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1. “Home is where you make it.” – Old Cajun Man
2. “Life is too short to waste doing nothing. Make everyday count, because we all don’t know when we will leave this world. Cherish every moment you have with loved ones and never regret anything in life, because everything happens for a reason. Look at every day and smile that God has kept you alive, ‘cause there’s nothing sweeter than life.” – Joe Dirt
3. “Well, that might be your problem, it’s not what you like, it’s the consumer.” – Joe Dirt
4. “And at that moment, I thought I might just lie there and never get up. I would just sit there and rot there, but then I looked up and saw the moon, and got this weird feeling that Brandi was looking up at that same moon. Then, I realized, I had a home all along in Silvertown.” – Joe Dirt
5. “You want me to put my ear to the ground and listen for hoof beats, check for footprints, look for broken twigs? This is the modern era. That stuff doesn’t work anymore.” – Kicking Wing
6. “Why did you do that to me? I was only eight years old—I was just a little kid. Do you have any idea what it’s like to be a kid and have nobody around to talk to, no one that cares if you’re alive or dead? Every day, you just think you’re worthless and there’s a void in your life.” – Joe Dirt
7. “You can’t have ‘no’ in your heart. ‘No’ is not an option, brother.” – Joe Dirt
8. “You see that moon? You don’t know how many nights I spent alone staring at that moon, wondering if at that exact ent, my mom or my dad was looking at the same moon. And for that brief second, we were together again, kind of, you know?” – Joe Dirt
9. “Life’s a garden, dig it.” – Joe Dirt
10. “Right on. Things are gonna happen for me! I’m Joe Dirt!” – Joe Dirt
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11. “You’re gonna stand there, ownin’ a fireworks stand, and tell me you don’t have no whistlin’ bungholes, no spleen splitters, whisker biscuits, honkey lighters, hoosker doos, hoosker don’ts, cherry bombs, nipsy daisers, with or without the scooter stick, or one single whistlin’ kitty chaser?” – Joe Dirt
12. “Well, huh, might as well ask why is a tree good? Why is the sunset good? Why are boobs good? Man, firecrackers, ya stick ’em in mailboxes, you drop ’em in toilets, shove ’em up bullfrogs asses.” – Joe Dirt
13. “You like to see homos naked, that’s cool man, whatever. Guy likes to see homos naked, that doesn’t help me.” – Joe Dirt
14. “Buffalo Bob’s kind of a weird name, but people say Joe Dirt’s a weird name, and how cool am I?” – Joe Dirt
15. “You guys got somethin’ to say to me? Why don’t you say it in the microphone? I got a backup mic right here. Check, one, two, testing, testing. Yup, they both workin’, and guess what? They don’t like no feedback, what’s up?” – Joe Dirt
16. “My name is Joe Dirte, I added an ‘e’ to the end, ‘cause it sounds cool.” – Joe Dirt
17. “Well, say it, don’t spray it, brother. Dang!” – Joe Dirt
18. “I got the poo on me!” – Joe Dirt
19. “Is this where you wanna be when Jesus comes back, making fun of poor Joe Dirt?” – Joe Dirt
20. “Hey! You’re talking to my guy all wrong. It’s the wrong tone. Do it again, I’ll stab you in the face with a soldering iron. Hey, tell me, does your mother sew? Boom! Get her to sew that!” – Clem
21. “Now, you’re telling me you were so ingrained with white trash DNA, your facial hair actually grows in on its own, all white trashy like that?” – Zander Kelly
22. “I’m not talking about a posi-trac, I’m talking about me. How long did you look for me before you gave up? How long were you riding in that car before you realized I wasn’t in it? Exactly how long?” – Joe Dirt
23. “There are three rules when dealin’ with a deadly alligator, and yes, they are deadly, don’t kid yourself. Rule number one, I’m number one. Ya hear that? I like to kid around. Rule two, the croc’s number two. Now before I begin—.” – Joe Dirt
24. “Well, I was born without the top of my skull and I guess a little bit of my brain was showing, and it was grossin’ everybody out. So my mom put this wig on me to cover it up, and then the bones grew together and it got all infused and entwined. I mean, I don’t mean to get all scientific with you.” – Joe Dirt
