Check the full list below!

And make sure to read these and .

1. “I try to be available for life to happen to me. We’re in this life, and if you’re not available, the sort of ordinary time goes past and you didn’t live it. But if you’re available, life gets huge. You’re really living it.”

2. “It’s hard to be an artist. It’s hard to be anything. It’s hard to be.”

3. “The more relaxed you are, the better you are. That’s sort of why I got into acting. I realized the more fun I had, the better I did it. And I thought, that’s a job I could be proud of. It’s changed my life learning that, and it’s made me better at what I do.”

4. “This is not a dress rehearsal; this is your life.”

5. “People are like music. Some speak the truth, and others are just noise.”

6. “You can handle just about anything that comes at us out on the road with a believable grin, common sense, and whiskey.”

7. “Life is so damn short. For fuck’s sake, just do what makes you happy.”

8. “The secret is to have a sense of yourself, your real self, your unique self. And not just once in a while, or once a day, but all through the day, the week, and life.”

9. “I think we’re all sort of imprisoned by, or at least bound to, the choices we make. You want to say ‘no’ at the right time and you want to say ‘yes’ more sparingly.”

10. “Common sense is like deodorant, the people who need it most never use it.”

11. “Disneyland—the world’s biggest people trap, built by a mouse.”

12. “Just beat my record for most consecutive days without dying.”

13. “Melancholy is kind of sweet sometimes, I think. It’s not a negative thing. It’s not a mean thing. It’s just something that happens in life, like autumn.”

14. “People confuse friendship and relaxation. It’s incredibly important to be relaxed, you don’t have a chance if you’re not relaxed. So I try very hard to relax any kind of tension, but friendship is different.”

15. “Awards are meaningless to me, and I have nothing but disdain for anyone who actively campaigns to get one.”


16. “I’m a nut, but not just a nut.”

17. “I made a lot of mistakes and realized I had to let them go. Don’t think about your errors or failures, otherwise you’ll never do a thing.”

18. “The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.”

19. “You can tell how boring a person is by the lack of fear in their eyes when someone is flipping through photos on their phone.”

20. “Somewhere, there’s a score being kept, so you have an obligation to live life as well as you can, be as engaged as you can. The human condition means that we can zone out and forget what the hell we’re doing.”

21. “I think the midlife crisis is just a point where people’s careers have reached some plateau and they have to reflect on their personal relationships.”

22. “Well, it’s hard to be yourself, it’s the hardest job there is.”

23. “Well, the past is gone, I know that. The future isn’t here yet, whatever it’s going to be. So, all there is, is this. The present. That’s it.”

24. “We do need each other. It’s lonely to really effectively live your life, and anyone you can give help to, or get help from, that’s part of your obligation.”

25. “I don’t have a problem talking about my work, but I don’t make a habit of talking about myself.”

26. “I’m more of a person when I’m working on a movie than at any other time, because I actually have to really be there. I really gotta show up.”

27. “I take my chances on a job or a person as opposed to a situation. I don’t like to have a situation placed over my head.”

28. “People usually go through a bad period when they first get successful. You’re new and you’re hot and things go wrong.”

29. “Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood.”

30. “I always want to say to people who want to be rich and famous, ‘Try being rich first. See if that doesn’t cover most of it.’ There’s not much downside to being rich, other than paying taxes and having your relatives ask you for money. But when you become famous, you end up with a 24-hour job.”

31. “You gotta commit. You’ve gotta go out there and improvise and you’ve gotta be completely unafraid to die. You’ve got to be able to take a chance to die. And you have to die lots, you have to die all the time.”

32. “The last time doesn’t exist. It’s only this time, and everything is going to be different this time. There’s only now.”

33. “If you can consciously let yourself get taken and see where you go, that’s an exercise. That’s discipline. To follow the scent. Let yourself go and see what happens—that takes a bit of courage.”

34. “You’re supposed to have one hand up and one hand down. As you’re trying to go up, you’re trying to pull someone up at the same time.”

35. “The automatic things you do are basically those things that keep you from doing the better things you need to do.”

36. “Life is a game, and it’s much more fun if you play it as your own game, so stay light and loose and relaxed.”

37. “I think if you can take care of yourself, and then maybe try to take care of someone else, that’s sort of how you’re supposed to live.”

38. “Every moment that you share someone else’s pain—feel what they feel—makes you more human.”

39. “You have to hope that good things happen to you—that’s the only thing we really, surely have, is hope. You hope that you can be alive, that things will happen to you that you’ll actually witness, that you’ll participate in. Rather than life just rolling over you, and you wake up and it’s Thursday, and what happened to Monday? Whatever the best part of my life has been, has been as a result of that remembering.”

40. “You have to be as light as you can be and not get weighed down and stuck in your emotions, stuck in your body, stuck in your head. You just want to always be trying to elevate somehow.”

41. “I’m just a potato that won’t quit. I’m a potato with some legs. Some have eyes, I’ve got legs.”

42. “Grab this day by the neck and kiss it.”

43. “Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.”

