2. “I’m not going to lie. I am a psycho. Luckily, I get most of it out on stage.”
3. “To me this is not yelling. I am not yelling. I’m just passionate about my opinions and I want to tell you all of them before you start talking again.”
4. “I have this weird sort of Gemini thing where I can really be empathetic and a loving person. But if you piss me off, I can be one of the meanest, most sadistic people.”
5. “Nothing worse than when 6 acts like a 10.”
6. “I have friends in this business who put pictures of their kids on Facebook. That’s not something I would do.”
7. “Deny your emotions and act as you have answers.”
8. “Your twenties are all about taking your childhood out on everyone that you run into.”
9. “We need a plague. It’s gotta happen. And don’t worry, it’s only gonna kill the weak. Seriously, put on a sweater, take some vitamins, you’re gonna be fine! We gotta let mother nature do her thing, man. She keeps trying to help us out and we won’t let her do it.”
10. “I don’t think that hard about why people come out to my shows or trying to influence them or anything. I’m just happy that they showed up.”
11. “I heard a quote once in a documentary about a band that said you’re better off owning everything 100 percent and selling 20,000 copies of an album than signing with a record company and selling a million copies. There has never been a truer statement about show business than that.”
12. “My parents have a . My dad just works, works, works, works, works. I think it would be hard to find a guy who’s logged more hours than that guy.”
13. “They say you don’t want to meet your heroes, but those two guys, you do want to meet them, because they do not disappoint. Walken has this amazing sense of humor, and Pacino is like just a sweetheart of a guy.”
14. “You know, it wasn’t even that I’m a funny guy, I just loved stand-up comedy and I wanted to do it. It was one of the few things in my life that I knew I was going to be able to do, and I also felt as though I’d be able to do it the way I wanted to do it.”
15. “I think I know how to raise a kid. You just play catch with ’em. You just talk about life, and you distract them by throwing the ball. They don’t even notice that you’re filling up their heads with your theories.”
16. “Everyone should just drive out to the Mojave Desert and just experience it, and it’s a fun place to live.”
17. “What happens is when you have a kid, you are a unique human being, so you are going to have a unique experience. No one can really tell you what you’re going to feel.”
18. “A plumber doesn’t change the way he plums when he has a kid. You’re a comedian. This is your style.”
19. “I’m always looking at new ways to tell a joke so that it doesn’t get stale while working on new jokes every night or I would go absolutely crazy and would want to kill myself. I just want to go in there and talk about what’s bugging me.”
20. “I used to think you had to live this miserable life and that that would make you funnier, but you don’t. The misery will come. The misery will find you.”
21. “Haven’t you noticed that every time the government f*cks up McDonald’s has a new sandwich?”
22. “Some guy workin’ at Home Depot, he wants to f*ck just as many women as a celebrity. But he can’t do it, because wh*r*s don’t care about lumber.”
23. “Did you ever spell a word so bad that your spell check has absolutely no clue what you’re trying to spell? What do you end up getting, you end up getting, like, a question mark? You got a million dollars of technology just looking back at you like, ‘You got me, buddy.’ Which is pretty amazing because I have all the words.”
24. “You’re a kid, your whole life is awesome. It’s awesome, right? You had no money, no ID, no cell phone, no nothing, no keys to the house. You just ran outside into the woods. You weren’t scared of nothing. I challenge you to do that as an adult. All your IDs, all your credit cards—just run out of the house with no phone, turn the corner where you can’t see your house, and not have a full-on panic attack.”
25. “Any other town you go to there’s and a little angel on your shoulder. A little good advice, a little bad advice. You go to Las Vegas, there’s like a devil and a devil and they’re just battling it out the whole time. It’s like, ‘Smoke some crack!’ ‘Get a hooker!’ and then I go, ‘Yea! Yea, this is a good town. Smoke some crack and get a hooker! Alright!’”
26. “What would you rather be? 52 and look 52, or 52 and look like a 28-year-old lizard?”
27. “Inter-racial sex is probably some of the best sex on the planet. You know what that is? Because with inter-racial sex there’s like this whole added pressure to perform. ‘Cause, it’s kinda like you’re not just humping for yourself. You’re humping for your race. You got to represent your people.”
28. “The first guy who got Aids was a French flight attendant. How do you like that Frenchie? You know when I come back and run for office, that may be the one that comes back and haunts me.”
29. “My neighbor’s not even listening to me. He’s all excited about some garden hose he bought at Brookstone. He’s convinced it was designed by NASA. Actually, it’s got two nozzles, one for the hot and one for the, ‘Really? Is it long enough to go around both our necks and the chimney so we can tandem jump off of this?’ That’s all I really care about you and your little garden hose.”
30. “When I’m up there, I’m just thinking that I’ve got to make them laugh or they won’t show up next time.”
