160 Scott Pilgrim Quotes on Love & Humor

Enjoy!

1. “When I’m around you, I kind of feel like I’m on drugs. Not that I do drugs. Unless you do drugs, in which case I do them all the time. All of them.” – Scott Pilgrim

2. “Because I’m in lesbians with you. I really, really mean it.” – Scott Pilgrim

3. “You know what really sucks? Everything.” – Scott Pilgrim

4. “I have to go pee due to boredom.” – Scott Pilgrim

5. “We are sex bob-omb and we are here to make you think about death, and get sad, and stuff.” – Scott Pilgrim

6. “This next song goes out to the guy who keeps yelling from the balcony. It’s called, ‘We hate you, please die.’” – Crash

7. “I don’t think I can hit a girl. They’re soft.” – Scott Pilgrim

8. “You once were a ve-gone, but now you will be gone.” – Scott Pilgrim

9. “Scott, if your life had a face, I would punch it.” – Kim Pine

10. “If I peed my pants, would you pretend I just got wet from the rain?” – Scott Pilgrim

11. “Then, why don’t you give me the cliff notes on how—why you ended up dating this a-hole?” – Scott Pilgrim

12. “If you want something bad, you have to fight for it. Step up your game, Scott. Break out the ‘L’ word.” – Wallace Wells

13. “You broke the heart that broke mine.” – Knives Chau

14. “I mean, are you really happy or are you really evil?” – Kim Pine

15. “That’s it, you cocky cock. You’ll pay for your crimes against humanity.” – Scott Pilgrim

16. “My last job is a long story filled with sighs.” – Scott Pilgrim

17. “I play better in a bad mood.” – Scott Pilgrim

18. “Ciao, Knives!”– Scott Pilgrim

19. “I don’t know. It’s just nice, you know? It’s just simple.” – Scott Pilgrim

20. “I’ve never even kissed a guy before.” – Knives Chau

21. “That gossipy bitch.” – Scott Pilgrim

22. Scott Pilgrim: “Why can’t we have our own secret shows?”

Kim Pine: “All our shows are secret shows.”

23. “So, what’s on Monday?” – Scott Pilgrim

24. “Save it. You’re pretentious. This club sucks. I got beef. Let’s do it.” – Scott Pilgrim

25. “I just woke up, and you were in my dream. I dreamt that you were delivering me this package. Is that weird?” – Scott Pilgrim

26. “I love garlic bread. I could honestly eat it all the time, nonstop.” – Scott Pilgrim

27. Todd Ingram: “We have an unfinished business. I and he.”

Scott Pilgrim: “He and me.” 

28. “‘Cause, it’s Friday now. She’s the weekends off so, Monday, right?” – Todd Ingram

29. “Are you a pirate?” – Scott Pilgrim

30. “Bread makes you fat?” – Scott Pilgrim

31. “I know you play mysterious and aloof just to avoid getting hurt. And I know you have reasons for not wanting to talk about your past. I want you to know that I don’t care about any of that stuff.” – Scott Pilgrim

32. “We all have baggage.” – Ramona Flowers

33. “Open your eyes. Maybe you’ll see!” – Scott Pilgrim

34. “Am I dreaming? I’ll leave you alone forever now.” – Scott Pilgrim

35. Stephen Stills : “What are you doing?”

Scott Pilgrim : “Getting a life.” 

36. “I gotta pee on her! I mean, I gotta pee.” – Scott Pilgrim

37. “Come on, man! I put my promises aside for the music! If I can do that, we can do anything.” – Scott Pilgrim

38. “It’s not a race, guys!” – Wallace Wells

39. “You’re kidding. Anyone can be vegan.” – Scott Pilgrim

40. “Yeah, I know, but she did it without making a big deal out of it or anything. She’s fickle, impulsive, spontaneous. God, what am I going to do?” – Scott Pilgrim

41. “I can read your thoughts. Your will is broken. You’re through.” – Todd Ingram