44. “If you bite on everything they throw at you, they will grind you down. You have to ignore a certain amount of stuff.”

45. “It’s extremely powerful to say no—it’s really the most powerful thing to say.”

46. “I don’t have to take this abuse from you, I have hundreds of people waiting in line to abuse me!”

47. “We’re Americans! Do you know what that means? It means our forefathers were kicked out of every decent country in the world.”

48. “My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 computer. They went to the moon, I threw birds at pig houses.”

49. “I’ve got kids, and that’s important. It’s funny—you think that there’s an expiration date on them and there just isn’t.”

50. “I’m not an alcoholic, I only drink two times a year. When it’s my birthday, and when it’s not my birthday.”

51. “Chicks dig me because I rarely wear underwear, and when I do, it’s usually something unusual.”

52. “I’ve never made any horrible, horrible movies. If you don’t ruin your reputation, you can always get work.”

53. “I’ve retired a couple of times. It’s great because you can just say, ‘Oh, I’m sorry, I’m retired.’”

54. “Parties are only bad when a fight breaks out, when men fight over women or vice versa. Someone takes a fall, an ambulance comes, and the police arrive. If you can avoid those things, pretty much all behavior is acceptable.”

55. “I improvise whenever I feel it’s important, or whenever I think that something’s there. It’s nice to have a script that’s so well written that I don’t have to improvise. I mean, I used to have to re-write whole movies; this is kind of nice.”

56. “‘Groundhog Day’ was one of the greatest scripts ever written. It didn’t even get nominated for an Academy Award.”

57. “I feel that if you really want an Oscar, you’re in trouble. It’s like wanting to be married—you’ll take anybody. If you want the Oscar really badly, it becomes a naked desire and ambition. It becomes very unattractive.”

58. “There were a lot of actors that are more talented than me at Second City who quit before they even got to a paying status. Weird luck, I had no other option.”

59. “Movie acting suits me because I only need to be good for ninety seconds at a time.”

60. “One of the things I like about acting is that, in a funny way, I come back to myself.”

61. “I think all phases of one’s career are serious if you take it seriously no matter if you are doing high profile dramatic pieces or not.”

62. “You can’t think about what you’re going to do. It just gets in the way. You have to be just available for life, otherwise, you’re not bringing anything to the party. So I don’t lie awake thinking about what I’m going to do workwise. There’s just too much going on.”

63. “Golf was my first glimpse of comedy. I was a caddy when I was a kid. I was on the golf course rather than being in lessons, but I can play better now than I could then.”

64. “I don’t want to have a relationship with someone if I’m not going to work with them.”

65. “I really don’t know what’s going to come out of my mouth.”

66. “When I work, my first relationship with people is professional.”

67. “I’ve killed myself so many times, I don’t even exist anymore.”

68. “No one really wants to admit they are lonely, and it is never really addressed very much between friends and family. But I have felt lonely many times in my life.”

69. “You know, they say an elephant never forgets. What they don’t tell you is, you never forget an elephant.”

70. “And I say, ‘Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know.’ And he says, ‘Oh, uh, there won’t be any money. But when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness.’ So I got that goin’ for me, which is nice.”

71. “And I don’t like to work. I only like working when I’m working.”

72. “Totie Fields is one of my benchmarks for a lot of things. There was a standard of show business.”

73. “If people really want to find you, they find you.”

74. “My back hurts. My legs ache. I’m only four!”

75. “Just the very thought of someone my age going to visit old girlfriends had instant appeal. Even women think, ‘That would be interesting.’ Not comfortable, but interesting. It is not a comfortable film at any point.”

76. “Afghanistan is just one of those countries that no group can conquer. It’s so challenging to live, and the people are so close among their own tribes, their own groups, that you can’t rule them all, you can’t get an accord from all of them.”

77. “People say I’m difficult. Sometimes that’s a badge of honor.”

78. “The critics. When they’re right, they’re right for the wrong reasons. And they’re usually wrong.”

79. “This really should be kept secret, but you can learn a lot by watching the making of DVDs. Every actor should do it. You figure out what you’re dealing with.”

80. “I had a hilarious experience with Garfield. I only read a few pages of it, and I kind of wanted to do a cartoon movie, because I had looked at the screenplay and it said, ‘Joel Cohen’ on it.”

81. “I think that the online world has actually brought books back. People are reading because they’re reading the damn screen. That’s more reading than people used to do.”

82. “There are people who drove me crazy, but they got the job done. And when I see that person again, I nod my head. Respect.”

83. “Friendship is so weird. You just pick a human you’ve met and you’re like, ‘Yep, I like this one,’ and you just do stuff with them.”

84. “There’s a wonderful sense of well-being that begins to circulate, up and down your spine. And you feel something that makes you almost want to smile. So what’s it like to be me? Ask yourself, ‘What’s it like to be me?’ The only way we’ll ever know what it’s like to be you is if you work your best at being you as often as you can, and keep reminding yourself that’s where home is.”

