2. “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”

3. “Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”

4. “There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.”

5. “Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.”

6. “I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It’s so f*ck*n’ heroic.”

7. “Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”

8. “Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”

9. “Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

10. “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”

11. “May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.”

12. “Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”

13. “Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.”

14. “Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”

15. “Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever ’til the end of time! But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He’s all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can’t handle money!”

16. “Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”

17. “That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”

18. “When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front row seat.”

19. “Just ‘cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.”

20. “Electricity is really just organized lightning.”

21. “Everyone smiles in the same language.”

22. “Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.”

23. “If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”

24. “People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.”

25. “The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, you know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”

26. “Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.”

27. “Life is not measured by the breathes you take, but by the moments that take your breath away.”

28. “Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.”

29. “Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?”

30. “Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.”

31. “Tw*t is tw*t and that is that.”

32. “If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.”

33. “The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”

34. “I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.”

35. “Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”

36. “We think in language. The quality of our thoughts and ideas can only be as good as the quality of our language.”

37. “There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.”

38. “I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven’t tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work.”

39. “We have multiplied our possessions but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We’ve learned how to make a living but not a life. We’ve added years to life, not life to years.”

40. “If you can’t say something nice about a person, go ahead.”

41. “Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.”

42. “One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.”

43. “The planet is fine. The people are f*ck*d.”

44. “Meow” means “woof” in cat.”

45. “By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.”

46. “The caterpillar does all the work, but the gets all the publicity.”

47. “I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.”

48. “Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.”

49. “Men are from Earth; women are from Earth. Deal with it.”

50. “Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?”

51. “If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.”

51. “If honesty were suddenly introduced into American life, the whole system would collapse.”

52. “There’s a humorous side to every situation. The is to find it.”

53. “Religion is like a pair of shoes… Find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.”

54. “’I am’ is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that ‘I do’ is the longest sentence?”

55. “Always do whatever’s next.”

56. “I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”

57. “Religion is just mind control.”

58. “Atheism is a non-prophet organization.”

59. “The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.”

60. “Tell people there’s an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.”

61. “It’s never just a game when you’re winning.”

62. “Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.”

63. “He – and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever f*ck things up this badly.”

64. “Conservatives say if you don’t give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they’ve lost all incentive because we’ve given them too much money.”

65. “I’m not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose… it’ll be much harder to detect.”

66. “I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.”

67. “Careful, if you think too much, they’ll take you away.”

68. “If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that 1 enjoys it?”

69. “In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.”

70. “I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.”

71. “To me, authority is something that a freer spirit, a more independent mind, and a person who can handle the world, doesn’t need guidance from.”

72. “When worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I’m sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.”

73. “What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?”

74. “I don’t have pet peeves – I have major psychotic f*ck*ng hatreds.”

75. “You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.”

76. “In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.”

77. “Bipartisan usually means that a larger-than-usual is being carried out.”

78. “I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don’t have as many people who believe it.”

79. “One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.”

80. “Think off-center.”

81. “I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the sh*t out of Todd, Kyle and Tucker.”

82. “When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts.”

83. “People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can’t do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: ‘I’m such a klutz!’ But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver.”

84. “Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.”

85. “Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.”

86. “My would say, ‘Why are you always playing alone?’ And I would say, ‘I’m not playin’, Ma. I’m f*ck*n’ serious!”

87. “So, have a little fun. Soon enough you’ll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.”

88. “I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.”

89. “Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.”

90. “At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.”

91. “If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.”

92. “I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer’s disease where they slowly began to recover other people’s lost memories.”

93. “What if there were no hypothetical questions?”

94. “Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.”

95. “If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you’re gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders.”

96. “I do this real moron thing, and it’s called thinking. And apparently I’m not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.”

97. “I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.”

98. “I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is f*ck*d up.”

99. “Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.”

100. “How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a , it’s an omelette?”

101. “People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.”

102. “When someone is impatient and says, ‘I haven’t got all day,’ I always wonder, how can that be? How can you not have all day?”

103. “Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.”

104. “Unbelievably, a goldfish can kill a gorilla. However, it does require a substantial element of surprise.”

105. “Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child whose self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”

106. “One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.”

