1. “Well, nobody ever believes me when I’m telling the truth. I guess it’s the curse of every devastatingly beautiful woman.” – Blanche Devereaux

2. “Have I given you any indication that I care?” – Sophia Petrillo

3. “Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping.” – Blanche Devereaux

4. “Go to sleep, sweetheart. Pray for brains.” – Dorothy Zbornak

5. “Isn’t it amazing how I can feel so bad, and still look so good?” – Blanche Devereaux

6. “People waste their time pondering whether a glass is half empty or half full. Me, I just drink whatever’s in the glass.” – Sophia Petrillo

7. “I’ve been having a good time, and there wasn’t even a man in the room.” – Blanche Devereaux

8. “It’s like we say in St. Olaf—Christmas without fruitcake is like St. Sigmund’s Day without the headless boy.” – Rose Nylund

9. “No! No, I will not have a nice day!” – Dorothy Zbornak

10. “No matter how bad things get, remember these sage words—you’re old, you sag, get over it.” – Sophia Petrillo

11. “Flirting is part of my heritage.” – Blanche Devereaux

12. “After 80, every year without a headstone is a milestone.” – Sophia Petrillo

13. “It’s like life is a giant weenie roast, and I’m the biggest weenie.” – Rose Nylund

14. “I think there’s a connection between your brain and wallpaper paste.” – Sophia Petrillo

15. “She’s really a very sweet woman. She just doesn’t like to show it.” – Dorothy Zbornak

16. “Dorothy, was Sophia naked just now or does her dress really need ironing?” – Rose Nylund

17. “Tell me the truth—do these glasses make me look stupid?” – Rose Nylund

18. “Want a glass of water to wash down your foot?” – Sophia Petrillo

19. “My mother used to say—the older you get, the better you get. Unless you’re a banana.” – Rose Nylund

20. “I feel like crawling under the covers and eating a box of Velveeta.” – Rose Nylund

21. “I hate to admit it, but he melts my Häagen-Dazs.” – Rose Nylund

22. “I know I look square, but I’m like my father’s tractor. I take a while to warm up, but once I get going, I can turn your topsoil till the – Rose Nylund

23. “Jealousy is an ugly thing, Dorothy. And so are you, in anything backless.” – Sophia Petrillo

24. “Eat dirt and die, trash.” – Blanche Devereaux

25. “You know what they say—you can lead a herring to , but you have to walk really fast or he’ll die.” – Rose Nylund

26. “You’re a furry little gnome and we feed you too much.” – Dorothy Zbornak

27. “I feel that you have backed me into a corner, and when I am backed into a corner, I come out fighting like a wildcat. Unless I’ve had too much to drink, in which case I slide down the wall and make mad passionate love on the carpet.” – Blanche Devereaux

28. “If this sauce was a person, I’d get naked and make love to it.” – Sophia Petrillo

29. “When I say jump, you say, ‘on who?’” – Blanche Devereaux

30. “You look like a prostitute.” – Sophia Petrillo

31. “I take very good care of myself. I treat my body like a temple.” – Blanche Devereaux

32. “Excuse me, Rose, have I given any indication at all that I care?” – Sophia

33. “Everything I have, you try to steal. May the bags under your eyes grow so large your head falls in ’em!” – Barry Fanaro and Mort Nathan

34. “Rose, he left me 38 years later for a stewardess that he met on a business trip to Hawaii. It was her first flight. They said, ‘On arrival, give the passengers a lei.’ She got confused, he got lucky, and they now live on Maui.” – Dorothy Zbornak

35. “You don’t understand. Everyone likes me—I’m the nice one! Dorothy is the smart one, Blanche is the sexy one, Sophia is the old one, and I’m the nice one! Everybody likes me!” – Rose Nylund

36. “Take a lesson, Rose. That’s how you tell a story.” – Dorothy Zbornak

37. “The laws in St. Olaf are very stringent. Their motto is, ‘Use a gun, go apologize.’” – Rose Nylund

38. “Honey, I know I told you where babies come from, but did I ever mention where they come out?” – Blanche Devereaux

39. “When your crazy , Nunzio, started living with his pet goat, did the family turn their back on him? No. And after a couple of nights neither did the goat.” – Sophia Petrillo

40. “Blanche, have you heard of the latest campaigns? ‘Join the navy, see the world. Sleep with Blanche Devereaux?’ ‘Join the army, be all you can be. Sleep with Blanche Devereaux?’ ‘The marines are looking for a few good men who have not slept with Blanche Devereaux!’” – Dorothy Zbornak

