2. “I totally hear you, but, erm, I also don’t like what you’re saying. So if you say no, I will start a fire in the bathroom.” – Mona-Lisa Saperstein

3. “Ugh. I hate talking to people about things.” – April Ludgate

4. “I am big enough to admit that I am often inspired by myself.” – Leslie Knope

5. “I’m fine. It’s just that life is pointless and nothing matters and I’m always tired.” – Andy Dwyer

6. “No offense, but I don’t remember you having a nursing degree in feelings!” – Leslie Knope

7. “I’ve never taken the high road but I tell other people to cause’ then there’s more room for me on the low road.” – Tom Haverford

8. “We need to remember what’s important in life: friends, waffles, work. Or waffles, friends, work. Doesn’t matter, but work is third.” – Leslie Knope

9. “Time is money, money is power, power is pizza, pizza is knowledge. Let’s go!” – April Ludgate

10. “Everything hurts and I’m dying.” – Leslie Knope

11. “No one achieves anything alone.” – Leslie Knope

12. “No, that’s Buckingham Palace. Hogwarts is fictional. You do know that, don’t you? It’s important to me that you know that.” – Ben Wyatt

13. “I am a goddess, a glorious female warrior.” – Leslie Knope

14. “If I keep my body moving, and my mind occupied at all times, I will avoid falling into a bottomless pit of despair.” – Chris Traeger

15. “Just remember, every time you look up at the moon, I, too, will be looking at a moon. Not the same moon, obviously, that’s impossible.” – Andy Dwyer

16. “Oh, so just because I can’t go out with him, someone else can?” – Leslie Knope

17. “Hey, Leslie. It’s Leslie. Hang in there. I love you. Bye.” – Leslie Knope

18. “One person’s annoying is another’s inspiring and heroic.” – Leslie Knope

19. “So it’s been three months of no work. No meetings, no memos, no late nights, nothing. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.” – Leslie Knope

20. “Well, I am sorry. That I attended a public event.” – Ron Swanson

21. “I have several men in rotation. One’s waiting for me in the car. Don’t worry, I rolled the window down for him.” – Donna Meagle

22. “I have no idea what I’m doing, but I know I’m doing it really, really well.” – Andy Dwyer

23. “I care. I care a lot. It’s kinda my thing.” – Leslie Knope

24. “And you can trust me. Because I don’t care enough about you to lie.” – Jennifer Barkley

25. “I regret nothing. The end.” – Ron Swanson

26. “Windows are the eyes to the house.” – Andy Dwyer

27. “I like people. Places. And things.” – April Ludgate

28. “What’s Galentine’s Day? Oh, it’s only the best day of the year.” – Leslie Knope

29. “Well, let’s get in my go-go mobile—car.” – Tom Haverford

30. “How do you make any event classy on a budget? Red carpet. My entire apartment is red carpet.” – Tom Haverford

31. “Winning is every girl’s dream. But it’s my destiny.” – Leslie Knope

32. “I guess some people object to powerful depictions of awesome ladies.” – Leslie Knope

33. Ann Perkins: “This guy went to Harvard.”

Leslie Knope: “So did the Unabomber!”

34. “If I had a stripper’s name, it would be Equality.” – Leslie Knope

35. “All I need to do is focus and stay calm.” – Leslie Knope

36. “My body is finely tuned, like a microchip, and the flu is like a grain of sand. It could literally shut down the entire system.” – Chris Traeger

37. “I promised myself I was not going to cry tonight, and I’ve already broken that promise five times. But I will not break it a sixth.” – Chris Traeger

38. “My idea of a perfect government is one guy who sits in a small room at a desk, and the only thing he’s allowed to decide is who to nuke.” – Ron Swanson

39. “Jessica Wicks! Hey, boo. Are you aging in reverse? ‘Cause you look barely legal.” – Tom Haverford

40. “I believe assault should be legal if the person is a jerk.” – Leslie Knope

41. “If I seem too passionate, it’s because I care. And if I come on strong, it’s because I feel strongly. If I push too hard, it’s because things aren’t happening fast enough.” – Leslie Knope

42. “No matter what I do, literally nothing bad can happen to me. I’m like a White, male, US Senator.” – Leslie Knope

43. “I am super chill all the time.” – Leslie Knope

44. “Every memory deserves to be chronicled! Even the saggy ones.” – Leslie Knope

