2. “Anyone who does anything creative is always gonna want to change.”

3. “I’ve always wanted to sail around the world in a handmade boat, and I built a boat.”

4. “It’d be great to be in a position where you can make choices regardless of money.”

5. “Winners get to do what they want.”

6. “So if guns kill people, I guess pencils misspell words, cars drive drunk, and spoons make people fat.”

7. “I’ve never been a conceited person or cocky, never felt boastful, but I always had a sense of self-worth. I always had a real sense of myself.”

8. “All you have in comedy, in general, is just going with your instincts. You can only hope that other people think that what you think is funny is funny. I don’t have an answer but I just try to plow straight ahead.”

9. “You still have that competitive thing where you want to try to make hits. That won’t go away unless the mayor of show business says my time’s up.”

10. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”

11. “I have the physique a lot of people dream about having. It’s my obligation to share it with the world.”

12. “For just one night let’s not be co-workers. Let’s be co-people.”

13. “I am very political. I have deep political instincts.”

14. “There’s always going to be someone as funny as you or funnier.”

Also read:

15. “Aren’t we all striving to be overpaid for what we do?”

16. “Immature is a word that boring people use to describe fun people.”

17. “I freaking love you.”

18. “I’ve always had—when I needed it—an extreme amount of focus that I could put into something. That has served me well.”

19. “It’s just nice to meet another human that shares my affinity for elf culture.”

20. “As you set off into the world, don’t be afraid to question your leaders.”

21. “Hey. They laughed at when he said he was gonna go to the moon. Now he’s up there, laughing at them.”

22. “I have only been funny about seventy 74% of the time. Yes, I think that is right. Seventy-four percent of the time.”

23. “Saturday Night Live is such a comedy boot camp in a way because you get to work with so many different people who come in to host the show.”

24. “It’s very easy for me to play silly, but to reveal something closer to you, that’s so much harder.”

25. “I’m a Cancer. I’m music-passionate. I like long walks on the beach.”

26. “When homeless people ask me for change, I tell them ‘change comes from within.’”

27. “Inappropriate behavior makes me laugh.”

25. “Enjoy the little fun things, like taking your kids to school before they’re all grown up.” 

29. “I would love to play Simon Cowell in a movie. Heck, I would love it. It would be my dream role.”

30. “Anyone can memorize facts and figures. The real way to learn anything is to go out and experience it. Let your curiosity lead you.”

31. “I guess destiny is not the path given to us but the path we choose for ourselves.”

32. “The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear!”

33. “If you set up an environment where failing is encouraged then you want to try everything. It’s obviously the best way to work.”

34. “To those of you graduates sitting out there who have a pretty good idea of what you’d like to do with your life. Congratulations. For many of you who maybe don’t have it all figured out, it’s okay. That’s the same chair that I sat in. Enjoy the process of your search without succumbing to the pressure of the result. Trust your gut, keep throwing darts at the dartboard, don’t listen to the critics, and you will figure it out.”

35. “I always just forced myself to do crazy things in public. In college, I would push an overhead projector across campus with my pants just low enough to show my butt. Then my friend would incite the crowd to be like, ‘Look at that idiot!’ That’s how I got over being shy.”

36. “Let’s capture the dream.”

37. “One day I’ll get you over that wall of anger, and it will be glorious!”

38. “It’s nice to be in a place where I can be a little more selective, and to be sought out for ideas that I have.”

39. “I think anyone who has, you know, is in any sort of artistic pursuit, kind of goes up and down with the way they feel about their work. And I, for the most part, am a pretty happy person. But, yeah. I go through definite periods of time where I’m not funny. I’m not good. I’m—I don’t feel original.”

40. “Kinda funny how the colors red, white, and blue represent freedom. Until they are flashing behind you.”

41. “All I’m asking for is total perfection.”

42. “I think a lot of the instincts you have doing comedy are really the same for doing drama, in that it’s essentially about listening. The way I approach comedy is you have to commit to everything as if it’s a dramatic role, meaning you play it straight.”

43. “I wanna say something. I’m gonna put it out there. If you like it, you can take it, if you don’t, send it right back. I want to be on you.”