31. “Gold diggers are the wife beaters of men!”
32. “Realize that sleeping on a futon when you’re 30 is not the worst thing. You know what’s worse, sleeping in a king bed next to a wife you’re not really in love with but for some reason, you married, and you got a couple of kids, and you got a job you hate. You’ll be laying there fantasizing about sleeping on a futon. There’s no risk when you go after a dream. There’s a tremendous amount of risk to playing it safe.”
33. “There are no ‘brothers’ when it comes to white people. We are just complete individuals. We don’t care about each other. He’s not my brother, my brother lives in Ohio, I don’t know that guy.”
34. “The first night you walked down to a comedy club, at least for me, I had my voice, and then I went on stage and I lost it.”
35. “You know why men make more money than women? Because, in the unlikely event that we’re both on the Titanic and it starts to sink, for some reason, you get to leave with the kids and I have to stay, that’s why I get the dollar more an hour.”
36. “If I get married I get a tax break, if I have a kid I get a tax break, if I get a mortgage I get a tax break. I don’t have any kids and I drive a hybrid, I think I should get a tax break. I’m trying to pay off my apartment so I have something tangible. I actually figured out if I paid off my place my reward would be that I would pay an extra four grand a year in taxes.”
37. “I think the fear of humiliating yourself on stage always motivates me to give at least 90 percent. I’ve definitely been guilty of leaning on the mic stand, but you can only do that so long before you’re like, ‘Jesus, I’m bombing.’”
38. “It’s just if one person says anything it becomes clickbait and then they start talking about the comedy climate which is hilarious, so no. You know what it is? People are adults and they know they’re at a comedy show but every once in a while somebody isn’t an adult and then for some reason, you know, it’s lazy reporting.”
39. “Like I said, you guys in the media will treat the dumbest jackass in the entire f*ck*ng world like they won a Pulitzer Prize for journalism and will put that level of weight on it like they’re an ambassador to some country we’re trying to establish trade with.”
40. “People focus too much on whether there’s a Democrat or a Republican in office. It’s not like this guy Kim-Jong Un got into power the second Trump got into power. It’s not like he wasn’t a problem. It’s not like we haven’t had warmongers. It’s not like corporations haven’t been the main influence on what we’re doing around the world.”
41. “I think it’s hilarious the way Obama is depicted post-presidency. He’s always kayaking or playing jai alai like he’s some retired athlete or something. Like he wasn’t doing the exact same thing everybody else was doing.”
42. “I can’t quite remember who I voted for president. It wasn’t Trump or Hillary, though. I didn’t like either one of them.”
43. “Think about the amount of crap the US has done! Between slavery and the genocide of the , if any of that had been filmed like Hitler, we’d never live it down.”
44. “Rich people never go to war. You ask a college kid to go to war, and he’s like, ‘Umm, I’m taking this sociology class, and I think war is, like, really stupid, and my roommate’s, like, half Afghani, so it’s going to cause some static.’”
45. “The Giants beating the undefeated Patriots, that’s all a joke. The star of a reality show is going to run the country. The guy who decided if Bret Michaels or Cyndi Lauper would make a better CEO for a company that doesn’t exist is going to be running stuff.”
46. “I don’t feel like it’s a wasted vote because I think like that to run. I vote for the candidates that aren’t bought and paid for like the Clintons.”
47. “You wanna know how you know you’re informed as a protestor? They don’t show your interview on TV.”
48. “Look how long it took to build the Freedom Tower, and we wanted that. It took 15 years.”
49. “So many people there are in politics that they’re overly cautious about laughing at stuff. They’re so damned concerned about what everyone else is thinking. What are they worried about? Nobody ever walked into a show as a bleeding heart liberal and had a comedian undo 30 years of life experience.”
50. “As far as my mindset changing, I see myself in my older age.”
51. “A lot of my fears and anxieties are the fears and anxieties of a six-year-old boy. When I finally confront them, they’re really small.”
52. “I like finding stuff that I suck at and trying to get better. So I’m taking classes, getting myself comfortable in an acting scene. You’ve got to work out those ticks. For instance, standing up used to be really hard for me. I act much better if I’m sitting down.”
53. “God’s everywhere, but I gotta go down ‘to church’ to see him? Really? And he’s mad at me down there, and I owe you money?”
54. “You have to understand how bad I wanted to be a comedian, how much I loved doing it. I still can’t believe I get to do this for a living and have people come up and want to see me.”
55. “I wish they would teach it in schools. Give people the belief that they are going to do well. A lot of people are really talented and scared to follow their talent because you don’t know where it’s going.”
56. “I’m one of those guys where you know, I’m 23 years into this and I love the road more than ever, and rather than whittling down my schedule to just play the major cities, I’ve actually expanded the amount of places that I go to because I want to see a bunch of stuff. You know, plan it as long as I can while I’m still young enough to travel.”
