2. “Guy puts a fancy guarantee on a box ’cause he wants you to feel all warm and toasty inside.” – Tommy

3. “Brothers don’t shake hands. Brothers gotta hug.” – Tommy

4. “Him too afraid to get out. He’s just a little guy!” – Tommy

5. “If I wanted a kiss, I’d call your mother!” – Tommy

6. “Well, I should hope so, because I’m laying it on pretty thick.” – Richard

7. “Let’s think about this for a sec, Ted. Why would somebody put a guarantee on a box? Hmmm, very interesting.” – Tommy

8. “I thought they were on my side.” – Tommy

9. “I can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking my head up a bull’s ass, but I’d rather take a butcher’s word for it.” – Tommy

10. “You’re a huge embarrassing failure.” – Tommy

11. “Please go away, let me sleep for the love of God!” – Tommy

12. “Oh yeah. We don’t take no for an answer! We don’t take no for an answer.” – Tommy

13. “Some of us are leaving, and that is sad, but this isn’t the end. No way. We’re gonna show this world a thing or two.” – Tommy

14. “Just gimme your best shot.” – Tommy

15. “Does this suit make me look fat?” – Tommy

16. “It’s called reading! Top to bottom, left to right—a group of words together is called a sentence. Take Tylenol for any headaches—Midol for any cramps.” – Richard

17. “Were you calling from a walkie-talkie?” – Richard

18. Tommy: “Did you hear I finally graduated?”

Richard: “Yeah, and just a shade under a decade too.”

19. “They were closed. How could you be reading documents when they’re in your briefcase? Hmmm, that’s a mystery.” – Tommy

20. “I can’t hear you, you’re trailing off, and did I catch a niner in there?” – Richard

21. Reporter: “Is that why you’ve strapped a bomb to your chest?”

Tommy: “Oh this isn’t a bomb. These are road flares.”

22. “I think you’ll be okay here, they have a thin candy shell. Surprised you didn’t know that.” – Tommy

23. “Oh, that sounds good! Melted chocolate inside the dash, that really ups the resale value.” – Richard

24. “Try an association. Like uh—let’s say the average person uses 10% of their brain. How much do you use? One and a half percent. The rest is clogged with malted hops and bong resin.” – Richard

25. “Okay—seatbelts. Just put the little thing into the big thing and—I tell ya what. If you don’t know how to fasten your seatbelt, just raise your hand and I’ll have Tommy Boy here come back there and hit you in the head with a tack hammer.” – Richard

26. “I think your brain has a thick candy shell.” – Richard

27. “Marty, find out where the police are going to be taking him. Send over a bottle of bubbly with a bucket of ice and a card. Have it say, ‘Tough break, get drunk on me. Use the bucket to ice down your marbles, yours, Z.’” – Ray Zalinkski

28. “Listen you little spazoids. I know where you live and I’ve seen where you sleep. I swear that your mothers will cry when they see what I’ve done to you.” – Michelle

29. “You have a window. And why shouldn’t you? You’ve been here 10 minutes.” – Richard

30. “Uh, what my associate is trying to say is—our new brake pads are really cool. You’re not even gonna believe it. Like, let’s say you’re driving along the road with your family.” – Tommy

31. “All right, that’s it, fat boy, I’m gonna wail on you.” – Richard

32. “Look mommy, the rhinos getting too close to the car.” – Richard

33. “Do you know where the weight room is? I’ll check it out.” – Tommy

34 Tommy: “Richard, do I have a mark on my face? It really hurts.”

Richard: “Nope, nothing—I thought I hit you on the shoulder.”

35. “I can practically hear you getting fatter.” – Richard

36. “Road flares? Did you live under power lines as a kid or something?” – Zalinsky

37. “I was checking the ah, specs on the end line, for the—rotary girder.” – Tommy

38. Kid: “Oh yeah, right. Like it was some other real fat guy with a tiny head.”

Tommy: “I got a tiny head?”

39. “Did you eat a lot of paint chips when you were a kid?” – Paul

40. “Okay, and life preservers, these—we may need it. Although what are the odds of us actually hitting a lake? My money says if anything, it’s gonna be a mountain.” – Richard

41. “I got a D+! I’m gonna graduate!” – Tommy

42. “I’ve seen some crazy stuff in my time, but that was awesome. Oh, sorry about your car, man. That—that sucks.” – Tommy

43. “I wish we’d known each other—this is a little awkward. I’m gonna graduate!” – Tommy

44. “I lost my virginity to your daughter for crying out loud. Rob, you were there.” – Tommy

45. “You better pray to the God of skinny punks that this wind doesn’t pick up, ’cause I’ll come over there, and jam an oar up your ass.” – Tommy

46. Richard: “I need your John Hancock.”

Tommy: “It’s Herbie Hancock.”