25. “Things get the darkest before dawn.” – Joe Dirt
26. “People like that security guard—they don’t really mean what they say. They just got their own issues and whatnot. All I got to do is keep bein’ . No matter what, good things’ll come my way.” – Joe Dirt
27. “Lose that frown. When you’re down, stare at a clown.” – Joe’s Mom
28. “No, I’m cool.” – Joe Dirt
29. “She’s your sister, dude, she’s gotta be. And you made out with her, man! What’s wrong with you, you pervert!” – Joe Dirt
30. “Watch the guns, , that’s how I get the gals.” – Joe Dirt
31. “Yep, left it at a friend’s house. Actually, it got towed away two years ago. But I’m pickin’ it up this afternoon. I might need a pretty little lady to sit in the front seat while I break her in. The car, I mean. So what do you say?” – Joe Dirt
32. “Sure would. Do you want to go back to my place?” – Jill
33. “Well I didn’t know she was my sister when I kissed her, so it’s not my fault. And she’s one of the hottest girls on the planet.” – Joe Dirt
34. “And you’ll be sticking your head out the window and check out chic dogs saying, ‘What’s up, baby?’” – Joe Dirt
35. “You just said your sister’s hot! What a fuhreak! You’re goin’ to hell, man! I gotta tell her what happened, why I got weird. And for god sakes, I gotta treat her like a sister.” – Joe Dirt
36. “If I told you that you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?” – Joe Dirt
37. “Wow, a Hemi. Balls to the wall. That’s a big ten-four.” – Jill
38. “Hell no man, I don’t listen to that crap! I’m a rocker dude through and through. Here’s my favorite bands—AC/DC, Van Halen, not Van Hagar, Skynyrd, Def Lep.” – Joe Dirt
39. “Here we go, I’m a bit of a crocophile, so don’t try this at home. This here’s Rocky, and he ain’t no puppy. Now, let’s see if Rocky’s got some cavities.” – Joe Dirt
40. “I’m not messin’ around! I hit it, and it goes bang. Alright? Now, while I’m up here waiting you, show me them boobies!” – Joe Dirt
41. “There you go. Someone shoves an M-80 up a bullfrog’s butt, blows him to pieces. He comes back to you to fix it. You win twice, brother. It’s good biz.” – Joe Dirt
42. “God Almighty, from inbred heaven? Hey, freak boy, 1976 called, it wants its hairstyle back.” – Zander Kelly
43. “Uh, no, that’s a space peanut.” – Joe Dirt
44. “Yeah, you want a match? My face and your ass! How ’bout that, friend? Huh? I mean, your ass and my face, what’s up?” – Joe Dirt
45. “Oh, when bad pets go bad, dang. It’s like the cartoons, I’m seein’ all ‘tweet tweet.’” – Joe Dirt
46. “They clean the bowl so you don’t have to! Hehehe, no, I didn’t.” – Joe Dirt
47. “Maybe if it came out of Charlene Tilton’s ass, I’d take a bite.” – Joe Dirt
48. “Look at him fellas! You cryin’, boy? You cryin’, boy? Maybe go back down to Mcdonalds, get you some whaa burgers and some french cries!” – Robby
49. “No, afraid not. That’s just a big ol’ frozen chunk of poopy.” – Meteor Bert
50. “What’s the deal with your hair? You doing stunt work for Billy Ray Cyrus?” – Zander Kelly
51. “You probably liked J.R., you queer. I saw your bumper sticker, ‘Cowboys’ butts drive me nuts.’” – Bullying Man
52. “If my calculations are correct, this will create ice. Oh no, killer mustard gas!” – Joe Dirt
53. “Here on earth, we call this place a ‘town.’ A ‘town’ is a place where everyone hates you.” – Joe Dirt
54. “Your nuts are frozen to the porch. Oh, that sucks.” – Joe Dirt
55. “The guy doing the police sketches thought I was messing with him because my dad came out looking like Father Time and my mom came out looking too butch, and looking way too much like Richard Ramirez. You know the Night Stalker? Remember him?” – Joe Dirt
56. “Don’t try and church it up son. Don’t you mean Joe Dirt? Naming you that, your father must’ve really hated you.” – Security Guard
57. “Nunamaker! Nunamaker! That’s what my sister said on the way to the Grand Canyon! My last name’s Dirt, her last name’s Nunamaker! That’s my parents’ last name!” – Joe Dirt
58. “Yeah, man, that little boy, that’s me. My parents were—this was my home. I thought this was it this time.” – Joe Dirt
59. “I don’t mean to interrupt your clown pitch there, but–but how exactly do you not go right back to the place where you saw me?” – Joe Dirt