41. “Blanche, you’re a sl*t.” – Sophia Petrillo

42. “I need the money for my old age.” – Sophia Petrillo

43. “I was once arrested for that in Chattanooga.” – Blanche Devereaux

44. “Men are scum.” – Dorothy Zbornak

45. “I am single, I’m free on Saturday night, and I can arch my back until my head touches my heels.” – Blanche Devereaux


46. “Tell me, is it possible to love two men at the same time?” – Rose Nylund

47. “At my age, how much can I sin? What, I had an impure thought? I’d kill to have an impure thought.” – Terry Grossman

48. “I have a date.” – Dorothy Zbornak

49. “I was once told I bore a striking resemblance to Cheryl Ladd, but my bosoms are perkier.” – Blanche Devereaux

50. “My first was Billy. Oh, I’ll never forget it! That night under the dogwood tree, the air thick with perfume, and me with Billy. Or Bobby? Yes, that’s right, Bobby! Or was it Ben? Oh who knows, anyway, it started with a B.” – Blanche Devereaux

51. “Hello Sophia, you’re looking younger every day.” – Stan

52. “All you ever do is talk about your sexual problems! Well, what about my sexual problem?” – Sophia Petrillo

53. “I feel like I did when I was a virgin!” – Blanche Devereaux

54. “I’ll give you anything. I’ll give you one of my sons. I’ve given this a lot of thought. I’ve had 4 kids, I’ve never had a Mercedes.” – Blanche Devereaux

55. “Oh, I did it on a dare. You know, back where I come from, everybody thought that once you started shaving your legs, why, you’d become loose. So, I shaved ’em!” – Blanche Devereaux

56. “Girls, have you ever heard of something called dirty dancing?” – Blanche Devereaux

57. “Sophia, by placing this pearl necklace between my bosoms, does it make me look like I’m a sex-starved sl*t who is in need of a man to bed?” – Blanche Devereaux

58. “I swear with as my witness, I will never pick up another man!” – Blanche Devereaux

59. “We weren’t allowed to wear berets at my school—it was against the St. Olaf dress code. They did let me wear a paper cap, though. It was long and pointy.” – Rose Nylund

60. “Well, there must be homosexuals who date women.” – Blanche Devereaux

61. “I’m an old, white woman. I’m not supposed to have color. You want color? Talk to Lena Horne.” – Sophia Petrillo

62. “They were all buying T-shirts. You know, the ones that say, ‘Today is the first day of the end of your life.’” – Dorothy Zbornak

63. “Oh, sometimes I wish she was my mother, so I could be the one to put her in Shady Pines.” – Blanche Devereaux

64. “You know, in the right hands and the right bag, this chipped beef is not half bad.” – Sophia

65. “Silly Rabbi, tricks are for kids.” – Sophia Petrillo

66. “I’m not one to blow my own vertubenflugen.” – Rose Nylund

67. “When I was growing up in Minnesota, the doctor made house calls all the time—for us and the livestock. Worked out fine, until the doctor started drinking hog liniment and tried to neuter the Swenson brothers.” – Rose Nylund

68. “Yes, I have heard the expression ‘you get what you pay for.’ I’ve also heard the expression ‘there’s a sucker born every minute.’ Yes, I have heard that expression too.” – Dorothy Zbornak

69. “I always take a deep breath before I greet a man. It thrusts my breasts forward.” – Blanche Devereaux

70. “Look, you didn’t ask me for my opinion, but I’m old, so I’m giving it anyway.” – Sophia Petrillo

71. “Let me tell you a story. Picture it, Sicily.” – Sophia Petrillo

72. “I don’t look right in American clothes. I have more of a European body.” – Blanche Devereaux

73. “Why don’t I just wear a sign, ‘too ugly to live?’” – Dorothy Zbornak

74. “That child over there is trying to steal my daddy away. She ain’t better but a tick on a slow-moving hound dog.” – Blanche Devereaux

75. “Of course you hate communism, Ma. It’s because you were raised a fascist.” – Dorothy Zbornak

76. “My great-granddaddy always said that there are two things you never sell to a friend—a car and a slave—because if either one of them quits working, you’ll never hear the end of it. Of course, they hanged my great-granddaddy. He said a lot of things he shouldn’t have.” – Blanche Devereaux

77. “I can’t believe is out riding around on a smelly old bus. Being pushed around, harassed, possibly even mugged by hostile teenagers with bad haircuts!” – Rose Nylund

