6. Daryl: It’s a four-leaf clover, make a wish.
Wayne: Wish you weren’t so f*ck*ng awkward, bud.
7. “If you have a problem with the majestic Canadian Goose, then you have a problem with me. And I suggest you let that one marinate.” – Wayne
8. Katy: Is that what you appreciate about me?
Wayne: Let’s go easy over there, Squirrely Dan.
Squirrely Dan: Yeah. Oh, hey, look at you, ground.
9. Jonesy: We need backup, boys.
Wayne: Hard no.
Reilly: Oh, c’mon, where’s your jam, bud?
Wayne: Not , not my farm.
Jonesy: Where’s the sacrifice?
Wayne: Oh, get off the cross, we need the wood.
10. “Seeing as this is most certainly a one-off event and not a tradition that also falls on some made-up holiday that I couldn’t give a cats queef about, I’m out. There’s happiness calling my name from the bottom of a bottle of Puppers.” – Wayne
11. Jonesy: Nice onesie. Does it come in men’s?
Wayne: I think you come in men enough for all of us.
12. “Your sister’s hot, Wayne! There I said it! I said it! I nothing! I regret nothing!
…I’m too fat to run.” – Squirrely Dan
13. “You’d best be preparing for a Donny Brook if you think I’m going to that super soft birthday party of yours.” – Wayne
14. “You’re made of spare parts, aren’t you, bud?” – Wayne
15. “That was well brought up. Too bad you weren’t.” – Katy
16. “Well, there’s nothing better than a fart. Except for kids falling off bikes, maybe. F*ck, I could watch kids falling off bikes all day, I don’t give a f*ck about your kids.” – Wayne
17. “There’s some buttf*ckery at play here.” – Wayne
18. Daryl: You guys do CrossFit?
Wayne: You can cross f*ck off.
19. “Look if you are coming, you better come correct.” – Gail
20. “Oh, I wouldn’t say sh*t if my mouth was full of it” – Shoresy
21. “We only got one shot at this. One chance. One win. You know? Vomit on your mom’s spaghetti, or whatever that talking singer says.” – Coach
22. “Tim’s, McDonald’s, and the beer store are all closed on Christmas Day. And that’s your whole world right there.” – Wayne
23. “I see the muscle shirt came today. Muscles coming tomorrow? Did ya get a tracking number? Oh, I hope he got a tracking number. That package is going to be smaller than the one you’re sporting now.” – Daryl
24. “If I was a Dr. Seuss book, I’d be The Fat in the Hat.” – Katy
25. “It’s a hard life picking stones and pulling teats, but as sure as God’s got sandals, it beats fighting dudes with treasure trails.” – Wayne
26. “Oh I’m stomping the brakes, put that idea right through the f*ck*ng windshield.” – Katy
27. “Figure it out!” – Everyone
28. “You’re pretty good at wrestling there, Katy, and that’s what I appreciate about you.” – Squirrelly Dan
29. “Call me a cake, ‘cause I’ll go straight to your *ss, cowboy!” – Gail
30. “You naturally care for a companionship, but I guess there’s a lot worse things than playing a little one-man couch hockey in the dark.” – Wayne
31. “What’s up with your body , your big shoots? You look like a 12-year-old Dutch girl.” – Wayne
32. “F*ck you Jonesy! Your mom just liked my Instagram post from 2 years ago in Puerto Vallarta. Tell her I’ll put my swim trunks on for her any time she likes.” – Reilly
33. “Closest you’re getting to any action this weekend is giving the dairy cow’s t**ts a good scrubbing.” – Wayne
34. “F*ck you, Shoresy, you’re a terrible f*ck*n ref!” – Jonesy
35. “F*ck you Shoresy! Put a shirt on.” – Reilly
36. “Does a with a boner drag weeds?” – Wayne
37. “You seen a ‘coon having sex with a barn cat on top of your truck? F*ck what’s the nature of that David Suzuki.” – Wayne
38. “Every woman knows that the way to a man’s heart is not through his zipper, it’s through his stomach.” – Wayne
39. “You stopped toe curling in the hot tub ‘cause you heard sperms stay alive in there and you’ve seen Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles enough times to know how that story ends.” – Wayne
40. “Buddy you couldn’t wheel a f*ck*ng tire down a hill.” – Wayne
41. “Well, I’d say give your balls a tug, but it looks like your pants are doing it for you.” – Wayne
42. “F*ck you, Reilly, go scoop it off your mom’s floor! She gives my nipples kisses.” – Jonesy
43. “You ever hoover schneef off a sleeping cow’s spine?” “I’ve hoovered schneef off an awake cow’s teet.” – Daryl
44. “So my dick died. Can I bury it in you?” – Daryl
45. “On a scale from one to America, how free are you right now?” – Katy
46. “It’s like algebra… why you gotta put numbers and letters together? Why can’t you just go f*ck yourself?” – Wayne
47. “You wanna come to a super soft birthday party?” – Wayne
48. “If you had as many bucks in your wallet as bucks mounted on your wall you’d have, well, give or take six bucks” – Wayne
49. Reilly: Oh yeah? What’s gonna happen, Shoresy?
Shoresy: 3 things: I hit you, you hit the pavement and I jerk off on your driver’s side door handle.