45. “What I hear when I’m being yelled at is people caring really loudly at me.” – Leslie Knope

46. “Yes, we are a team, but I am the team leader. So I made a bold decision; we’re playing it safe.” – Leslie Knope

47. “There’s nothing we can’t do if we work hard, never sleep, and shirk from all other responsibilities in our lives.” – Leslie Knope

48. “Sometimes you gotta work a little so you can ball a lot.” – Tom Haverford

49. “Bossman, I wanna go home early. Ooh, hold on actually, hang on. Yeah, no, I wanna quit and never come here again.” – Mona-Lisa Saperstein

50. “I want to open up my own club one day, maybe call it something like Club a Dub Dub, or the Club Marine. Sort of a submarine-themed club. Or Tom’s Bistro. The word ‘bistro’ is classy as shit.” – Tom Haverford

51. “Are you duking on my chest right now?” – Jeremy Jamm

52. “So, you know how you love me because you haven’t had a single meeting with anyone since I became your assistant? That’s because every time someone calls and requests a meeting with you, I always schedule it for March 31st—because I didn’t think March 31st existed.” – April Ludgate

53. Leslie Knope: “I have to get ready for the Chamber of Secrets—.”

Ben Wyatt: “Commerce.”

54. “Now, go find your team, and get to work.” – Leslie Knope

55. “Goodbye, Ann Perkins, my faithful employee. Hello, Ann Perkins, my fallopian princess.” – Chris Traeger

56. “Don’t start chasing applause and acclaim. That way lies madness.” – Ron Swanson

57. “I’m an official member of a task force dedicated to slashing the city budget.” – Ron Swanson

58. “I like Tom. He doesn’t do a lot of work around here. He shows zero initiative. He’s not a team player. He’s never wanted to go that extra mile. Tom is exactly what I’m looking for in a government employee.” – Ron Swanson

59. “It’s always a good idea to demonstrate to your coworkers that you are capable of withstanding a tremendous amount of pain.” – Ron Swanson

60. Leslie Knope: “I didn’t think you were gonna help.”

April Ludgate: “I still might not.”

61. “Put some alcohol in your mouth to block the words from coming out.” – Ron Swanson

62. “One time my refrigerator stopped working. I didn’t know what to do. I just moved.” – Tom Haverford

63. Ron Swanson: “I like your hairdo, Leslie.”

Leslie Knope: “Thank you, Ron.”

Ron Swanson: “It’s just like my brother’s. He’s an officer in the Air Force.”

64. “Leslie, I typed your symptoms into the thing up here, and it says you could have network connectivity problems.” – Andy Dwyer

65. “K to the N to the O. P. E. She’s the dopest little shorty in all Pawnee, Indiana.” – Jean-Ralphio

66. “When Andy and I used to go to the movies, he would always try to guess the ending of the movie. And he would always guess that the main character had been dead the whole time. Even when we saw Ratatouille.” – Ann Perkins

67. “Oh my god! Hey, Dr. Buttons! I mean, my old calculator. It doesn’t have a name.” – Ben Wyatt

68. “Thank god just died, so I am flush-uh-shed with ca-ah-ash.” – Jean Ralphio

69. “Do you think a depressed person could make this? No.” – Ben Wyatt

70. “I’m going to tell you all of my secrets. I once forgot to brush my teeth for five weeks. I didn’t actually sell my car, I just forgot where I parked it. I don’t know who Al Gore is and at this point, I’m too afraid to ask. When they say 2% milk I don’t know what the other 98% is. When I was a baby my head was so big scientists did experiments on me. I once threw beer at a swan and then it attacked my , Rebecca.” – Andy Dwyer 

71. “I have a resting heart rate of 23 beats per minute. The scientists who study me say my heart can pump jet fuel up into an airplane.” – Chris Traeger

72. “I wonder who else was born in Eagleton. Voldemort, probably.” – Leslie Knope

73. “I want to be a giant head and mouth, and just eat rows and rows of junk food pellets.” – Ann Perkins

74. “I wasn’t listening but I strongly disagree with Ann.” – April Ludgate

75. “I don’t know what happened! I took it out to play hide and seek, I couldn’t find it, and—oh wait, I know what happened.” – Andy Dwyer

