1. “We’re kicking off our fun, old-fashioned family Christmas by heading out into the country in the old front-wheel drive sleigh to embrace the frosty majesty of the winter landscape and select the most important of Christmas symbols.” – Clark Griswold
2. “It’s all part of the experience, honey!” – Clark Griswold
3. “You set standards that no family can live up to.” – Ellen Griswold
4. “We’re not driving all the way out here so you can get one of those stupid ties with the Santa Clauses on it, are we Dad?” – Audrey Griswold
5. “I don’t want to spend the holidays dead!” – Ellen Griswold
6. “Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed by thy name. And forgive my husband, he knows not what he does.” – Ellen Griswold
7. “Dad, that thing wouldn’t fit in our yard!” – Rusty Griswold
8. “Eat my rubber!” – Clark Griswold
9. “Clark! We’re stuck under a truck!” – Ellen Griswold
10. “Dad, I think what you mean is, ‘Burn rubber, and eat my dust.’” – Rusty Griswold
11. “Eat my road, Red Liver Lips!” – Clark Griswold
12. “A lot of sap in here! Looks great. A little full. A lot of sap.” – Clark Griswold
13. “Your waxes her upper lip? Hmm, doesn’t show.” – Clark Griswold
14. “Clark, Audrey’s frozen from the waist down.” – Ellen Griswold
15. “Whatever, Russ. Whatever.” – Clark Griswold
16. “I was just smelling—smiling! I was just blouse—browsing!” – Clark Griswold
17. “Oh, no, no! She’s not dead. Yet. We’re just divorced. She’s history.” – Clark Griswold
18. “If you need any help, just give me a holler, I’ll be upstairs—asleep.” – Grandpa Clark
19. “I hope nobody I know drives by and sees me standing in the yard staring at the house in my pajamas.” – Audrey Griswold
20. “Thith tree is a thymbol of the thpirit of the Griswold family Christhmath.” – Clark Griswold
21. “Where do you think you’re gonna put a tree that big?” – Todd Chester
22. “Well, I don’t know what to say except it’s Christmas, and we’re all in misery.” – Ellen Griswold
23. “It wouldn’t be the Christmas shopping season if the stores were any less hooter—hotter, than they are.” – Clark Griswold
24. “I’ll park the cars, and check the luggage, and I’ll be outside for the season.” – Clark Griswold
25. “The little lights are not twinkling.” – Grandpa Art
26. “That’s a honey of a tree, Clark.” – Cousin Eddie
27. “Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?” – Clark Griswold
28. “Santa Claus! Uncle Clark, are you Santa Claus?” – Ruby Sue
29. “If you’re good, Santa knows it. And if you believe in him, and you believe in your mom and you believe in your dad—if you’ve been good all year round, Santa Claus is going to bring you something.” – Clark Griswold
30. “Sh*tt*r’s full.” – Cousin Eddie
31. “Is it plugged in?” – Ellen Griswold
32. “You gotta be proud.” – Clark Griswold
33. “Later, dudes!” – Clark Griswold
34. “Fixed the newel post!” – Clark Griswold
35. “SQUIRREL!” – Grandpa Clark
36. “Gone!” – Clark Griswold
37. “Don’t piss me off, Art.” – Clark Griswold
38. “Play ball!” – Aunt Bethany
39. “I did it.” – Clark Griswold
40. “Here’s the heart.” – Clark Griswold
41. “, I’m so sorry!” – Mary
42. “Bend over and I’ll show you.” – Clark Griswold
43. “What are you looking at?” – Ellen Griswold
44. “Eat my road grit, Liver Lips!” – Clark Griswold
45. “Hey kids, look! A deer!” – Clark Griswold
46. “Would it be indecent to ask the to stay at a hotel?” – Audrey Griswold
47. “Hurry up, Clark. I’m freezing my baguettes off.” – Art Smith
48. “When did you move to Florida?” – Aunt Bethany
49. “Whoa, geez! Look at the time. I gotta get to bed—and brush my teeth, feed the hog, do the laundry, wash the car, still got some homework to do.” – Rusty Griswold
50. “Where do you think you’re going? Nobody’s leaving. Nobody’s walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We’re all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here.” – Clark Griswold
51. “Talk about pissing your money away. I hope you kids see what a silly waste of resources this was.” – Frances Smith
52. “Whew. It is warm in here, isn’t it?” – Clark Griswold
53. “It’s living history, Ellen. But if you’d rather see your cousins. Personally, I’d rather see a pile of mud than Eddie.” – Clark Griswold
54. “I honestly don’t think you’re going to find the Grand Canyon on this road.” – Ellen Griswold
