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And make sure to check out these and .

1. “That is pure f*ck*ng insanity.” – Dante

2. “It’s a wonderful dandelion—nettle blend. Very cleansing. Good for new beginnings.” – Mr. Cheezle

3. “So, you can’t kill the demon at the end of level six? Do you have the magic arrows? Easy, here’s what you do. Hide behind the boulder. When the demon comes out of the cave, shoot him three times with the magic arrows. Then his head will start to spin. Once that happens, you jump up on the boulder, you do a flying downward thrust with the sword of doom, and that’s it—level six is done.” – Alex 

4. “Dude, your bed’s a car.” – Alex

5. “I don’t know, man. I got a business to run. This is like my office as well as my home. Plus, the lion comes in a couple days.” – Dante

6. “Dr. Shakalu brought me some crazy Zimbabwe weed that turns you into a .” – Dante

7. “You can’t get stoned and be an accountant. You make too many mistakes, you lose people millions of dollars, you get fired.” – Alex

8. “Yeah. I’m thinking of getting metal legs. It’s a risky operation, but it’ll be worth it.” – J.P.

9. “Dude, you can get past a dog. Nobody f*cks with a lion.” – Dante

10. “I can hear my hair growing. You want some soup?” – Grandma Lilly

11. “I can’t believe you came on my . You might be the biggest perv in the world right now.” – Jeff

12. “School—I didn’t need school. All I ever cared about were video games, and they’ve made me a millionaire. So, maybe I don’t know what the civil war was, or who invented the helicopter, even though I own one, but I did beat The Legend of Zelda before I could walk.” – J.P.

13. Barry: “Hey, Dante. My girlfriend and I caught you on the news the other night.”

Dante: “No sh*t. And by girlfriend do you mean that piece of rabbit fur you rub on your dick every night?”

14. “What is that ringing? Do I have a tumor?” – Dante


16. “Where do you get your weed?” – Dante

17. “You were a dirty, old whore.” – Jeff

18. “I once gave Charlie Chaplin a handjob.” – Grace

19. “That’s right monkey, play my head!” – Dante

20. “My name is J.P. I am a robot. I like robots. I have a robot vagina.” – Jeff

21. “Oh my God! I am naked! Come on in!” – Jeff

22. “Johnny? Who the f*ck is Johnny?” – Alex

23. “You’re not jerking off on my dad.” – Jeff

24. “I’ll smoke it with ya bro, we’ll go to the loony bin together. I don’t give a f*ck.” – Dante

25. Alex: “Hey, Timmy, can I crash at your place tonight?”

Timmy: “Why? So you can jerk off with my mom?”

Alex: “Jeff’s a f*ck*ng liar, Timmy!”

15. “My grandma drank all my pot.” – Alex

26. “Your sh*t’s weak! Wizzeak!” – Jeff

27. “Dude, jerking off on my mom is one thing, but doing your and her two roommates, that’s like, legendary!” – Jeff

28. “Dude, your *ss is tanner than my face.” – Alex 

29. Alex: “Hey, Speed Racer. Did you valet your bed?”

Jeff: “No, I self-parked it in your *ssh*le.”

30. “Thanks, Alex. Maybe tomorrow you can introduce them to heroin.” – Grace

31. “They’ll massage your dick for money.” – Big Mover

32. “I mean, how many people can say that in a lifetime?” – Jeff

33. “I didn’t wanna disturb you—you were balls deep in that turtle with a thumb in your mouth.” – Alex

34. “Yeah, I already sh*t my pants this month.” – Barry

35. “At least I have a bush!” – Alex

36. “Come on, Lara. My c*ck is lost in the jungle and it’s up to you to find it. Oh, Lara you dirty dirty adventurer. Let’s see what’s under your skirt. Lara, no panties? You know I like that.” – Alex

37. “Oh, oh, oh my God! I’m sorry, I can’t stop cumming, I’m sorry! Oh-ho-ho, It feels so good!” – Alex

38. “Don’t judge me, monkey!” – Alex

39. “Dude, you do know that lions eat deer right?” – Alex

40. “Hi, I’m Jeff. I have a bush too—it’s not gray.” – Jeff

41. “This is like if Tyson fought an infant.” – Alex

42. “Line up you f*ckin’ nerds. Who wants a shot at the champ?!” – Jeff

43. “That’s great, Bobby, but we don’t have Dance Dance Revolution, so—you’re dumb.” – Alex 

44. “Of course she doesn’t have a microwave. She’s f*ck*ng a hundred.” – Alex

45. “I hate violence, but drugs are bad.” – Grandma Lilly

46. “Do you need a stuffed animal? I have a dog. I think I have a bear. Yeah, I have a bear.” – Jeff