107. “Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

108. “I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend – I didn’t bother with him.”

109. “Would a fly without wings be called a walk?”

110. “I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.”

111. “If we could just find out who’s in charge, we could kill him.”

112. “When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot’s hands.”

113. “The status quo sucks.”

114. “I don’t have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it the better.”

115. “Pardon me I’ve got nothing to say.”

116. “A good motto to live by: ‘Always try not to get killed.”

117. “I am a personal optimist but a skeptic about all else. What may sound to some like anger is really nothing more than sympathetic contempt. I view my species with a combination of wonder and pity, and I root for its destruction. And please don’t confuse my point of view with cynicism; the real cynics are the ones who tell you everything’s gonna be all right.”

118. “When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to hear ’27 months.’ ‘He’s two’ will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place.”

119. “Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.”

120. “Griddle cakes, pancakes, hot cakes, flapjacks: why are there four names for grilled batter and only one word for love?”

121. “With the proper training, I could’ve been an evil genius.”

122. “I don’t like *ss kissers, flag wavers or team players. I like people who buck the system. Individualists. I often warn people: “Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, ‘There is no “I” in team.’ What you should tell them is, ‘Maybe not. But there is an “I” in independence, individuality and integrity.'” Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name. If they say, “We’re the So-and-Sos,” take a walk. And if, somehow, you must join, if it’s unavoidable, such as a union or a trade association, go ahead and join. But don’t participate; it will be your death. And if they tell you you’re not a team player, congratulate them on being observant.”

123. “I don’t have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.”

124. “They give you a coloring book and some crayons, and tell you, be creative… but don’t go outside the lines.”

125. “You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.”

126. “Don’t just teach your children to read. Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.”

127. “Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom”

128. “The future will soon be a thing of the past.”

129. “How is it possible to have a civil war?”

130. “TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out to be another day, but we can’t be sure. If it happens, I’ll be the first to say so. But you know what? By that time, it’ll be today again.”

131. “I don’t know how you feel, but I’m pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate.”

132. “I don’t want something that’s good for headaches. I want something that’s bad for headaches. And good for me.”

133. “Political correctness is America’s newest form of intolerance, and it is especially pernicious because it comes disguised as tolerance. It presents itself as fairness, yet attempts to restrict and control people’s language with strict codes and rigid rules. I’m not sure that’s the way to fight discrimination. I’m not sure silencing people or forcing them to alter their speech is the best method for solving problems that go much deeper than speech.”

134. “People say, ‘I’m going to sleep now,’ as if it were nothing. But it’s really a bizarre activity. ‘For the next several hours, while the sun is gone, I’m going to become unconscious, temporarily losing command over everything I know and understand. When the sun returns, I will resume my life.’
If you didn’t know what sleep was, and you had only seen it in a science fiction movie, you would think it was weird and tell all your friends about the movie you’d seen.
They had these people, you know? And they would walk around all day and be OK? And then, once a day, usually after dark, they would lie down on these special platforms and become unconscious. They would stop functioning almost completely, except deep in their minds they would have adventures and experiences that were completely impossible in real life. As they lay there, completely vulnerable to their enemies, their only movements were to occasionally shift from one position to another; or, if one of the ‘mind adventures’ got too real, they would sit up and scream and be glad they weren’t unconscious anymore. Then they would drink a lot of coffee.’
So, next time you see someone sleeping, make believe you’re in a science fiction movie. And whisper, “War will end when people stop showing up for it.”

135. “Life is a series of dogs.”

136. “I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that sh*t out by myself in the third grade.”

137. “Catholic, which I was until I reached the age of reason.”

138. “Life is tough, then you die.”

139. “The world is really a big straight line. Sometimes the world is actually a punchline. There are things that happen and you’ll say, ‘I can’t believe that. Can you believe that?’ And for that reason, you don’t have to tilt your head because the world at that time is coming at you at a forty-five-degree angle, so they’re out of wack. But most of the world appears to be straight and level, so you’ve got to tilt your head forty-five degrees and your vision becomes: how can I take that reality and just distort it enough to suit my purposes? To show them the craziness is there but it’s just well-disguised.”