55. “Why aren’t we flying? Because getting there is half the fun. You know that.” – Clark Griswold
56. “Hey, hey, easy kids. Everybody in the car. Boat leaves in two minutes or perhaps you don’t want to see the second largest ball of twine on the face of the earth, which is only four short hours away?” – Clark Griswold
57. “Who was it that said when in Rome do as the Romans do?” – Rusty Griswold
58. “I think you’re all f*ck*d in the head. We’re ten hours from the f*ck*ng fun park and you want to bail out. Well I’ll tell you something. This is no longer a vacation. It’s a quest. It’s a quest for fun. You’re gonna have fun, and I’m gonna have fun!” – Clark Griswold
59. “Jesus, it’s only the biggest damn hole in the world.” – Clark Griswold
60. “Hallelujah! Holy sh*t! Where’s the Tylenol?” – Clark Griswold
61. “No, Aunt Bethany, those are Christmas lights.” – Clark Griswold
62. “The most enjoyable traditions of the season are best enjoyed in the warm embrace of kith and kin.” – Clark Griswold
63. “I’m sure I can’t even afford to be an elf.” – Clark Griswold
64. “Has your father ever killed anyone?” – Lasky
65. “See, kids, it means something different to everybody. Now I know what it means to me.” – Clark Griswold
66. “Excuse me, could you please tell me how to get back on the expressway?” – Clark Griswold
67. “I don’t give a frog’s fat *ss who went through what. We need money! Hey, Russ, wanna look through Aunt Edna’s purse?” – Clark Griswold
68. “I’m making this out for one thousand dollars. All you have to do is give me 300 dollars in cash and keep 700 dollars—all for doing nothing more than acting like a total creep.” – Clark Griswold
69. “Thanks for the pick-me-up, Eddie.” – Clark Griswold
70. “I think you’re forgetting how difficult it’s going to be having everybody at the house at the same time.” – Ellen Griswold
71. “Honey, they’re family—not strangers off the street.” – Clark Griswold
72. “You’re the last true family man.” – Bill
73. “I was just looking at something for my , God rest her soul.” – Clark Griswold
74. “If they know you’re dad, they won’t think anything of it.” – Grandpa Art
75. “Are you out here for a reason, or are you just avoiding the family?” – Ellen Griswold
76. “I just can’t believe you’re actually standing here in my living room, Eddie.” – Clark Griswold
77. “And the older boy, bless his soul, is preparing for his career!” – Cousin Eddie
78. “This isn’t charity, it’s family.” – Clark Griswold
79. “Yeah, I got the in the clinic getting cured off the wild turkey.” – Cousin Eddie
80. “Can’t see the line, can ya, Russ?” – Clark Griswold
81. “Think you might be overdoing it, Dad?” – Rusty Griswold
82. “Oops, a little knot here. You work on that.” – Clark Griswold
83. “Dad, you taught me everything I know about exterior illumination.” – Clark Griswold
84. “You better take a rain check on that, Art—he’s got a lip fungus they ain’t identified yet.” – Cousin Eddie
85. “Surprised, Eddie? If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised than I am right now.” – Clark Griswold
86. “A little tree water ain’t gonna hurt him.” – Cousin Eddie
87. “What is it? A letter confirming your reservation at the nuthouse?” – Grandpa Art
88. “You couldn’t hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant.” – Uncle Lewis
89. “Do you sleep with your brother? Do you know how sick and twisted that is?” – Audrey Griswold
90. “Oh, Aunt Bethany, you shouldn’t have done that.” – Ellen Griswold
91. “Clark, I think it’d be best if everyone went home before things get worse.” – Ellen Griswold
92. “He’s , ain’t he? Only problem is, he’s got a little bit of Mississippi leg hound in him. Mood catches him right, he’ll grab your leg and just go to town. You don’t want him around if you’re wearing short pants, if y’know what I mean!” – Cousin Eddie
93. “I pledge allegiance to the Flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands, one Nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.” – Aunt Bethany
94. “That thing had nine lives—she just spent them all!” – Cousin Eddie
95. “Now, if you’ll excuse me—I’m in the middle of an important call. Get me somebody—anybody.” – Frank Shirley
96. “I borrowed it off a buddy of mine. He took my house, I took the RV.” – Cousin Eddie