78. “When a 22-year-old girl marries a man who’s 80, chances are, she is not after his body.” – Dorothy Zbornak

79. “If I had that money, I could have moved into a swinging condo instead of living with—I better not say anything until I’ve had my coffee (sips coffee)—a sl*t and a moron!” – Dorothy Zbornak

80. “Rose, just remember, you’re smarter than people say you are. You’ve got good sense, and you know what you’re doing.” – Sophia Petrillo

81. “Of course you will, honey. That phony hair color won’t wash out just because you got caught in the rain!” – Blanche Devereaux

82. “Put your bed in the Smithsonian, Blanche. It’s got more miles on it than the spirit of St. Louis.” – Dorothy Zbornak

83. “Rose, why is it that every time one of us makes an observation, the first thing we hear from you is, ‘Back in St. Olaf?’ I mean, did it ever occur to you that maybe we’re tired of hearing ‘Back in St. Olaf,’ ‘Back in St. Olaf,’ ‘Back in St. Olaf!’” – Dorothy Zbornak

84. “That’s a beautiful toupee you’re wearing. Great, now we’re both liars.” – Sophia Petrillo

85. “Oh, do you know how many great, late night talks we’ve had at this table over cheesecake?” – Dorothy Zbornak

86. “Boy, I remember when I was a little girl, when we’d get depressed. could always cheer us up. She’d take out her dentures and she’d take a healthy swig from the aquarium, and then she’d put a flashlight under her chin, and we could watch the goldfish swim from cheek to cheek. We could have watched it all day, but visiting hours were only from ten to four.” – Rose Nylund

87. “You come to me if you have problems with a man. You go to Dorothy if there’s some grammar you need help with.” – Blanche Devereaux

88. “Remind me when I feel better to kick the crap out of her.” – Dorothy Zbornak

89. “Age is just a state of mind.” – Dorothy Zbornak

90. “In this day and age, it might be a good idea to take along some protection.” – Blanche Devereaux

91. “It sure would be nice to have some investments to fall back on, though. I just never had a mind for that.” – Blanche Devereaux

92. “I don’t know where you doctors lose your humanity, but you lose it. You know, if all of you at the beginning of your careers could get very sick and scared for a while, you’d probably learn more from that than anything else. You’d better start listening to your patients. They need to be heard. They need caring, they need compassion. They need attending to.” – Dorothy Zbornak

93. “Well, I just hate myself for feeling this way, but I don’t want to be a mother again. I mean, it was a wonderful experience at the time, but I always thought this part of my life was supposed to be for me.” – Blanche Devereaux

94. “You know, until I met you, Rose, I didn’t know that people actually talk back to their Rice Krispies.” – Dorothy Zbornak

95. “What’s a lanai?” – Sophia Petrillo

96. “Set the scene, have we been drinking?” – Blanche Devereaux

97. “I wonder if jewelry comes from Jewish people? In Little Falls, the jeweler was Jewish. Jeweler, Jewish—I wonder if there’s a connection.” – Rose Nylund

98. “No, Blanche. With a Venus Fly Trap.” – Dorothy Zbornak

99. “That’s the louse!” – Rose Nylund

100. “I paid with nature‘s credit card.” – Blanche Devereaux

101. “I can’t believe you said that! Oh if I weren’t a lady I’d deck you.” – Blanche Devereaux

102. “Rose, back where you come from, people live in windmills and make love to polka music.” – Rose Nylund

103. “You’ve lived here for two months; there’s nothing interesting about you.” – Sophia Petrillo

104. “By the time you were sixteen, I could grate cheese on your knees!” – Sophia Petrillo

105. “Belief can be powerful. I had a sty once, and every night I would close my eyes and think about it getting smaller and smaller until it went away!” – Rose Nylund

106. “Or, we could use the Sicilian method—we burn down the house, collect the fire insurance money, and move to a beautiful beachside house in California. Personally, I vote for choice three.” – Sophia Petrillo

107. “Look, fluffhead. Why should I deny being in denial? I never said I was in denial. You are the one who said I was in denial, and don’t you deny it.” – Dorothy Zbornak

108. “I have writer’s block. It’s the worst feeling in the world.” – Blanche Devereaux

109. “Try ten days without a bowel movement sometime.” – Sophia Petrillo

110. “Sometimes, I just love to hug my mommy.” – Dorothy Zbornak

111. “He looks pretty dead to me.” – Sophia Petrillo

112. “You know, when you’re 20, no matter what you do, everything stays where it’s supposed to. Now, when you lean over, it looks like somebody’s let the air out of your face.” – Dorothy Zbornak