42. “Scotty, you can cheat on all the ladies you like, but you can’t cheat death.” – Gideon Graves

43. “Not only do I wanna take part, I wanna take them apart!” – Scott Pilgrim

44. “Say we drink to my memory. Fair trade blend with soy milk?” – Scott Pilgrim

45. “You guys sound better without me. Young Neil, you’ve learned well. From this point forward, you will be known as Neil.” – Scott Pilgrim

46. “Double negative. Tricky.” – Scott Pilgrim

47. “He had snot in his nose? But he’s famous.” – Scott Pilgrim

48. “Oh, come to this first round of this battle of the bands thing.” – Scott Pilgrim

49. “Yeah, but don’t worry, maybe soon you’ll meet my ‘new-new’ girlfriend.” – Scott Pilgrim

50. “How are you doing that with your mouth?” – Scott Pilgrim

51. “It’s no biggie. Um, you know, I know it’s early, but I don’t think anything can get in the way of how I shit!” – Scott Pilgrim

52. “Sweet. Coins!” – Scott Pilgrim

53. “Evil? You mean, do I have, like, ulterior motives? I’m offended, Kim.” – Scott Pilgrim

54. “Yeah, well my baggage doesn’t try to kill me every five minutes!” – Scott Pilgrim

55. “That’s Gideon? Gideon is G-Man?” – Scott Pilgrim

56. “Is there anywhere you don’t work?” – Scott Pilgrim

57. “She’ll geek. She geeks. She has the capacity to geek.” – Scott Pilgrim

58. “Okay, let’s start with launchpad McQuack.” – Scott Pilgrim

59. “Dating a high schooler? Scandalous!” – Stacey Pilgrim

60. “You just have this convenient subspace highway running through your head that I like to use. It’s like, 3 miles in 15 seconds. I forgot you guys don’t have that in Canada.” – Ramona Flowers

61. “Scott, you are the salt of the earth. I meant, scum of the earth.” – Kim Pine

62. “Every Pilgrim reaches the end of his journey—some sooner than others.” – Roxy Richter

63. “Okay, right. You know how you only use 10% of your brain? Well the other 90 is filled with curds and whey.” – Todd Ingram

64. “That’s probably just because he’s better than you.” – Wallace Wells

65. “What? I’m not afraid to hit a girl. I’m a rockstar.” – Todd Ingram

66. “Wounded, even?” – Kim Pine

67. “Hi, I was thinking about asking you out. But then, I realized how stupid that would be. So do you want to go out sometime?” – Scott Pilgrim

68. “Basically, you can’t win this fight, so you better give up on this girl, ’cause Todd’s gonna kill you.” – Envy Adams

69. “Short answer—being vegan just makes you better than most people.” – Envy Adams

70. “Scott, not that I care, you should go talk to her before she’s gone. And I really don’t care.” – Kim Pine

71. “Okay, from here on out, no girlfriends, nor girlfriend talk at practice—whether they’re old, new, or ‘new-new.’ We were lucky to survive the last round. It’s sudden death now! Okay?” – Stephen Stills

72. “Next time, we won’t date the girl with 11 evil ex-boyfriends.” – Stacey Pilgrim

73. “Once we’re on stage, you’ll be fine.” – Kim Pine

74. “You should break up with your fake highschool girlfriend!” – Stacey Pilgrim

75. “Can we skip the dream time? Color me not interested.” – Other Scott

76. “Truth is, it was me who was obsessed. I was crazy about him. But he ignored me. I was more alone when we were together than I ever was on my own. That’s why I had to leave. And that’s when he started paying attention.” – Ramona Flowers

77. “Hey Ramona, I like your outfit—affordable?” – Envy Adams

78. “Say bye to your gay friends for me.” – Ramona Flowers

79. “Hey. What’s with his outfit?” – Wallace Wells

80. “You are incorrigible.” – Envy Adams

81. “You had a sexy phase?” – Scott Pilgrim

82. “Go ahead. I’m too cool for you anyway.” – Knives Chau

83. “Okay, presumably, you may have just seen a dude’s junk, and I’m very sorry for that.” – Wallace Wells

84. Ramona Flowers: “What kind of tea do you want?”

Scott Pilgrim: “There’s more than one kind?”