60. “My God! Oh, my clowns! Look at my clowns! I wish he never found us! Look what he did to my children! Oh, no! Hey! Hey, TV people! Hey, TV people!” – Joe’s Mom
61. “I checked my list of Rambler Wagons, and there it was: Nunamaker. Baton Rouge, Louisiana. I was finally home.” – Joe Dirt
62. “Hey, you’re grounded! Where are you all going? Hey, come on! You don’t have to follow him just because he’s going!” – Joe’s Dad
63. “I don’t care about that! And I don’t care about this! And I don’t want to see you for another 25 years!” – Joe Dirt
64. “All right! We didn’t lose him, we just left him. So what? The dude’s doing fine! Look at him!” – Joe’s Dad
65. “Good stuff? This is the good stuff, snakes and sparklers.” – Kicking Wing
66. “So you’re gonna tell me that you don’t have no , no Roman Candles, or screaming mimis? Oh come on, man. You got no lady fingers, fuzz buttles, snicker bombs, church burners, finger blasters, gut busters, zippity do das, or crap flappers?” – Joe Dirt
67. “Well, I see you got those snakes and sparklers. But where’s the good stuff, man?” – Joe Dirt
68. “Are you nuts, dude? You need stuff that’ll explode. Go ‘boom!’” – Joe Dirt
69. “No, because snakes and sparklers are the only ones I like.” – Kicking Wing
70. “You wanna fight? Why don’t you stick your head up my butt and fight for air.” – Joe Dirt
71. “You know I’d love to beat your ass all up and down this place but I gotta go back to work.” – Joe Dirt
72. “Does this look like a piece of crap to you? Like them spinnin’ tires, do you?” – Joe Dirt
73. “You really think you can match that slant 6 of yours against this 426 hemi? Huh? Well then let’s do it, little boy!” – Charlene
74. “That’s it! You and me, let’s go!” – Zeke
75. “Keep on, keepin’ on.” – Joe Dirt
76. “Comin’ to work, Joe Deertay.” – Joe Dirt
77. “Won’t kill you.” – Joe Dirt
78. “Turn it up.” – Joe Dirt
79. “That shit’ll buff out.” – Joe Dirt
80. “Did I get ya, Dirt?” – Robby
81. “The label looks very stern.” – Kicking Wing
82. “Everybody knows that. God damn, boy.” – Old Cajun Man
83. “Why is that good?” – Kicking Wing
84. “Oh, it’s so flat!” – Railroad Boy
85. “Luckily, my neck broke my fall.” – Joe Dirt
86. “Right on. You’re Joe Meteorite and I’m Joe Dirt.” – Joe Dirt
87. “Wee, Auto Trader. Oh August, I don’t got this one.” – Joe Dirt
88. “Is that right? You think that’s queer? Is this queer?” – Joe Dirt
89. “Well, it ain’t a meteor.” – Meteor Bert
90. “I got a fart. You want that?” – Bullying Man
91. “Well well, looky here. Corn off the cob.” – Joe Dirt
92. “Ma’am, you should never drink the bong water.” – Joe Dirt
93. “All aberration radio, all the time.” – Joe Dirt
94. “Joe Dirt, you’re fired. Here’s your week’s pay.” – Oil Rig Boss
95. “Oh yeah, see them airplanes, they dump their toilets 36,000 feet. The stuff freezes and falls to earth. We call ’em Boeing bombs.” – Meteor Bert
96. “He’ll stop humping as soon as he’s done.” – Miss Clipper
97. “Probably, because I’m sure that Yahweh would be chiming in too.” – Zander Kelly
98. “Can I push him off of me?” – Joe Dirt
99. “Hey! If you want to impress me, get a mullet hairstyle.” – Joe Dirt
100. “Well, today, I’m gonna be pickin’ up my Hemi Roadrunner. That’s right, I said, ‘Hemi.’” – Joe Dirt
101. “Now, this ain’t no flapjack, so I’m gonna be real careful, I won’t look.” – Joe Dirt
102. “This mofo knows not to mess with Sir Joseph Dirt.” – Joe Dirt
103. “Why don’t you go practice fallin’ down? I’ll be there in a minute.” – Joe Dirt
104. “Hey, to tell you the truth, brother, between you and me, that thing with the dog is comin’ off a little fruity. I mean, that’s just me talkin’. Hey, where’s my supplies?” – Joe Dirt
105. “It puts the lotion on it’s skin, or else it gets the hose again.” – Buffalo Bob
106. “What’s the story here, I’m a white trash idiot?” – Zander Kelly
107. “I would never do that, because one day I’m going to open an animal hospital.” – Kicking Wing
108. “They’re large and in charge, and they’re lookin’ for chickies.” – Joe Dirt
109. “Hey! How exactly is a rainbow made? How exactly does the sun set? How exactly does a posi-trac rear-end on a Plymouth work? It just does.” – Joe’s Dad
