1. “We’re kicking off our fun, old-fashioned family Christmas by heading out into the country in the old front-wheel drive sleigh to embrace the frosty majesty of the winter landscape and select the most important of Christmas symbols.” – Clark Griswold

2. “It’s all part of the experience, honey!” – Clark Griswold

3. “You set standards that no family can live up to.” – Ellen Griswold

4. “We’re not driving all the way out here so you can get one of those stupid ties with the Santa Clauses on it, are we Dad?” – Audrey Griswold

5. “I don’t want to spend the holidays dead!” – Ellen Griswold

6. “Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed by thy name. And forgive my husband, he knows not what he does.” – Ellen Griswold

7. “Dad, that thing wouldn’t fit in our yard!” – Rusty Griswold

8. “Eat my rubber!” – Clark Griswold

9. “Clark! We’re stuck under a truck!” – Ellen Griswold

10. “Dad, I think what you mean is, ‘Burn rubber, and eat my dust.’” – Rusty Griswold

11. “Eat my road, Red Liver Lips!” – Clark Griswold

12. “A lot of sap in here! Looks great. A little full. A lot of sap.” – Clark Griswold

13. “Your waxes her upper lip? Hmm, doesn’t show.” – Clark Griswold

14. “Clark, Audrey’s frozen from the waist down.” – Ellen Griswold

15. “Whatever, Russ. Whatever.” – Clark Griswold

16. “I was just smelling—smiling! I was just blouse—browsing!” – Clark Griswold

17. “Oh, no, no! She’s not dead. Yet. We’re just divorced. She’s history.” – Clark Griswold

18. “If you need any help, just give me a holler, I’ll be upstairs—asleep.” – Grandpa Clark

19. “I hope nobody I know drives by and sees me standing in the yard staring at the house in my pajamas.” – Audrey Griswold

20. “Thith tree is a thymbol of the thpirit of the Griswold family Christhmath.” – Clark Griswold

21. “Where do you think you’re gonna put a tree that big?” – Todd Chester

22. “Well, I don’t know what to say except it’s Christmas, and we’re all in misery.” – Ellen Griswold

23. “It wouldn’t be the Christmas shopping season if the stores were any less hooter—hotter, than they are.” – Clark Griswold

24. “I’ll park the cars, and check the luggage, and I’ll be outside for the season.” – Clark Griswold

25. “The little lights are not twinkling.” – Grandpa Art

26. “That’s a honey of a tree, Clark.” – Cousin Eddie

27. “Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?” – Clark Griswold

28. “Santa Claus! Uncle Clark, are you Santa Claus?” – Ruby Sue

29. “If you’re good, Santa knows it. And if you believe in him, and you believe in your mom and you believe in your dad—if you’ve been good all year round, Santa Claus is going to bring you something.” – Clark Griswold

30. “Sh*tt*r’s full.” – Cousin Eddie

31. “Is it plugged in?” – Ellen Griswold

32. “You gotta be proud.” – Clark Griswold

33. “Later, dudes!” – Clark Griswold

34. “Fixed the newel post!” – Clark Griswold

35. “SQUIRREL!” – Grandpa Clark

36. “Gone!” – Clark Griswold

37. “Don’t piss me off, Art.” – Clark Griswold

38. “Play ball!” – Aunt Bethany

39. “I did it.” – Clark Griswold

40. “Here’s the heart.” – Clark Griswold

41. “, I’m so sorry!” – Mary

42. “Bend over and I’ll show you.” – Clark Griswold

43. “What are you looking at?” – Ellen Griswold

44. “Eat my road grit, Liver Lips!” – Clark Griswold

45. “Hey kids, look! A deer!” – Clark Griswold

46. “Would it be indecent to ask the to stay at a hotel?” – Audrey Griswold

47. “Hurry up, Clark. I’m freezing my baguettes off.” – Art Smith

48. “When did you move to Florida?” – Aunt Bethany

49. “Whoa, geez! Look at the time. I gotta get to bed—and brush my teeth, feed the hog, do the laundry, wash the car, still got some homework to do.” – Rusty Griswold

50. “Where do you think you’re going? Nobody’s leaving. Nobody’s walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We’re all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here.” – Clark Griswold

51. “Talk about pissing your money away. I hope you kids see what a silly waste of resources this was.” – Frances Smith

52. “Whew. It is warm in here, isn’t it?” – Clark Griswold

53. “It’s living history, Ellen. But if you’d rather see your cousins. Personally, I’d rather see a pile of mud than Eddie.” – Clark Griswold