57. “The fact that people pay to come to see me, that’s really just out the window.”
58. “If you get a chance to go outside of the country, you start examining where you’re from and some of the thought processes. Like when I finally got away from the east coast for a while, and I came back there was just this underlying anger that I never noticed before because I was born there and just dropped right into it.”
59. “Turn inward and say to yourself, ‘I’m just gonna do it.’ That got me to where I am now. I look at the industry like it’s a giant mall, and I have a little store. This is what I’m selling. I do stand-up, I’ve got a podcast, and occasionally I act.”
60. “That’s kind of my job in the writer’s room. I’m always the guy going, like, ;People wouldn’t say that there. They wouldn’t say that.’ Like, I hate when I watch sitcoms and something crazy happens, and people just kind of go, ‘Huh?’ and then they just go on.’”
61. “If I can sell out clubs and theaters and play dirtbags in movies, and get blown up in a car or get the crap beat out of me in a movie, that’s good for me. I’m good.”
62. “My favorite part of podcasting is running my mouth for an hour. The only time I don’t like it is when I’m off. Then that hour feels like a day and a half.”
63. “I think I just say what I’m thinking. And you know, if people relate to it, they relate to it, but I really, you know, if you really listen to me, I don’t have my finger on any pulse.”
64. “I do my podcast on Mondays for a specific reason. A lot of people go to work and don’t like their jobs. If you give people something to laugh about, it’s good.”
65. “Like most comics, I tried to come up with a sitcom idea that was based around my life. And it didn’t work out. But maybe because it didn’t work out, that’s why I ended up on ‘Breaking Bad.’ I don’t know.”
66. “I love making movies, and being in any that I can be in. I’d like to be in those giant movies, as the fifth or sixth lead, and have three or four killer scenes. You don’t have the responsibility of the entire movie being on you. I like those roles. I’m shooting for the middle.”
67. “I don’t take anything from the podcast and bring it to my act because I feel like that’s been burned unless I feel like I can really develop it beyond two or three jumps beyond what I said on the podcast.”
68. “Podcasting is great. Total freedom.”
69. “I’ve been guilty of being in the writers’ room and going too dark, other people have gone too wacky and zany.”
70. “I’ve found that by doing stand-up, I’ve battled with that type of stuff, but what I’ve found is that by doing stand-up, I’ve actually learned about depression and how to combat it. I don’t have clinical, but I’ve definitely had my bouts with it.”
71. “I love doing radio, and I love doing stand-up, obviously.”
72. “There is a very difficult period in a comedian’s career, it’s that window of time where you’re good enough to draw tickets but nobody knows you yet.”
73. “It’s a great time to be a comedian because you’ve got so much more control. You can say what you want to. I think in the old days with the studio system the performer was a bit of an afterthought. You can be a wildcard on the internet. But if you put something on the internet once it’s out there it’s out there for life.”
74. “Before I even knew what stand-up was, I tried to make people laugh at school because that was how I made friends, so I think that’s how I got drawn into comedy and obviously, I was just some kid at school being silly, so the first time I saw a professional comedian and how smooth and funny the person was I totally got into stand-up.”
75. “Stand-up comedy is this thing you get to do, so you have to treat it with respect. You can’t just be like, ‘Alright, I got my hour down, people are coming to see me now. Now, I’m going to lean on the mike stand.’ No, you gotta work even harder now. You got to the top of what you already did because they’ll find someone else.”
76. “I still remember the first gig where I got people going, it was Rascals in New Jersey, and the place was packed. I was scared. People were expecting me to be funny. I gotta be honest, every time I walk into a club, it’s that same fear.”
77. “Being a comedian is an incredible thing, but it can be scary sometimes.”
78. “I was in NYC during 9/11; it happened on a , I was on stage Thursday. It was a small crowd, but it took about 10 days and the comedy clubs were packed.”
79. “Working on the show was amazing.”
80. “The only time I get sick of making people laugh is when I’m in a non-writing-joke mode, and I just can’t seem to come up with anything new that’s funny. That’s a tough place to be as a comedian.”
81. “Being a stand-up comic, this isn’t a stepping-stone for me, it’s what I do, and this is what I’m always going to do. And even if I do a TV show, the only reason to do a TV show is to get more people to know me to come out to my stand-up shows.”
82. “I gotta be honest with you. I’m kind of jealous of the way my dad gets to talk to my sometimes. Where are all those old-school women you can just make your day out on? When did they stop making those angels?”
83. “I’m trying to get away from trashing women, to be honest. I think I’ve done enough of that in my career.”
84. “I was painfully shy when I was younger but at some point, you’ve gotta grow up. I think the genius in the man-boy thing is you tap into a woman’s motherly instincts.”