140. “I don’t own any stocks or bonds. All my money is tied up in debt.”

141. “Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.”

142. “What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job!”

143. “Never let the brain idle. ‘An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.’ And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s.”

144. “Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it’s trying to save its body.”

145. “I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: “Alcohol will turn you into the same *ssh*l* your father was.””

146. “Life gets really simple once you cut out all the b*llsh*t they teach you in school.”

147. “Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?”

148. “It’s important in life if you don’t give a sh*t. It can help you a lot.”

149. “If your kid needs a role model and you ain’t it, you’re both f*ck*d.”

150. “I don’t believe there’s any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can’t completely ignore.”

151. “It’s all b*llsh*t, folks.”

152. “I’ve begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It’s there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, and a lovely day. There’s no mystery, no one asks for money, I don’t have to dress up, and there’s no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to ‘God’ are all answered at about the same 50% rate.”

153. “Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to f*ck.”

154. “The wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot. And although I never forgot it, I never quite memorized it either. So, what I’m left with is the memory of having learned something very wise that I can’t quite remember.”

155. “I love words. I thank you for hearing my words. I want to tell you something about words that I think is important. Words are my work, they’re my play. They’re my passion. Words are all we have really. We have thoughts, but thoughts are fluid. And, then we assign a word to a thought and we’re stuck with that word for that thought. So be careful with words. The same words that hurt can heal.”

156. “Every sixty seconds, thirty acres of rain forest are destroyed in order to raise beef for fast-food restaurants that sell it to people, giving them strokes and heart attacks, which raise medical costs and insurance rates, providing insurance companies with more money to invest in large corporations that branch out further into the Third World so they can destroy more rain forests.”

157. “Everyone appreciates your honesty, until you’re honest with them. Then you’re an *ssh*l*.”

158. “I’m a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond!”

159. “If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it.”

160. “People always tell me “Have a nice day.” Well what if I don’t want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?”

161. “If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?”

162. “Some people have no idea what they’re doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.”

163. “If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.”

164. “So, I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” And anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the m*th*rf*ck*r. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.”

165. “The worst thing about e-mail is that you can’t interrupt the other person. You have to read the whole thing and then e-mail them back, pointing out all and faulty assumptions. It’s frustrating and it’s time-consuming. God bless phone calls.”

166. “We’re all f*ck*d. It helps to remember this.”

167. “Oh, beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticide grain,
For strip-mined mountain’s majesty above the asphalt plain.
America, America, man sheds his waste on thee,
And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.”

168. “As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.”

169. “Do you know why hurricanes have names instead of numbers? To keep the killing personal. No one cares about a bunch of people killed by a number. ‘200 Dead as Number Three Slams Ashore’ is not nearly as interesting a headline as ‘Charlie kills 200.’ Death is much more satisfying and entertaining if you personalize it.
Me, I’m still waiting for Hurricane Ed. Old Ed wouldn’t hurt ya, would he? Sounds kinda friendly. ‘Hell no, we ain’t evacuating. Ed’s coming!”

170. “One time he was so hungover he had to consult a cottage cheese carton to determine the approximate date.”

171. “A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.”

172. “I didn’t wash today. I wasn’t dirty. If I’m not dirty, I don’t wash. Some weeks I don’t have to shower at all. I just groom my three basic areas: teeth, , and *ssh*l*. And to save time, I use the same brush.”

173. “But when you’re in front of an audience and you make them laugh at a new idea, you’re guiding the whole being for the moment. No one is ever more him/herself than when they really laugh. Their defenses are down. It’s very Zen-like, that moment. They are completely open, completely themselves when that message hits the brain and the laugh begins. That’s when new ideas can be implanted. If a new idea slips in at that moment, it has a chance to grow.”

174. “Let a smile be your umbrella, and you’ll end up with a face full of rain.”

175. “Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?”

176. “How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes…dies.”

177. “No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.”

178. “If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?”

179. “Whenever I hear about parents who have nine or ten children, the only thing I wonder is how they survive the birthday parties.”

180. “Politics is so corrupt even the dishonest people get f*ck*d.”

