2. “Now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb.” – Lord Dark Helmet
3. “Out of order? Even in the future, nothing works!” – Lord Dark Helmet
4. “May the Schwartz be with you.” – Yogurt
5. “So, the combination is one, two, three, four, five? That’s the stupidest combination I ever heard in my life! That’s the kinda thing an idiot would have on his luggage.” – Lord Dark Helmet
6. “No sir, I didn’t see you playing with your dolls again!” – Colonel Sandurz
7. “I bet she gives a great helmet.” – Lord Dark Helmet
8. “There’s only one man who would dare give me the raspberry—Lone Starr!” – Lord Dark Helmet
9. “Excuse me. I’m trying to conduct a wedding here which has nothing to do with love. Please, be quiet!” – Druidian Priest
10. “Yes. I always have my coffee when I watch radar, you know that!” – Lord Dark Helmet
11. “What have I done? My brains—are going into my feet!” – Lord Dark Helmet
12. “Listen, we’re not just doing this for money. We’re doing it for a shit load of money!” – Lone Starr
13. “I knew it! I’m surrounded by assholes.” – Lord Dark Helmet
14. “We’re at now, now.” – Lord Dark Helmet
15. ”You listen. On this ship, you’re to refer to me as ‘idiot,’ not ‘you captain.’ I mean, you know what I mean.” – Lone Starr
16. “Knock on my door! Knock next time!” – Lord Dark Helmet
17. “I hate it when my Shwartz gets twisted!” – Lord Dark Helmet
18. “You idiots! These are not them! You’ve captured their stunt doubles!” – Captain of the Guard
19. “Get out of my escape pod you bearded bitch!” – Lord Dark Helmet
20. Self-Destruct Voice: “Ten, nine, eight, six—.”
President Skroob: “Six? What happened to seven?”
Self-Destruct Voice: “Just kidding!”
21. “I am your father’s brother’s nephew’s former roommate.” – Lord Dark Helmet
22. “It’s either the fourth of July or someone’s trying to kill us!” – Dot Matrix
23. “I am the Bearded Lady. What are you? One of the freaks?” – Bearded Lady
24. “Please, please, don’t make a fuss. I’m just plain Yogurt.” – Yogurt
25. “That was my virgin alarm. It’s programmed to go off before you do!” – Dot Matrix
26. “I’m a Mawg. Half-man, half-dog. I’m my own best friend.” – Barf
27. “Absolutely nothing! Which is what you are about to become.” – Lord Dark Helmet
28. “Helmet! So, at last, we meet for the first time for the last time.” – Lone Starr
29. “Say goodbye to your two best friends, and I don’t mean your pals in the Winnebago.” – Lord Dark Helmet
30. “Well, you opened your fortune cookie, so here’s your fortune. Lone Starr, you know that medallion that you wear around your neck, but you don’t know what it means? Well, here’s what it means. It’s a royal birth certificate. Yes! Your father was a king. Your mother was a queen. Which makes you a certified prince.” – Yogurt
31. “It worked, sir. We have the combination.” – Lord Dark Helmet
32. “1, 2, 3, 4, 5? That’s amazing. I’ve got the same combination on my luggage.” – President Skroob
33. “Once we kidnap the princess, we will force her father, King Roland, to give us the combination to the air shield, thereby destroying Planet Druidia and saving Planet Spaceball.” – Colonel Sandurz
34. “Great. Now, we can take every last breath of fresh air from Planet Druidia. What’s the combination?” – President Skroob
35. “This ship will self-destruct in 20 seconds. This is your last chance to push the cancellation button.” – Self-Destruct Voice
36. “Prepare ship for light speed.” – Colonel Sandurz
37. “Yes, we’re gonna have to go right to ludicrous speed.” – Lord Dark Helmet