85. “Dude, this thing claims I have mail. Dude, now I’m totally reading it.” – Scott Pilgrim

86. Knives Chau: “You should come over to my house for dinner!”

Scott Pilgrim: “Like, Chinese food?”

87. “No, I just spilled hot cocoa on my crotch!” – Scott Pilgrim

88. “Well, pac-man was originally called puck-man. They changed it because, not because pac-man looks like a hockey puck. ‘Paku Paku’ means ‘flap your mouth,’ and they were worried that people would change, scratch out the P turn it into an F.” – Scott Pilgrim

89. “Naw, we broke up. Hey, check it out, I learned the bass line from Final Fantasy II.” – Scott Pilgrim

90. “Actually, muchacho, I put the coffee in this cup. But I thought really hard to put it in that one, ‘in my mind’s eye’ or whatever.” – Scott Pilgrim

91. “You know your hair?” – Scott Pilgrim

92. “Being a vegan gives you superpowers?” – Scott Pilgrim

93. “Amazon.ca! What’s the website for that?” – Scott Pilgrim

94. Matthew Patel: “Didn’t you get my e-mail explaining the situation?”

Scott Pilgrim: “I skimmed it.”

95. Stacey Pilgrim : “Did you really see a future with this girl?”

Scott Pilgrim: “Like with jetpacks?”

96. “Hey so, can this not be a one-night stand? For one thing, I didn’t even get any. That was a joke.” – Scott Pilgrim

97. “Wow, girl number.” – Scott Pilgrim

98. “No, no, I want to hang. It’s, you know, the whole evil ex-boyfriend thing.” – Scott Pilgrim

99. “So what you’re saying is we’re dating?” – Scott Pilgrim

100. “I couldn’t stop thinking about my stupid ex-girlfriend.” – Scott Pilgrim

101. “Okay. Well, maybe, do you wanna hang out sometime? Get to know each other. You’re the new kid on the block, right? I’ve lived here forever, so there are reasons for you to hang out with me.” – Scott Pilgrim

102. “No. Not even. That was some total ass. I was the other guy.” – Scott Pilgrim

103. Ramona Flowers: “You have a band?”

Scott Pilgrim: “Yeah, we’re terrible. Please come.” 

104. “Before you hear some dirty lies from someone else, yes I’m dating a 17-year-old.” – Scott Pilgrim

105. “Defeat your seven evil exes if we’re going to continue to date?” – Scott Pilgrim

106. “Okay, fine. I had to fight a guy to be with her, okay? I fought a crazy, 80-foot-tall purple-suited dude, and I had to fight 96 guys to get to him. He was flying and shooting lightning bolts from his eyes, okay?” – Scott Pilgrim

107. “You’re not alone. You’re just having some idiotic dream.” – Ramona Flowers

108. “And you didn’t bang her? Are you gay?” – Other Scott

109. “Scott, you know I love you. But I need my own bed tonight. It’s for sex. I may need it for the rest of the week too and the year.” – Wallace Wells

110. “No, I cheated on Knives with you.” – Scott Pilgrim

111. “She’s with Gideon now.” – Scott Pilgrim

112. “You cheated on me, Scott? You cheated on both of us?” – Knives Chau

113. “Listen, I know I can be hard to be around sometimes. I totally understand if you don’t want to hang anymore.” – Ramona Flowers

114. “It was football season, and for some reason, all the little jocks wanted me. Matthew was the only non-white, non-jock boy in town. So the two of us joined forces, and we took ’em all down.” – Ramona Flowers

115. “Can we please stop all this fighting! Nobody stole anybody. Knives, I dated you and then I dated Ramona. Okay?” – Scott Pilgrim

116. “You want me to hang out with you? If I say yes, will you sign for your damn package?” – Ramona Flowers