76. “Can you Photoshop your life with better decisions, Jerry?” – April Ludgate

77. “I think you’ve got several options. They’re all terrible—but you have them.” – Chris Traeger

78. “Horizons are dumb. Never broaden your horizons.” – April Ludgate

79. “The less I know about other people’s affairs, the happier I am. I’m not interested in caring about people.” – Ron Swanson

80. “I don’t want to be overdramatic, but today felt like a hundred years in hell and the absolute worst day of my life.” – Leslie Knope

81. “It’s like I always say, ‘When life gives you lemons, you sell some of your grandma’s jewelry, and go clubbing.’” – Jean Ralphio

82. “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. I read that one on a can of lemonade. I like to think it applies to life.” – Andy Dwyer

83. “If I had to have anybody tell me that I have , I would want it to be me.” – Chris Traeger

84. “Lucky for me, I’ve processed all my feelings. And I’ve gone through the five stages of grief; denial, anger, internet commenting, cat adoption, African dance, cat returning to the adoption place, watching all the episodes of Murphy Brown, and not giving a flying fart.” – Leslie Knope

85. “I have the toes I have, let’s leave it at that.” – Ron Swanson

86. “I’ve been quite open about this around the office; I don’t want this parks department to build any parks because I don’t believe in the government. I think that all governments are a waste of taxpayer money. My dream is to have the park system privatized and run entirely by for-profit corporations, like Chuck E. Cheese. They have an impeccable business model. I would rather work for Chuck E. Cheese.” – Ron Swanson

87. “I would like to be president someday, so no I have not smoked marijuana. I ate a brownie once at a party in college. It was intense. It was kind of indescribable, actually. I felt like I was floating. Turns out there wasn’t any pot in the brownie, it was just an insanely good brownie.” – Leslie Knope

88. “I stand behind my decision to avoid salad and other disgusting things.” – Leslie Knope

89. “My only official recommendations are U.S. Army-issued mustache trimmers, Morton’s salt, and the C.R. Lawrence Fein two-inch ax-style scraper oscillating knife blade.” – Leslie Knope

90. “You know, in the 1880s, there were a few years that were pretty rough and tumble in Pawnee. This depicts kind of a famous fight between Reverend Bradley and Annabeth Stevenson, a widowed mother of seven. The original title of this was ‘A Lively Fisting.’ But y’know, they had to change it for—obvious reasons.” – Leslie Knope

91. “Pawnee’s Library Department is the most diabolical, ruthless bunch of bureaucrats I’ve ever seen. They’re like a biker gang, but instead of shotguns and crystal meth they use political savvy and shhhing.” – Leslie Knope

92. “Birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards.” – Ron Swanson

93. April Ludgate: “Why’d you pay for a limo?”

Andy Dwyer: “Because it’s prom. If you don’t show up in a limo, legally they can’t let you in.”

94. “I guess my thoughts on abortion are, you know, let’s all just have a good time.” – Bobby Newport

95. “Oh, well, math is worthless in real life.” – Leslie Knope

96. “The Tucker Park Graffiti Removal Project was a great idea that just ran out of steam. We had removed five cartoon penises—not even 10% when we were shut down due to lack of funding. To this day, I am haunted by those remaining penises.” – Leslie Knope

97. Leslie Knope: “You’re from Chicago, so you like it.”

: “That’s right and we need passionate people like you from our national parks. Are you nodding because you agree with me?”

Leslie Knope: “I agree with you on all things. Throughout history until the end of time forever.”

98. “There are three acceptable haircuts; high and tight, crew cut, buzz cut.” – Ron Swanson

99. “Most people would say ‘the deets,’ but I say ‘the tails.’ Just another example of innovation.” – Tom Haverford

100. “I have the most valuable currency in America; a blind, stubborn belief that I’m 100% right.” – Leslie Knope

101. “Scientists believe that the first human being to live 150 years has already been born. I believe I am that human being.” – Chris Traeger

102. “I had to call in a few favors. But if you don’t call in favors to look at women in bikinis and assign them numerical grades, what the hell do you call in favors for?” – Tom Haverford

103. “Jogging is the worst. I know it keeps you healthy, but God, at what cost?” – Ann Perkins

104. “I love Andy, but to be perfectly honest, Mouse Rat’s music is not my thing. I really only listen to, like, German Death Reggae and Halloween sound effects records from the 1950s. And Bette Midler. Obviously.” – April Ludgate

