don’t have any sense of aesthetic or visual vocabulary.”

55. “Like I said, a sketch is one joke. They shouldn’t really be more than a minute, two minutes. There are some shows where the sketch goes on for five minutes. It’s like, I get it! I’m already bored. I did like the joke, but I don’t anymore because you went on too long.”

56. “The people that worked on ‘The Simpsons’ just had good taste. They knew how to execute absurd jokes.”

57. “Poop and then make it into wine!”

58. “I’m not trying to be just so punk rock until I die. Whatever is funny is good.”

59. “When you ask people who their favorite comedian is or favorite African-American comedian, people generally say Chris Rock, Dave Chappelle, Eddie Murphy, or Richard Pryor. Redd Foxx gets left out a lot.”

60. “First paying gig, I got 20 bucks. I played at some really weird venue. I don’t remember the venue. I just remember it was the last stop on the train. It was, like, the Far Rockaways Queens, and it was an audience of, like, three people.”

61. “We learned stuff like ‘to the back of the auditorium, to the back of the auditorium’ and the liquid ‘u’ ‘The payment is duuue on Tuuuesday.’”

62. “ABC is owned by Disney, so it’s a little more conservative than Adult Swim. Polar opposites.”

63. “The president is the country’s scapegoat more than the country’s leader; the president has as much power as we think the president has. Whoever has the most money is the puppet master.”

64. “I feel like we put all the weight on the president, rather than distributing the weight to all of the elected officials.”

65. “I think we give human beings too much credit. We’re primates, you know.”

66. “Hannibal Burress is my polar opposite in energy. I can be crazy, and he grounds the Eric Andre Show.”

67. “When I’m watching South Park, I don’t think it’s written by neo-Nazis. They know exactly what they’re doing.”

68. “Before the Simpsons, I was 4 years old, so I don’t know exactly what I was thinking before that.”

69. “I do think homophobia in the ’80s was more rampant and socially acceptable.”

70. “I loved ‘Space Ghost’ when I was in college.”

71. “Bill Cosby spoke out against ‘The Simpsons’ and there was this kind of evangelical, right-wing sect that was against ‘The Simpsons.’ Fox was a new network at the time, though, so they were going to take risks.”

72. “They are just like the Bible to me as far as what the high-water mark of comedy is.”

73. “I’ve always been obsessed with bad, awkward television and bad public access. Before YouTube, it was a treat coming across that stuff. When I moved to New York, I used to love watching public access late at night.”

74. “There are two sides to the coin. I think I’m much happier that won over John McCain or Mitt Romney, because I think Obama did something culturally for the country.”

75. “From ‘Chappelle’s Show’ to ‘Tosh.0,’ there’s so much race comedy. It’s overdone.”

76. “I’ve never seen ‘The Goonies.’ I’ve never seen ‘Indiana Jones.’ I watched ‘UHF’ over and over again when I was little, and that was it. I had no time for any other movies. I watched ‘Naked Gun,’ ‘UHF,’ and ‘Airplane!’ over and over.”

77. “I like Velvet Underground, but I was never really hardcore into them. I like them, and I like Nico, but I won’t front like I’m super knowledgeable. I just never got around to it.”


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here