181. “There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. ‘Tom, I’d like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.’ These days, Trajedi.”

182. “People can’t seem to get it through their heads that there is never any healing or closure. Ever. There is only a short pause before the next “horrifying” event. People forget there is such a thing as memory, and that when a wound “heals” it leaves a permanent scar that never goes away, but merely fades a little. What really ought to be said after one of these so-called tragedies is, “Let the scarring begin.”

183. “Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.”

184. “You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he’s a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn’t f*ck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with.”

185. “My advice: just keep moving straight ahead. Every now and then you find yourself in a different place.”

186. “Is there another word for synonym?”

187. “If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?”

188. “We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.”

189. “You show me a lazy prick who’s lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I’ll show you a guy who’s not causing any trouble.”

190. “The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.”

191. “The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.”

192. “No art is possible without a dance with death.”

193. “I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same fifty percent rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don’t. Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe…same as the voodoo lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat’s testicles. It’s all the same…so just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish and enjoy yourself.”

194. “People are wonderful one at a time. Each one of them has an entire hologram of the universe somewhere within them.”

195. “When it comes to God’s existence, I’m not an atheist and I’m not agnostic. I’m an acrostic. The whole thing puzzles me.”

196. “I’ll tell you a little secret about the Blues: it’s not enough to know which notes to play, you have to know why they need to be played.”

197. “When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?”

198. “The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.”

199. “I’m not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.”

200. “Professional soldiers are people who die for a living.”

201. “I love it in a movie when they throw a guy off a cliff. I love it even when it’s not a movie. No, especially when it’s not a movie.”

202. “Forget the politicians. The politicians are put there to give you the idea you have freedom of choice. You don’t. You have no choice. You have owners. They own you. They own everything. They own all the important land, they own and control the corporations that’ve long since bought and paid for, the senate, the congress, the state houses, the city halls, they got the judges in their back pocket, and they own all the big media companies so they control just about all of the news and the information you get to hear. They got you by the balls. They spend billions of dollars every year lobbying to get what they want. Well, we know what they want. They want more for themselves and less for everybody else. But I’ll tell you what they don’t want. They don’t want a population of citizens capable of critical thinking. They don’t want well informed, well educated people capable of critical thinking. They’re not interested in that. That doesn’t help them.”

203. “If I had been in charge of reorganizing the government’s security agencies into a homeland defense organization, I would have divided the responsibilities into two agencies: The Bureau of What the F*ck Was That? and The Department of What the F*ck Are We Gonna Do Now?”

204. “California is a small woman saying, ‘F*ck me.’ New York is a large man saying, ‘F*ck you!”

205. “I’m happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.”

206. “I figured out years ago that the human species is totally f*ck*d and has been for a long time. I also know that the sick, media-consumer culture in America continues to make this so-called problem worse. But the trick, folks, is not to give a f*ck. Like me. I really don’t care. I stopped worrying about all this temporal b*llsh*t a long time ago. It’s meaningless.”

207. “I simply go about my passage swiftly and silently, with a certain deliberate, dark efficiency.”

208. “Most people have very little control over what sort of day they’re going to have. For instance, when one person says, “Have a nice day,” the other may well be thinking, “I’ve just been diagnosed with hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, and I’m also coughing up thick black stuff.” In this case the well-wisher’s words will fall on deaf ears.”

209. “It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class we couldn’t afford to do experiments in order to prove theories. We just believed everything. Actually, I think that class was called Religion. Religion class was always an easy class. All you had to do was suspend the logic and reasoning you were being taught in all the other classes.”

210. “B*llsh*t is the glue that binds us as a nation.”

211. “Abraham Maslow said that the fully realized person transcends his local group and identifies with the species. But the election of might’ve been the beginning of my giving up on my species. Because it was absurd. To this day it remains absurd. More than absurd, it was frightening: it represented the rise to supremacy of darkness, the ascendancy of ignorance.”

212. “Don’t give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.”

213. “B*llsh*t is truly the American soundtrack.”

214. “It was my uncle who taught me about the birds and the . He sat me down one day and said, ‘Remember this, George, the birds f*ck the bees.’”

