2. “But if you had regular hands, you’d be like everyone else.” – Audience Member

3. “I am not complete.” – Edward

4. “She never saw him again. Not after that night.” – Kim

5. “Sweetheart, you can’t buy the necessities of life with cookies.” – Bill

6. “Well, a long time ago, an inventor lived in that mansion. He made many things, I suppose. He also created a man. He gave him insides, a heart, a brain, everything. Well, almost everything. You see, the inventor was very old. He died before he got to finish the man he invented, so the man was left by himself—incomplete and all alone.” – Kim

7. “No matter what, Edward will always be special.” – Peg

8. “Don’t be ridiculous. You’re not handicapped, you’re—what do they call the—exceptional?” – Joyce

9. Interviewer: “What’s been the best part of your new life here in town, Edward?”

Edward: “The friends I’ve made.”

10. “Dear, stealing’s not the way to get it. Stealing’s not the way to get anything.” – Peg

11. “I know it is a little early for Christmas, Edward, but I have a present for you.” – The Inventor

12. “That was the single most thrilling experience of my entire life.” – Joyce

13. “Are you serious? I’m gonna lose you to that? He isn’t even human.” – Jim

14. Edward: “Goodbye.”

Kim: “I love you.”

15. “You’re here—they didn’t hurt you, did they? Were you scared? I tried to make Jim go back, but you can’t make Jim do anything.” – Kim


16. “All along I felt in my gut there was something wrong with him.” – Joyce

17. “Oh. Eddie, is there anything you can’t do? You take my very breath away, I swear. Look at this. Have you ever cut a woman’s hair? Would you cut mine?” – Joyce

18. Kim: “Hold me.”

Edward: “I can’t.”

19. “Before he came down here, it never snowed. And afterward, it did. I don’t think it would be snowing now if he weren’t still up there. Sometimes, you can still catch me dancing in it.” – Kim

20. “I’d give my left nut to see that again.” – Jim

21. “My, those are your hands? Those are your hands! What happened to you? Where are your parents? Um—your mother? Your father?” – Peg

22. “Jim, I don’t love you anymore. I just want you to go, okay? Just go.” – Kim

23. “No, sweetheart. I’m an old woman now. I would rather have him remember me the way I was.” – Kim

24. “Edward, I was so afraid. I thought you were dead.” – Kim

25. “Forget about holding her hand, man. Think about the damage he could do to other places.” – Jim

26. Granddaughter: “How do you know?”

Kim: “Because I was there.”

27. “Edward, I think you should just come home with me.” – Peg

28. “Are you alone? Do you live up here all by yourself? What happened to your face? No, I won’t hurt you. But at the very least, let me give you a good astringent. And this will help to prevent infection. What’s your name?” – Peg

29. Kim: “Well, then why’d you do it?”

Edward: “Because you asked me to.”

30. “How about it, Edward? Is there some special lady in your life?” – TV Host

31. Granddaughter: “He didn’t have a name?”

Kim: “Of course he had a name. His name was Edward.”

32. “It’s not heaven he’s from, it’s straight from the stinking flames of hell. The power of Satan is in him, I can feel it.“ – Esmeralda

33. “The light concealing cream goes on first. Then you blend, and blend, and blend. Blending is the secret.” – Peg

34. “I know a doctor who might be able to help you.” – Audience Member

35. “Well, this must be quite a change for you, right, Ed?” – Bill

36. “The years spent in isolation not equipped him with the tools necessary to judge right from wrong. He’s had no context. He’s been completely without guidance. Furthermore his work, the garden sculptures, hairstyles, and so forth, indicate that he’s highly imaginative of—character. It seems clear that his awareness of what we call reality is radically underdeveloped.” – Psychologist

37. “Have you sheep strayed so far from the flock?” – Esmeralda

38. “So Edward, did you have a productive day?” – Bill

39. “No, no, son. That’s a terrible idea. We don’t want him rusting up on us, do we?” – Bill

40. “You could’ve gone up there, you still could go.” – Granddaughter

41. “He’s dead. The roof caved in on them. They killed each other. You can see for yourselves. See?” – Kim

42. “Yeah, it is shish-ka-bob. It’s a figure of speech, Ed.” – Bill

43. “Snuggle in, sweetie. It’s cold out there.” – Kim

44. “Kevin! Would you like it if someone was staring at you?” – Peg

45. “Mrs. Monroe, showed me where the salon’s going to be.” – Edward

46. “I can’t believe you sheep have strayed so far from the path of righteousness!” – Esmeralda

47. “Drop your weapons! I’m asking you one more time. This is your last warning, drop your weapons! If you fail to do so, we’ll have to open fire!!” – Officer Allen

48. “Because my father keeps the damn room locked. We need Edward to get us in.” – Jim

49. “Damn them all to hell.” – Bill

50. “You can’t touch anything without destroying it! Who the hell do you think you are hanging around here, huh? Get the hell outta here! Go you freak!” – Jim

51. “I can’t eat that, he used his hands. I think it’s unsanitary.” – Suzanne

52. “Edward, dear. I think he prefers Edward.” – Peg

53. “Darn this stuff!” – Peg

54. “He has been sent first to tempt you. But it’s not too late. You must push him from you, expel him! Trample down the perversion of nature!?” – Esmeralda

