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100 Ace Ventura Quotes on Timeless Humor & More

And don’t forget to check out these and .

1. “Lovely party. Pity I wasn’t invited.” – Ace Ventura

2. “Be careful with that phone, lieutenant. In time, you could develop a tumor.” – Ace Ventura

3. “If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.” – Ace Ventura

4. “I came to confess. I was the second gunman on the Grassy Knoll.” – Ace Ventura

5. “That’s none of your damn business and I’ll thank you to stay out of my personal affairs.” – Ace Ventura

6. “Tom Ace. A pleasure to meet you, Mr. Camp, and congratulations on all your success. You smell terrific.” – Ace Ventura

7. “Okay, I threw it in a cave! What do you want from me? What are you, Mr. Perfect?” – Ace Ventura

8. “Yes, Satan? Sorry sir, you sounded like someone else.” – Ace Ventura

9. “Excuse me, I’d like to ass you a few questions.” – Ace Ventura

10. “That was a close one, ladies and gentlemen, of course in every contest, there must be a loser. Lew-who, za-her.” – Ace Ventura

11. “Of course—how selfish of me. Let’s do all the things you want to do.” – Ace Ventura

12. “Einhorn is Finkle. Finkle is Einhorn! Einhorn is a man! Oh my God! Einhorn is a man!” – Ace Ventura

13. “Well, I’m not really ready for a relationship, Lois, but thank you for asking. Hey, maybe I’ll give you a call sometime. Your number is still 911? Alrighty then.” – Ace Ventura

14. “Hi, I’m looking for Ray Finkle—and a clean pair of shorts.” – Ace Ventura

15. “Is it number one or number two? I just want to know how much time I have.” – Ace Ventura

16. “I have exorcised the demons—this house is clear.” – Ace Ventura

17. “I’m sorry. Could you please speak into my good ear? I thought I heard you call me Ace.” – Ace Ventura

18. “Well, a reward would be nice. I sustained some damage to my vehicle. Had to fill it with premium.” – Ace Ventura

19. “Warning. Assholes are closer than they appear.” – Ace Ventura

20. “Once you get inside my head, there’s no turning back baby.” – Ace Ventura

21. “Well, everything here seems good! Big load off my mind, aw God. You can speculate all you want, but unless you check it out for yourself, you never know. We should head back now.” – Ace Ventura

22. “I’m ready to go in, coach, just give me a chance. I know there’s a lot of riding on it, but it’s all psychological. Just gotta stay in a positive frame of mind.” – Ace Ventura

23. “Fiction can be fun, but I find the reference section a little more enlightening.” – Ace Ventura

24. “You don’t have to tell me. I was there.” – Ace Ventura

25. “Mr. Shickadance, I told you—you’re my first priority. I’m in a very big case right now.” – Ace Ventura

26. “Hmm-mmm. I don’t smoke. It’s a disgusting habit.” – Ace Ventura

27. “That’s a true Albino pigeon. Some rich guy lost it. He’s offering a $25,000 reward. As soon as I find this bird, you’re paid.” – Ace Ventura

28. “She’s not Lois Einhorn! She’s Ray Finkle, she’s a man.” – Ace Ventura

29. “I just can’t do it, captain, I don’t have the power!” – Ace Ventura

30. “Good night, everybody. You’ve been a wonderful audience, I’ll be here all week. Be sure to tip your waitress.” – Ace Ventura

31. “It’s alive. It’s alive!” – Ace Ventura

32. “Like-a-glove.” – Ace Ventura

33. “Quick decision.” – Ace Ventura

34. “Alllllllrighty then!” – Ace Ventura

35. “Oh yeah? And you’re ugly.” – Ace Ventura

36. “Guano. Sounds so familiar.” – Ace Ventura

37. “Holy testicle Tuesday.” – Ace Ventura

38. “Gee, let me think. Um, sure!” – Ace Ventura

39. “Come to me, jungle friends.” – Ace Ventura

40. “All right! Take care now! Bye-bye, then!” – Ace Ventura

41. “Well, I have kissed a man.” – Ace Ventura

42. “Go ahead. Snoop around!” – Ace Ventura

43. “So, animals can sense evil!” – Ace Ventura

44. “Well? Are you satisfied?” – Ace Ventura

45. “Poor guy with a motive, baby.” – Ace Ventura

46. “For God’s sake, Jim, I’m a doctor, not a pool man!” – Ace Ventura

47. “I gotta go guys! I gotta date with your mothers!” – Ace Ventura

48. “What? Like this? Good evening, Captain Stubing. How are gopher and doc this evening? Aaallrighty, then.” – Ace Ventura

49. “Your gun is digging into my hip.” – Ace Ventura

50. “Well, why don’t you cry about it. Saddlebags.” – Ace Ventura

51. “Uncle Fester is looking for you.” – Ace Ventura

52. “Martha Metz? Oh, yeah, the bitch.” – Ace Ventura

53. “Why do you care about Snowflake? Do you know him? Does he call you at home?” – Ace Ventura

54. “Do you have a dorsal fin? To train ze dolphin you must zink like ze dolphin! You must be getting inside ze dolphin’s head. I am saying to Snowflake, ‘Akay! Akay, akay, akay?’ And he is saying, ‘Akay akay!’ And he is up on ze tail, ‘Eeeeeeeeee!’ And you can quote him!” – Ace Ventura

55. “I want to fight—go to hell!” – Ace Ventura

56. “Good question, Aguado. First, I’d establish a motive. In this case the killer saw the size of the bug’s dick, and became insanely jealous.” – Ace Ventura

57. Ronald Camp: “I’m terribly sorry, Mr. Ace. I’ll have the plumbing checked immediately.”

Ace Ventura: “Well I hope so, had I been drinking out of the toilet, I might have been killed.”

