1. “Now you might feel a little pressure.” – Major Payne
2. “Maybe not, but I can clean out your colon faster than one of those burritos with extra guacamole sauce!” – Major Payne
3. “Got no worries, got no stress.” – Major Payne
4. “I see what we have here is a failure to communicate. Do not attempt to valid my authority! I have eight weeks to turn you gaggling maggots into a well-disciplined unit. From this day forward, your sorry asses belong to me. You will not eat, sleep, drink, blow your nose, or dig in your butts without my say so. Know this—killing is my business, ladies, and business is good!” – Major Payne
5. “I never said family don’t break up. Don’t you watch Oprah?” – Major Payne
6. “Because he’s six? Woman, when I was six years old I had a full time job.” – Major Payne
7. “From now on, my little group of shaved scrotum sacks, you will walk like me, talk like me, eat like me, and until you win those games, you will be bald like me.” – Major Payne
8. “Major Payne just terminated that bad man with extreme prejudice!” – Cadet Kevin Dunn
9. “One! Don’t you feel dumb. Two! Look at you. Three! Don’t you ever make jokes about me behind my back, or else I’ll stomp you into the ground.” – Major Payne
10. “Maybe, what he needs is for you to pop your titty out his mouth, and let the boy grow up.” – Major Payne
11. “Don’t push the ‘maybes,’ baby.” – Major Payne
12. “Boy, I am two seconds from being on you, like white on rice in a glass of milk, on a paper plate in a snowstorm. I’m gonna put my foot so far up your ass, the water on my knee will quench your thirst.” – Major Payne
13. “From my heart, left ventricle; took it out myself with a field knife.” – Major Payne
14. “General, are you telling me that nowhere in the military is there any longer a job for trained human weapons of destruction such as myself? Surely there must be somebody left who needs some killing, or some killing done for them.” – Major Payne
15. “I don’t like it. It makes me feel all funny.” – Major Payne
16. “I’m just a bald headed son of a bitch without hair.” – Major Payne
17. “Major Payne’s a major pimp.” – Major Payne
18. “He’s trying to show you some affection.” – Emily Walburn
19. “He in there? If he’s still in there, he ain’t happy!” – Major Payne
20. “Sorry, Major. There’s nobody left. You’ve killed them all.” – General Decker
21. “You’d better give up, señor. You cannot kill us all!” – Drug Lord
22. “A bullet. It’s somethin’ special. It’s from my heart.” – Major Payne
23. “Want me to show you a little trick to take your mind off that arm?” – Major Payne
24. “He makes us squat when we piss.” – Major Payne
25. “Let me tell you something ass-eyes. Let me tell you all something. War has made me very paranoid! And when you get to eye-balling me, makes my Agent Orange act up, makes me want to kill!” – Major Payne
26. “I didn’t stutter, I said pop-your-titty-out-his-mouth and stop babying him.” – Major Payne
27. “I tell ya, ladies, you’re the prettiest cadets under my command. I oughta change my name to Pimp Daddy Payne.” – Major Payne
28. “You’re still a shit sandwich. You’re just not a soggy one. From this moment, you are no longer turds. You have graduated to maggots!” – Major Payne
29. “You hold it, or else I’ll break it off, and kick it around on the ground!” – Major Payne
30. “Who’s the person that got me this blood on this lip? Who’s responsible? Don’t all run at once. Maybe no one’s responsible. I just had it comin’!” – Major Payne
31. “And I call you an insecure, overbearing, psychopathic, edictorial, egomaniacal, frigid lunatic asshole!” – Emily Walburn
32. “What about family, and unity, and all that other bullshit you said?” – Cadet Alex Stone
33. “You nasty little worm. Go change your huggies, boy!” – Major Payne
34. “What’s your damage, muscle head? You stupid? You ignorant or are you just plain old deaf?” – Major Payne
35. “You eye me one more time, I’ll snatch it out and put it in Heathcoat’s cookie bag!” – Major Payne
36. “I’m sorry Mr. Handicapped Man. Do you understand sign language? Can you read lips? Well, if you don’t answer me when I speak to you, I’m gonna put my foot in your ass, is that clear dummy?” – Major Payne
37. “What the hell was that, you little freckle face cartoon? Did I give you permission to sneeze, Opie?” – Major Payne
38. “Let me tell you something, I am not your damn brother!” – Major Payne
39. “Then you hold it before I kick your ass back to Mayberry.” – Major Payne
