2. “I’m not gonna get sick. No germ can live in a body that is 65% beer.”

3. “You’re a real sandwich lady, and I wanna scream your name across the ocean.”

4. “We can’t break up if I don’t hear you. No! La, la, la, la.”

5. “I’ve never been an inspiration before. I don’t like this much responsibility.”

6. “If we needed to talk about feelings, they would be called ‘talkings.’”

7. “Do I regret it? Yes. Would I do it again? Probably.”

8. “I like getting older. I feel like I’m finally aging into my personality.”

9. “You can go to my funeral but you can’t talk. My funeral is my time to shine.” 

10. “You treat an outside wound with rubbing alcohol. You treat an inside wound by drinking alcohol.”

11. “I don’t deal with exes. They’re part of the past. You burn them swiftly and give their ashes to Poseidon.”

12. “I’d give you a hug, but my shirt smells pretty weird today.”

13. “Writing class is for somebody who doesn’t think lyrically in terms of, like poetic words that are just strung.”

14. “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? No, a summer’s day is not a bitch!”

15. “I moved to Los Angeles to get closer to whales so I could record them.”

16. “Sandwiches and sex? I want that!”

17. “First order of business—we eat their food.”

18. “I once had a bass teacher when I was younger who did the standing bass. He had a very weird smell, and I still think about it.”

19. “Fantasy and nightmare colliding.”

20. “I know this isn’t gonna end well, but the middle part is gonna be awesome.”

21. “Turning lemonade into lemons since 1981.”

22. “I am not a successful adult. I don’t eat vegetables and or take care of myself.”

23. “You can’t just say ‘butt drinking’ and then not explain what that is. That is two of my four favorite things.”

24. “I refuse to pay for the weefee.”

25. “I’m not convinced I know how to read, I’ve just memorized a lot of words.”

26. “Pink robes are my catnip.”

27. “The sky’s too fickle. It’s a play-place for butterflies.”

28. “I will push if I want to push.”

29. “When I work out, which isn’t often, I listen to Huey Lewis because it pumps me up.”

30. “Sometimes, up close, art is ugly.”

31. “I’m just telling her what kind of cake to bake me, son.”

32. “Look, we’re not trying to be mean. We just don’t want you to be yourself in any way.”

33. “I don’t know if Hogwarts is near San Diego. I’ve never heard of it.”

34. “I can’t believe I’m the sober one. That’s actually never happened before in my life.”

35. “Men of means.”

36. “You got hurt by a hog man!”

37. “Absolutely not. No! I don’t trust fish. They breathe water. That’s crazy.”

38. “I only wanna make a drink a coal miner would want. Straight forward. Honest. Something that says, ‘I work in a hole.’”

39. “I want to go in my room and do weird stuff on my computer.”

40. “Is calling a girl ‘Shorty’ still cool?”

41. “It’s a weird life, but it’s where I’m at right now.”

42. “I really like when a rap song uses a choir. It makes me feel really happy with all those ladies’ voices coming and then the guy’s rapping. I think it’s awesome.”

43. “Look at those horny horny hippos.” 

44. “Writers don’t read. We write.”

45. “I like your hat. I like how it’s not a team or a logo—it’s just blue.”

46. “What is money anyway? It’s just paper that some king on a mountain said was worth something. Gold, I understand, it’s shiny.”

47. “What does a man do about that pain?”

48. “I’m very focused. I thought I saw something shiny.”

49. “I don’t believe dinosaurs existed. I’ve seen the science. I don’t believe it.”

50. “It’s not sex until you put the straw in the coconut.”

51. “It smells like leather, and Teddy Roosevelt, and wistfulness.”

52. “I have decided to give up on women and put all of that energy into tomatoes.”

53. “Drinking to forget? That’s my sweet spot!”

54. “I’ve done things. I wrote half a book about zombies!”

55. “A bank is just a paper bag but with fancier walls.”

56. “Do you know what sucks about getting older? Your friends have known you way too long, they got too much on you. I want to have friends who still lie to me because they don’t want to hurt my feelings. I sadly kind of mean that.”

57. “No part of this conversation is making me wanna boil over with rage.”

58. “I don’t know what ‘mazel tov’ means, but it doesn’t sound good.”

59. “If I can’t have a kid with a woman, then maybe I’ll have one with my cousin.”

60. “When did one-on-one sex become old fashioned?”

61. “That’s more like dork magic.”

62. “I like chipmunks more than squirrels.”

63. “You have no standing to veto, it’s my sperm.”

64. “If you were a hat, you’d be a top hat. But like a really big Monopoly one. And I say that with deepest compliments.”

65. “I’ve got two perfectly good forks at the end of my arms.”

66. “I’m a business guy first and a sex guy second.”

67. “They’re just boobs!”

68. “You son of a bitch, I love you!”

69. “I am the stupidest of all the stupid boys.”

70. “Just be yourself, and if he’s not into Jessica Day, there’s something wrong with him.”

71. “Everybody has been flashed countless times, right?”

72. “Sucks for me!”

73. “I’m like a mailman, but instead of mail, it’s hot sex that I deliver.”

74. “Men don’t talk to people they’ve dated unless they want sex, or they’re Winston.”

75. “I bought 10,000 minutes in 1999 and I’m still using them.”

76. “I mean, I’m not doing squats or anything. I’m trying to eat less doughnuts.” 

77. “That explains why they’re so sticky. Sticky Nicky eats anything and I don’t get sick.”