54. “I honestly don’t think you’re going to find the Grand Canyon on this road.” – Ellen Griswold

55. “Why aren’t we flying? Because getting there is half the fun. You know that.” – Clark Griswold

56. “Hey, hey, easy kids. Everybody in the car. Boat leaves in two minutes or perhaps you don’t want to see the second largest ball of twine on the face of the earth, which is only four short hours away?” – Clark Griswold

57. “Who was it that said when in Rome do as the Romans do?” – Rusty Griswold

58. “I think you’re all f*ck*d in the head. We’re ten hours from the f*ck*ng fun park and you want to bail out. Well I’ll tell you something. This is no longer a vacation. It’s a quest. It’s a quest for fun. You’re gonna have fun, and I’m gonna have fun!” – Clark Griswold

59. “Jesus, it’s only the biggest damn hole in the world.” – Clark Griswold

60. “Hallelujah! Holy sh*t! Where’s the Tylenol?” – Clark Griswold

61. “No, Aunt Bethany, those are Christmas lights.” – Clark Griswold

62. “The most enjoyable traditions of the season are best enjoyed in the warm embrace of kith and kin.” – Clark Griswold

63. “I’m sure I can’t even afford to be an elf.” – Clark Griswold

64. “Has your father ever killed anyone?” – Lasky

65. “See, kids, it means something different to everybody. Now I know what it means to me.” – Clark Griswold

66. “Excuse me, could you please tell me how to get back on the expressway?” – Clark Griswold

67. “I don’t give a frog’s fat *ss who went through what. We need money! Hey, Russ, wanna look through Aunt Edna’s purse?” – Clark Griswold

68. “I’m making this out for one thousand dollars. All you have to do is give me 300 dollars in cash and keep 700 dollars—all for doing nothing more than acting like a total creep.” – Clark Griswold

69. “Thanks for the pick-me-up, Eddie.” – Clark Griswold

70. “I think you’re forgetting how difficult it’s going to be having everybody at the house at the same time.” – Ellen Griswold

71. “Honey, they’re family—not strangers off the street.” – Clark Griswold

72. “You’re the last true family man.” – Bill

73. “I was just looking at something for my , God rest her soul.” – Clark Griswold

74. “If they know you’re dad, they won’t think anything of it.” – Grandpa Art

75. “Are you out here for a reason, or are you just avoiding the family?” – Ellen Griswold

76. “I just can’t believe you’re actually standing here in my living room, Eddie.” – Clark Griswold

77. “And the older boy, bless his soul, is preparing for his career!” – Cousin Eddie

78. “This isn’t charity, it’s family.” – Clark Griswold

79. “Yeah, I got the in the clinic getting cured off the wild turkey.” – Cousin Eddie

80. “Can’t see the line, can ya, Russ?” – Clark Griswold

81. “Think you might be overdoing it, Dad?” – Rusty Griswold

82. “Oops, a little knot here. You work on that.” – Clark Griswold

83. “Dad, you taught me everything I know about exterior illumination.” – Clark Griswold

84. “You better take a rain check on that, Art—he’s got a lip fungus they ain’t identified yet.” – Cousin Eddie

85. “Surprised, Eddie? If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised than I am right now.” – Clark Griswold

86. “A little tree water ain’t gonna hurt him.” – Cousin Eddie

87. “What is it? A letter confirming your reservation at the nuthouse?” – Grandpa Art

88. “You couldn’t hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant.” – Uncle Lewis

89. “Do you sleep with your brother? Do you know how sick and twisted that is?” – Audrey Griswold

90. “Oh, Aunt Bethany, you shouldn’t have done that.” – Ellen Griswold

91. “Clark, I think it’d be best if everyone went home before things get worse.” – Ellen Griswold

92. “He’s , ain’t he? Only problem is, he’s got a little bit of Mississippi leg hound in him. Mood catches him right, he’ll grab your leg and just go to town. You don’t want him around if you’re wearing short pants, if y’know what I mean!” – Cousin Eddie

93. “I pledge allegiance to the Flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands, one Nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.” – Aunt Bethany

94. “That thing had nine lives—she just spent them all!” – Cousin Eddie

95. “Now, if you’ll excuse me—I’m in the middle of an important call. Get me somebody—anybody.” – Frank Shirley