47. Kid: “Hey, Mom! It’s the guy who robbed the bank.”

Tommy: “I didn’t rob any bank!”

48. “You know a lot of people go to college for seven years.” – Tommy

49. “Richard, were you watching ‘spanktravision?’” – Tommy

50. “Hey if you’re going to say I didn’t put the right kind in, you’re wrong. I used 10-W-30. And besides, motor oil would have nothing to do with this accident.” – Tommy

51. “We’re family, we’re gonna be doing lots of dumb stuff together. Wait ’til Christmas.” – Tommy

52. “Ya figure you put that little box under your pillow at night, the guarantee fairy might come by and leave a quarter, am I right Ted?” – Tommy

53. “That’s gonna leave a mark.” – Tommy

54. “He’s a big, dumb animal, isn’t he folks?” – Richard

55. Ray Zalinsky: “Went a little heavy on the pine tree perfume there, kid?”

Tommy: “Sir it’s a taxicab air freshener.”

56. “Bees! Bees! Bees in the car! Bees everywhere! God, they’re huge and they sting crazy! They’re ripping my flesh off! Run away, your firearms are useless against them!” – Tommy

57. “Truth is, I make car parts for the American working man because I’m a hell of a salesman and he doesn’t know any better.” – Ray Zalinsky

58. Tommy: “Right here. Not here—or here so much—but right here.”

Richard: “No. Shipshape!”

59. “I killed my sale. That’s when I blow it. That’s when people like us gotta forge ahead, Helen, am I right?” – Tommy

60. “But for now, for your customer’s sake, for your daughter’s sake, ya might wanna think about buying a quality product from me.” – Tommy

61. “These shoes are Italian. They’re worth more than your life.” – Paul

62. “Your dad could sell a ketchup popsicle to a woman in white gloves.” – Richard

63. “Big day tomorrow. Hope we can keep this momentum going.” – Tommy

64. “That’s nice, you look like a Helen. Helen, we’re both in sales. Let me tell you why I suck as a salesman.” – Tommy

65. “Hey, I was just thinking. When we stopped for gas this morning I think it was you who put the oil in.” – Richard

66. “Housekeeping. You want mint for a pillow?” – Richard

67. “Forget it, I quit, I can’t do this anymore, man. My head’s about to explode. My whole life sucks! I don’t know what I’m doing, I don’t know where I’m going. My dad just died, we just killed Bambi, I’m out here getting my ass kicked and every time I drive down the road I wanna jerk the wheel into a goddamn bridge abutment!” – Tommy

68. “Okay, folks, the guy in front of you is Tommy. He’ll be taking you through my little spiel here. Tommy is a Scorpio, he likes biking, and he’s never been laid. Exits, okay, there’s one back here, and there’s uh, probably one over by the wing somewhere, usually.” – Richard

69. “And the medic gets out and says, ‘oh my God.’ New guy’s around the corner puking his guts out.” – Tommy

70. “Gee, I wonder if she goes out with one of the Yankees.” – Tommy

71. “Richard, who’s your favorite little rascal? Alfalfa? Or is it Spanky?” – Tommy

72. Richard: “Hi, I’m Earth. Have we met?”

Reservationist: “I don’t think so.”

73. “Why not? I’d take you to the vet.” – Richard

74. “Boy this is the worst. My so-called family deserts me. Michelle’s mad at me. I’ve lost the factory, the town’s going under and I’m out of a job.” – Tommy

75. “For Christ’s sake. Once during the war, I visited a prostitute, and my life has been a living hell ever since.” – Boardroom Man

76. “Get yourself a new map.” – Gas Station Employee

77. “No way that just happened. My car is completely destroyed.” – Richard

78. “God, you’re sick. Tell ya what, I’ll go turn the friers back on and throw on some wings for you.” – Helen

79. “Good, you’ve pinpointed it. Step two is washing it out.” – Ray Zalinsky

80. “You spray that thing for bugs?” – Richard

81. “Are you talking?” – Richard

82. “Um, we don’t take any prisoners.” – Richard

83. “What’d you do?” – Tommy

84. “No shit from anyone!” – Tommy

85. “I’m picking up your sarcasm.” – Gas Station Employee

86. “What’s your point?” – Ted Nelson

87. “Tommy want wingy.” – Tommy

88. “I know. They’re called doctors.” – Richards

89. “Holy schnikes!” – Tommy


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