97. “I don’t know if I ought to go sailing down no hill with nothing between the ground and my brain but a piece of government plastic.” – Cousin Eddie
98. “Going for a new amateur recreational saucer sled land speed record—Clark W. Griswold Jr.!” – Clark Griswold
99. “In seven years, he couldn’t find a job?” – Clark Griswold
100. “Will you please take it easy, Ellen. I’m in complete control.” – Clark Griswold
101. “Is your house on fire, Clark?” – Aunt Bethany
102. “Mom? This box is meowing.” – Rusty Griswold
103. “Save the neck for me, Clark!” – Cousin Eddie
104. “It’s a one-year membership in the jelly-of-the-month club.” – Clark Griswold
105. “Yes, it’s a bit nipply out, I mean nippy out.” – Clark Griswold
106. “It’s not going in our yard, Russ. It’s going in our living room.” – Clark Griswold
107. “Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my *ss. Kiss his *ss. Happy Hanukkah.” – Clark Griswold
108. “It’s good. It’s good.” – Clark Griswold
109. “When Santa squeezes his fat white *ss down that chimney tonight, he’s gonna find the jolliest bunch of *ssh*l*s this side of the nuthouse!” – Clark Griswold
110. “The BLESSSSSING.” – Uncle Lewis
111. “‘Tis the season to be merry.” – Clark Griswold
112. “Hey Grizz, Bethany and I found the perfect gift for you.” – Uncle Lewis
113. “Jesus, did the room clear out, Bethany? Hell no, she means presents. You shouldn’t have brought presents.” – Uncle Lewis
114. “There are no lots open on Christmas Eve. Lewis burned down my tree so I replaced it as best I could. Voilà.” – Clark Griswold
115. “Russ, we checked every bulb didn’t we?” – Clark Griswold
116. “Our holidays were always such a mess.” – Clark Griswold
117. “Catherine, if this turkey tastes half as good as it looks, we’re all in for a real treat!” – Clark Griswold
118. “Since this is Aunt Bethany’s 80th Christmas, I think she should lead us in the saying of Grace.” – Clark Griswold
119. “I’ll be more than happy to take the rap on this, on behalf of myself and every other employee you rear-ended this Christmas.” – Clark Griswold
120. “I love it here. You don’t have to put on your coat to go to the bathroom, and your house is always parked in the same place.” – Ruby Sue
121. “If he keeps it up, it will be his last Christmas.” – Clark Griswold
122. “Oh, the silent majesty of a winter’s morn. The clean, cool chill of the holiday air. An *ssh*l* in his bathrobe emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer.” – Clark Griswold
123.“I can picture it in my mind, Clark, and it’s wonderful.” – Ellen Griswold
124. “Here’s a little list—alphabetical, starting with Catherine.” – Cousin Eddie
125. “Hey kids, I heard on the news that an airline pilot spotted Santa’s sled on its way in from New York.” – Clark Griswold
126. “He’s old. This may be his last Christmas.” – Ellen Griswold
127. “Hey, Gris, if you’re not doing anything constructive, run into the living room, get my stogy.” – Uncle Lewis
128. “Clark, that’s the gift that keeps on giving the whole year.” – Cousin Eddie
129. “Look what you’ve done to my tree!” – Clark Griswold
130. “Hey! If any of you are looking for any last minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I’d like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head.” – Clark Griswold
131. “When what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a miniature sleigh and Eddie. With a man in his pajamas and a dog chain tied to his wrists and ankles.” – Clark Griswold
132. “Where do you think you’re going? Nobody’s leaving. Nobody’s walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas! No! No!” – Clark Griswold
133. “We’re going to have the hap-hap-happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny f*ck*ng Kaye!” – Clark Griswold
134. “It’s your house, it’s your Christmas, I’m retiring.” – Grandpa Clark
135. “Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas, Clark! You about ready to do some kissing?” – Cousin Eddie
136. “It’s people that make the difference—little people like you.” – Frank Shirley
137. “Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!” – Clark Griswold
138. “Welcome to our home—what’s left of it.” – Ellen Griswold
139. “It’s the Christmas star. And that’s all that matters tonight. Not bonuses or gifts or turkeys or trees.” – Clark Griswold