96. “I borrowed it off a buddy of mine. He took my house, I took the RV.” – Cousin Eddie

97. “I don’t know if I ought to go sailing down no hill with nothing between the ground and my brain but a piece of government plastic.” – Cousin Eddie

98. “Going for a new amateur recreational saucer sled land speed record—Clark W. Griswold Jr.!” – Clark Griswold

99. “In seven years, he couldn’t find a job?” – Clark Griswold

100. “Will you please take it easy, Ellen. I’m in complete control.” – Clark Griswold

101. “Is your house on fire, Clark?” – Aunt Bethany

102. “Mom? This box is meowing.” – Rusty Griswold

103. “Save the neck for me, Clark!” – Cousin Eddie

104. “It’s a one-year membership in the jelly-of-the-month club.” – Clark Griswold

105. “Yes, it’s a bit nipply out, I mean nippy out.” – Clark Griswold

106. “It’s not going in our yard, Russ. It’s going in our living room.” – Clark Griswold

107. “Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my *ss. Kiss his *ss. Happy Hanukkah.” – Clark Griswold

108. “It’s good. It’s good.” – Clark Griswold

109. “When Santa squeezes his fat white *ss down that chimney tonight, he’s gonna find the jolliest bunch of *ssh*l*s this side of the nuthouse!” – Clark Griswold

110. “The BLESSSSSING.” – Uncle Lewis

111. “‘Tis the season to be merry.” – Clark Griswold

112. “Hey Grizz, Bethany and I found the perfect gift for you.” – Uncle Lewis

113. “Jesus, did the room clear out, Bethany? Hell no, she means presents. You shouldn’t have brought presents.” – Uncle Lewis

114. “There are no lots open on Christmas Eve. Lewis burned down my tree so I replaced it as best I could. Voilà.” – Clark Griswold

115. “Russ, we checked every bulb didn’t we?” – Clark Griswold

116. “Our holidays were always such a mess.” – Clark Griswold

117. “Catherine, if this turkey tastes half as good as it looks, we’re all in for a real treat!” – Clark Griswold

118. “Since this is Aunt Bethany’s 80th Christmas, I think she should lead us in the saying of Grace.” – Clark Griswold

119. “I’ll be more than happy to take the rap on this, on behalf of myself and every other employee you rear-ended this Christmas.” – Clark Griswold

120. “I love it here. You don’t have to put on your coat to go to the bathroom, and your house is always parked in the same place.” – Ruby Sue

121. “If he keeps it up, it will be his last Christmas.” – Clark Griswold

122. “Oh, the silent majesty of a winter’s morn. The clean, cool chill of the holiday air. An *ssh*l* in his bathrobe emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer.” – Clark Griswold

123.“I can picture it in my mind, Clark, and it’s wonderful.” – Ellen Griswold

124. “Here’s a little list—alphabetical, starting with Catherine.” – Cousin Eddie

125. “Hey kids, I heard on the news that an airline pilot spotted Santa’s sled on its way in from New York.” – Clark Griswold

126. “He’s old. This may be his last Christmas.” – Ellen Griswold

127. “Hey, Gris, if you’re not doing anything constructive, run into the living room, get my stogy.” – Uncle Lewis

128. “Clark, that’s the gift that keeps on giving the whole year.” – Cousin Eddie

129. “Look what you’ve done to my tree!” – Clark Griswold

130. “Hey! If any of you are looking for any last minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I’d like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head.” – Clark Griswold

131. “When what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a miniature sleigh and Eddie. With a man in his pajamas and a dog chain tied to his wrists and ankles.” – Clark Griswold

132. “Where do you think you’re going? Nobody’s leaving. Nobody’s walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas! No! No!” – Clark Griswold

133. “We’re going to have the hap-hap-happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny f*ck*ng Kaye!” – Clark Griswold

134. “It’s your house, it’s your Christmas, I’m retiring.” – Grandpa Clark

135. “Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas, Clark! You about ready to do some kissing?” – Cousin Eddie

136. “It’s people that make the difference—little people like you.” – Frank Shirley

137. “Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!” – Clark Griswold

138. “Welcome to our home—what’s left of it.” – Ellen Griswold

139. “It’s the Christmas star. And that’s all that matters tonight. Not bonuses or gifts or turkeys or trees.” – Clark Griswold

140. “I didn’t go berserk, I simply solved a problem. We needed a coffin. I mean, a tree.” – Clark Griswold