113. “I got it, nobody told me. I didn’t get it, nobody told me. I figured, ‘This is life,’ and ate my meatballs.” – Sophia Petrillo

114. “You are undoubtedly the meanest, sickest person I’ve ever met! Not to mention the most unattractive.” – Blanche Devereaux

115. “Blanche, have you ever met a man you didn’t think was giving you the eye?” – Dorothy Zbornak

116. “What are you asking her for? She never said no in her life!” – Sophia Petrillo

117. “We not only took care of our old people, we revered them, honored them, and put them on a pedestal. ‘Course, that’s how we got to be the broken hip capital of the Midwest.” – Rose Nylund

118. “Trying to find your underwear in the big pile?” – Rose Nylund

119. “I’ll make it up to you, Dorothy, I promise. Listen, if there’s ever a night where you can’t sleep, I’ll come to your room and sing ‘Kumbaya.’” – Rose Nylund

120. “Rose, I don’t know what to say. Yes, I do. Don’t ever do that.” – Dorothy Zbornak

121. “Honey, lean over a mirror some time and take a look at yourself.” – Dorothy Zbornak

122. “I think you’d better take a sedative before you look.” – Dorothy Zbornak

123. “Blanche, we don’t have to worry about what the world thinks about our relationship. It just doesn’t matter, because we’re there for each other. I’d do anything for Doug, and he’d bend over backwards for me.” – Clayton

124. “Rose… Get professional help.” – Dorothy Zbornak

125. “No one in my family has ever seen a psychiatrist—except of course, when they were institutionalized!” – Blanche Devereaux

126. “Oh, I remember when Stanley told me he was having an affair. It was at least 24 hours before I cut the crotches out of all his slacks.” – Dorothy Zbornak

127. “Condoms, Rose! Condoms, condoms, condoms!” – Dorothy Zbornak

128. “Grandma Hollingsworth always said I was a little flighty—or was it a little floozy?” – Blanche Devereaux

129. “I eat raw cookie dough. And occasionally, I run through the sprinklers and don’t wear a bathing cap. And at Christmas, I’ve been known to put away more than one eggnog.” – Rose Nylund

130. “I could get herpes listening to this story!” – Dorothy Zbornak

131. “My son married a welder. Too bad she didn’t weld his zipper shut. They got ten kids they can’t afford.” – Sophia Petrillo

132. “As they say in St. Olaf—hergenbargenflergenflurfennerfen.” – Rose Nylund

133. “Forgive me, Rose, but I haven’t had sex in 15 years and it’s starting to get on my nerves.” – Sophia Petrillo

134. “Stanley, you’re one chromosome away from being a potato.” – Dorothy Zbornak

135. “Jean is a nice person. She happens to like girls instead of guys. Some people like cats instead of dogs. Frankly, I’d rather live with a lesbian than a cat. Unless a lesbian sheds; that I don’t like.” – Sophia Petrillo

136. “Rose, I know this is a long shot, but did you take much acid during the sixties?” – Dorothy Zbornak

137. “I thought I was gonna die. I swear I have never felt such agony. I saw my entire life flash before my eyes and I thought, ‘What a shame if I die now, I’m too young…and I’m wearing the wrong underwear.’” – Blanche Devereaux

138. “You’ll have to excuse my mother. She suffered a slight stroke a few years ago, which rendered her totally annoying.” – Dorothy Zbornak

139. “When I was a child, I used to get over excited and pet the cat too much.” – Rose Nylund

140. “He is so sophisticated, and charming, and rich, and handsome. He fairly screams Blanche. At least, he will when I’m through with him.” – Blanche Devereaux

141. “How come whenever my ship comes in it’s leaking?” – Dorothy Zbornak

142. “Please. Pay no attention to him. The man spent 90 days on the high seas drinking grain alcohol from a goat bladder.” – Sophia Petrillo

143. “God, I wish I was dead.” – Blanche Devereaux

144. “It was at that moment I realized my bosoms had the power to make music.” – Blanche Devereaux

145. “I slept with my two brothers until I was seventeen. I was engaged to one for a very short period of time, but that’s a separate story.” – Blanche Devereaux

146. “You know what’s young to me now? Forty. Suddenly, forty is young.” – Dorothy Zbornak

147. “Like I’m the only person who ever mixed a margarita in a sailor’s mouth?” – Blanche Devereaux

148. “Get back here, you deceitful little Sicilian gecko!” – Dorothy Zbornak

149. “It’s wonderful dating in Miami. Every single man under eighty sells cocaine.” – Dorothy Zbornak