47. “Hey, J.P. That’s a great outfit. How much do clothes cost in The Matrix?” – Alex

48. “So, I mean, what’s it like being old? It’s gotta be weird, right? I mean, you saw a lotta stuff go down. World War I, World War II, the automobile, , I mean.” – Jeff

49. “Uh-uh, wait your turn. I’m on a roll here. Take that, you dirty dopers.” – Grandma Lilly

50. “I didn’t know you were bringing people. I would’ve trimmed my antlers!” – Grace

51. “Because when you smoke it you get so stoned that you sh*t your pants! Hahahaha!” – Dante

52. “I’m way too baked to drive to the Devil’s house.” – Dante

53. “He would have had 20! No, he had a problem.” – Grandma Lilly

54. “Oh, you can stay as long as you like and love any man you choose!” – Grace

55. “Oh, I just wish he would hop off the box and hang out with us, I think he’s so cute!” – Grandma Lilly

56. “I had a dream last night. I was a snake slithering through the grass, until I came upon a dead elk, and I climbed into his soul, and it’s there I stayed until morning, which meant I would underestimate someone very close to me.” – Mr. Cheezle

57. “Fair enough, yeah, rage it up. Rage all you want. Good things are coming. Good things.” – Mr. Cheezle

58. “You’re dead to me, over.” – Jeff

59. “I had a dream last night. I dreamt I was a dove flying over the sea. And then I dove into the ocean. And I swam with the dolphins. I was two animals joined as one, which meant—good things are coming. Good things.” – Mr. Cheezle

60. “I am not amused.” – J.P.

61. “Yeah. Well, that’s what old people do. They fall asleep.” – J.P.

62. “No. I just don’t like techno.” – Kane

63. “The phone’s for you. I think it’s the Devil.” – Dante

64. “I’ll run over your attitude. It sucks.” – Jeff

65. “Please sit on my face.” – J.P.

66. “That’s quite a buffet you have there.” – Alex

67. “You will never have metal legs.” – J.P.

68. “I want you to drink from my man faucet.” – Jeff

69. “Whoa, chill bro! You know you can’t raise your voice like that when the lion’s here.” – Dante

70. “You want an ice cream sandwich? They’re on whole wheat with lettuce.” – Grandma Lilly

71. “Ooh, dinner time. Oh, f*ck! Damn! C*cks*ck*ng f*ck*r *ss f*ck! Ohhh! God damn it!” – Alex

72. “That’s cool, if you wanna be sober and vomit.” – Jeff

73. “They’re not hookers, they’re massage therapists.” – Josh

74. “So funny I forgot to laugh. Ehehe.” – J.P.

75. “You know what else you’re not gonna get, party pooper? The Colonel! Here you go sweetie. Sucks to be you nerd!” – Grandma Lilly

76. “Let’s do it. The levels, I mean, not sex.” – Jeff

77. “You’re f*ck*n’ weird man.” – Alex

78. “What’s goin’ on, sh*tlips?” – Jeff

79. “Don’t slit your wrists Kane, I’m here.” – Alex

80. “There was this fire and I was trying to save it from this baby.” – Alex

81. “I shoulda’ worn a condom.” – Jeff

82. “Ya, it was my roommates. They’re crazy, they tied me up. I was like one of those little calfs at the rodeo, all helpless, and you know right when I was about to call the police—I came—and that felt nice.” – Alex

83. “I have to pee out of my *ss.” – Jeff

84. “Oh, yes! Finally a roommate who goes shopping. Chicken cutlet, spaghetti with garlic bread, oh, my God, the wings to go with the breast, I don’t know what you are but I’m gonna f*ck*ng eat you, too.” – Alex

85. “What does high score mean? New high score, is that bad? What does that mean? Did I break it?” – Jeff

86. “Do you have bathrooms here, or do I have to sh*t in a plant?” – Jeff

87. “Okay, so who wants to hear about my STD from the silent film era? Yeah, put your hands up for that one. This chick’s p*ss* smelled like the great depression.” – Jeff

88. “Big news from the party. Barry sucked on his first boobie!” – Jeff

89. “Who wants to hear about my bl*wj*b from the World War? Yeah. A little Hiroshima on my balls.” – Jeff

90. “Who wants to know what Jackie Gleason’s balls tasted like? Yes, cornbread.” – Jeff

91. “That Grace sure makes me feel warm and welcome.” – Alex

92. “Hello? Cool. I hope it’s a naked dude with a boner.” – Jeff

93. “Well, you’d be bitter too if you had four husbands die on you.” – Grandma Lilly

94. “I want to get you a black cobra just to go around the neck.” – J.P.

95. “I hate your face!” – J.P.

