1. “Reality continues to ruin my life.” – Calvin

2. “Isn’t it strange that evolution would give us a sense of humor? When you think about it, it’s weird that we have a physiological response to absurdity. We laugh at nonsense. We like it. We think it’s funny. Don’t you think it’s odd that we appreciate absurdity? Why would we develop that way? How does it benefit us?” – Calvin

3. “There’s no problem so awful that you can’t add some guilt to it and make it even worse.” – Calvin

4. “Dad, how do soldiers killing each other solve the world’s problems?” – Calvin

5. “It’s true, Hobbes. Ignorance is bliss! Once you know things, you start seeing problems everywhere. And once you see problems, you feel like you ought to fix them. And fixing problems always seems to require personal change. And change means doing things that aren’t fun! I say phooey to that!” – Calvin

6. “Life’s a lot more fun when you aren’t responsible for your actions.” – Calvin

7. “Everybody seeks happiness! Not me, though! That’s the difference between me and the rest of the world. Happiness isn’t good enough for me! I demand euphoria!” – Calvin

8. “Life is like topography, Hobbes. There are summits of happiness and success, flat stretches of boring routine, and valleys of frustration and failure.” – Calvin

9. “As you can see, I have memorized this utterly useless piece of information long enough to pass a test question. I now intend to forget it forever. You’ve taught me nothing except how to cynically manipulate the system. Congratulations.” – Calvin

10. “I think nighttime is dark so you can imagine your fears with less distraction.” – Calvin

11. “I suppose if we couldn’t laugh at things that don’t make sense, we couldn’t react to a lot of life.” – Hobbes

12. “Until you stalk and overrun, you cannot devour anyone.” – Hobbes

13. “We’re so busy watching out for what’s just ahead of us that we don’t take time to enjoy where we are.” – Calvin

14. “I used to hate writing assignments, but now I enjoy them. I realized that the purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure poor reasoning, and inhibit clarity. With a little practice, writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable ! Want to see my book report?” – Calvin

15. “You know, Hobbes, some days, even my lucky rocketship underpants don’t help.” – Calvin

16. “They say the satisfaction of teaching makes up for the lousy pay.” – Calvin

17. “Getting an inch of snow is like winning 10 cents in the lottery.” – Calvin

18. “The world bores you when you’re cool.” – Calvin

19. “Yeah, but actually, I’ve got the same questions about God.” – Calvin

20. “So the secret to good self-esteem is to lower your expectations to the point where they’re already met?” – Hobbes

21. “What on earth am I doing here on this beautiful day?! This is the only life I’ve got!” – Calvin

22. “Van Gogh would’ve sold more than one painting if he’d put tigers in them.” – Hobbes

23. “Sure, I’m hungry too.” – Hobbes

24. “I see. And what will you do if the rest of your life doesn’t entertain you every minute?” – Miss Wormwood

25. “People always make the mistake of thinking art is created for them. But really, art is a private language for sophisticates to congratulate themselves on their superiority to the rest of the world. As my artist’s statement explains, my work is utterly incomprehensible and is therefore full of deep significance.” – Calvin

26. “It says here that ‘religion is the opiate of the masses.’ What do you suppose that means?” – Calvin

27. “A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day.” – Calvin

28.​​ “Life is full of surprises, but never when you need one.” – Calvin

29. “That’s thoughtful of you.” – Hobbes

30. “They say the world is a stage. But obviously, the play is unrehearsed and everybody is ad-libbing his lines.” – Calvin

31. “In that case, young man, I suggest you start working harder. What you get out of school, depends on what you put into it.” – Miss Wormwood

32. “Mom says death is as natural as birth, and it’s all part of the life cycle. She says we don’t really understand it, but there are many things we don’t understand, and we just have to do the best we can with the knowledge we have. I guess that makes sense. But don’t you go anywhere.” – Calvin

33. “Right. You’ve got to take the bad with the good.” – Calvin’s Dad

34. “Sometimes, I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.” – Calvin

35. “Next time, try a drink of water and a few deep breaths.” – Miss Wormwood

36. “I’m killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness.” – Calvin

37. “If your emotional security depends on satisfying a need you didn’t have before you read the ad, go ahead.” – Hobbes

38. “You know, Hobbes, I can’t figure out this death stuff. Why did that little raccoon have to die? He didn’t do anything wrong. He was just little! What’s the point of putting him here and taking him back so soon?” – Calvin

39. Hobbes: “A lot of things are like that.”

Calvin: “Nobody asks me how things ought to be. I’ve got tons of ideas!”