78. “When I first grew boobs, people started handing me stuff and I got messy, but then you gotta grow up.”

79. “I found an ant farm filled with candy wrappers, is this essential?”

80. “DeeDee? That’s not a name.”

81. “Everything you just said makes me want to give you a wedgie in front of the others.”

82. “You’re a freaking gold digger, Jess!”

83. “Or is it the most traditional career? Or am I thinking of prostitution?”

84. “You’re a terrible person. It’s hilarious.”

85. “I once saw a zebra named Gavin give birth at the zoo, and I cried hysterically.”

86. “I feel like you’re not meaning to say what you’re saying.”

87. “I knew that French was gonna haunt me.”

88. “There is something serious I have to tell you about the future. The name of my first-born child needs to be Reginald VelJohnson—I lost a bet to Schmidt.”

89. “My arms are so sore from doing so many push-ups.”

90. “Life sucks. Then it gets better. Then it sucks again.”

91. “Twenty-year-old girls! They’re awesome! They don’t know what ‘saved by the bell’ is, and they’ve never felt pain!”

92. “It’s not gonna end well for these two.”

93. “Not true. Everything has meaning. Everything is connected to something else.”

94. “Ever since I’ve known you, you’ve been there. Okay. You’re always there. Even when I don’t want you there, you’re there. That’s what a husband does. You fight for me. That’s what a husband does. You care about what I eat. That’s what a husband does. You’ve cooked for me even when I don’t ask. That’s what a husband does. When I pass out you comb my hair so there’s no knots in it. That’s what a husband does. So guess what? You’re gonna be a great husband to Cece ’cause you’re a great husband to me.”

95. “I should have known those beets weren’t from nature. Nothing purple comes from nature.”

96. “I fell in love with Jess the minute she walked through the door.”

97. “She is sleeping. By herself. Which is called napping.”

98. “Why lie? You know how many Millers have been or currently are in jail?”

99. “Twenty pages. And they’re all good! Some of them are good. Five pages are good. I really like the title.”

100. “I need to eat my way out of a sandwich house.”

101. “I want magic—is that so bad?”

102. “I’m gonna grab some old underpants and put a pair into the freezer for each of you.”

103. “Make up an excuse and get out of jury duty. Jess, please, I need you.”

104. “That’s hot to me. You add some sweatpants to that and that is better than porn.”

105. “I put on my special underwear because Jess is back because I made a promise I’d be wearing these when you came back.”

106. “I hate doors!”

107. “No, we’re adult men. We’re cute.”

108. “Trust me, I’m wearing frozen underpants right now and I feel amazing.”

109. “I’m perfectly fine to watch TV all day.”

110. “I’m a very good secretary.”

111. “On a plus side, I’m being very witty during this fight.”

112. “I don’t want a refund on my cruise and I don’t want a refund on you!”

113. “I’m your best friend. I was there for you when you fell off the deck at Chester’s graduation, and I’m here for you now. There’s nothing you could say that I’d get mad at.”

114. “You’re a whiskey girl, like me.”

115. “You’re a big girl, you can watch Walking Dead alone.”

116. “She’s got that giant heart that’s part compass and part flashlight and she’s just the greatest person I have ever met.” 

117. “Of course we make decisions. How do you think I’m wearing clothes right now?”

118. “Adele’s amazing.”

119. “Leprechauns are real.”

120. “Well get ready for the skin circus you little peanut.”

121. “Where are you, Schmidt? This place is fancy, and I don’t know which fork to kill myself with.”

122. “Stop being so mean to me or I swear to God I’m gonna fall in love with you.”

123. “Nothing is ever truly broken.”

124. “If you died, I’d be lost!”

125. “I’m not putting on the kimono. It legitimizes you owning it.”

126. “Hey! If I cooked up a whole , would you guys have some?”

127. “I once tried on my girl cousin’s wool tights and I didn’t hate how it felt.”

128. “You’re allowed to be happy, but it’s really annoying the way you’re doing it.”

129. “Oh, hey, ladies, you guys want to see a grown man cry?”

130. “I look very handsome. I look like I’m on Miami Vice.”

131. “It’s like a plant. It needs sun and air.”

132. “Sponges make me feel exhilarated.”

133. “The eyeball fell off, that’s how you know it’s good!”

134. “Looks like a puppet, like something an Italian whittled.”

135. “Guys, please let me hate myself and everything that I have created.”

136. “It’s not a perfect system Jess, but it’s mine okay? And it’s private.”

137. “I’m pretty sure I’m having a heart attack, and I haven’t arranged for anyone to clear my browser history. I wasn’t building a bomb, I was just curious.”

138. “I am not watching a kid get circumcised.”

139. “When you put it like that, it sounds amazing and like prison.”

140. “Oh, this is terrible—she’s quoting Scripture, but using a ton of cuss words.”

141. “It’s tiles. I’m so bad at lying! It’s for sex!”

142. “I stole that from . I added the part about the Penguin and the Riddler.”

143. “Cece, I’m sorry, but when I stand up, you’re gonna see my penis, and when I walk out, you’re gonna see my butt.”

144. “No, I don’t dance. I’m from the town of Footloose.”

145. “Are we ever gonna get to the point where you stop working on me? Or instead of changing me, maybe once Jess, see it my way.”

146. “Just drive the car. I gotta tell my girlfriend that I don’t love her so she doesn’t leave me.”

147. “I believe horses are from outer space.”

148. “That’s the only thing in the world I know to be true.”

149. “She’s not quirky. She has no bangs.”


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here