50. “F*ck, , what a series of unfortunate events you been through, you ugly f*ck.” – Jonesy
51. “Do you know what, I don’t want you to kiss and tell, that’s impolite… but I am kind of curious.” – Wayne
52. “I want to give back to the community by helping people find love.” – Wayne
53. “The world needs less Facebook and more Face-to-Face!” – Wayne
54. “I am willing to give 69% of my company to a partner, why 69%? Both sides benefit! Good Enough!” – Gail
55. “Then I’d have to put my wine down.” – Marie-Fred
56. “You stopped toe curling in the hot tub ‘cause you heard sperms stay alive in there and you’ve seen Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles enough times to know how that story ends.” – Wayne
57. “Look if you are coming, you better come correct.” – Gail
58. “You were a sniper in that game today and… do you see that sniper at 3 o’clock?” – Shoresy
59. “Boulevard of broken dreams!” – Shoresy
60. Wayne: You heard he f*ck*d an ostrich, right?
Daryl: He what?
Wayne: He f*ck*d an ostrich?
Squirrelly Dan: Allegedly.
61. “Your friend says his sleds got so much torque he can’t keep the front end down, Ok bud, if you wanna blow smoke, go have a dart.” – Wayne
62. “Your dad says guys with big trucks have little d*nks. And that makes sense cuz you want a real big truck and got a real little d*nk.” – Wayne
63. “Your farted when he got up from the picnic table which was funny but also pretty f*ck*n inconsiderate at his own chilli picnic.” – Wayne
64. “Got anymore of that electric lettuce? These darts aren’t doing it.” – Shoresy
65. “Make sure you use that sunscreen ‘cause it’s a great day for hay.” – Gail
66. “Yes dear, pick up milk on the way home. That’s a Texas sized 10-4.” – Gail
67. “Your sister’s lasagna gave everyone the scoots for weeks up in here.” – Gail
68. “Cologne. But I just use sunscreen, Banana Boat.” – Daryl
69. “F*ck you, Jonesy, your life is so pathetic I get a charity tax break just by hanging around you!” – Shoresy
70. “You’re a cup of baby carrots, ya f*ck*ng *ssh*l*.” – Wayne
71. “Your sister thinks you smoke too much when you’re drinkin’ but your grandpa always said “a smoke and a beer go together like a piss and a fart.” – Wayne
72. “I need to give you one more chance to retract, no questions asked. Before this conversation becomes a confrontation.” – Gail
73. “When you are bringing complaints to someone, they’ll be more receptive to alter into their behavior if you make it your problem, rather than placing the blames on them.” – Wayne
74. “You got called a sh*th**d at go karts for bumping another driver and had to fight the guy ‘cause you were on a first date.” – Wayne
75. “The only animal in the animal kingdom that wants anything to do with Canada gooses… is Canada mooses.” – Wayne
76. “You woke up on your friend’s lawn the other day but your friend’s lawn is in Michigan so, that’s a bit off putting.” – Wayne
77. “Your sister thinks you smoke too much when you’re drinking but your always said “a smoke and a beer go together like a piss and a fart.” – Wayne
78. “You’re pretty sweet on your new gal but if she forgets to close the third door of your truck before the passenger door one more time it’s f*ck*n’ over I’ve had it.” – Wayne
79. “There’s a gal in the next township who got the stinker removed from a skunk and she keeps it as a pet so that’s pretty much par for the course there, eh.” -Wayne
80. “You took your gal into Pizza Delight for a nice supper and there were two kids’ birthday parties in there hucking f*ck*ng crayons around.” – Wayne
81. “Time to take about 20% off the meth intake, boys.” – Wayne
82. “You wanna walk around town spelling like that? Ok?! I’ll spell with you any day of the week and I suggest you let that one marinate.” – Wayne
83. “You love that movie The Fox and the Hound so much you can’t bring yourself to kill the fox that’s been getting into the chicken coop. You don’t care if that makes you softer than a Disney matinee.” – Squirrely Dan
84. “We lay off the ginger in boots now. Because the ginger in boots did NOT f*ck an ostrich.” – Wayne
85. “All butts are gay, but not all gays have butts.” – Jonesy
86. “Pack of coyotes come right up the back porch the other night ‘cause your dog’s in heat and you know those f*ck*n’ yellow eyed bastards’ll go right through the screen door if they’re horny.” – Wayne
87. “You got half your finger cut off one of three ways: bike chain, bandsaw, penalty box door.” – Wayne
88. “If you had as many bucks in your wallet as bucks mounted on your wall you’d have, well, give or take six bucks” – Wayne
89. “It’s always ok to fart when you’re alone. Accept when you’re in elevators. That’s uncouth.” – Wayne
90. “I’ll post it on my f*ck*ng Facebook. And you guys will post it on your f*ck*ng Facebook!” – Stewart
91. “I’m so upset about my perennials.” – Squirraly Dan
92. “You came to after having a bar fight. Felt like you got hit by a car, right? But your pal had your back, went on the attack, but it turned off his gal like a night light.” – Daryl
93. “Your gal has a cousin who’s spun and she is no longer your hun. ‘Cause you had to pop ’em and boy did you drop ’em. Yeah, you did what had to be done.” – Wayne
94. “Katy: There’s more to life than a little Hulu and you-screw, big brother.”