85. “There is no reason to hit a woman. And I was just like, really? I could give you, like, 17 right off the top of my head.”
86. “Patrice O’Neal is the best comic I ever saw.”
87. “I’m not easy to live with. My is a saint.”
88. “I love my dog. I hate bankers. I have issues with women. In my head, I’m a great guy.”
89. “I actually had the urge to elbow an elderly lady today.”
90. “You know what a cubicle basically says? It basically says like, ‘You know what? We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office, but we don’t want you to look at anybody.”
91. “I bet ‘The Walking Dead’ gets really low ratings out in Montana, just because all they need to do is look out their f*ck*ng window, am I right?”
92. “I can tell you why I like different countries. Ireland—some of the funniest heckles I’ve ever gotten. And the last time, I did England, I did Bristol, Manchester, and then London. The whole country is just amazing to drive through.”
93. “Oh look, an ATM! Ok, here we go! I lost all my money, now what do I do? Get a gun! Rob a casino! Good idea! Look at all the lights! This is beautiful.”
94. “I am so pro-swine flu it’s ridiculous.”
95. “If you try to deliver a funny line in a funny way, it comes out as wacky and you ruin the scene.”
96. “My favorite kind of humor is basically if it was happening to you, it wouldn’t be funny, but to observe it, it’s hilarious.”
97. “Carnegie Hall is as good as they say it is. It’s not like Stonehenge which looks great in books but then you go there and it’s a pile of rocks next to a highway. There’s actually a highway right next to it, but you don’t see that in pictures.”
98. “The word ‘ranting’ is kind of overused now. Literally, if you just talk about a subject for 30 seconds or more, even if you never raise your voice, if I just talk about it, it’s called a rant.”
99. “There are no winners in this election ‘2016’. I paid attention to it for about two months and then it just started to depress me. At least Hillary’s ‘Clinton’ is a politician, but the fact that you’ve got a guy from a reality TV show! I have to say, out of everything I’ve ever watched in , the greatest comebacks ever. Watching ‘Donald Trump’ get the nomination for the Republican Party is the most astounding thing I’ve ever seen.”
100. “I was scared to death because for the comics of my generation, HBO specials are like the pinnacle. I’m thinking of all these unbelievable comedians I’ve seen on HBO—Chris Rock, , Damon Wayans, Richard Pryor, and Billy Crystal. I started having a panic attack seeing my name on that list of people. It was pretty overwhelming.”
101. “To me, ‘rant’ was ranting and raving. So to me, it’s heightened. Emotional flipping out, frothing at the mouth. Where I grew up, that was a rant. I don’t consider what I’m doing ranting.”
102. “Let’s go to Brunch. What a great idea! Why would you want to sleep in on a when you can go pay $18 for eggs? Now, you’re thinking.”
103. “Business runs hot and cold so the more you’re in charge of your own destiny, the better off you are.”
104. “For us, a lot of the cartoons and crazy stuff on ‘F is for Family’ are tertiary characters, it happens on the television in the show. We try to keep whatever problem the Murphy family is dealing with rooted as much as we can in reality.”
105. “Only an adult with dying dreams can appreciate how awesome it is to have a dog.”
106. “I used to always work in, like, warehouses, because if my boss gave me a rough time, I could just get on a forklift and just, like, drive away from him.”
107. “As much as Metallica rocked, they always had these song names—‘The Thing That Shouldn’t Be,’ ‘The Chair That Wasn’t There’, you know?”
108. “I’m an idiot, basically. I don’t think that I’m a dumb guy, but I also realize that I have access to about 0.1 percent of the information that I need to have a truly informed opinion about half the stuff I talk about. I’m like that loud guy in the bar, who kind of makes sense for about ten minutes, and then you realize he flunked everything at high school so you just laugh at him.”
109. “Pitbulls are like a gun you can pet.”
110. “Do you know how many times a week people ask me why I’m yelling?”
111. “You have no idea how long a year is until you’re stone sober.”
112. “I’ve never wanted to kill myself over anything major. It’s always the little things that do me in.”
113. “You start in bars and then restaurants, then you want to get into comedy clubs where you feature, then your headline, and once you sell out clubs you’re into theaters.”
114. “When I watch ‘Breaking Bad,’ my stomach is in knots.”
115. “I’ve been able to get there, and it’s cool to do that.”
116. “ is the greatest guy ever. He just wants to hang out, have a beer, and tell stories. He’s the coolest. I’ve never met The Rock though.”
117. “I was certified to take x-rays, but you can’t just show up and start cleaning people’s teeth.”
118. “If you’re on social media as a performer, you can tell. If you don’t get any Tweets, you know it’s bombed. I can pretty much gauge how it’s doing by comparing the reception to shows I’ve done that have actual ratings.”
119. “Comedians have the ability to feel other emotions.”
