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110 Joe Dirt Quotes That Showcase His Life’s Journey

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1. “Home is where you make it.” – Old Cajun Man

2. “Life is too short to waste doing nothing. Make everyday count, because we all don’t know when we will leave this world. Cherish every moment you have with loved ones and never regret anything in life, because everything happens for a reason. Look at every day and smile that God has kept you alive, ‘cause there’s nothing sweeter than life.” – Joe Dirt

3. “Well, that might be your problem, it’s not what you like, it’s the consumer.” – Joe Dirt

4. “And at that moment, I thought I might just lie there and never get up. I would just sit there and rot there, but then I looked up and saw the moon, and got this weird feeling that Brandi was looking up at that same moon. Then, I realized, I had a home all along in Silvertown.” – Joe Dirt

5. “You want me to put my ear to the ground and listen for hoof beats, check for footprints, look for broken twigs? This is the modern era. That stuff doesn’t work anymore.” – Kicking Wing

6. “Why did you do that to me? I was only eight years old—I was just a little kid. Do you have any idea what it’s like to be a kid and have nobody around to talk to, no one that cares if you’re alive or dead? Every day, you just think you’re worthless and there’s a void in your life.” – Joe Dirt

7. “You can’t have ‘no’ in your heart. ‘No’ is not an option, brother.” – Joe Dirt

8. “You see that moon? You don’t know how many nights I spent alone staring at that moon, wondering if at that exact ent, my mom or my dad was looking at the same moon. And for that brief second, we were together again, kind of, you know?” – Joe Dirt

9. “Life’s a garden, dig it.” – Joe Dirt

10. “Right on. Things are gonna happen for me! I’m Joe Dirt!” – Joe Dirt

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11. “You’re gonna stand there, ownin’ a fireworks stand, and tell me you don’t have no whistlin’ bungholes, no spleen splitters, whisker biscuits, honkey lighters, hoosker doos, hoosker don’ts, cherry bombs, nipsy daisers, with or without the scooter stick, or one single whistlin’ kitty chaser?” – Joe Dirt

12. “Well, huh, might as well ask why is a tree good? Why is the sunset good? Why are boobs good? Man, firecrackers, ya stick ’em in mailboxes, you drop ’em in toilets, shove ’em up bullfrogs asses.” – Joe Dirt

13. “You like to see homos naked, that’s cool man, whatever. Guy likes to see homos naked, that doesn’t help me.” – Joe Dirt

14. “Buffalo Bob’s kind of a weird name, but people say Joe Dirt’s a weird name, and how cool am I?” – Joe Dirt

15. “You guys got somethin’ to say to me? Why don’t you say it in the microphone? I got a backup mic right here. Check, one, two, testing, testing. Yup, they both workin’, and guess what? They don’t like no feedback, what’s up?” – Joe Dirt

16. “My name is Joe Dirte, I added an ‘e’ to the end, ‘cause it sounds cool.” – Joe Dirt

17. “Well, say it, don’t spray it, brother. Dang!” – Joe Dirt

18. “I got the poo on me!” – Joe Dirt

19. “Is this where you wanna be when Jesus comes back, making fun of poor Joe Dirt?” – Joe Dirt

20. “Hey! You’re talking to my guy all wrong. It’s the wrong tone. Do it again, I’ll stab you in the face with a soldering iron. Hey, tell me, does your mother sew? Boom! Get her to sew that!” – Clem

21. “Now, you’re telling me you were so ingrained with white trash DNA, your facial hair actually grows in on its own, all white trashy like that?” – Zander Kelly

22. “I’m not talking about a posi-trac, I’m talking about me. How long did you look for me before you gave up? How long were you riding in that car before you realized I wasn’t in it? Exactly how long?” – Joe Dirt

23. “There are three rules when dealin’ with a deadly alligator, and yes, they are deadly, don’t kid yourself. Rule number one, I’m number one. Ya hear that? I like to kid around. Rule two, the croc’s number two. Now before I begin—.” – Joe Dirt

24. “Well, I was born without the top of my skull and I guess a little bit of my brain was showing, and it was grossin’ everybody out. So my mom put this wig on me to cover it up, and then the bones grew together and it got all infused and entwined. I mean, I don’t mean to get all scientific with you.” – Joe Dirt

25. “Things get the darkest before dawn.” – Joe Dirt

26. “People like that security guard—they don’t really mean what they say. They just got their own issues and whatnot. All I got to do is keep bein’ . No matter what, good things’ll come my way.” – Joe Dirt