40. “Let’s move it, you turds. You’ll get no sympathy from me. You want sympathy, look in the dictionary between shit and syphilis. That’s where you’ll find my sympathy. This ain’t no walk in the park, let’s go. Hustle, hustle, hustle.” – Major Payne
41. “That’s not enough. Look at them, these animals are so pathetic that even their own commander didn’t even show up.” – Lieutenant
42. “‘Slippery,’ he says. You think Charlie cares anything about slippery? The only thing he knows is to slit your throat. What if this were a life-or-death situation?” – Major Payne
43. “Any man that’d leave you outta be monkey-stomped and have his brains mailed back to his mother.” – Major Payne
44. “What are you laughing at, pig-boy? You find a piece of candy in your pocket? What’s your name, son?” – Major Payne
45. “You look like the Pillsbury Dough-boy. If I poke your stomach, will it make you laugh? We’re gonna have to make some room for your lunch, Bacon-boy. Get down there and give me 25 crunches, and count them out.” – Major Payne
46. “Major Payne reporting for duty, Sir!” – Major Payne
47. “You’re in charge of the green boys.” – Dr. Phillips
48. “Be advised, ladies. We are going to win the Virginia Military Games this year! You will note my emphasis on the word WIN: Whisky! India! November! Get used to the sound of that word!” – Major Payne
49. “Fighting is no longer being done out on the battlefields. Now, all the blood is shed in the halls of Congress, boys like us are becoming dinosaurs.” – Major Payne
50. “General, are you telling me that in this man’s military, is there no room for trained weapon of destruction?” – Major Payne
51. “Listen, I’ve made some calls and I have an assignment for you. It’s not great, you understand, but it gets you back in the military.” – General Decker
52. “The promotion board report came out last week. This is the new Lieutenant Colonel list, your name’s not on it. You get two chances to advance, then we have to show you the hatch. Basic man is cutting you discharge orders right now.” – General Decker
53. “Got no worries, got no care.” – Major Payne
54. “Come on, he can’t do this, leave him alone. I can barely do it. It’s slippery out here.” – Cadet Alex Stone
55. “Cadets, I’m pleased to announce the top two rated squads that will compete for first and second place in the Parade Drill Competition—Wellington Academy and Madison Academy.” – Colonel Braggart
56. “Major Payne, what are you doing here? I was told you were away on an important assignment.” – Colonel Braggart
57. “Lieutenant, I can only disqualify the cadet who started the disturbance.” – Colonel Braggart
58. “This is unsatisfactory. I demand the entire Madison Squad be disqualified from the final competition.” – Colonel Stone
59. “You hit that boy again, I’m gonna do more than salute you.” – Major Payne
60. “Nobody’s leaving here until you turds get this course down to 80 seconds.” – Major Payne
61. “I don’t call it babying, I call it nurturing.” – Emily Walburn
62. “I ain’t frigid.” – Major Payne
63. “Major Payne’s a major diss.” – Major Payne
64. “Because we feel good in a dress.” – Major Payne
65. “The ABC’s of being a positive male role model?” – Major Payne
66. “Payne’s not here, he’s in our ass!” – Cadet Williams
67. “Break it on down! Break it on down!” – Cadet Williams
68. “Butt’s so tight, he can’t pass gas!” – Cadet Williams
69. “Fe-Fi-Fo-Fum. What beanstalk you fall from?” – Major Payne
70. “Let’s go, let’s go, giddyup, let’s ride!” – Cadet Dotson
71. “One, tubby, tubby! Two, tubby, tubby!” – Major Payne
72. “Ain’t no need for name-calling!” – Major Payne
73. “Because you are the one with the biggest tits!” – Cadet Alex Stone
74. “The green boys, they wear those green things. You know what’s funny? When they stand in front of the bushes, I can’t see them!” – Dr. Phillips
75. “Major! What are the boys doing in those dresses?” – Emily Walburn
76. “That’s a very cynical plan.” – Emily Walburn
77. “Excuse me, what did you say?” – Emily Walburn
78. “Why do I have to wear the dress?” – Cadet Heathcoat
79. “You hold it, turd!” – Major Payne
80. “Well, maybe that’s because he’s six.” – Emily Walburn
81. “And I call it neutering.” – Major Payne
82. “Works every time.” – Major Payne
83. “You like the way I handled them white folks back there?” – Major Payne
84. “What happened to knocking first, Dotson?” – Cadet Alex Stone
85. “Maybe I like you a lot.” – Major Payne
86. “Oh, thank you. Now drop down and give me 25 more for speaking out of line!” – Major Payne
87. “You like to rhyme, boy?” – Major Payne
88. “They’re putting on a fashion show.” – Major Payne