85. “My hope, always, is that it’s going to wake me up. I’m only connected for seconds, minutes a day, sometimes. And suddenly, you go, ‘Holy cow, I’ve been asleep for two days. I’ve been doing things, but I’m just out.’ If I see someone who’s out cold on their feet, I’m going to try to wake that person up. It’s what I’d want someone to do for me. Wake me the hell up and come back to the planet.”

86. “My mother is a real character—a talkative soul who can make friends with anyone, and she’d always been a massive influence on me. She’s so animated, I even used to tape phone conversations with her in order to steal material!”

87. “Sentimentality to me is a symbol that we’ve left the planet.”

88. “Eh, it’s not that attractive to have a plan. I know that if I ever feel that I need to make a funny movie, I’ll figure out how to write one. I’ll get it done. If I ever get some ambition, I’m gonna get some shit done.”

89. “Keep ’em comin’, sweets, I got a long drive. Do me a favor, will you? Would you mind washing off that perfume before you come back to our table?”

90. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go on an overnight drunk and in 10 days, I’m going to set out to find the shark that ate my friend and destroy it. Anyone who wants to tag along is more than welcome.”

91. “If you’re gonna cuss with somebody, you’re not gonna cuss with me, you little cuss!”

92. “She’s not my girlfriend. I find her interesting because she sleeps above her covers. Four feet above her covers. She barks, she drools, she claws!”

93. “Our daughter’s been abducted by one of these beige lunatics.”

94. “What about glitter? When I was a headliner in Paris, audiences always liked it when I sparkled.”

95. “Now, for some of you, it doesn’t matter. You were born rich and you’re going to stay rich. But here’s my advice to the rest of you—take dead aim on the rich boys. Get them in the crosshairs and take them down. Just remember, they can buy anything but they can’t buy backbone. Don’t let them forget it. Thank you.”

96. “Couldn’t you have rented me a Porsche or some car that I might really drive? I’m a stalker in a Taurus.”

97. “I was in the Virgin Islands once. I met a girl. We ate lobster, drank piña coladas. At sunset, we made love like sea otters. That was a pretty good day. Why couldn’t I get that day over and over and over?”

98. “Are there any priests on call?”

99. “Zombies don’t mess with other zombies.”

100. “Hi, I’m Bob. Would you knock me out, please? Just hit me in the face.”

101. “If at first you don’t succeed, so much for skydiving.”

102. “We think they see all our flaws. But, that’s not what they are looking to find when they look at us.”

103. “For relaxing times, make it Suntory time.”

104. “Forget about your worries and your strife.”

105. “You’re not exactly known for your taste. I’ll probably just use her for the rest of the summer and then throw her on the scrap heap with all the rest of the women that I’ve destroyed.”

106. “Mr. Pathetic, you’ve had a crush on her since high school. Would you please ask her out so she can reject you and we can get on with my life?”

107. “The most terrifying day of your life is the day the first one is born. Your life, as you know it, is gone. Never to return. But they learn how to walk, and they learn how to talk, and you want to be with them. And they turn out to be the most delightful people you will ever meet in your life.”

108. “It’s a weird moon. The moon kills, you know. It feeds off the earth. On a night like this, one of us could get up in the middle of the night, grab an ax, and cut somebody’s head off.”

109. “If Google doesn’t know the answer, then it’s not a question.”

110. “It’s Christmas Eve! It’s the one night of the year when we all act a little nicer, we smile a little easier, we cheer a little more. For a couple of hours out of the whole year, we are the people that we always hoped we would be.”

111. “There’s only a couple times when fame is ever helpful. Sometimes, you can get into a restaurant where the is just closing. Sometimes, you can avoid a traffic violation, but the only time it really matters is in the emergency room with your kids. That’s when you want to be noticed because it’s very easy to get forgotten in an ER.”

112. “It just doesn’t matter! It just doesn’t matter!”

113. “People only talk about what a joyous experience it is, but there is terror. Your life, as you know it, is over. It’s over the day that child is born. It’s over, and something completely new starts.”

114. “Something wild can happen to anybody and I caution anybody that walks out on the street—just settle your accounts before you leave the house every day.”

115. “I think everyone becomes a jerk for about two years when they become famous. So I give people two years to figure it out and pull it together, but you end up behaving poorly because there’s just no training for it. There’s nothing your parents ever did, no matter what kind of people they are, because everything just gets different. The information coming to you comes differently, and people treat you differently—sort of—and everything changes for us. So it takes you a little while to figure it out.”

116. “Alcohol is really just the liquid version of Photoshop.”

117. “I can only take so much TV, because there is so much advice. I find people will preach about virtually anything—your diet, how to live your life, how to improve your golf—a lot. I have always had a thing against the Mister Know-It-Alls.”

118. “If you have someone that you think is ‘The One,’ don’t just sort of think in your ordinary mind, ‘Okay, let’s pick a date. Let’s plan this and have a party and get married.’ Take that person and travel around the world. Buy a plane ticket for the two of you to travel all around the world, and go to places that are hard to go to and hard to get out of. And if when you come back to JFK, when you land in JFK, and you’re still in love with that person, get married at the airport.”

119. “You work, you get paid, you drink.”


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