38. “I’m having trouble with the radar, sir.” – Radar Technician
39. “No, no, no, light speed is too slow.” – Lord Dark Helmet
40. “I’ve lost the bleeps, I’ve lost the sweeps, and I’ve lost the creeps.” – Radar Technician
41. “Light speed, too slow?” – Colonel Sandurz
42. “Cancellation button? Hurry!” – President Skroob
43. “Ludicrous speed, go!” – Lord Dark Helmet
44. “God willing, we’ll all meet again in Spaceballs 2: The Search for More Money.” – Yogurt
45. “The Ring! I can’t believe you fell for the oldest trick in the book! What a goof! What’s with you, man? Come on! You know what? Here, let me give it back to you.” – Lord Dark Helmet
46. “Now, we’ll show her who is in charge of this galaxy.” – Lord Dark Helmet
47. “Did I miss something? When did we get to Disneyland?” – Lone Starr
48. “It’s my industrial-strength hair-dryer, and I can’t live without it!” – Princess Vespa
49. “You have the ring, and I see your Schwartz is as big as mine. Now, let’s see how well you handle it.” – Lord Dark Helmet
50. “Now. You’re looking at now, sir. Everything that happens now is happening now.” – Colonel Sandurz
51. “What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the movie?” – Lord Dark Helmet
52. “So Princess Vespa, you thought you could outwit the imperious forces of Planet Spaceball. Well, you were wrong. You are now our prisoner and you will be held captive until such time as all the air is transferred from your planet—to ours.” – Lord Dark Helmet
53. “Why didn’t somebody tell me my ass was so big?!” – President Skroob
54. “I can’t breathe in this thing!” – Lord Dark Helmet
55. “Spaceballs? Forget it, too dangerous. Besides, I’m already numero uno on Dark Helmet’s hit list.” – Lone Starr
56. “Yogurt! Yogurt! I hate Yogurt! Even with strawberries.” – Lord Dark Helmet
57. “Where the hell are we, Paris?!” – President Skroob
58. “My hair, he shot my hair. Son of a bitch!” – Princess Vespa
59. “Before you die there is something you should know about us, Lone Starr.” – Lord Dark Helmet
60. “One pod left and three of us, and I’m the president. Well, boys, it’s a very lovely ship, I think you should go down with it. Goodbye. What the hell’s the matter with this seat belt? Ahhh!” – President Skroob
61. “But Yogurt, what if I never see you again?” – Lone Starr
62. “Hey, I’m a prince! I’m a prince!” – Lone Starr
63. “So, Lone Starr. Yogurt has taught you well. If there’s one thing I despise, it is a fair fight. But if I must, then I must. May the best man win. Put ‘er there.” – Lord Dark Helmet
64. “Look your highness, it’s not that we’re afraid, far from it. It’s just that we’ve got this thing about death; it’s not us.” – Barf
65. “What’s the matter, Colonel Sandurz? Chicken?” – Lord Dark Helmet
66. “Hey, hey, hey! That’s my escape pod. Who are you?” – Lord Dark Helmet
67. “No, no, no, stupid, you’ve got it much too high. It’s down here where the shoulder meets the neck.” – Mega Maid Guard
68. “And what have we got on this thing, a Cuisinart?” – Lord Dark Helmet
69. “Ah, planet Druidia. And under that air shield, 10,000 years of fresh air. We must get through that air shield!” – Lord Dark Helmet
70. “Merchandising! Merchandising! Where the real money from the movie is made. Spaceballs: the T-shirt, Spaceballs: the Coloring Book, Spaceballs: the Lunchbox, Spaceballs: the Breakfast Cereal! Spaceballs: the Flame-Thrower!” – Yogurt
71. Barf: “What the hell was that?!”
Lone Starr: “Spaceball One.”