58. “Cadby: “Something wrong, Mr. Ventura?”

Ace Ventura: “Of course not. This is a lovely room of death. Take care now, bye-bye then.” 

59. “We’re talking mental institute escapee. I saw the guy’s room. Cozy if you’re Hannibal Lecter!” – Ace Ventura

60. “But if I am mistaken—if the Lieutenant is indeed a woman, as she claims to be—then, my friend, she is suffering from the worst case of hemorrhoids I have ever seen!” – Ace Ventura

61. “Say hello to my stinky little friend!” – Ace Ventura

62. “Thought I left, didn’t ya?” – Ace Ventura

63. Mr. Finkle: “Are you another one of those ‘hard copy’ guys?”

Ace Ventura: “No sir, I’m just a very big Finkle fan, This is my graceland.” 

64. “I never bring my work home with me, sir.” – Ace Ventura

65. “Ah! Nobody wants to play with me!” – Ace Ventura

66. “I’m in Psychoville and Finkle’s the mayor.” – Ace Ventura

67. “Excuse me sir, but do you have a mint? Perhaps some Binaca?” – Ace Ventura

68. “Excuse me, gentleman. Pet Detective. Come on, what’s the matter with you? Can’t you hit me?” – Ace Ventura

69. “I’ll have you know that I have the reflexes of a cat and the speed of a mongoose. Throw it. I dare you!” – Ace Ventura

70. “Repent! And thou shall be saved.” – Ace Ventura

71. “I’m gonna execute a button-hook pattern, super slo-mo.” – Ace Ventura

72. “Tonight on Miami Vice, Crockett gets the boss some coffee.” – Ace Ventura

73. “Thanks! Stuff probably looks better on the way out, huh?” – Ace Ventura

74. “Heads up! Good defense! Good defense!” – Ace Ventura

75. “Spank you, helpy helperton.” – Ace Ventura

76. Ace Ventura: “Idiot!”

Swoop: “What?”

Ace Ventura: “You realize what’ve you just done? You just cost me twenty-five grand, Polly.” 

77. “Receipts, what about receipts? There’s gotta be receipts.” – Ace Ventura

78. “Ace Ventura, pet detective. I’ve been sent in with a special play. Quarterback sneak.” – Ace Ventura

79. “And you must be the monopoly guy! Hey, thanks for the free parking!” – Ace Ventura

80. “Whew—now I feel better. ‘Course, that might not do any good; you see nobody’s missing a porpoise. It’s a dolphin that’s been taken.” – Ace Ventura

81. “Pride is an abomination. One must forego the self to obtain total spiritual creaminess and avoid the chewy chunks of degradation.” – Ace Ventura

82. “Gee, Chuck, the date started out good. Just before we got to the party she seemed to tense up.” – Ace Ventura

83. “Hmmm, unconscious. Exactly as I planned.” – Ace Ventura

84. “So far no signs of aquatic life, but I’m going to find it. If I have to tear this universe another black hole, I’m going to find it. I’ve got to, mister.” – Ace Ventura

85. Ace Ventura: “Don’t kill me! Please! I’ll never tell anyone, I swear—he’s the one you want! Kill him!” 

Dan Marino: “No, kill him! He’s the detective!”

Ace Ventura: “No, kill him! He held the ball wrong, remember! Come on, look at the guy!”

86. “You know, you are just mad because your stupid little pebble theory didn’t work out and you don’t know how to express your anger.” – Melissa Robinson 

87. “No, the guy with the rubber glove was surprisingly gentle.” – Ace Ventura

88. “I have to have money to buy food. I have to have a dolphin to get the money. I don’t see a dolphin around here, do you?” – Ace Ventura

89. “Most likely, sir. I’ll bet it was something nice, though.” – Ace Ventura

90. “That’s why Roger Podacter is dead! He found Captain Winkie!” – Ace Ventura

91. Fulton: “My name is Fulton Greenwall, and I’m looking for an Ace Ventura.”

Lama: “No man here carries with him a label.”

Fulton: “What? Oh, no names. How silly of me. Well, um, he’s an American.”

Lama: “We are all children of the same life force.”

92. “This is double-paned soundproof glass. There is no way that neighbor could’ve heard Roger Podacter scream on the way down with that door shut. The scream she heard came from inside the apartment before he was thrown over the balcony and the murderer closed the door before he left.” – Ace Ventura

93. Ace Ventura: “Wow, Ray Finkle’s house, I can’t wait to meet him.”

Mr. Finkle: “Ray ain’t coming home.”

Ace Ventura: “But your wife said you expect him home any minute.”

Mr. Finkle: “She expects him home any minute. See, the engine’s running but there’s nobody behind the wheel.”

94. Ace Ventura: “Alrighty then. I have a package for you.”

Neighbor: “Sounds broken.”

95. “Never mind the wisecracks, Ventura—you owe me rent.” – Mr. Shickadance

96. “I’m really going out on a limb here, Ventura. Camp’s social events are strictly A-list.” –  Melissa Robinson

97. “Captain’s log, stardate 23.9, rounded off to the nearest decimal point. We’ve traveled back in time to save an ancient species from total annihilation.” – Ace Ventura

98. “How would you like me to make your life a living hell?” – Lois Einhorn

99. Ace Ventura: “Not to worry, Ouda is probably going for help right now.”

Ouda: “Hello, Ace! They found me! No sweat!”

Ace Ventura: “Don’t beat yourself up.”

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