40. “If good things lasted forever, would we appreciate how precious they are?” – Hobbes

41. “You’re lucky that girls don’t have to put up with this nonsense. If a girl doesn’t want to play sports, that’s fine! But if a guy doesn’t spend his afternoons chasing some stupid ball, he’s called a wimp! You girls have it easy!” – Calvin

42. “I suppose if people thought about real issues and needs instead of manufactured desires, the economy would collapse and we’d have total anarchy.” – Calvin’s Mom

43. “As far as I’m concerned, if something is so complicated that you can’t explain it in 10 seconds, then it’s probably not worth knowing anyway.” – Calvin

44. “Weekends don’t count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.” – Calvin

45. “Becoming an adult is probably the dumbest thing you can ever do!” – Calvin

46. “It’s not denial. I’m just selective about the reality I accept.” – Calvin

47. “I don’t think I’d have been in such a hurry to reach adulthood if I’d known the whole thing was going to be ad-libbed.” – Calvin

48. “Well, remember what you said, because, in a day or two, I’ll have a witty and blistering retort! You’ll be devastated then.” – Calvin

49. “You can’t just turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood.” – Calvin

50. “I think we dream so we don’t have to be apart so long. If we’re in each other’s dreams, we can play together all night.” – Calvin

51. “It’s only work if somebody makes you do it.” – Calvin

52. “To make a bad day worse, spend it wishing for the impossible.” – Calvin

53. “Why waste time learning, when ignorance is instantaneous?” – Hobbes

54. Calvin: “You know, sometimes, the world seems like a pretty mean place.”

Hobbes: “That’s why animals are so soft and huggy.”

55. “People always bend the rules if they think they can get away with it.” – Calvin

56. “You know how people are. They only recognize greatness when some authority confirms it.” – Calvin

57. “I find my life is a lot easier the lower I keep everyone’s expectations.” – Calvin

58. “Once it’s too late, you appreciate what a miracle life is.” – Calvin

59. “A day can really slip by when you’re deliberately avoiding what you’re supposed to do.” – Calvin

60. “Life’s disappointments are harder to take when you don’t know any swear words.” – Calvin

61. “What assurance do I have that this education is adequately preparing me for the 21st century? Am I getting the skills I’ll need to effectively compete in a tough, global economy? I want a high-paying job when I get out of here! I want opportunity!” – Calvin

62. “In my opinion, we don’t devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.” – Calvin

63. “Here’s an ad for a new gum called Hyperbubble. It says, ‘If you’re not chewing Hyperbubble, you might as well be chewing your cud.’ Ooh, great copy! Wow, am I cool enough to chew Hyperbubble? Maybe I’m not. Maybe if you chew Hyperbubble, you become cool! Or maybe if you chew it, everybody assumes you’re cool, so it doesn’t matter if you are or not. What do you think? Should I buy some?” – Calvin

64. “If ignorance is bliss, this lesson would appear to be a deliberate attempt on your part to deprive me of happiness, the pursuit of which is my unalienable right according to the Declaration of Independence. I, therefore, assert my patriotic prerogative not to know this material. I’ll be out on the playground.” – Calvin

65. “I’ve been reading about the beginning of the universe. They call it ‘The Big Bang.’ Isn’t it weird how scientists can imagine all the matter of the universe exploding out of a dot smaller than the head of a pin, but they can’t come up with a more evocative name for it than ‘The Big Bang?’ That’s the whole problem with science. You’ve got a bunch of empiricists trying to describe things of unimaginable wonder.” Calvin

66. “I don’t believe in ethics anymore. As far as I’m concerned, the ends justify the means. Get what you can while the getting’s good, that’s what I say! Might makes right! The winners write the history books! It’s a dog-eat-dog world, so I’ll do whatever I have to, and let others argue about whether it’s ‘right’ or not.” – Calvin

67. “I’m not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.” – Calvin

68. “Fifteen people in line and the teller goes on break without a replacement. After I wait 10 minutes, they open a new line for all the people behind me who have waited 2 minutes. I’m waiting to pay, and the cashier puts me on hold instead of the person on the telephone.” – Calvin’s Mom

69. “You never know how long you’ve got! You could step into the road tomorrow and wham―you get hit by a truck! Then you’d be sorry you put off your pleasures!” – Calvin