215. “Although the photographer and the art thief were close friends, neither had ever taken the other’s picture.”

216. “If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?”

217. “The older you get, the better you realize you were.”

218. “Don’t confuse me with those who cling to hope. I enjoy describing how things are, I have no interest in how they ‘ought to be.’ And I certainly have no interest in fixing them. I sincerely believe that if you think there’s a solution, you’re a part of the problem. My motto: F*ck Hope!”

219. “Females create life, males end it. War, crime, violence, are primarily male franchises. Man sh*t. It’s nature’s supreme joke. Deep in the womb, men start out as the good thing, and wind up as the crappy thing. Not all men. Just enough. Just enough to f*ck things up.”

220. “I hope we’re not just human garbage drifting toward a big sewer. But I think so.”

221. “As far as I’m concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that’s worth believing.”

222. “This is dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight’s last gleaming. Amen and Awomen.”

223. “F*ck rational thought.”

224. “The Human Species could have been great but instead we became satisfied with lights on our tennis shoes.”

225. “If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?”

226. “If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.”

227. “You ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it’s because all the coats are on the bed.”

228. “And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me.”

229. “They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles.”

230. “If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?”

231. “The larger the group, the more toxic, the more of your beauty as an individual you have to surrender for the sake of group thought. And when you suspend your individual beauty you also give up a lot of your humanity. You will do things in the name of a group that you would never do on your own. Injuring, , killing, drinking are all part of it, because you’ve lost your identity, because you now owe your allegiance to this thing that’s bigger than you are and that controls you.”

232. “They’re not pro-life. You know what they are? They’re anti-women. Simple as it gets, anti-women. They don’t like them. They don’t like women. They believe a woman’s primary role is to function as a brood mare for the state.”

233. “California: bordering always on the Pacific and sometimes on the ridiculous. So, why do I live here? Because the sun goes down a block from my house.”

234. “Why do so many people need help?! Life is not that complicated. You get up, you go to work, eat three meals, you take one good sh*t and you go back to bed. What’s the f*cking mystery?!”

235. “This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free.”

236. “Everyone should try to scratch their name on the bomb of life.”

237. “I’ve never owned a telescope, but it’s something I’m thinking of looking into.”

238. “A will blink when struck with a hammer.”

239. “A person of good intelligence and sensitivity cannot exist in this society very long without having some anger about the inequality – and it’s not just a bleeding-heart, knee-jerk, liberal kind of a thing – it is just a normal human reaction to a nonsensical set of values where we have cinnamon flavored dental floss and there are people sleeping in the street.”

240. “Reminds me of something my would say. He’d say, “I’m going upstairs to f*ck your grandmother.” He was an honest man, and he wasn’t going to b*llsh*t a four-year-old.”

241. “The mai tai got its name when two Polynesian alcoholics got in a fight over some neckwear.”

242. “I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it’s just a small step to full-blown sociopath.”

243. “What wine goes with Captain Crunch?”

244. “Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.”

245. “All music is the blues. All of it.”

246. “Sometimes a little brain damage can help.”

247. “I hate Dr Phil. Dr Phil told me to express my feelings, so I’m expressing them.”

248. “I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.”

249. “They don’t want an educated populace capable of critical thought, sitting around the table realizing how badly they’re getting f*ck*d!”

250. “And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Institute of Pancakes: It reads, and I quote, “F*ck waffles.”

251. “Whenever you hear the phrase zero tolerance, remember, someone is b*llsh*tt*ng you.”

252. “You can prick your finger … Just don’t finger your prick.”

253. “No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, you’re screwed because it’s all fixed and rigged. There is a club and you ain’t in it.”

254. “There’s also way too much religion in the South to with good mental health. Still, I love traveling down there, especially when I’m in the mood for a quick trip to the thirteenth century. I’m not someone who buys into all that ‘New South’ sh*t you hear; I judge a place by the number of lynchings they’ve had, overall.”

255. “Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? Just to be silly!”

256. “The God excuse, the last refuge of a man with no answers and no argument.”

257. “The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.”

258. “George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.”