27. “Lose that frown. When you’re down, stare at a clown.” – Joe’s Mom

28. “No, I’m cool.” – Joe Dirt

29. “She’s your sister, dude, she’s gotta be. And you made out with her, man! What’s wrong with you, you pervert!” – Joe Dirt

30. “Watch the guns, , that’s how I get the gals.” – Joe Dirt

31. “Yep, left it at a friend’s house. Actually, it got towed away two years ago. But I’m pickin’ it up this afternoon. I might need a pretty little lady to sit in the front seat while I break her in. The car, I mean. So what do you say?” – Joe Dirt

32. “Sure would. Do you want to go back to my place?” – Jill

33. “Well I didn’t know she was my sister when I kissed her, so it’s not my fault. And she’s one of the hottest girls on the planet.” – Joe Dirt

34. “And you’ll be sticking your head out the window and check out chic dogs saying, ‘What’s up, baby?’” – Joe Dirt

35. “You just said your sister’s hot! What a fuhreak! You’re goin’ to hell, man! I gotta tell her what happened, why I got weird. And for god sakes, I gotta treat her like a sister.” – Joe Dirt

36. “If I told you that you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?” – Joe Dirt

37. “Wow, a Hemi. Balls to the wall. That’s a big ten-four.” – Jill

38. “Hell no man, I don’t listen to that crap! I’m a rocker dude through and through. Here’s my favorite bands—AC/DC, Van Halen, not Van Hagar, Skynyrd, Def Lep.” – Joe Dirt

39. “Here we go, I’m a bit of a crocophile, so don’t try this at home. This here’s Rocky, and he ain’t no puppy. Now, let’s see if Rocky’s got some cavities.” – Joe Dirt

40. “I’m not messin’ around! I hit it, and it goes bang. Alright? Now, while I’m up here waiting you, show me them boobies!” – Joe Dirt

41. “There you go. Someone shoves an M-80 up a bullfrog’s butt, blows him to pieces. He comes back to you to fix it. You win twice, brother. It’s good biz.” – Joe Dirt

42. “God Almighty, from inbred heaven? Hey, freak boy, 1976 called, it wants its hairstyle back.” – Zander Kelly

43. “Uh, no, that’s a space peanut.” – Joe Dirt

44. “Yeah, you want a match? My face and your ass! How ’bout that, friend? Huh? I mean, your ass and my face, what’s up?” – Joe Dirt

45. “Oh, when bad pets go bad, dang. It’s like the cartoons, I’m seein’ all ‘tweet tweet.’” – Joe Dirt

46. “They clean the bowl so you don’t have to! Hehehe, no, I didn’t.” – Joe Dirt

47. “Maybe if it came out of Charlene Tilton’s ass, I’d take a bite.” – Joe Dirt

48. “Look at him fellas! You cryin’, boy? You cryin’, boy? Maybe go back down to Mcdonalds, get you some whaa burgers and some french cries!” – Robby

49. “No, afraid not. That’s just a big ol’ frozen chunk of poopy.” – Meteor Bert

50. “What’s the deal with your hair? You doing stunt work for Billy Ray Cyrus?” – Zander Kelly

51. “You probably liked J.R., you queer. I saw your bumper sticker, ‘Cowboys’ butts drive me nuts.’” – Bullying Man 

52. “If my calculations are correct, this will create ice. Oh no, killer mustard gas!” – Joe Dirt

53. “Here on earth, we call this place a ‘town.’ A ‘town’ is a place where everyone hates you.” – Joe Dirt

54. “Your nuts are frozen to the porch. Oh, that sucks.” – Joe Dirt

55. “The guy doing the police sketches thought I was messing with him because my dad came out looking like Father Time and my mom came out looking too butch, and looking way too much like Richard Ramirez. You know the Night Stalker? Remember him?” – Joe Dirt

56. “Don’t try and church it up son. Don’t you mean Joe Dirt? Naming you that, your father must’ve really hated you.” – Security Guard

57. “Nunamaker! Nunamaker! That’s what my sister said on the way to the Grand Canyon! My last name’s Dirt, her last name’s Nunamaker! That’s my parents’ last name!” – Joe Dirt

58. “Yeah, man, that little boy, that’s me. My parents were—this was my home. I thought this was it this time.” – Joe Dirt

59. “I don’t mean to interrupt your clown pitch there, but–but how exactly do you not go right back to the place where you saw me?” – Joe Dirt

60. “My God! Oh, my clowns! Look at my clowns! I wish he never found us! Look what he did to my children! Oh, no! Hey! Hey, TV people! Hey, TV people!” – Joe’s Mom

61. “I checked my list of Rambler Wagons, and there it was: Nunamaker. Baton Rouge, Louisiana. I was finally home.” – Joe Dirt

