2. “You’re gonna need a blanket and suntan lotion, ‘cause you’re never gonna get off that beach, just like the way you never got into the NHL, ya jackass.” – Jeering fan

3. “Hey, why don’t I just go eat some hay, make things out of clay, lay by the bay? I just may! What’d ya say?” – Happy Gilmore

4. “You can trouble me for a warm glass of shut-the-hell-up.” – Orderly Nurse

5. “What? I didn’t break it. I was just testing its durability.” – Happy Gilmore 

6. “The price is wrong, bitch!” – Happy Gilmore

7. “You little son of a bitch ball! Why don’t you just go home? That’s your home! Are you too good for your home?” – Happy Gilmore

8. “It’s all in the hips. It’s all in the hips. It’s all in the hips.” – Chubbs Peterson

9. “And you can count on me, waiting for you in the parking lot.” – Mr. Larson

10. “But she’s an old lady. I mean, look at her. She’s old. You can’t just take her stuff. She’s too old.” – Happy Gilmore

11. “Damned alligator just popped up, cut me down on my prime.” – Carl Weathers

12. “Lot of pressure. You’ve gotta rise above it. You’ve got to harness in the good energy, block out the bad.” – Gary Potter

13. “Some might call it luck. I like to call it—well, luck, I guess. So what?” – Happy Gilmore

14. “Damn you, people. Go back to your shanties.” – Shooter McGavin


15. “I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast!” – Shooter McGavin

16. “Green jacket, gold jacket, who gives a crap?” – Happy Gilmore

17. “Just tap it in. Just tap it in. Give it a little tappy, tap, tap, taparoo.” – Happy Gilmore

18. “Did that go in? I wasn’t watching, did it go in? I didn’t see it, could you tell me if it went in?” – Happy Gilmore

19. “I’m stupid. You’re smart. I was wrong. You were right. You’re the best. I’m the worst. You’re very good looking. I’m not attractive.” – Happy Gilmore

20. “I’d love to punch that guy in the face right now. But I can’t, you know, because I’d get in trouble. I bet you get a lot of that on ‘Let’s make a deal.’” – Happy Gilmore

21. “I am good. You know what, you’re a lousy kindergarten teacher. I’ve seen those finger-paintings you bring home and they suck.” – Happy Gilmore

22. “You were great out there today. But not that great. A lot of that was luck.” – Chubbs Peterson

23. “Yeah, it is about time! I mean I just couldn’t get the ball in the hole! I wanted to but I just couldn’t do it!” – Happy Gilmore

24. “Uh oh, Happy learned how to putt.” – Happy Gilmore

25. “I got into this tournament for one reason—money. And now I have a new reason—kicking your ass!” – Happy Gilmore

26. “Nah, it looks that way cause you’ve only got one shoe on.” – Happy Gilmore

27. “What? Friends listen to ‘Endless Love’ in the dark.” – Happy Gilmore

28. “That’s my puck baby. Don’t ever touch my puck!” – Happy Gilmore

29. “Damn alligator bit my hand off!” – Chubbs Peterson


30. “You eat pieces of shit for breakfast?” – Happy Gilmore

31. “If I saw myself in clothes like that, I’d have to kick my own ass.” – Happy Gilmore

32. “I think I just killed that mister, Mister Lady.” – Happy Gilmore

33. “You know what else could draw a crowd? A golfer with an arm growing out of his ass.” – Shooter McGavin

34. “Yeah, right. And Grizzly Adams had a beard.” – Shooter McGavin

35. “It’s great, the other day one of his fans moaned me. He had Happy written on his ass. HA on the one cheek, and sure enough PPY on the other.” – Shooter McGavin

36. “I’ll make you a bet. If you get this puck into that net, I’ll never bother you again. But if you miss, you have to give me a big fat kiss. And you have to pretend you like it too.” – Happy Gilmore

37. “Oh, you can count. Good for you.” – Shooter McGavin

38. “All you ever talk about is becoming a pro hockey player, but there’s a problem—you’re not any good.” – Terry