259. “A flag is supposed to represent everything that a country does. It doesn’t only represent the good things. If you burn the flag, you’re burning the flag for what you perceive to be the bad things the country has done. it’s only a symbol. It’s only a piece of cloth.”

260. “I’ll bet there aren’t too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.”

261. “I think these pipe-smokers ought to just move to the next level and go ahead and suck a dick. There’s nothing wrong with sucking dicks. Men do it, women do it; can’t be all bad if everybody’s doing it. I say, Drop the pipe, and go to the dick! That’s my advice. I’m here to help.”

262. “I finally figured out what e-mail is for. It’s for communicating with people you’d rather not talk to.”

263. “Government want to tell you things you can’t say because they’re against the law, or you can’t say this because it’s against a regulation, or here’s something you can’t say because it’s a…secret; “You can’t tell him that because he’s not cleared to know that.” Government wants to control information and control language because that’s the way you control thought, and basically that’s the game they’re in.”

264. “As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.”

265. “I think we’re part of a greater wisdom that we will ever understand; a higher order, call it what you want. Know what I call it? The Big Electron. It doesn’t punish, it doesn’t reward, it doesn’t judge at all. It just is.”

266. “If you had yourself cloned, who exactly, would be your parents? Can you raise yourself? I guess so. And it might be fun. Just think, by the age of six you’d be driving yourself to school.”

267. “I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.”

268. “The best thing about living is that you only have *ssh*l*s on three sides of you.”

269. “I get tired of people talking about ”bad words” and ”bad language”. B*llsh*t! It’s the context that makes them good or bad.”

270. “I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi, it was the midnight show.”

271. “If you guys want to get a MOM tattoo and save a little money, just get two letters done. Get about a one-inch capital M tattooed on each cheek of your *ss in and brown ink. Then when you bend over, it says “Mom.” Also, later on if you’re having sex with your girlfriend, and her parents are in the next room, when you finish up you can just lie on your back, draw your legs up to your chest and silently say, ‘Wow!”

272. “There’s this man who lives in the , and he has ten things he doesn’t want you to do, and you’ll burn for a long time if you do them. But he loves you.”

273. “You’re really spread out now, you’ve got stuff all over the WORLD! You’ve got stuff at home, stuff in storage, stuff in Honolulu, stuff in Maui, stuff in your pockets…supply lines are getting longer and harder to maintain.”

274. “Because we were a poor area, the school had a small budget and was unable to teach the second half of the alphabet.”

275. “Here’s an interesting form of murder we came up with: assassination. You know what’s interesting about assassination? Well, not only does it change those popularity polls in a big f*ck*ng hurry, but it’s also interesting to notice who it is we assassinate. Did you ever notice who it is? Stop to think who it is we kill? It’s always people who’ve told us to live together in harmony and try to love one another. Jesus, Gandhi, Lincoln, John Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy, , Medgar Evers, Malcolm X, John Lennon, they all said, “Try to live together peacefully.” BAM! Right in the f*ck*ng head. Apparently, we’re not ready for that.”

276. “Sports fans eat sh*t.”

277. “Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.”

278. “So, I want to thank the Pentagon, the Soviet Union and the military-industrial complex from the bottom of my heart. Without them, I could never have become the man I am today.”

279. “Boy, these conservatives are really something, aren’t they? They’re all in favor of the unborn. They will do anything for the unborn. But once you’re born, you’re on your own. Pro-life conservatives are obsessed with the fetus from conception to nine months. After that, they don’t want to know about you. They don’t want to hear from you. No nothing. No neonatal care, no day care, no head start, no school lunch, no food stamps, no welfare, no nothing. If you’re preborn, you’re fine; if you’re preschool, you’re f*ck*d.”

280. “And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope.”

281. “Never approach a crying woman entering a bar carrying a harpoon gun.”

282. “In most polls there are always about 5 percent of the people who ‘don’t know.’ What isn’t generally understood is that it’s the same people in every poll.”

283. “Catholics are against abortions. Catholics are against homosexuals. But I can’t think of anyone who has less abortions than homosexuals!”