150. “Please forgive me. It’s not my fault my cousins have been marrying each other for generations.” – Rose Nylund

151. “I’m jumpier than a virgin at a prison rodeo.” – Blanche Devereaux

152. “Miami, you’re cuter than an intrauterine.” – Rose Nylund

153. “Go hug a landmine!” – Dorothy Zbornak

154. “We have Maalox and estrogen. How many junkies have gas and hot flashes?” – Dorothy Zbornak

155. “Let me tell you girls the three most important things I learned about life—number one, hold fast to your friends; number two, there’s no such thing as security; and number three, don’t go see Ishtar. Woof.” – Sophia Petrillo

156. “You know my motto. Today could be the last day of your life.” – Sophia Petrillo

157. “Fasten your seatbelt, sl*t puppy. This ain’t gonna be no cakewalk!” – Sophia Petrillo

158. “There is a fine line between having a good time and being a wanton sl*t. I know. My toe has been on that line.” – Blanche Devereaux

159. “I thought you wore too much makeup and were a sl*t. I was wrong. You don’t wear too much makeup.” – Rose Nylund

160. “It is not easy being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do it.” – Dorothy Zbornak

161. “Oh please, it’s bad enough hearing all those snickers as you walk down the aisle, but me in white, even I couldn’t keep a straight face.” – Blanche Devereaux

162. “Oh, don’t give up, Dorothy. If the ancient Egyptians could move 20-ton stone blocks to build the pyramids, we can move a toilet.” – Rose Nylund

163. “If I met a man who was over seventy but still looked half-way decent, I’d be on my back faster than you could say, ‘I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!’” – Sophia Petrillo

164. “Dorothy, where I come from you learn never to turn your back on family! NEVER!” – Sophia Petrillo

165. “This reminds me of something that happened back in St. Olaf.” – Rose Nylund

166. “I have a story to end all stories about when someone wouldn’t sleep with me.” – Rose Nylund

167. “Do you want it fast or do you want it good?” – Contractor

168. “You… you… you rude person!” – Rose Nylund

169. “I had a knack for coming up with the firmest, most appealing yams.” – Rose Nylund

170. “I’d love to stay, but I hate your mother.” – Angela

171. “Not Lebanese, Blanche. Lesbian!” – Dorothy Zbornak

172. “Hey, Sicilians can always recognize two things—when someone is telling the truth, and when they’ve had their fingerprints changed.” – Sophia Petrillo

173. “Did you bring your with you or did you make her stay home and clean out her toy box?” – Sophia Petrillo

174. “Oh, just shut up! Shut up, you babbling, bobble-headed, bleach blonde.” – Blanche Devereaux

175. “The woman keeps a chicken in her home, how normal can she be?” – Dorothy Zbornak

176. “They were dogs! Gretchen was a Dalmatian and Buddy was a Schnauzer. And Mr. Bigbotter wasn’t too happy when he ended up with a litter of Schnalmatians!” – Rose Nylund

177. “I took the bull by the horns, turned him around, and showed her what makes a bull a bull.” – Rose Nylund

178. “No, it’s me, Rose! I’m just wearing my hair a little differently.” – Rose Nylund

179. “Oh, hello there. I don’t believe we’ve been introduced. My name is Blanche Deveraux. That’s French for Blanche Deveraux.” – Blanche Devereaux

180. “Dr. Kagan? Hubba hubba zing zing, baby, he’s got everything.” – Rose Nylund

181. “Beat it, you 50-year-old mattress!” – Sophia Petrillo

182. “I could vomit just looking at you!” – Dorothy Zbornak

183. “It’s like you people don’t pay any attention to me whatsoever.” – Rose Nylund

184. “Why do blessings wear disguises? If I were a blessing, I’d run around naked.” – Sophia Petrillo

185. “It’s time I gave something back to the community. A chicken once saved my life.” – Rose Nylund

186. “Rose, honey, have you been washing the fruit off before you eat it?” – Dorothy Zbornak

187. “I hate Jell-O. If God wanted peaches suspended in midair, he would have filled them with helium.” – Sophia Petrillo

188. “My God, I’ve left brain cells all over the Eastern Seaboard.” – Sophia Petrillo

189. “The doctor says it’s the first time he’s ever been called because a baby was sleeping during the day. And then I think he called me an idiot.” – Rose Nylund

190. “My mistake. I thought since you look like Yoda you were also wise.” – Blanche Devereaux


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