70. “Would you welcome in a dog that wasn’t house-trained?” – Hobbes

71. “I like maxims that don’t encourage behavior modification.” – Calvin

72. “Dad, are you vicariously living through me in the hope that my accomplishments will validate your mediocre life and in some way compensate for all of the opportunities you botched?” – Calvin

73. “Maybe that’s why it’s hard to tell if we’re living in a tragedy or a farce.” – Hobbes

74. “I say, if your knees aren’t green by the end of the day, you ought to seriously re-examine your life.” – Calvin

75. “Why do I get the feeling society is trying to make us feel discontented with everything we do and insecure about who we are?” – Calvin’s Dad

76. Calvin: “I don’t want to learn this! It’s completely irrelevant to my life!”

Calvin’s Dad: “This isn’t irrelevant. Everyone needs to know this.”

Calvin: “I don’t! I can get along fine without math!”

77. “You know, school wouldn’t be so bad if you didn’t have to go every day and if you didn’t have to learn anything―and if you took away all the teachers and all the other kids. If it was completely different, school would be great.” – Calvin

78. “It must be awful to be a girl. I’m sure it’s frustrating knowing that men are bigger, stronger, and better at abstract thought than women. Really, if you’re a girl, what would make you go on living?” – Calvin

79. “This is where dad buried the little raccoon. I didn’t even know he existed a few days ago, and now he’s gone forever. It’s like I met him for no reason. I had to say goodbye as soon as I said hello. Still, in a sad, awful, terrible way, I’m happy I met him. What a stupid world.” – Calvin

80. “I won’t eat any cereal that doesn’t turn the milk purple.” – Calvin

81. “Somewhere in communist Russia, I’ll bet there’s a little boy who has never known anything but censorship and oppression. But maybe he’s heard about America, and he dreams of living in this land of freedom and opportunity! Someday, I’d like to meet that little boy and tell him the awful truth about this place!” – Calvin

82. “Don’t like us? What’s not to like? There’s nothing wrong with humans! Hey, you Martian! Come on out! We’re not bad! We just came here because people polluted our own planet so much that―uh―what I mean is―um―so what are you saying? That our reputation preceded us?” – Calvin

83. “As the wage earner here, it’s your responsibility to show some consumer confidence and start buying things that will get the economy going and create profits and employment. Here’s a list of big-ticket items I’d like for Christmas. I hope I can trust you to do what’s right for our country.” – Calvin

84. “Yep. It’s our patriotic duty to buy distractions from a simple life.” – Cavin’s Mom

85. “Popular culture isn’t to blame for selling twisted values. Movies, records, and TV shows reflect the reality of our times. Artists depict hatred and violence because that’s what they see.” – Calvin

86. “We need more special effects and dance numbers.” – Calvin

87. “On the other hand, boys aren’t expected to spend their lives 20 pounds underweight.” – Susie

88. “The way Calvin’s brain is wired you can almost hear the fuses blowing.”– Susie

89. “Ugh, there are times when I hate owning a house. All the maintenance! The walls need painting, the roof needs to be fixed, the tree out back needs to be sprayed. It seems like the whole place is falling apart. And what isn’t falling apart is being actively destroyed!” – Calvin’s Mom

90. “See, on the front it says, ‘Get well soon,’ and on the inside, it says, ‘Because my bed isn’t made, my clothes need to be put away and I’m hungry. Love, Calvin.’ Want to sign it?” – Calvin

91. “I didn’t have a choice. I mooned the whole class.” – Calvin

92. “Oh yeah? What do you want to be when you grow up? Every job requires some math.” Calvin’s Dad

93. “I am not presently at liberty to divulge that information, as it might compromise our agents in the field.” – Calvin

94. Hobbes: “It says here that by the age of six, most children have seen a million murders on television.”

Calvin: “I find that very disturbing! It means I’ve been watching all the wrong channels.”

95. “Miss Wormwood, I’m not going to learn this material unless you make it enthralling.” – Calvin

96. Caller: “May I speak with your father, please?”

Calvin: “Heck, you don’t need my permission! Be my guest! What a weirdo.”

97. “Omigosh! This library book was due two days ago! What will they do? Are they going to interrogate me and beat me up? Are they going to break my knees? Will I have to sign some confession?” – Calvin

98. Calvin: “I’m a misunderstood genius.”

Hobbes: “What’s misunderstood?”