39. “Thank you, Doug. You know, I saw Doug playing yesterday. And I’ve got to tell you, this guy spends more time on the sand than David Hasselhoff.” – Shooter McGavin

40. “You’re in my world now, grandma.” – Orderly Nurse

41. “I tell you, the real winner today is the city of Portland. Every time I come here it gets hard to leave. I bet you put something in the water.” – Shooter McGavin

42. “Holy shit. Talk about your all-time backfires.” – Happy Gilmore

43. “What are you doing, Happy? Riding a bull? You’re acting like a damn fool!” – Chubbs Peterson

44. “I’ll bet your neighbor the accountant doesn’t have a shot at joining the pro tour and winning the championships. Get that gold jacket like I never got.” – Chubbs Peterson


45. “This is golf. Not a rock concert.” – Shooter McGavin

46. “Golf requires goofy pants and a fat ass. You should talk to my neighbor, the accountant. Probably a great golfer. Huge ass.” – Happy Gilmore

47. “There is no way that you could have been as bad at hockey as you are at golf.” – Bob Barker

48. “I can’t believe you’re a professional golfer. I think you should be working at the snack bar.” – Bob Barker

49. “Golf requires concentration and focus.” – Chubbs Peterson

50. “Golf’s no different from hockey. It requires talent and self-discipline.” – Chubbs Peterson

51. “You know what’s driving me crazy? You’re not getting the ball in the hole!” – Bob Baker

52. “Stop fraternizing with the help of Gilmore. Just hit your ball if you can find it.” – Shooter McGavin

53. “Just easing the tension, baby. Just easing the tension.” – Chubbs Peterson

54. “What’s this I hear about you breaking a rake and throwing it in the woods?” – Virginia Venit

55. “During high school, I played junior hockey and still hold two league records. Most time spent in the penalty box and I was the only guy to ever take off his skate and try to stab somebody.” – Happy Gilmore

56. “Whoa, must be Burt Reynolds or somethin’.” – Happy Gilmore

57. “Just stay out of my way or you’ll pay. Listen to what I say.” – Shooter McGavin

58. “I thought we were going to be just friends?” – Virginia Venit 

58. “Here, eat that and leave us alone!” – Happy Gilmore

60. “Yeah, well we won’t have to worry about eating anymore, Grandma. See, they gave me this card—free subway for life.” – Happy Gilmore

61. “Well now your backs are gonna hurt, cause you just pulled landscaping duty. Anyone else’s fingers hurt?” – Orderly Nurse

62. Chubbs Peterson: “They never let me play on the pro tour.”

Happy Gilmore: “Oh, I’m sorry. Because you’re Black?”

63. “Who the hell is Happy Gilmore?” – Announcer

64. “Mister! Mister! Get me outta here!” – Crazy Old Lady

65. “Now you’re gonna get it Bobby.” – Happy Gilmore

66. “I was just looking for the other half of this bottle.” – Happy Gilmore

67. “I beg to differ, Happy Gilmore accomplished that feat no more than an hour ago.” – Mr. Larson

68. “Now you’ve had enough, bitch.” – Bob Barker

69. “I don’t want a piece of you. I want the whole thing!” – Bob Barker

70. “We haven’t seen Happy Gilmore play this badly since his first day on tour. He and Bob Barker are now dead.” – Announcer

71. “Shooter! Wanna go to the sizzler and catch some grub?” – Donald

72. “Somebody’s closer.” – Happy Gilmore

73. “You’re pretty sick, Chubbs.” – Happy Gilmore

74. “Quite a large and economically diverse crowd here at the Michelob Invitational.” – Announcer

75. “Take one more step, I burn the house and piss on the ashes.” – Shooter McGavin

76. “Spoken like a true asshole.” – Chubbs Peterson

77. “He shouldn’t have been standing there.” – Happy Gilmore

78. “Good news, everybody, we’re extending arts and crafts time by four hours today.” – Orderly Nurse

79. “Well, You’re a little banged up but no serious injuries. Just keep off your feet for a few days.” – Doctor


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