55. “Stay back! Touch her again and I’ll kill you.” – Jim

56. “Well Peg, have you gone blind? Can’t you see there’s a vehicle in my driveway?” – Joyce

57. “Hey! I said, ‘Stay away from her!'” – Jim

58. “Put your hands high in the air where we can see them! Your hands up!” – Officer Allen

59. “Are you nuts? I just saw him!” – Jim

60. “Call a doctor. He skewered Kim!” – Jim

61. “It must have been awful when they told you whose house it was.” – Kim

62. “You could have a cosmetics counter.” – Edward

63. “And then she showed me the back room where she took all of her clothes off.” – Edward

64. “No, not since last season. Today, I’ve come to show you our exquisite new line in softer colors in shadows, blushes, and lipstick. Everything you need to accent and highlight your changing look.” – Peg

65. “Why is it snowing, ? Where does it come from?” – Granddaughter

66. “It’s just a scratch, Jim, really. It’s okay.” – Kim

67. “Edward, this is our daughter Kim. Kim, this is Edward, who’s gonna live with us.” – Peg

68. “He’s got something in his hands. Looks like knives.” – Policeman

69. “Hey, can I bring him to show and tell on Monday?” – Kevin

70. “Well, can’t you just take the key when he’s sleeping or something?” – Kim

71. Edward: “Where is everybody?”

Kim: “Out looking for you.”

72. “Shame on you, keeping your unusual guest all to yourself. We think that’s mighty selfish of you.” – Joyce

73. “Okay, a little ethics. You are walking down the street. You find a suitcase full of money. There’s nobody around. No human person is in evidence. What do you do?” – Bill

74. “No, it, it’s—things have just been a little hectic around here. That’s all.” – Peg

75. “Well, all right. Let’s see—I guess it would have to start with scissors.” – Kim

76. “We’re not sheep!” – Edward

77. Edward: “Kevin, you wanna play scissors, paper, stone again?”

Kevin: “No!”

Edward: “Why not?”

Kevin: “’Cause it’s boring. I always win!”

78. “We’re looking for the man with the hands.” – Officer Allen

79. “Eddie. The guys and I were talking, we’d like want to invite you to our card game on Friday night. Would you like that? Only thing is, you can’t cut!” – George

80. “You know—damn those TV programs!” – Peg

81. “Don’t worry. I’m as harmless as cherry puh—puh.” – Peg

82. “Man, those things are cool. You know, I bet they’re razor-sharp. One karate chop to a guy’s neck.” – Kevin

83. “I thought this was shish kabob.” – Edward

84. .”You don’t know about the wonderful world of teenage girls. They’re all crazy. I don’t know what it is. They reach a certain age, they develop these gland things, their bodies swell up, puff! They go crazy.” – Bill

85. “Okay, everybody. Grab your plates. Soup’s on!” – Bill

86. “Kevin! Edward—would you like some butter for your bread? Great!” – Peg

87. “Hello? Hello? Hello? Avon calling. Oh, my. Hello? Hello? I’m Peg Boggs. I’m your local Avon representative. Hello? I—I’m sorry to barge in like this, but you don’t have any reason to be afraid. Ooh! This is some huge house, isn’t it? Thank goodness for those aerobics—classes. Hello? Hello?” – Peg

88. “You don’t understand. The only thing that guy hangs onto tighter is his dick.” – Jim

89. “Oh, that was so sweet of you to want to correct the situation. What time does the barbecue begin?” – Joyce

90. “Knock it off, bubble-butt.” – Jim

91. “I knew it was Jim’s house.” – Edward

92. “He didn’t wake up.” – Edward

93. “How do you know he’s still alive?” – Granddaughter

94. “Oh, that’s a long story, sweetheart.” – Kim

95. “Kevin, I’ve had enough.” – Peg

96. “He tried to hurt you.” – Jim 

97. “Just get out of here okay? Just go!” – Kim

98. “Stop It! Or I’ll kill you myself!” – Kim

99. “Will he be okay, Doc?” – Officer Allen

100. “Don’t come near me!” – Esmeralda

101. “My name’s Joyce, and I noticed that you have not tasted any of the ambrosia salad that I made especially for you. Allow me.” – Joyce

102. “Look, there’s a guy who will give us cash for this stuff.” – Jim

103. “Well, don’t you know that means I’m busy?” – Joyce

104. “Let us pretend that we are in the drawing room and the hostess is serving tea.” – Bill

105. “Hi, George Monroe. Woah. That’s a heck of a handshake you got there, Ed.” – George

106. “Especially his own son. If Edward tells, I’ll kill him.” – Jim

107. “Oh, I can see that I’ve disturbed you. I’ll just be going now.” – Peg

108. “Jim, it’s your house. They can’t arrest you for setting off your own alarm. We’ll just tell them we were breaking in.” – Kim

109. “Do you imagine those hands are hot or cold? Just think what a single snip could do.” – Joyce

110. “Did you hear that? He’s a perversion of nature. Why isn’t that exciting?” – Joyce


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