105. “I passed up a gay Halloween party to be here. Do you know how much fun gay Halloween parties are? Last year I saw three Jonas Brothers make out with three Robert Pattinsons. It was amazing.” – April Ludgate

106. “This morning I saw a YouTube video with a puppy riding a motorcycle. So my bar for stunning is pretty high.” – Tom Haverford

107. “Fishing relaxes me. It’s like yoga, except I still get to kill something.” – Ron Swanson

108. Ann Perkins: “Hobbies?” 

Leslie Knope: “Organizing my agenda. Wait, that doesn’t sound fun—jammin’ on my planner!”

109. “Are you kidding me? Sell baby, sell! Could you imagine the Treat Yo’Self day we could have? It would be pedicures on top of pedicures on top of pedicures.” – Donna Meagle

110. “Halloween is my favorite holiday. It’s just the best. And I don’t have to work! Hey slutty teenage girls dressed as sexy kittens, pump your own stomachs this year!” – Ann Perkins

111. “I’m gonna buy some sweatpants and a Nicholas Sparks novel. Might as well lean into it.” – Tom Haverford

112. “Oh, I love any book about , werewolves, monsters, zombies, sorcerers, beasties, or time-traveling romances. And if I had an hour alone with Robert Pattinson, he would forget all about Skinny Legs Magee, I’ll tell you that much.” – Donna Meagle

113. “Idaho cut their parks department by 80%. And Idaho is basically one giant park.” – Ben Wyatt

114. “We will get along just fine, though hopefully not too fine because I am not looking for any new friends.” – Ron Swanson

115. “She’s the worst person I’ve ever met. I want to travel the world with her.” – April Ludgate

116. “Ladies celebrating ladies. It’s like Lilith Fair, minus the angst.” – Leslie Knope

117. “Jean Ralphio, although I truly hope that I never see you again, I do wish you a long and happy life.” – Leslie Knope

118. “I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.” – Ron Swanson

119. “Normally, people tell you to talk about your problems. I’m gonna recommend you bottle that noise up.” – Donna Meagle

120. “You know my code. Hoes before bros. Uteruses before duderuses. Ovaries before brovaries.” – Leslie Knope

121. “Michelle we were best friends since high school, except when you stop talking to me because you thought your boyfriend was into me. He was.” – Donna Meagle

122. “Friends—one to three is sufficient.” – Ron Swanson

123. “I’m allergic to sushi. Every time I eat more than 80 sushis, I barf.” – Andy Dwyer

124. “Strippers do nothing for me—but I will take a free breakfast buffet anytime, anyplace.” – Ron Swanson

125. “There has never been a sadness that can’t been cured by breakfast food.” – Ron Swanson

126. “Calzones are pointless. They’re just pizza that’s harder to eat. No one likes them.” – Leslie Knope

127. “Well, I salsa your face.” – Ann Perkins

128. “When I eat, it is the food that is scared.” – Ron Swanson

129. “Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream, or be nothing.” – Ron Swanson

130. “Pizza? Never heard of it.” – Ben Wyatt

131. “I’m gonna get drunk and then I’m gonna order a three-course meal where each course is made of dessert.” – Leslie Knope

132. “Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.” – Ron Swanson

133. “I tried to make ramen in the coffee pot and I broke everything.” – Andy Dwyer

134. “I’ve never seen you buy a salad at Sue’s Salads.” – Tanya

135. “You can’t say your favorite kind of cake is a birthday cake. That’s like saying your favorite kind of cereal is breakfast cereal.” – Tom Haverford

136. “I would like a glass of red wine and I’ll take the cheapest one you have because I can’t tell the difference.” – Leslie Knope

137. “I’m a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women, and breakfast food.” – Ron Swanson

138. “If you don’t believe in love, what’s the point of living?” – Ron Swanson

139. “Andy, if you have a secret, you have to tell me. That’s the whole point of marriage! You get twice the secrets!” – April Ludgate

140. “A couple more rules; if you ever watch a sad movie, you have to wear mascara so we can see whether or not you’ve been crying. There’s no noise allowed on Mondays. And no TV after breakfast.” – April Ludgate

141. “I love how independent my wife is, and for that reason, I will not let her speak! That came out wrong.” – Ben Wyatt