284. “There are ten thousand people in the United States in a persistent vegetative state. Just enough to start a small town. Think of them as veggie-burghers.”

285. “So, I do have this ambivalence. Obviously, I’m against militaries, because of what militaries do. In many ways though, the air force was unmilitary-like. They dropped bombs on people, but…they had a golf course.”

286. “The habits of liberals, their automatic language, their knee-jerk responses to certain issues, deserved the epithets the right wing stuck them with. I’d see how true they often were. Here they were, banding together in packs, so I could predict what they were going to say about some event or conflict and it wasn’t even out of their mouths yet. I was very uncomfortable with that. Liberal orthodoxy was as repugnant to me as conservative orthodoxy.”

287. “You know what these “God Bless America” people oughta do? They oughta check with that Jesus fellow they’re so crazy about. They’re always talking about “What would Jesus do?” They don’t wanna know so they can do it – they just wanna know so they can tell other people to do it!”

288. “Homemade is a myth. You want to know some things that are homemade? Crystal meth. Crack cocaine. A pipe bomb full of nails. Now we’re talking homemade.”

289. “I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.”

290. “You know what I do? I steal things. F*ck ’em! I grab a handful of candy bars and six magazines and head for the gate.”

291. “I don’t understand this notion of ethnic pride. “Proud to be Irish,” “Puerto Rican pride,” “Black pride.” It seems to me that pride should be reserved for accomplishments; things you attain or achieve, not things that happen to you by chance. Being Irish isn’t a skill; it’s genetic. You wouldn’t say, “I’m proud to have brown hair,” or “I’m proud to be short and stocky.” So why the f*ck should you say you’re proud to be Irish? I’m Irish, but I’m not particularly proud of it. Just glad! G*dd*mn glad to be Irish!”

292. “Life is sacred”? Who said so? God? Hey, if you read history, you realize that God is one of the leading causes of death! Has been for thousands of years! Hindus, Muslims, Jews, Christians; all taking turns killing each other because God told ’em it was a good idea.”

293. “I recently heard the following sentence on CNN: ‘Because of high winds, about two hundred and fifty thousand people in New England are without power.’ And I thought ‘gee, when you think about it, about two hundred and seventy-five million people in the United States are without power. They just aren’t aware of it.”

294. “Gotta have my make-up, in case I run into Joey and he wants to beat the sh*t out of me. Gotta look my best! Maybe he’ll punch me repeatedly in the kidneys and the stomach so it doesn’t mark up my face. He’s so thoughtful!”

295. “You can take and nail two sticks together like they’ve never been nailed together before and some fool will buy it.”

296. “Suppose that you didn’t make your Easter duty and it’s Pentecost Sunday, the last day, and you’re on a ship at sea. And the chaplain goes into a coma! But you wanted to receive. And then it’s Monday, too late… But then you cross the International Date Line! Would that then be a sin then, Father?”

297. “I think the human race has squandered its gift, and I think this country has squandered its promise. I think people in America sold out very cheaply, for sneakers and cheeseburgers. And I don’t think it’s fixable.”

298. “The symphony orchestra had played poorly, so the conductor was in a bad mood. That night he beat his wife – because the music hadn’t been beautiful enough.”

299. “Political correctness is fascism pretending to be manners.”

300. “The term faith-based is nothing more than an attempt to slip religion past you when you’re not thinking; which is the way religion is always slipped past you. It deprives you of choice; choice being another word the political-speech manipulators find extremely useful.”

301. “And finally, I’ve always drawn a great deal of moral comfort from Humpty Dumpty. The part I like the best? ‘All the king’s horses and all the king’s men couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again.’ That’s because there is no Humpty Dumpty, and there is no God. None, not one, no God, never was.”

302. “Cigarette companies market heavily to young people. They need young customers because their product kills the older ones. It is the only product that, if used as intended, kills the consumer.”

303. “Personally, I would never want to be a member of any group where you either have to wear a hat, or you can’t wear a hat.”

304. “There’s a nice campaign slogan for somebody: ‘The Public Sucks. F*ck Hope.”

305. “The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first; get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating …and you finish off as an orgasm.”


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