2. “Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”

3. “Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.”

4. “A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”

5. “At one point, he decided enough was enough.”

6. “Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.”

7. “The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.”

8. “A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking.”

9. “When I first read the dictionary, I thought it was a long poem about everything.”

10. “If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”

11. “The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.”

12. “A conscience is what when all your other parts feel so good.”

13. “In school, they told me, ‘Practice makes perfect.’ And then they told me, ‘Nobody’s perfect,’ so then I stopped practicing.”

14. “If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere, is making a penny.”

15. “The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.”

16. “I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a bookmark and flew across the room.”

17. “Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.”

18. “I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.”

19. “Support bacteria, they’re the only culture some people have.”

20. “I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”

21. “If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?”

22. “A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.”

23. “I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”

24. “The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?’”

25. “I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.”

26. “I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.”

27. “If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?”

28. “For my birthday, I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.”

29. “They say you’re not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They’re right.”

30. “I had to stop driving my car for a while, the tires got dizzy.”

31. “There is a fine line between and just standing on the shore like an idiot.”

32. “If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”

33. “Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen.”

34. “Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.”

35. “, meet interesting people, kill them.”

36. “I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, ‘Have you got anything I’d like?’ Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, ‘Extra medium.’”

37. “Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.”

38. “I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.”

39. “What happens if you get scared half to death twice?”

40. “I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. said, ‘Steven, time to go to sleep.’ I said, ‘But I don’t know how.’ She said, ‘It’s really easy. Just go down to the end of tiredness and hang a left.’ So I went down to the end tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said ‘I thought I told you to go to sleep.’”

41. “I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.”

42. “I wish the first word I ever said was the word ‘quote,’ so right before I die I could say ‘unquote.’”

43. “Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.”

44. “You know how it is when you’re reading a book and falling asleep—you’re reading, and all of a sudden, you notice your eyes are closed? I’m like that all the time.”

45. “If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?”

46. “Why isn’t the word ‘phonetically’ spelled with an ‘f’?”

47. “Don’t you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.”

48. “How young can you die of old age?”

49. “Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don’t have film.”

50. “Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.”

51. “It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.”

52. “Light travels faster than sound. Isn’t that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?”

53. “The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word, and feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.”

54. “Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.”

55. “If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?”

56. “Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.”

57. “If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.”

58. “Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.”

59. “Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?”

60. “The judge asked, ‘What do you plead?’ I said, ‘Insanity, your honor. Who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?’”

61. “When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.”

62. “Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.”

63. “‘Did you sleep well?’ ‘No, I made a couple of mistakes.’”

64. “You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?”

65. “Change is inevitable, except for vending machines.”

66. “I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.”

67. “When I was a kid, we had a sandbox. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child, eventually.”

68. “If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?”

69. “I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.’”

70. “I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.”

71. “If warm air rises, heaven could be hotter than hell.”

72. “Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.”

73. “I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, ‘Got any shoes you’re not using?’”

74. “I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.”

75. “I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me, and I didn’t hear a thing.”

76. “Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?”

77. “Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don’t get it.”

78. “I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.”

79. “I went to a fancy french restaurant called ‘Deja Vu,’ the head waiter said, ‘Don’t I know you?’”

80. “Last week, the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang, ‘Happy Birthday.’”

81. “When an evil masochist dies, does he go to hell, or would heaven be a better punishment?”

82. “Half the people you know are below average.”

83. “I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’ so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.”

84. “I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.”

85. “Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.”

86. “I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don’t accidentally walk through into another dimension.”

87. “If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?”

88. “Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?”

89. “I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.”

90. “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

91. “What is the speed of dark?”

92. “Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while, I was a suspect.”

93. “Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I’d be the only one who knew. People come over and I’m gonna say, ‘Go ahead, touch it, it feels real.’”

94. “I named my dog ‘Stay,’ so I can say, ‘Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!’”

95. “Shin—a device for finding furniture in the dark.”

96. “A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, ‘Why were you going so fast?’ I said, ‘See this thing my foot is on? It’s called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it.’”

97. “A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, ‘Wish you were here.’”

98. “I spilled spot remover on my dog. He’s gone now.”

99. “I bought a house, on a one way dead end road. I don’t know how I got there.”

100. “I have an answering machine in my car. It says, ‘I’m home now, but leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.’”

101. “I planted some bird seed. A bird came up, now I don’t know what to feed it.”

102. “I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.”

103. “A metaphor is like a simile.”

104. “In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.”

105. “I saw a bank that said ‘24 Hour Banking’, but I don’t have that much time.”

106. “Whose cruel idea was it for the word ‘lips’ to have an ‘s’ in it?”

107. “I bought some instant water one time but I didn’t know what to add to it.”

108. “I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it’s going to be up all night.”

109. “I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, ‘If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?’”

110. “I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen it.”

111. “All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.”

112. “Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.”

113. “Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?”

114. “I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.”

115. “Borrow money from pessimists, they don’t expect it back.”

116. “What a nice night for an evening.”

117. “One time, a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, ‘Didn’t you see the stop sign?’ I said, ‘Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read.’”

118. “If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.”

119. “If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?”

120. “I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.”

121. “I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, ‘It’s free with purchase.’ I asked her if anyone bought anything today?”

122. “When I get really bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I’m leaving.”

123. “I’m a peripheral visionary. I can see into the future, but just way off to the side.”

124. “It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that, I’d never even thought about killing myself.”

125. “I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.”

126. “For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.”

127. “Today, I dialed the wrong number. The other person said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello, could I speak to Joey?’. They said, ‘Uh, I don’t think so, he’s only 2 months old.’ I said, ‘I’ll wait.’”

128. “On the other hand, you have different fingers.”

129. “I went to a general store. They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.”

130. “I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.”

131. “Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.”

132. “How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?”

133. “I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.”

134. “I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.”

135. “I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.”

136. “I wrote a song, but I can’t read music so I don’t know what it is. Every once in a while, I’ll be listening to the radio and I say, ‘I think I might have written that.’”

137. “If you were going to shoot a mine, would you use a silencer?”

138. “If you write the word ‘monkey’ a million times, do you start to think you’re Shakespeare?”

139. “If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.”

140. “In my house, on the ceilings, I have paintings of the rooms above, so I never have to go upstairs.”

141. “It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.”

142. “Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.”

143. “My socks DO match. They’re the same thickness.”

144. “My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.”

145. “One night, I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody’s satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV’s all over the world.”

146. “The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.”

147. “To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism, to steal from many is research.”

148. “When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.”

149. “When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.”

150. “Who is ‘General Failure’ and why is he reading my hard disk?”

151. “I have a new dog. It’s a paranoid retriever. He brings everything back because he’s not sure what I throw at him.”

152. “What’s another word for Thesaurus?”

153. “I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.”

154. “I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, ‘What for?’ I said, ‘I’m going to buy some sugar.’”

155. “Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn’t going to be on the road for an hour.”

156. “Why are there five syllables in the word ‘monosyllabic?’”

157. “Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?”

158. “I’m so tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity.”


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