142. “I haven’t felt this good in years. And it’s not just because of the supplements he has me taking and the soluble fiber and the increase in regularity. It’s him.” – Ann Perkins

143. “Do you think that marrying penguins made some kind of statement?” – Leslie Knope

144. “My first ex-wife’s name is Tammy. My second ex-wife’s name is Tammy. My mom’s name is Tamara—she goes by Tammy.” – Ron Swanson

145. “Guys love it when you can show them you’re better than they are at something they love.” – Leslie Knope

146. “One time I waited outside a woman’s house for five days just to show her how serious I was about wanting to drill her. Turns out, it was the wrong house. She loved the story anyway. We got to third base. Over the pants.” – Jean-Ralphio

147. “Leslie and Dr. Clipperton. Wow, man! I—I’m so glad you guys are meeting. It’s like worlds collide and then I love it. I want candy.” – Ben Wyatt

148. “I love you guys! And Ann specifically.” – Leslie Knope

149. “Use him. Abuse him. Lose him. That’s the Meagle motto.” – Donna Meagle

150. “I love games that turn people against each other.” – April Ludgate

151. “I’m sorry I have to ask this, but how many legs did that dog have when you found him?” – Ben Wyatt

152. “Ann, you opalescent tree shark.” – Leslie Knope

153. “I’m like an elephant, okay? If I walk into a room, it’s like, okay, he’s in there.” – Tom Haverford

154. “His name is Champion because he’s the dog world champion.” – Andy Dwyer

155. “These dogs are so cute I want to throw up and kill myself.” – Craig Middlebrooks

156. “Oh Ann, you beautiful tropical fish.” – Leslie Knope

157. “The raccoon problem is under control. They have their part of the town and we have ours.” – Leslie Knope

158. “Any dog under 50 pounds is a cat, and cats are useless.” – Ron Swanson

159. “You’re ridiculous and men’s rights are nothing.” – Leslie Knope

160. “Can we have one conversation about feminism where men get to be in charge?” – Kipp Bunthart

161. “I hope no one minds if I live-tweet this bitch.” – Donna Meagle

162. “This is so awesome. We are like Robin Hood. We steal from the club and give it to ourselves.” – Andy Dwyer

163. “I can convince small children that I’m a witch.” – April Ludgate

164. “I had a small part in Argo. As well as the porn version, Our Goo.” – Brandy Maxx

165. “Besides, what’s more cuterus than your uterus.” – Leslie Knope

166. “This seems like the type of place where a Ska band would go to shoot heroin.” – Ann Perkins

167. “On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how pissed is he?” – Tom Haverford

168. “I’ll have a glass of your most expensive red wine mixed with a glass of your cheapest white wine served in a dog bowl. Silly straws all around, please.” – April Ludgate

169. “Daddy, someone started a fire in your car because you took too long and I got bored.” – Mona-Lisa Saperstein

170. “Ann, there is nothing harder in the entire world than saying no to your beautiful face.” – Leslie Knope

171. “I once ate a Twix with the wrapper on it, and I’ve never seen the wrapper come out. Also, I’ve swallowed every piece of gum that I’ve chewed for the past 25 years.” – Andy Dwyer

172. “It’s not my favorite shirt—but it is my least favorite shirt.” – Donna Meagle

173. “Ann, you’re so sweet and innocent and pretty.” – Leslie Knope

174.“I hope you brought a change of clothes. Your eyes are about to piss tears.” – Jean-Ralphio

175. “Why don’t you turn that frizown upsidizity.” – Jean-Ralphio

176. “Who hasn’t had gay thoughts?” – Ben Wyatt

177. “Treat yo self.” – Donna Meagle

178. “It’s my birthday party.” – April Ludgate

179. “Boring is my middle name.” – Leslie Knope

180. “Literally.” – Chris Traeger

181. “You just got jammed.” – Jeremy Jamm

182. “I got run over by a Lexus!” – Jean-Ralphio

183. “Say goodbye to your father.” – Orin

184. “Do I look like I drink water?” – Donna Meagle

185. “Do it. Fierce. Power.” – Leslie Knope

186. “Root Beer is super water.” – Tom Haverford

187. “You’re like an angel with no wings.” – Andy Dwyer

188. “You have all the strengths.” – Leslie Knope

189. “You get to BS-ing; brainstorming.” – Leslie Knope


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