44. “Dear life, When I said, ‘Can my day get any worse?’ it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.”

45. “I don’t really think in absolutes.”

46. “I’m really an artist of feeling. I like creating things when it feels right.”

47. “I don’t even consider myself an impressionist, really.”

48. “I’m a bit of a gourmet chef. I love cooking, mostly Thai food.”

49. “I love playing the macho guy who looks like an idiot.” 

50. “I’ll also just do things like walk around the house and just show the top of my butt crack and not notice it.”

51. “I’ve always loved watching the news on TV. As a kid, I loved watching Walter Cronkite, for some reason.”

52. “I would think beer and football go hand in hand.”

53. “I don’t really have aspirations to be .”

54. “I’m always in these situations where I forget to separate what is pitched as an idea to the fact that I’m actually going to have to execute it.”

55. “I live by ‘earnin’ and burnin’.’ Meaning, I like to make money and spend it before I even have it. That’s the way I live my life.”

56. “My wife and I always enjoy going for a jog.”

57. “I’m a selective packrat. There are some things I have no problem getting rid of and others I hold onto dearly.”

58. “I’ve never had a yard sale, ever, in my life. I don’t know if I ever thought about stuff I would get rid of.”

59. “One of my first memories of being a kid was, ‘I want to have a real job when I grow up.’ And to me, that meant you wear a suit and a hat and carry a briefcase and go to your job.”

60. “My bed and I are deeply in love. It’s obvious my alarm clock is jealous.”

61. “We should have a way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings like, ‘well I’m bored, let’s go brush our teeth.”’

62. “Because stressed spelled backward is desserts. Mindblown.”

63. “I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.”

64. “There is usually a high volume in the house. Whether they’re having a great time or whether they’re losing their minds, they are always yelling.”

65. “I changed all my passwords to ‘incorrect.’ So my computer just tells me when I forget.”

66. “I really regret opening my mouth and talking to you.”

67. “Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which of course, in German means a whale’s vagina.”

68. “If Bruce Dickinson wants more cowbell, we should probably give him more cowbell.”

69. “Maybe Voldemort’s face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.”

70. “Hey, Nancy Kerrigan. You an official here? Cuz you have officially given me a boner.”

71. “Oftentimes I’m confronted with a quote that I don’t remember saying. So, on one hand, it’s very flattering, it is just so surreal.”

72. “If the moon was made of barbecue spare ribs, would ya eat it?”

73. “For about a month, my urine smells like marshmallows.”

74. “I never let my children watch big band performances on TV. Too much sax and violins.”

75. “Oftentimes, even as a little kid, I would get up before anyone else. My brother would still be sleeping, my would still be sleeping, so I would literally play ‘Monopoly’ by myself. I would play board games. I would do things by myself.”

76. “I remember going with my mom to a random garage sale as a kid and thinking what a cool treasure hunt that the whole world was. Only to transition as an adult to think, ‘What a gross place that really is.’”

77. “Since I was eight years old, I went to Trinity. I mean, I listened to Reverend Wright since I was a kid and I always heard him preach sermons of love and inspiration.”

78. “When I was 10, I wrote an essay on what I would be when I grew up and said I would be a professional soccer player and a comedian in the off-season.”

79. “I still regret that I never played soccer in high school. I chose basketball over soccer.”

80. “I don’t know about living on an automatic pilot, but I’ve had times where I’ve decided to just test myself and my mettle, and for no good reason other than it’s what life is. Even before I was acting, I had, like, one day in high school I decided to just show them my pajamas, just for no good reason.”

81. “I know the nature of comedy, and you never know what will happen with the next movie or whether people will find it funny.” 

82. “I was one of the richest rappers in 2008. But it was definitely a strange feeling.”

83. “When I was a kid, ‘Land of the Lost’ was my favorite show, just because it was in the landscape of Saturday morning cartoons. It was so unique. It was a live-action show and kids were in it, these creatures, these Sleestaks, and dinosaurs. Every week was a different adventure. I couldn’t wait. I loved it so much.”

84. “Well, um, actually a pretty nice little Saturday, we’re going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don’t know, I don’t know if we’ll have enough time.”

