1. “Why you going to the airport? Flying somewhere?” – Lloyd Christmas

2. “We got no food, we got no jobs, our pets’ heads are falling off!” – Lloyd Christmas

3. “According to the map, we’ve only gone 4 inches.” – Harry Dunne

4. “I’m going to hang by the bar. Put out the vibe.” – Lloyd Christmas

5. “Nice set of hooters you got there!” – Harry Dunne

6. “No way! We landed on the moon!” – Lloyd Christmas

7. “So you’re telling me there’s a chance!” – Lloyd Christmas

8. “I just figured she was a raging alcoholic.” – Lloyd Christmas

9. “Austria. Well then. G’day, mate! Let’s put another shrimp on the barbie!” – Lloyd Christmas

10. “I’ll bet you 20 bucks I can get you gambling before the end of the day.” – Lloyd Christmas

11. “That John Denver’s full of shit, man.” – Lloyd Christmas

12. “She gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or something. I don’t know, I wasn’t really paying attention.” – Harry Dunne

13. “You can’t triple stamp a double stamp!” – Harry Dunne

14. “Just when I think you couldn’t possibly be any dumber, you go and do something like this and totally redeem yourself.” – Harry Dunne

15. “I desperately want to make love to a schoolboy.” – Lloyd Christmas

Related:

16. “One time we mated a bulldog with a Shih-Tzu. We called it bullshit.” – Harry Dunne

17. “You sold my dead bird to a blind kid?” – Harry Dunne

18. “I expected the Rocky Mountains to be a little rockier than this.” – Harry Dunne

19. “I don’t get it, Lloyd. She told me 10 o’clock, sharp! Are you sure you went to the right bar?” – Harry Dunne

20. “You know what really chaps my ass though? I spent my life savings turning my van into a dog. The alarm alone cost me two hundred.” – Harry Dunne

21. “You just drove a sixth of the way in the wrong direction! We don’t have enough money to get to Aspen! We don’t have enough money to get home! We don’t have enough money to eat! We don’t have enough money to sleep!” – Harry Dunne

22. “You had an extra pair of gloves this entire time?!” – Harry Dunne

23. “Big Gulps, huh? Alright!” – Lloyd Christmas

24. “Thanks. Hey, I guess they’re right. Senior citizens, although slow and dangerous behind the wheel, can still serve a purpose. I’ll be right back. Don’t you go dying on me!” – Lloyd Christmas

25. “It’s okay, I’m a limo driver!” – Lloyd Christmas

26. “Yesterday was one of the greatest days of my life. Mary and I went skiing, we made a snowman, and she touched my leg.” – Harry Dunne

27. “That’s as good as money, sir. Those are I.O.U’s.” – Lloyd Christmas

28. “Did you pay the Gas-man?” – Lloyd Christmas

29. “Oh yeah. They always freak out when you leave the scene of an accident, you know?” – Lloyd Christmas

30. “Boy, this party really died.” – Lloyd Christmas

Related:

31. “Life is a fragile thing, Har. One minute you’re chewin’ on a burger, the next minute you’re dead meat.” – Lloyd Christmas

32. “Yeah! Unless you wanna work 40 hours a week.” – Lloyd Christmas

33. “You don’t kill people you don’t know. That’s a rule.” – Mike Starr

34. “Some people just aren’t cut out for life on the road.” – Lloyd Christmas

35. “You gotta take life by the balls! Chew it up and spit it out! Dance to the tune of a different drummer! Spread your wings and fly and run and jump! God, help me!” – Lloyd Christmas

36. “We are supposed to talk about all expenditures Lloyd! We are on a very tight budget.” – Harry Dunne

37. “Well, it’s not gonna do us any good sitting here whining about it. We’re in a hole. We’re just going to have to dig ourselves out.” – Lloyd Christmas

38. “Kick his ass, Sea Bass.” – Friend of Sea Bass

39. “Hey, you wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world? Eeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhh!” – Lloyd Christmas

40. “Yeah, I lost my job too.” – Harry Dunne

41. “Mock! Yeah!” – Lloyd Christmas and Harry Dunne

42. “What if he shot me in the face?” – Harry Dunne

43. “I hate when women do that. She wanted to see you again! And now no? Now, wait a minute! Wait! She must have meant 10 o’clock at night!” – Harry Dunne

44. “My friend Harry and I are saving up to open our own pet store.” – Lloyd Christmas

45. “Excuse me, Flo?” – Lloyd Christmas

46. “Yeah, well you aware it’s against the law to have an open alcohol container here in the state of Pennsylvania? Come on.” – State Trooper

47. “If I know her as well as I think I do, she’ll invite us right in for tea and strumpets!” – Lloyd Christmas

48. “Oh look, frost!” – Harry Dunne

49. “Man, you are one pathetic loser. No offense.” – Lloyd Christmas

50. “It’s a cardigan, but thanks for noticing.” – Harry Dunne

51. “Some place warm. A place where the beer flows like wine. Where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. I’m talkin’ bout a little place called, As-pen.” – Lloyd Christmas

52. “Kiss it! You kiss mine! Both cheeks, both lips! Right here! Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah!” – Harry Dunne

53. “Pull your vehicle to the side of the road! License and registration, please. You fellas were going a little fast back there, wouldn’t you say? You fellas been doing a bit of boozing, have ya? Suckin back on grandpa’s old cough medicine?” – State Trooper

54. “Would you like an atomic pepper, Mr. Mentalino?” – Harry Dunne

55. “That’s what we’re gonna call it. ‘I Got Worms!’ We’re gonna specialize in selling worm farms. You know, like ant farms.” – Lloyd Christmas

56. “I’d like to eat her liver with some fava beans and a nice bottle of Chianti.” – Lloyd Christmas

57. “The first time I set eyes on Mary Swanson, I just got that old fashioned romantic feeling where I’d do anything to bone her.” – Lloyd Christmas

58. “Man, I would have to be a real lowlife to go rooting around in someone else’s private property.” – Lloyd Christmas

59. “Hey, look, the Monkees. They were a huge influence on the Beatles.” – Lloyd Christmas