Calvin: “Nobody thinks I’m a genius.”

99. Calvin’s Dad: “If I were, you can bet I’d be re-evaluating my strategy.”

Calvin: “Mom, Dad keeps insulting me.”

100. “You misspelled ‘Weltanschauung.’” – Hobbes

101. “So, your teacher didn’t know you’d ripped your pants, and she made you do a problem at the chalkboard?” – Hobbes

102. “So pitching this junk would make me some kind of terrorist, huh?” – Calvin’s Dad

103. “I suppose if I had two X chromosomes, I’d feel hostile too.” – Calvin

104. “I just figured that teachers slept inside coffins over the summer.” – Calvin

Sarcastic Calvin and Hobbes Quotes

105. “That’s the problem I’m trying to fix, you moron! I can’t turn the water off because the faucet leaks! Sheesh, where were you when they were passing out brains?” – Calvin

106. Calvin: “I’m writing my autobiography.”

Hobbes: “But you’re just six years old.”

Calvin: “I’ve only got one sheet of paper.”

107. “The way some of those librarians look at you, I naturally assumed the consequences would be more dire.” – Calvin

108. “If it were up to Dad, leisure would be as bad as work.” – Calvin

109. “I dunno. Isn’t this a religious holiday?” – Hobbes

110. Calvin: “I wonder if you can refuse to inherit the world.”

Hobbes: “I think if you’re born, it’s too late.”

111. “I can’t tell if that’s funny or really scary.” – Calvin

112. “Calvin, be quiet and eat the stupid lima beans.” – Calvin’s Dad

113. Cashier: “Have a nice day.”

Calvin’s Mom: “Too late.”

114. “The secret to enjoying your job is to have a hobby that’s even worse.” – Calvin’s Dad

115. “I didn’t mean for everyone, you dolt! Just me!” – Calvin

116. Hobbes: “You’re going to fix it?”

Calvin: “That’s what I said and you can keep your comments to yourself, Dr. Doom.”

117. “What, you think I’ll live someplace that doesn’t get cable?” – Calvin

118. “I’ve got to stop leaving the Wall Street Journal around.” – Calvin’s Dad

119. “Well, I sure didn’t buy it for the music.” – Calvin

120. “People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don’t realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.” – Calvin

121. “I’ll bet future civilizations find out more about us than we’d like them to know.” – Calvin

122. “The problem about the future is that it keeps turning into the present.” – Calvin

123. “Never argue with a six-year-old who shaves.” – Calvin

124. “Virtue needs some cheaper thrills.” – Hobbes

125. “What fun is it being ‘cool’ if you can’t wear a sombrero?” – Hobbes

126. “What horrors we visit upon ourselves in the name of science.” – Hobbes

127. “It used to be that if a client wanted something done in a week, it was considered a rush job, and he’d be lucky to get it. Now, with modems, faxes, and car phones, everybody wants everything instantly! Improved technology just increases expectations. These machines don’t make life easier—they make life more harassed.” – Calvin’s Dad

128. “There would be more civility in this world if people didn’t take it as an invitation to walk on you.” – Calvin’s Mom

129. “Unless you’re a star, you can’t please anyone.” – Calvin

130. Hobbes: “Why don’t they see things of beauty and value?”

Calvin: “Because boring stuff doesn’t sell.”

131. “This whole Santa Claus thing just doesn’t make sense. Why all the secrecy? Why all the mystery? If the guy exists, why doesn’t he ever show himself and prove it? And if he doesn’t exist, what’s the meaning of all this?” – Calvin

132. “I’m thinking of starting my own talk radio show. I’ll spout simplistic opinions for hours on end, ridicule anyone who disagrees with me, and generally foster divisiveness, cynicism, and a lower level of public dialogue!” – Calvin

133. “Never criticize a guy with a razor.” – Calvin

134. “It’s hard to argue with someone who looks so happy.” – Calvin

135. “I got the new album by Scrambled Debutante. All their songs glorify violence, mindless sex, and the deliberate use of dangerous drugs!” – Calvin

136. “You know what’s weird? Day by day, nothing seems to change, but pretty soon, everything’s different.” – Calvin

137. “For the next 60 seconds, I will conduct a test of my emergency broadcast equipment. Aaaaaaaghhhhh! Had this been a real emergency, the scream you just heard would have been followed by lots more just like it.” – Calvin

138. Calvin: “I’ve been thinking, Hobbes.”

Hobbes: “On a weekend?” 