140. “I didn’t go berserk, I simply solved a problem. We needed a coffin. I mean, a tree.” – Clark Griswold
141. “Do you hear it? It’s a funny squeaky sound!” – Aunt Bethany
142. “I told you we should have gone to Hawaii!” – Rusty Griswold
143. “Not recently, Clark, he read that squirrels were high on cholesterol.” – Catherine Johnson
144. “I can’t just attack someone.” – Todd Chester
145. “I’m going to catch it in the coat, smack it with a hammer!” – Clark Griswold
146. “Worse?! How can they get any worse?! Take a look around you, Ellen! We’re at the threshold of hell!” – Clark Griswold
147. “Frank, honey, you were kidnapped!” – Mrs. Shirley
148. “Yes, officer? It seems my husband has been abducted. The man was wearing a blue leisure suit.” – Mrs. Shirley
149. “I had a lot of help from Jack Daniels.” – Grandpa Clark
150. “You ain’t never seen a set on a dog like this one’s got, Clark.” – Cousin Eddie
151. “Oh, he’s just yakkin’ on a bone.” – Cousin Eddie
152. “Naw, I’m doing just fine, Clark.” – Cousin Eddie
153. “Surprised to see us, Clark?” – Cousin Eddie
154. “Every time Catherine would turn on the microwave, I’d piss my pants and forget who I was for about half an hour.” – Cousin Eddie
155. “If you scratch his belly, Clark, he’ll owe you till the day you die.” – Cousin Eddie
156. “And if it wouldn’t be too much, I’d like to get something for you, Clark. Something real nice.” – Cousin Eddie
157. “If only I had that money Catherine and I gave to that TV preacher who was screwing that hockey player.” – Cousin Eddie
158. “She falls down a well, her eyes go crossed. She gets kicked by a mule, they go back. I don’t know.” – Cousin Eddie
159. “Bonus? How did you get a bonus? I cut out bonuses this year.” – Frank Shirley
160. “Don’t you go falling in love with it now, because we’re taking it with us when we leave here next month.” – Cousin Eddie
161. “I don’t know why they call this stuff Hamburger Helper. It does just fine by itself, huh? I like it better than Tuna Helper myself, don’t you, Clark?” – Cousin Eddie
162. “Oh, nothing but the best.” – Cousin Eddie
163. “I haven’t seen a beatin’ like that since somebody stuck a banana in my pants and turned a monkey loose.” – Cousin Eddie
164. “You serious, Clark?” – Cousin Eddie
165. “My cousin-in-law, whose heart is bigger than his brain, is innocent.” – Clark Griswold
166. “I wasn’t talking to you.” – Clark Griswold
167. “Where’s Eddie? He usually eats these things.” – Clark Griswold
168. “Do you really think it matters, Eddie?” – Clark Griswold
169. “He oughta know it’s illegal. That’s a storm sewer. If it fills with gas, I pity the person who lights a match within ten yards of it.” – Clark Griswold
170. “I really shouldn’t, Eddie. My hands are all chapped.” – Clark Griswold
171. “I dedicate this house to the Griswold Family Christmas.” – Clark Griswold
172. “Would you rather I slipped her in the night deposit box at the funeral home?” – Clark Griswold
173. “Don’t let your mother smell that beer on your breath.” – Clark Griswold
174. “No, Eddie. It was my fault. I lost my temper when I got my bonus and I guess I said a few things I shouldn’t have.” – Clark Griswold
175. “And why is the carpet all wet, Todddddd?” – Margo Chester
176. “Catherine says he’s been holding out for a management position.” – Ellen Griswold
177. “Is this the airport, Clark?” – Aunt Bethany
178. “I love riding in cars!” – Aunt Bethany
179. “I don’t know Margo!” – Todd Chester
180. “Grace? She passed away 30 years ago!” – Aunt Bethany
181. “Your grandma’s got a real painful burn on her heel. If you rub it for me, I’ll give you a whole quarter.” – Grandma Griswold
182. “If you want to come in, you’ll have to break down the g*dd*mn door!” – Margo Chester
183. “You just march over there and slug that creep in the face.” – Margo Chester
184. “You’ve got a lot of nerve talking to me like that, Griswold.” – Todd Chester
185. “Don’t throw me down, Clark.” – Aunt Bethany
186. “Rocky bit my thumb. He’s nervous.” – Ruby Sue
187. “Clark, what do you need the hammer for?” – Ellen Griswold
188. “We’re not really violent people. This is our first gun.” – Ellen Griswold
189. “We can’t leave her on the piano!” – Ellen Griswold
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