70 Hank Hill Quotes That Show His Wits

Get to know Hank Hill of Arlen, Texas even more by reading these quotes.

His words of wisdom will definitely remind you of some people you know.

Start reading here.

And don’t forget to check out these and .

1. “There better be a naked cheerleader under your bed!” 

2. “What the hell kind of country is this where I can only hate a man if he’s white?” 

3. “Bobby, I didn’t think I’d ever need to tell you this, but I would be a bad parent if I didn’t. Soccer was invented by European ladies to keep them busy while their husbands did the cooking.” 

4. “Why would anyone smoke weed when they could just mow a lawn?” 

5. “I don’t have an anger problem, I have an idiot problem!” 

6. “Your heart is telling you? Who’s the boss, you or your heart? You are! Your heart is your employee! So get your heart off its butt and back to work!” 

7. “You know Kahn, we may deny our kids completely different deserts, but they both go to bed hungry, and that’s what really matters.” 

8. “There’s something missing, something wrong—it’s like a pretty girl with short hair.” 

9. “Dallas? I don’t want you going to Dallas at all! That place is crawling with crackheads and debutantes, and half of them play for the Cowboys.” 

10. “So, are you Chinese or Japanese?” 

11. “I’m doped out of my gourd!” 

12. “That’s not the right sort of attitude for you to have. Whatever you do, you should do right, even if it’s something wrong.”

13. “Can’t you see you’re not making Christianity any better? You’re just making rock and roll worse.”

14. “Bobby, if you weren’t my son, I’d hug you.” 

15. “Mister, I have not begun to project my anger onto you!”

16. “Ah, jeez. I think I need one of those $8 beers.” 

17. “Maybe I should tie the long hair on your head to the short hair on your ass, and kick you down the street!” 

18. “They weren’t dancing like you and I used to, Peggy. They were enjoying it.” 

19. Peggy Hill: “Do you think my feet are too big, Hank?”

Hank Hill: “No Hon, just more of you to love.”

20. “Bobby, Al Yankovic blew his brains out in the late 80s after people stopped buying his records. He’s not worth getting in trouble over.” 

21. “I have a sense of humor. I laugh at Tony Danza.” 

22. “Dale’s losing it at Mega Lo Mart, Nancy. We need some traps for the rat, and a tranquillizer gun for…uh…also for the rat.” 

23. “Bwaaah!” 

24. “I am the mack daddy of Heimlich County!” 

25. “What? No, I sell propane!” 

26. “I wasn’t flirting with her. I didn’t even mention that I work in propane!” 

27. “When I grow up, I want to sell propane and propane accessories, if my grades are good enough!” 

28. “The only woman I’m pimping from now on is Sweet Lady Propane. And I’m tricking her out all over this town.” 

29. “Now you listen to me, mister. I work for a livin’, and I mean real work, not writin’ down gobbledegook! I provide the people of this community with propane and propane accessories. Oh, when I think of all my hard-earned tax dollars goin’ to pay a bunch of little twig-boy bureaucrats like you, it just makes me wanna—oh, oh God.”

30. “But that shouldn’t stop you from pursuing your own dreams of wood, plywood, pressed fiberboard, and if you’ve got the talent, metal! Y’see, shop doesn’t have to happen in any special place—as long as it’s well lit, and the outlets are grounded. Because the shop is bigger than any classroom, or garage, or stupid policy that makes tools illegal—it’s in our hearts.” 

31. “Bobby, some things are like a tire fire—trying to put it out only makes it worse. You just gotta grab a beer and let it burn.” 

32. “Eight feet huh? Yeah, you see Khan, in this neighborhood, side fences have to be 5’6’’ or under. It’s not in the code or anything, it’s just something I’m trying to enforce.” 

33. “Bobby, you can’t make an omelette without breakin’ eggs, and you can’t get on base without takin’ a swing.” 

34. “I had to raise a lot of hell in there but sometimes that’s what you gotta do to get the right paperwork.”

35. “You shut your got-dang mouth or I’ll shove that Ditch Witch down your throat and dig a tunnel straight through to sunshine!” 

36. “He thinks just ’cause I’m from Texas that means I’m a redneck—Chinese people and their stupid stereotypes!” 

37. “Let me tell you, Bobby, there’s nothing funny about these sounds! What that person on your tape has is a medical disorder. Now you get ready for the game, okay?” 

38. “God dang it, Bobby!” 

39. “Put your head between your six legs and kiss your butt goodbye!” 

40. “You’re a regular Halloween hellraiser just like your old man. And I’m very disappointed in you!” 

41. “Dang it, I am sick and tired of everyone’s asinine ideas about me. I’m not a redneck, and I’m not some Hollywood jerk. I’m something else entirely. I’m complicated!”  

42. “That’s a clean-burning hell, I tell you what!” 

43. “Suffering is a part of every religion, Peggy. I mean, look at what the Jews have been through, and you never hear them complaining.” 

44. “Dale, that’s asinine, and here are the four reasons why. First, you’re not gonna clone a super-warrior out of a guy who can’t even win a thumb-wrestling match. Two, you’ve spent your life swearing that the robots will eliminate the clones by the year 2010. So which is it, robots or clones? Three, you’ve already said you sympathize with the invading Mongolians of 2087, so you’d be the last one they’d send to fight them. And four, if you were from the future, you would have seen this coming.” 

45. “Don’t play lawyer-ball, son.” 

46. “You do not use a man’s hitting wedge to hit the mud, Bobby!” 

47. “An ‘F’ in English? Bobby, you speak English!” 

48. “Don’t play mind checkers with me, man. I’m not in the mood.” 

49. “Peggy, go get my BC headache powder and a glass of water.” 

50. “I sell popcorn and popcorn accessories.” 

51. “No, you are not tripping. That is an emu.” 

52. “Fine. But I think you owe my lawn an apology.” 

53. “For God’s sake, Bobby, what nationality are you?”

54. “Hank Hill, best man, Strickland Propane.”

55. “Well, why not? I like this new generation of music.”

56. “Mother of God, it’s all toilet sounds! Where did you record this?”

57. “Hey Khan. I thought I heard someone mixing concrete.”

58. “Now what’s that supposed to mean?”

59. “Well, that boy’s gonna get a talking to, I tell ya what!”

60. “6 AM, and already the boy ain’t right!” 

61. “You know, was largely useless, but look how we remember her. Yep, the first lady of the American stage.” 

62. “How is cutting down on pollution a government plot, Dale?”

63. “Why are you holding your cigarette like some kind of European Nazi in a movie?”

64. “This grout is supposed to stay white for twenty years. What’s it been, seventeen, eighteen? Peggy, where’s that receipt?”

65. “Well, she’s got a point, but he’s a war hero. She’s my wife, but he’s got no shins.” 

66. “Dale, you giblet-head, we live in Texas. It’s already 110° in the summer, and if it gets one degree hotter, I’m gonna kick your ass!”

67. “So you found yourself a project. Do you get the same, uh, high I get from lawn care?” 

68. “We, of the Order of the Straight Arrow, call upon the spirit Wematanye, protector of the sacred ground that brings us cool water to drink and energy-efficient, clean-burning propane gas for all our sacred heating and cooking needs. Wematanye says, ‘respect the earth!’ She’s ours, by God, our taxes pay for Her. Also, it says here you gotta love all Her creatures. Let’s see…oh, here we go: Though we walk through the valley of the shadow of death, you’re gonna recommend us to the spirit in the sky, with liberty and justice for all. Wematanye is with you, and with Texas. Amen.” 

69. “It’s a combat bowl. Bobby made one too.”