141. “Do you hear it? It’s a funny squeaky sound!” – Aunt Bethany

142. “I told you we should have gone to Hawaii!” – Rusty Griswold

143. “Not recently, Clark, he read that squirrels were high on cholesterol.” – Catherine Johnson

144. “I can’t just attack someone.” – Todd Chester

145. “I’m going to catch it in the coat, smack it with a hammer!” – Clark Griswold

146. “Worse?! How can they get any worse?! Take a look around you, Ellen! We’re at the threshold of hell!” – Clark Griswold

147. “Frank, honey, you were kidnapped!” – Mrs. Shirley

148. “Yes, officer? It seems my husband has been abducted. The man was wearing a blue leisure suit.” – Mrs. Shirley

149. “I had a lot of help from Jack Daniels.” – Grandpa Clark

150. “You ain’t never seen a set on a dog like this one’s got, Clark.” – Cousin Eddie

151. “Oh, he’s just yakkin’ on a bone.” – Cousin Eddie

152. “Naw, I’m doing just fine, Clark.” – Cousin Eddie

153. “Surprised to see us, Clark?” – Cousin Eddie

154. “Every time Catherine would turn on the microwave, I’d piss my pants and forget who I was for about half an hour.” – Cousin Eddie

155. “If you scratch his belly, Clark, he’ll owe you till the day you die.” – Cousin Eddie

156. “And if it wouldn’t be too much, I’d like to get something for you, Clark. Something real nice.” – Cousin Eddie

157. “If only I had that money Catherine and I gave to that TV preacher who was screwing that hockey player.” – Cousin Eddie

158. “She falls down a well, her eyes go crossed. She gets kicked by a mule, they go back. I don’t know.” – Cousin Eddie

159. “Bonus? How did you get a bonus? I cut out bonuses this year.” – Frank Shirley

160. “Don’t you go falling in love with it now, because we’re taking it with us when we leave here next month.” – Cousin Eddie

161. “I don’t know why they call this stuff Hamburger Helper. It does just fine by itself, huh? I like it better than Tuna Helper myself, don’t you, Clark?” – Cousin Eddie

162. “Oh, nothing but the best.” – Cousin Eddie

163. “I haven’t seen a beatin’ like that since somebody stuck a banana in my pants and turned a monkey loose.” – Cousin Eddie

164. “You serious, Clark?” – Cousin Eddie

165. “My cousin-in-law, whose heart is bigger than his brain, is innocent.” – Clark Griswold

166. “I wasn’t talking to you.” – Clark Griswold

167. “Where’s Eddie? He usually eats these things.” – Clark Griswold

168. “Do you really think it matters, Eddie?” – Clark Griswold

169. “He oughta know it’s illegal. That’s a storm sewer. If it fills with gas, I pity the person who lights a match within ten yards of it.” – Clark Griswold

170. “I really shouldn’t, Eddie. My hands are all chapped.” – Clark Griswold

171. “I dedicate this house to the Griswold Family Christmas.” – Clark Griswold

172. “Would you rather I slipped her in the night deposit box at the funeral home?” – Clark Griswold

173. “Don’t let your mother smell that beer on your breath.” – Clark Griswold

174. “No, Eddie. It was my fault. I lost my temper when I got my bonus and I guess I said a few things I shouldn’t have.” – Clark Griswold

175. “And why is the carpet all wet, Todddddd?” – Margo Chester

176. “Catherine says he’s been holding out for a management position.” – Ellen Griswold

177. “Is this the airport, Clark?” – Aunt Bethany

178. “I love riding in cars!” – Aunt Bethany

179. “I don’t know Margo!” – Todd Chester

180. “Grace? She passed away 30 years ago!” – Aunt Bethany

181. “Your grandma’s got a real painful burn on her heel. If you rub it for me, I’ll give you a whole quarter.” – Grandma Griswold

182. “If you want to come in, you’ll have to break down the g*dd*mn door!” – Margo Chester

183. “You just march over there and slug that creep in the face.” – Margo Chester

184. “You’ve got a lot of nerve talking to me like that, Griswold.” – Todd Chester

185. “Don’t throw me down, Clark.” – Aunt Bethany

186. “Rocky bit my thumb. He’s nervous.” – Ruby Sue

187. “Clark, what do you need the hammer for?” – Ellen Griswold

188. “We’re not really violent people. This is our first gun.” – Ellen Griswold

189. “We can’t leave her on the piano!” – Ellen Griswold


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