Calvin: “Well, it wasn’t on purpose.”

139. “I wish I had more friends, but people are such jerks. If you can just get most people to leave you alone, you’re doing good. If you can find even one person you really like, you’re lucky. And if that person can also stand you, you’re really lucky.” – Calvin

140. “It’s either mean or it’s arbitrary, and either way I’ve got the heebie-jeebies.” – Calvin

141. “There’s never enough time to do all the nothing you want.” – Calvin

142. “It’s a magical world, Hobbes, ol’ buddy! Let’s go exploring!” – Calvin

143. “If people sat outside and looked at the stars each night, I’ll bet they’d live a lot differently.” – Calvin

144. “Everybody I know fails the acid test of friendship.” – Cavin

145. “Our lives are filled with machines designed to reduce work and increase leisure. We have more leisure than any man has ever had. And what do we do with this leisure? Educate ourselves? Take up new interests? Explore? Invent? Create?” – Calvin’s Dad

146. “I wonder what people knew before there were magazine quizzes.” – Hobbes

147. “The best presents don’t come in boxes.” – Hobbes

148. “Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said, ‘I think I’ll drink whatever comes out of these when I squeeze ’em?’” – Calvin

149. “When birds burp, it must taste like bugs.” – Hobbes

150. “It’s psychosomatic. You need a lobotomy. I’ll get a saw.” – Doctor

151. “The problem with people is that they’re only human.” – Hobbes

152. “Idiocy is the essence of the male mind.” – Susie

153. “If people could put rainbows in zoos, they’d do it.” – Hobbes

154. “History is the fiction we invent to persuade ourselves that events are knowable and that life has order and direction.” – Calvin

155. “People pay more attention when they think you’re up to something.” – Bill Watterson, Author

156. “It’s hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.” – Bill Watterson, Author

157. “If you can’t control your peanut butter, you can’t expect to control your life.” – Bill Watterson, Author

158. “To invent your own life’s meaning is not easy, but it’s still allowed, and I think you’ll be happier for the trouble.” – Bill Watterson, Author

159. “When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.” – Bill Watterson, Author

160. “People who get nostalgic about childhood were obviously never children.” – Bill Waterson, Author

161. “Things are never quite as scary when you’ve got a best friend.”– Bill Watterson, Author

162. “Every time I’ve built character, I’ve regretted it.” – Bill Watterson, Author

163. “We all have different desires and needs, but if we don’t discover what we want from ourselves and what we stand for, we will live passively and unfulfilled.” – Bill Waterson, Author

164. “I’m related to people I don’t relate to.” – Bill Watterson, Author

165. “For no reason I can think of, I’ve wandered far astray. And that is how I got to where I find myself today.” – Bill Watterson, Author

166. “Sometimes, when I’m talking, my words can’t keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak. Probably so we can think twice.” – Bill Watterson, Author

167. “Your preparation for the real world is not in the answers you’ve learned, but in the questions, you’ve learned how to ask yourself.” – Bill Watterson, Author

168. “At school, new ideas are thrust at you every day. Out in the world, you’ll have to find your inner motivation to seek for new ideas on your own.” – Bill Watterson, Author

169. “Mothers are the necessity of invention.” – Bill Watterson, Author

170. “I go to school, but I never learn what I want to know.” – Bill Watterson, Author

171. “It’s going to be a grim day when the world is run by a generation that doesn’t know anything but what it’s seen on TV.” – Bill Watterson, Author

172. “I’m learning skills I will use for the rest of my life by doing homework―procrastinating and negotiation.” – Bill Waterson, Author

173. “It’s surprising how hard we’ll work when the work is done just for ourselves.” – Bill Watterson, Author

174. “God put me on earth to accomplish certain things. Right now, I’m so far behind, I’ll never die.” – Bill Watterson, Author

175. “I have all these great genes, but they’re recessive. That’s the problem here.” – Bill Waterson, Author

176. “I hope some historian will confirm that I was the first cartoonist to use the word ‘booger’ in a newspaper comic strip.” – Bill Watterson, Author

177. “But for my own example, I’d never believe one little kid could have so much brains!” – Bill Watterson, Author

178. “Scientific progress goes boink?” – Bill Waterson, Author

179. “Good friends are hard to come by. I need more money.” – Bill Watterson, Author


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