2. “Don’t you say that. Don’t you ever say that. Stay here. Stay as long as you can.” – Billy Madison

3. “I am the smartest man alive!” – Billy Madison

4. “Give me one more chance, I’ll prove I can take over. I’ll do anything it takes.” – Billy Madison

5. “I don’t know. I kinda feel like an idiot sometimes. Although I am an idiot, so it kinda works out.” – Billy Madison

6. “It’s too damn hot for a penguin to be just walkin’ around here. I gotta send him back to the South Pole.” – Billy Madison

7. “You were brought up with every advantage, I bought you everything. Toys, cars, vacations, clothes.” – Brian Madison

8. “I’ll turn this dumb bus around. That’ll end your precious little field trip pretty dumb quick, eh.” – Bus Driver

9. “Don’t tell me my business, Devil Woman. Call the fire department, this one’s outta control.” – Ted ‘Old Man’ Clemens

10. “Ooh, that boy’s a fine piece of work all right. He’s a fine piece of ass though, too.” – Jaunita

11. “Making fun of a little kid trying to read! Are you psycho? Do you not have a soul?” – Veronica

12. “When I graduated first grade, all my dad did was tell me to get a job.” – Frank

13. “You got a banana, you don’t need a snack pack.” – Juanita

14. “Well, I made the duck blue because I’d never seen a blue duck before and I wanted to see one.” – Billy Madison

15. “Chlorophyll? More like bore-ophyll.” – Billy Madison

16. “Well, I think it’s an excellent blue duck. Congratulations Billy, you just passed the first grade.” – Miss Lippy

17. “Back to school. Back to school, to prove to Dad that I’m not a fool. I got my lunch packed up, my boots tied tight, I hope I don’t get in a fight. Ohhhh, back to school. Back to school. Back to school. Well, here goes nothing.” – Billy Madison

18. “I’ll go back to high school and take the exams again, and I’ll get the diploma all by myself.” – Billy Madison

19. “Billy is not an idiot.” – Carl Alphonse

20. “High school is great. I mean I’m learning a lot. And all the kids are treating me very nicely. It’s great.” – Billy Madison

21. “I hate cursive and I hate all of you!” – Billy Madison

22. “Mr. Madison, what you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.” – Principal Anderson

23. “What is a horseshoe? What does a horseshoe do? Are there any horse socks? Is anybody listening to me?” – Old Farm Lady

24. “Now you’re all in big, big trouble.” – Billy Madison

25. “I bet that snack pack is pretty good huh?” – Billy Madison

26. “Of course I peed my pants, everyone my age pees their pants. It’s the coolest. Shampoo is better. I go on first and clean the hair. Conditioner is better. I leave the hair silky and smooth. Oh, really, fool? Really.” – Billy Madison

27. “The part of the story I don’t like is that the little boy gave up looking for Happy after an hour. He didn’t put posters up or anything, he just sat on the porch like a goon and waited. That little boy’s gotta think, ‘You got a pet. You got a responsibility.’ If your dog is lost you don’t look for an hour then call it quits.” – Billy Madison

28. “O’Doyle, I got a feeling your whole family’s going down. But right now, I gotta study.” – Billy Madison

29. “I must find a way to destroy Billy Madison.” – Eric Gordon

30. “Feel those kicks? He’s gonna be a soccer player. He is.” – Billy Madison

31. “You know something? You suck!” – Billy Madison

32. “Hey kids, it’s me! I bet you thought that I was dead! But when I fell over I just broke my leg and got a hemorrhage in my head!” – Clown

33. “Well, ‘sorry’ doesn’t put the Triscuit crackers in my stomach now, does it Carl?” – Eric Gordon

34. “That Veronica Vaughn is one piece of ass, I know from experience dude. If you know what I mean.” – Bus Driver

35. “Billy likes to drink soda. Miss Lippy’s car is green.” – Ted ‘Old Man’ Clemens

36. “Have some more sloppy joes. I made ’em extra sloppy for you. I know how you kids like ’em sloppy.” – Lunch Lady

37. “Remember that spelling bee you won in the first grade? Rock—r—o—k?” – Billy Madison

38. “Okay, a simple ‘wrong’ would’ve done just fine.” – Billy Madison

39. “You know how badly I could beat you, right?” – Billy Madison

40. “You fallin’ in love with the wall or somethin’?” – Billy Madison

41. “I’m not saying he’s an idiot. I just think he might not be mature enough to run a ‘Fortune Five Hundred’ company.” – Eric Gordon

42. “Oh, Billy Billy boy. When are you gonna find whatever it is you’re looking for?” – Brian Madison

43. “I’ll tell you who it was, it was that damned Sasquatch.” – Tour Guide

44. “Who the hell is it? What do you want? Judas Priest, Barabara, it’s one of those flaming bags again.” – Ted ‘Old Man’ Clemens

45. “If peeing in your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis.” – Old Farm Lady

46. “Who would steal 30 bagged lunches?” – Veronica Vaughn

47. Frank: “Who would you rather bone, Meg Ryan or ?”

Billy Madison: “Jack Nicholson now, or 1974?”

Frank: “1974.”

Billy Madison: “Meg Ryan.”

48. “Any attempt to cheat, especially with my wife, who is a dirty, dirty, tramp, and I am just gonna snap.” – Principal Anderson

49. “I’ve got some important news for you. Eric is pregnant.” – Billy Madison

50. “I see your lips moving, but I can’t make out the words. I’m deaf! Ohh, Veronica Vaughn. Soooo hot! Want to touch the hiney!” – Billy Madison

51. “This is the best night of my life.” – Frank

52. “You ain’t cool unless you pee your pants.” – Billy Madison

53. Billy Madison: “Man, why did I have so many drinks? I can’t remember! What’s today?”

Frank: “October?”

Billy Madison: “It’s Nudie Magazine Day!!”

54. “That is the grossest thing I’ve ever heard in my life. Let’s go.” – Billy Madison

55. “I’m sorry. I can’t hear you, I’ve been physically abused in the ear.” – Billy Madison

56. “No milk will ever be our milk.” – Veronica

57. “Mortal Kombat, on Sega Genesis, is the best video game ever.” – Scotty

58. “Well, not me personally, but a guy I know.” – Bus Driver

59. “So what’s it like, being back in school?” – Veronica Vaughn

60. “Here’s a nice piece of shit.” – Billy Madison

61. “Snack Pack? You’re the coolest!” – Billy Madison

62. “That’s not fair. Rizzuto’s not a word. He’s a . You’re cheating.” – Billy Madison

63. “If you’re going to stay home today, you can help me shave my armpits.” – Juanita

64. “You keep your mouth shut for the next two weeks or I’m gonna fail you. End of story.” – Veronica

65. “Uh! Okay. The Industrial Revolution to me is just like a story I know called ‘The Puppy Who Lost His Way.’ The world was changing, and the puppy was getting bigger.” – Billy Madison

66. “No, I will not make out with you. Did ya hear that? This girl wants to make out with me in the middle of class. You got Chlorophyll Man up there talking about God knows what and all she can talk about is making out with me. I’m here to learn, everybody, not to make out with you. Go on with the Chlorophyll.” – Billy Madison

67. “I’ll get you damn kids for this. You’re all gonna die.” – Ted ‘Old Man’ Clemens

68. “I know now that shall never escape my fate as the Revolting Blob.” – Principal Anderson

69. “Take it easy, Billy. Things were going along great until this wrestling freak messed things up. Billy should get another shot at high school.” – Billy madison


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