95. “I won’t go down in history but I’ll go down on you.” – Gail
96. “What I said was: I got real long eye lashes. Well I’m surprised no one has ever noticed that.” – Wayne
97. “You’re all right with it if the dog’s gay, as much you’re told gays are here to stay. Guess he does always spring rocket when he’s up on your lap. So that was in the cards.” — Wayne
98. “Do you wanna know what I’d reach into a pirate hooker’s chamber pot before I’d reach in there.” – Wayne
99. “The bottom inch of a beer bottle is 50% spit” – Wayne
100. “Do you ever notice when you go to merge there just happens to be 6 inbreds merging at the exact same time? Come off the ramp and get your f*ck*n’ foot in it.” – Daryl
101. “He’d mount the red-hot tail pipe of a high cc quad, Katy. Come off it!” – Wayne
102. “Your pal squeezed himself into the same section of a revolving door behind you one time and you’re still pals but like, you’re not about sit beside him at a f*ck*n’ camp fire.” – Wayne
103. “Wheel. Snipe. Celly.” – Jonesy and Reilly
104. “I’m click-clacking and rack stacking, b*tch*s know I’m packing. I’m the trillest. MEOW!” – Katy
105. “So my dick died. Can I bury it in you?” – Daryl
106. “Don’t you mess around with me. There’s nothing too happy about commemorating the beating and execution of 3rd century Roman arch bishop Saint Valentine.” – Wayne
107. “You’re playing Buck Hunter at the bar the other night and your game was so tight a gal offered to give you a squeezer in the parking lot.” – Wayne
108. “You woke up with your horn looking out the window but ya gotta be at work in 20 so it’s now or never. I should say.” – Wayne
109. “This eau de toilette is enchantingly refreshing on summer days like this.” – Daryl
110. “Your friends are out picking off groundhogs down the side of the road and they want you to come but your dads got the 22 and your gas tank is dry as a fart.” – Wayne
111. “Well, she’s a pretty girl. It’s just…uhhh you could let the paint dry a wee bit there, eh?” – Wayne
112. “I mean, just because my name is Reilly doesn’t necessarily mean that I’m a drunken leprechaun.” – Reilly
113. “F*ck you Jonesy! Your loves butt play like I love Häagen-Dazs f*ck it lets get some ice cream!” – Shoresy
114. “You heard some city gals talking about paying to get their pubic hair ripped out with wax. Tell you what, by the tail and they’ll kick you in the box for free if that’s what you’re into.” – Wayne
115. “If I’m an ant I’m operating the seadoo with my antennae.” – Wayne
116. “You f*ck*n’ serious with that hair?” – Daryl
117. “A gal at the bar said she liked how your pants fit but she said it in a baby voice and really she can do that on her own time.” – Wayne
118. “Do-re-mi, 19, go f*ck yourself” – Daryl, Wayne and Squirrely Dan
119. “Your friend said waking up with an erection is the sign of a healthy male which was fine till you seen him sleep pole to hole with his dog Tim.” – Wayne
120. “The stupidest thing I ever heard in my life is that a baby is smart.” – Wayne
121. “Ask anyone in the area about accuracy artic activities are abundant, astonishing, astounding, and A1 on all accounts.” – Wayne
122. “Your said he could get a One Direction CD for your sister’s birthday party which is fine but he was a little quick to the draw there.” – Wayne
123. “Your friend’s barn cat had kittens so you took one but f*ck is it stunned.” – Wayne
124. “You’re 10-ply, bud.” – Wayne
125. “Your little brother put a stink bomb in a nerf gun and fired it at his bus driver. f*ck, no more kids table with those big boy moves.” – Wayne
126. “You had a party and there was no piss around the toilet after which most certainly means your friends piss sitting down.” – Wayne
127. “Your cousin named his cat Harry Pottery barn which was confusing til you found out he named his bong Samwise Ganja.” – Wayne
128. “Do you mean like you take the drugs with your hand and well, then, you put ’em up your pooper?” – Wayne
129. “Legend-Dary” – Daryl
130. “Give a man 30 idle seconds and he’s gonna get a boner.” – Dary
131. “Hey! He said simmers down so simmers down! Why don’t you go eat some tartares ya snail sucking mime lovers?!” – Squirrely Dan
132. “I seen Samuel in the laundry room with a cat one time and you just know that little f*ck*r is gonna put it in the dryer.” – Wayne
133. “I said oh f*ck if you’re digging a hole better dig a big one because I’m getting in there with him.” – Wayne
134. “Well nots to be impolite but this gal suggested that maybe I should have some attentions paid to my b*tth*l*. That ever happen to you guys?” – Squirrely Dan