89. “Used to be Samson, now I’m Ann.” – Major Payne
90. “Who’s the dummy now?” – Major Payne
91. “What happened? You terminate his command?” – Major Payne
92. “At ease, Payne. Relax. Do you know why you’re here?” – General Decker
93. “No, actually, he left. I wanted children, he didn’t.” – Emily Walburn
94. “Payne, what happened? You’ve only been out one week.” – General Decker
95. “I thought we had a little talk about this kind of negative reinforcement.” – Emily Walburn
96. “It’s civilian life, Sir. I had a minor setback.” – Major Payne
97. “Here, I got something for you.” – Major Payne
98. “Got to earn my right to be called a man.” – Major Payne
99. “They may not like me, but they will respect me.” – Major Payne
100. “Here. I want you to read this book. Read it. Apply it.” – Emily Walburn
101. “Major Payne, can you please help me to understand why you shaved the children bald?” – Emily Walburn
102. “Most blood is now shed in the halls of Congress, Payne. Guys like us are becoming dinosaurs.” – General Decker
103. “He’s a little upset about this morning. Apparently, he had a little accident.” – Emily Walburn
104. “Do you really think this is the best way to gain the respect and admiration of these young men?” – Emily Walburn
105. “I’m surprised, you ain’t dropped ’bout 12 puppies by now. Ain’t you never been married?” – Major Payne
106. “What, boy? What? What? What?” – Major Payne
107. “Their pantyhose is falling down.” – Student
108. “My finger, my finger!” – Marine Private
109. “Major Payne! I have to go to the bathroom.” – Cadet Kevin Dunn
110. “Oh, that’s my little incentive program. These boys have to earn their do—their hair-do that is.” – Major Payne
111. “Ahhhh! My arm, my arm!” – Marine Private
112. “Well, that’s all this is. Now, you better run on up to your room before that man jump out the closet and chop your little head off!” – Major Payne
113. “Chooga chooga chooga chooga, chooga chooga chooga chooga, toot toot!” – Major Payne
114. “Yo, Dumbo. You should be able to fly through those tubes with them big-ass ears, boy.” – Major Payne
115. “Williams, you tell Marlee Matlin’s son to get across that rope before I hang him with it.” – Major Payne
116. “Aw, phooey! Don’t you ever read any of those stories about little people who do big things? Little Red Riding Hood! The Three Little Pigs! Spike Lee! The Little Rascals! How about the Little Engine That Could!” – Major Payne
117. “To be continued. When I come back, I’ll tell you what Bubba used as a penis!” – Major Payne
118. “What do you want, Mr. Pee-Body?” – Major Payne
119. “Hello cue balls! Welcome to the house of Payne!” – Major Payne
120. “Heathcoat, get your side-of-pork booty over that wall.” – Major Payne
121. “I guess I just had that one a coming. Well, you know what y’all got a comin’? 723 hour days of fun and adventure. I’m gonna make you boys strong!” – Major Payne
122. “What could be more important than having my boys winning this here competition? I suggest we get this party started. Is that okay with you Colonel?” – Major Payne
123. “A squad that lives together, wins together! Unity, turds—that is the key word in ‘UNIT,’ without the ‘Y!’” – Major Payne
124. “One, two, three, four—I love the Marine Corps.” – Major Payne
125. “Come on, guys. Relax, it’s just a dummy grenade.” – Cadet Alex Stone
126. “You know, there ain’t no pets allowed on this premises, Mr. Ace Ventura.” – Major Payne
127. “Negative. I figure if the Marines wanted me to have a wife, they would’ve issued me one.” – Major Payne
128. “That’s just it. This isn’t a life-or-death situation.” – Cadet Alex Stone
129. “Well, thank you, Benson. How about you? Was there ever a Ms. Payne?” – Emily Walburn
130. “My name is Major Benson Winifred Payne! As of 0800, I am replacing Major Frankfurt as your commanding officer!” – Major Payne
131. “Let me be more direct—they hate you.” – Emily Walburn
132. “Hello, little fella. What you had was a nightmare. You know what a nightmare is?” – Major Payne
133. “Yeah, well at least it won’t backfire. Besides, they started it.” – Major Payne
134. “Apparently, he pissed all over the front of his pants.” – Major Payne
135. “They won’t let me go on a ‘Black Op,’ because I’m too little, and nobody ever lets you do anything when you’re little.” – Cadet Kevin Dunn
136. “You like a black man to handle things?” – Major Payne
137. “Shut up over there.” – Major Payne
138. “Actually, Sir, he is deaf.” – Cadet Wuliger
139. “Really? Well, where did you get it?” – Emily Walburn