72. “Commence operation—’Vacu-Suck!’” – Lord Dark Helmet
73. “What? You went over my helmet?” – Lord Dark Helmet
74. “Buckle up back there, we’re going into—’Hyperactive!’” – Lone Starr
75. “The ship is too big. If I walk, the movie will be over.” – President Skroob
76. “I told you never to call me on this wall! This is an unlisted wall!” – President Skroob
77. “We’ll have none of that mister! How far did he get? What’d he touch?” – Dot Matrix
78. “They’ve gone to plaid!” – Barf
79. “Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness Princess Vespa, daughter of King Roland going right past the altar, heading down the ramp and out the door!” – Minister
80. “Sandurz, Sandurz. You got to help me. I don’t know what to do. I can’t make decisions. I’m a president!” – President Skroob
81. “It’s Mega Maid. She’s gone from suck to blow.” – Colonel Sandurz
82. “Not really. I was found on the doorstep of a monastery.” – Lone Starr
83. “Fasten all seatbelts, seal all entrances and exits, close all shops in the mall, cancel the three-ring circus, secure all animals in the zoo!” – Colonel Sandurz
84. “Not in here, Mister. This is a Mercedes!” – Dot Matrix
85. “I’ll have the cleavage, I mean the special.” – Barf
86. “I wonder, will we ever see each other again?” – Lone Starr
87. “Goodbye, virgin alarm.” – Dot Matrix
88. “Here I am! I’m sorry! I had to make a pit-stop! I’m so excited that I couldn’t hold my oil.” – Dot Matrix
89. “Hey, that was pretty good for Rambo!” – Dot Matrix
90. “That is his name, sir. Asshole, major asshole!” – Colonel Sandurz
91. “No you fool, we’re following orders. We were told to comb the desert so we’re combing it.” – Lord Dark Helmet
92. “Of course, you do. Druish princesses are often attracted to money and power, and I have both, and you know it!” – Lord Dark Helmet
93. “Did it work? Where’s the king?” – President Skroob
94. “No, you didn’t! You turned off the whole movie!” – Lord Dark Helmet
95. “The kids love this one. And last but not least, Spaceballs the doll, me.” – Yogurt
96. “That’s much too early. Prepare to fast-forward!” – Colonel Sandurz
97. “You know what Princess, you’re ugly when you’re angry.” – Lone Starr
98. “Why are we always ‘preparing?’ Just go.” – Lord Dark Helmet
99. “Can we talk? Okay, we all know Prince Valium is a pill. But you could have married him for your father’s sake and had a headache for the next 25 years.” – Dot Matrix
100. “We cannot go back, we already passed it.” – Colonel Sandurz
101. “Please bring her back safely! And if it’s at all possible, try to save the car.” – King Roland
102. “Well, I hope it’s a long ceremony, ’cause it’s gonna be a short honeymoon.” – Lord Dark Helmet
103. “Here we go. The short, short version. Do you? Do you? Good! You’re married! Kiss her!” – Minister
104. “On a sadder note, Pizza the Hutt was found dead earlier today in the back seat of his stretch limo. Evidently, the notorious gangster became locked in his car and ate himself to death. Coming up, Pongo’s review of Rocky 5,000!” – Newsman
105. “No, we can’t go in there. Yogurt has the Schwartz. It’s far too powerful.” – Lord Dark Helmet
106. “What’s the matter with this thing? What’s all this churning and bubbling? You call that a radar screen?” – Lord Dark Helmet
107. “Well, that’s true, sir, but there’s been a new breakthrough in home video marketing.” – Colonel Sandurz
108. “I am the keeper of a greater power, a power known throughout the universe as the—no, the Schwartz!” – Yogurt
109. “I don’t know about this beaming stuff? Is it safe?” – President Skroob
110. “Ha, didn’t even stay for the wedding. Just took his million space buck and ran.” – Princess Vespa
111. “Yes! Instant cassettes. They’re out in stores before the movie is finished!” – Colonel Sandurz
112. “I was saying, do you realize what you’ve done?” – Dot Matrix
113. “Prepare for Metamorphosis, are you ready Kafka?” – Lord Dark Helmet
114. “But, sir, what about your ring? Don’t you have the Schwartz, too?” – Colonel Sandurz
115. “How can there be a cassette of Spaceballs the movie? We’re still in the middle of making it!” – Lord Dark Helmet
116. “We are here to join these two together in holy—moly!!” – Druidian Priest
117. “Good. I’ll call Spaceball City and notify President Skroob immediately.” – Lord Dark Helmet
118. “Fire a warning shot across her nose.” – Lord Dark Helmet
119. “We’re closing in on them, sir. In less than a minute, Lone Starr will be ours.” – Colonel Sandurz
120. “Bullshit! Just stop this thing! I order you!” – Lord Dark Helmet
121. “Because we’re in the middle of a desert and we’re not going to get very far once that blazing sun gets overhead.” – Lone Starr
122. “Hey! I don’t have to put up with this! I’m rich!” – Princess Vespa
123. “I don’t know, sir! They must have hyper jets on that thing!” – Colonel Sandurz
124. “Oh, look at that, you fell for that too! I can’t believe it, man.” – Lord Dark Helmet
125. “Who made that man a gunner?” – Lord Dark Helmet
126. “Very good, sir. It’s a good thing you were wearing that helmet.” – Colonel Sandurz
127. “Abandon ship! Abandon ship! Women and Mawgs first! Aghh!” – Barf
128. “Yes, it’s me, and I’m here to save my girlfriend! Hi, honey!” – Lord Dark Helmet
129. “Good. Why don’t we take a five-minute break?” – Lord Dark Helmet