85. “If we went to a Halloween party dressed as Batman and Robin, I’d go as Robin. That’s how much you mean to me.”

86. “When someone says they have to ask you a question, you think of all the bad things you’ve done recently.”

87. “A fashion plate, a rock star in his own mind, Megamind is more showman than deadly menace.”

88. “I’ve been called the songbird of my generation by people who’ve heard me. That’s good.”

89. “Whenever someone calls me ugly, I get super sad and hug them, because I know how tough life is for the visually impaired.”

90. “I always find it actually funny that the analysis is that the characters I play in comedies are the manchild, the adolescent, characters that refuse to grow up. And yet, if you look back in the history of comedy all the way back to the Marx brothers, that’s a big part of comedy.”

91. “I was never a class clown or anything like that, but I do remember being in the first grade and my teacher, Mr. Chad, told the class one day that we were going to do some exercises. He meant math exercises, but I stood up and started doing jumping jacks. To this day, I don’t know what possessed me to do that, but all my friends cracked up.”

92. “Molly Shannon and I used to always talk about that we really felt strongly that we were comedic actors, that we weren’t comedians. You just played things real and the comedy came out of the context.”

93. “You tend to get reluctant to talk about anything until the day before filming.”

94. “It would be great to be able to follow in the footsteps of Bill Murray. I really respect his ability as a comedian, obviously, but even more so as an actor.”

95. “When a dramatic actor does a funny film, people are like, ‘Wonderful! I didn’t know he was funny!’ But when it flips, people can get really thrown by it.”

96. “When you hear that you’re going to be working with a first-time director, sometimes that can be a concern to people.”

97. “I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.”

 98. “I think with the success of like every summer there have been a couple of R-rated comedies that have done so well. I think it is so nice to see that people are turning out to see these movies, and it doesn’t seem to be as big a stigma with the studios anymore.”

99. “I guess ultimately a lot of comedians just wanna be taken seriously.”

100. “Don’t act like you’re not impressed.”

101. “If you can sing alone, you sing in front of other people. There’s no difference.”

102. “If you ain’t first, you’re last.”

103. “It’s that damn Hansel! He’s so hot right now!”

104. “Help me, Jesus! Help me Jewish God! Help me, Allah! Help me, Tom Cruise! Tom Cruise, use your witchcraft on me to get the fire off me!”

105. “No, you go to hell, and while you’re there, why don’t you grab me a juice box!”

106. “We elves try to stick to the four main food groups, candy, candy cane, candy corn, and syrup.”

107. “Here’s the deal I’m the best there is. Plain and simple.”

108. “I passed through the seven levels of the Candy Cane forest, through the sea of swirly twirly gumdrops, and then I walked through the Lincoln Tunnel.”

109. “Did that blow your mind? Because that just happened!”

110. “How ’bout we go get kicked out of an Applebee’s?”

111. “I look good. I mean, really good. Hey everyone! Come and see how good I look!”

112. “I swear, I’m so pissed off at my mom. As soon as she’s of age, I’m putting her in a home.”

113. “It’s so dang hot, milk was a bad choice.”

114. “This sticker is dangerous and inconvenient, but I do love Fig Newtons.”

115. “Why not work with your friends? It’s working with people you know, and you share the same sensibility.”

116. “I will watch a movie that is quote-unquote dark and not get the qualification of what is dark and what is not.”

117. “Microwave minutes are longer than regular minutes.”

118. “Members of the Senate and House, if they want to send troops into war, should be forced to send a family member. That would really make everyone stop and go, ‘Ohhh-kaaay.’”

119. “Let’s take extra care to follow the instructions or you’ll be put to sleep.”

120. “My dad turned me onto Peter Sellers as a kid. I loved the fact that he was a unique combination of being extremely subtle and over-the-top all at the same time, and that’s a hard thing to do. I admire that.”

121. “Whoever invented rope was a real asshole.”

122. “I grew up in an entertainment family, and so I saw how susceptible you are to the ups and downs of this business.”

123. “Alcohol is like photoshop for real life.”

124. “You sit on a throne of lies.”

125. “In the fourth grade, I learned how to fake walking into a door. You know, you hit it with your hand and snap your head back. The girls loved it.” 