96. “Alex, I make you a special deal. I’ll give you five minutes to grab all the sh*t you don’t want thrown out, but if you take one extra minute, my friends will take your testicles and remove them, through your anus!” – Yuri

97. “Stupid f*ck*ng idiot! Red-shirted *ss! You guys think you’re so f*ck*ng cool, it makes me sick! ‘Oh, let’s go make fun of the vegans, and their crazy lifestyle!’ We’re not hurting anyone! Go eat a hamburger and choke on a cow dick!” – Shiloh

98. “Eat that frog dick Timmy!” – Jeff

99. Jeff: “Grace, I have something to confess.”

Grace: “What’s that?”

Jeff: “You were my first.”

Grace: “Really? Oh, that’s sweet. You were my 3,000-something.”

100. “Looking back, the lion was a bad idea. That’s why Dr. Shakalu is gonna hook us up with a monkey. I’m gonna teach it taekwondo.” – Dante

101. Alex: “You remember Lara?”

Jeff: “Yes I do, and she already has a cold sore. What a surprise.”

102. “I’ll give you my grandson’s number, he’s gay too.” – Grace

103. “Go monkey! Karate chop the elephant!” – Dante

104. “Dude, that party was off the hook kid, your girl can drink her f*ck*n’ face off!” – Dante

105. “Thank you, Mr. President.” – Bea

106. “Suck those jugs, kid!” – Dante

107. “Nice jammies.” – Alex

108. “I’m an antique.” – Bea

109. “I loved them so much.” – Josh

110. “Eat it, whore.” – Josh

111. “Dragonflies?” – Bea

112. “Drive, monkey, drive!” – Dante

113. “Come in. Hurry up.” – Jeff

114. “That was a good idea.” – Jeff

115. “I gotta pee out of my *ss.” – Jeff

116. “I’m a piece of sh*t. I suck.” – Kane

117. “I wanna eat the TV.” – Bea

118. “This sh*t f*ck*n’ crazy!” – Dante

119. “Space shuttle.” – Bea

120. “I swear to God, I would’ve helped you, Sophie. Please don’t kill me. Please don’t kill me. I would’ve helped you. I just wasn’t here.” – Alex

121. “I got my yellow belt, monkey got his red belt—he’s a quick learner!” – Dante

122. “Who wants a piece of the grey bush?” – Alex

123. “Alex, I need you to deal with 10 through 15 because those are the real problem levels.” – Samantha

124. “He gives me a reason to live with him and those stank-*ss hoes.” – Kane

125. “So I looked up in my tree, and there was the f*ck*n’ king of the jungle staring at me. So I called the five-O!” – Dante

126. “Oh, I found it in your laundry when I was cleaning up. It smelled awful, so I cleaned it. Doesn’t it look nice?” – Grandma Lilly

127. Alex: “Where is your monkey?”

Dante: “He’s upstairs putting his nun-chucks away.”

128. “You look like a bag of sh*t. You sure you don’t wanna borrow my birthday suit?” – Dante

129. “I wish you would have gone a little less on the crazy and little more on the beaver.” – Alex

130. “Oh listen, your father tells me that you need a place to stay. Just so you know, Sophie left us two weeks ago, so her room is available if you need it.” – Grandma Lilly

131. “This is b*llsh*t. It’s like Cypress Hill concert in here. I don’t rent to those kind of people.” – Yuri

132. “Alex, you forgot smoking lamp. I’m sorry, was that expensive piece?” – Yuri

133. “Shh! Go read your Playgirl or something!” – Grace

134. “It’s tequila! It’s supposed to f*ck you up!” – Dante

135. “Relax, bro. They’re people—just like you and me. Now hit this joint and have some fun.” – Dante

136. “Relax, Kane. You’re not a piece of sh*t.” – Dante

137. “I was working late. I love work. I love life.” – Alex

138. “Does someone have a light? I found this weed. I wanna smoke it.” – Jeff

139. “It’s my roommate’s. They won’t stop watching p*rn. I can’t get any work done.” – Alex

140. “At least enough time to 69.” – Jeff

141. “It’s just the kids and their break room. Or as I like to call it, the stupid idiot room full of jerks. Mine’s the biggest office, over.” – J.P.

142. “I thought I told you to quit talking about that.” – Alex

143. “Get back to work, testers.” – J.P.

144. “We’re not in the jungle any more, Doctor.” – Alex

145. “Hey Samantha, don’t take the red pill!” – Jeff

146. “She fell out of bed and died right here.” – Grandma Lilly

147. “I’m sorry you had to see this. It’s all these poor knaves have to look forward to everyday.” – J.P.

148. “I thought you were good at this, man.” – Alex

149. “Um, I’m really sorry to have to leave this conversation, but, I will see you guys later.” – Samantha


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