62. “Hey, you’re grounded! Where are you all going? Hey, come on! You don’t have to follow him just because he’s going!” – Joe’s Dad

63. “I don’t care about that! And I don’t care about this! And I don’t want to see you for another 25 years!” – Joe Dirt

64. “All right! We didn’t lose him, we just left him. So what? The dude’s doing fine! Look at him!” – Joe’s Dad

65. “Good stuff? This is the good stuff, snakes and sparklers.” – Kicking Wing

66. “So you’re gonna tell me that you don’t have no , no Roman Candles, or screaming mimis? Oh come on, man. You got no lady fingers, fuzz buttles, snicker bombs, church burners, finger blasters, gut busters, zippity do das, or crap flappers?” – Joe Dirt

67. “Well, I see you got those snakes and sparklers. But where’s the good stuff, man?” – Joe Dirt

68. “Are you nuts, dude? You need stuff that’ll explode. Go ‘boom!’” – Joe Dirt

69. “No, because snakes and sparklers are the only ones I like.” – Kicking Wing

70. “You wanna fight? Why don’t you stick your head up my butt and fight for air.” – Joe Dirt

71. “You know I’d love to beat your ass all up and down this place but I gotta go back to work.” – Joe Dirt

72. “Does this look like a piece of crap to you? Like them spinnin’ tires, do you?” – Joe Dirt

73. “You really think you can match that slant 6 of yours against this 426 hemi? Huh? Well then let’s do it, little boy!” – Charlene

74. “That’s it! You and me, let’s go!” – Zeke

75. “Keep on, keepin’ on.” – Joe Dirt

76. “Comin’ to work, Joe Deertay.” – Joe Dirt

77. “Won’t kill you.” – Joe Dirt

78. “Turn it up.” – Joe Dirt

79. “That shit’ll buff out.” – Joe Dirt

80. “Did I get ya, Dirt?” – Robby

81. “The label looks very stern.” – Kicking Wing 

82. “Everybody knows that. God damn, boy.” – Old Cajun Man

83. “Why is that good?” – Kicking Wing

84. “Oh, it’s so flat!” – Railroad Boy

85. “Luckily, my neck broke my fall.” – Joe Dirt

86. “Right on. You’re Joe Meteorite and I’m Joe Dirt.” – Joe Dirt

87. “Wee, Auto Trader. Oh August, I don’t got this one.” – Joe Dirt

88. “Is that right? You think that’s queer? Is this queer?” – Joe Dirt

89. “Well, it ain’t a meteor.” – Meteor Bert

90. “I got a fart. You want that?” – Bullying Man 

91. “Well well, looky here. Corn off the cob.” – Joe Dirt

92. “Ma’am, you should never drink the bong water.” – Joe Dirt

93. “All aberration radio, all the time.” – Joe Dirt

94. “Joe Dirt, you’re fired. Here’s your week’s pay.” – Oil Rig Boss

95. “Oh yeah, see them airplanes, they dump their toilets 36,000 feet. The stuff freezes and falls to earth. We call ’em Boeing bombs.” – Meteor Bert

96. “He’ll stop humping as soon as he’s done.” – Miss Clipper

97. “Probably, because I’m sure that Yahweh would be chiming in too.” – Zander Kelly

98. “Can I push him off of me?” – Joe Dirt

99. “Hey! If you want to impress me, get a mullet hairstyle.” – Joe Dirt

100. “Well, today, I’m gonna be pickin’ up my Hemi Roadrunner. That’s right, I said, ‘Hemi.’” – Joe Dirt

101. “Now, this ain’t no flapjack, so I’m gonna be real careful, I won’t look.” – Joe Dirt

102. “This mofo knows not to mess with Sir Joseph Dirt.” – Joe Dirt

103. “Why don’t you go practice fallin’ down? I’ll be there in a minute.” – Joe Dirt

104. “Hey, to tell you the truth, brother, between you and me, that thing with the dog is comin’ off a little fruity. I mean, that’s just me talkin’. Hey, where’s my supplies?” – Joe Dirt

105. “It puts the lotion on it’s skin, or else it gets the hose again.” – Buffalo Bob

106. “What’s the story here, I’m a white trash idiot?” – Zander Kelly

107. “I would never do that, because one day I’m going to open an animal hospital.” – Kicking Wing

108. “They’re large and in charge, and they’re lookin’ for chickies.” – Joe Dirt

109. “Hey! How exactly is a rainbow made? How exactly does the sun set? How exactly does a posi-trac rear-end on a Plymouth work? It just does.” – Joe’s Dad

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