126. “Dang, I forgot to go to the gym yesterday. That’s 10 years in a row now.”

127. “What do and LeBron James have in common? They both don’t know what a championship Ring looks like.”

128. “I’m sorry I ruined your lives and crammed 11 cookies into the VCR.”

129. “I hate when someone drives my car and resets all the radio presets. I don’t understand it. If I was ever driving someone’s car, I would never touch the things that were set.”

131. “I did plenty of jobs that I hated. I was a bank teller and terrible at it. I parked cars, a valet. I answered the phone. I somehow avoided being a waiter. I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep the order straight. I’m not much of a multi-tasker.”

131. “When I see a bruised apple in a grocery store, I hold it close and whisper ‘who did this to you.’”

132. “I just saw the film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?”

133. “How many sarcastic pills did you take this morning?”

134. “Everybody panic! Oh my God, there’s a bear loose in the Coliseum! There will be no refunds! Your refund will be escaping this trap with your life! If you have a small child, use it as a shield! They love tender meat! Cover your sodas! Dewie loves sugar!”

135. “You keep your liver-spotted hands off of my beautiful mother! She’s a saint!”

136. “Well let me just quote the late-great Colonel Sanders, who said, ‘I’m too drunk to taste this chicken.’”

137. “If I was a teacher, I would staple Burger king applications on failed tests.”

138. “When I see my cat staring out of the window, I sit behind him and whisper. Look, Simba, Everything the light touches is our kingdom.”

139. “Turns out that button in the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it. It is not the button you push if you want a fireman’s hat.”

140. “Fun thing to do—go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people’s cars saying ‘sorry for the damage’ and watch them look at it.”

141. “I painted a picture of a butterfly!”

142. “Absolutely ma’am, I would love to sign your baby.”

143. “Can we turn our beds into bunk beds so that there is more room for activities?”

144. “I might be more fluent in Swedish than I am in Spanish. My wife speaks it to our kids, and they’re fluent so I hear it all the time, so I’ve got that under my belt.”

145. “There’s nothing sexy about Orange County.”

146. “I’d love to become like Bill Murray, who was so funny on ‘Saturday Night Live’ and has gone on to do some of the landmark comedies people like. And then to add this whole other phase to his career with ‘Lost in Translation’ and ‘Rushmore.’ I always felt to be able to have something similar to that would be great.”

147. “I built a jail in my closet and I would incarcerate my family from time to time.”

148. “The funny guy doesn’t get the girl until later in life. High school, college, everyone still wants the brooding, dangerous guy you shouldn’t have.”

149. “By the time I was ready for college, I didn’t know what I wanted to do. I think I secretly wanted a show business career, but I was suppressing it.”

150. “Did we just become best friends?”

151. “I was a strange kid in that, while most kids hate school and want to turn 18 or 21, I loved high school.”

152. “So, good news. I saw a dog today.”

153. “That escalated quickly. I mean, that really got out of hand.”

154. “Tip to reduce weight—turn your head to the left then turn it right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.”

155. “You shot me right in the arm! Why did you?”

156. “You know if you stare at an eclipse head on it’ll burn your eyes out.”

157. “When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate, and sweets. Why?”

158. “Good receives all the praise and adulation while evil is sent to quiet time in the corner.”

159. “What do we want? A cure for diabetes! When do we want it? After lunch!”

160. “It’s one of those things that’s both endearing and comedic at the same time.”

161. “Hey, mom! Can we get some meatloaf? What is she doing back there? I never know what she’s doing.”

162. “You’re my boy, Blue!”

163. “Mr. Reynolds has apparently changed his name to Turd Ferguson.”

164. “We are in the era of birthday parties with a parting gift and a bouncing house and jugglers and a live camel.”

165. “If I had Morgan Freeman’s voice, I would sit in a corner and talk to myself for days.”

166. “The message of the movie is we’re all flying blind a little bit as parents.”

167. “Try to look your child in the eye. Get to know their name, that becomes important when you want something. And remember to feed them. That’s about all you need.”

168. “Boy, they make me laugh probably every single day just with the way they look at the world.”

169. “Oh that’s easy, I just don’t go. I never know when they are.”


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here