117. “He only likes her because she’s old!” – Knives Chau

118. “He was a snot-nosed little brat. He just followed me around.” – Ramona Flowers

119. “Scott! Evil ex! Fight!” – Wallace Wells

120. “Mister Pilgrim! It is I, Matthew Patel! Consider our fight begun!” – Matthew Patel

121. “You will pay for your insolence!” – Matthew Patel

122. “I’m sending you back to Gideon in a thousand pieces you slag!” – Roxy Richter

123. “They’re called jobs—something a ball like you wouldn’t know anything about.” – Julie Powers

124. “Hey, pal! I just wanna say I feel terrible about earlier. I don’t want any hard feelings, so I figured, why not be the bigger man, and just give you a call.” – Gideon Graves

125. “God dammit, Scott! Will you not just keep standing there, you’re freaking me out!” – Stephen Stills

126. “The only thing separating me from her is the two minutes it’s gonna take to kick your ass.” – Lucas Lee

127. “Okay, you listen up and you listen hard, bucko! The next click you hear will be me hanging up. The one after that will be me pulling the trigger!” – Lucas Lee

128. “I hope so, amigo. I don’t want any more bad blood between exes. What do you say?” – Gideon Graves

129. “Because you will be pulverized in two seconds, and the cleaning lady, she cleans up dust, she dusts.” – Todd Ingram

130. “No vegan diet, no vegan powers!” – Officer John

131. “Hey man, question. I’ve always wondered—how does not eating dairy products give you psychic powers?” – Stephen Stills

132. “Is that girl a boy, too?” – Wallace Wells

133. “You made me swallow my gum! That’s going to be in my digestive tract for seven years!” – Gideon Graves

134. “I want to have his adopted babies.” – Wallace Wells

135. “I partake not in the meat, nor the breast milk, nor the ovum of any creature with a face.” – Todd Ingram

136. “Don’t you talk to me about grammar!” – Todd Ingram

137. “Wait! We’re fighting over Ramona?” – Scott Pilgrim

138. “Prepare to feel the wrath of the league of evil exes.” – Lucas Lee

139. “Chicken isn’t vegan?” – Todd Ingram

140. “You punched me in the boob! Prepare to die, obviously.” – Roxy Richter

141. “You seriously don’t know about the league? Seven evil exes? Coming to kill you? Controlling the future of Ramona’s love life?” – Lucas Lee

142. “This song is called, ‘I am so sad, I am so very very sad.’ It goes a little something like this—so sad! Thank you.” – Crash

143. “Your bf is about to get f-ed in the b!” – Roxy Richter

144. “He punched the highlights out of her hair!” – Young Neil

145. “Kick her in the balls!” – Wallace Wells

146. “Wow, um, Zelda, Tetris. That’s kind of a big question.” – Young Neil

147. “We were just on stage for sound check, and the sound guy hated us!” – Stephen Stills

148. “Is it the news that we suck? Because I really don’t think I can take it.” – Kim Pine

149. “Dude, I can see in your mind’s eye that you put half-and-half into one of those coffees in an attempt to make me break vegan-edge. I’ll take the one with soy.” – Todd Ingram

150. “You just head-butted my boyfriend so hard he burst.” – Envy Adams

151. Scott Pilgrim: “I don’t think I’m ready to be a grown-up.” 

Kim Pine: “I don’t think you are either, buddy. But hey, you’ll get it. It just takes practice.”

152. “Obviously, one of us went to Professor Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters and one of us didn’t.” – Scott Pilgrim

153. “There’s a guy over there with a samurai sword.” – Kim Pine

154. “Dude, things never were the same. Change is—it’s what we get.” – Ramona Flowers

155. “What kind of idiot would knowingly date a girl named Knives?” – Ramona Flowers

156. “Let’s be friends based on mutual hate.” – Wallace Wells

157. “It was totally an accident. I didn’t mean to get you obsessed.” – Ramona Flowers

158. “What, a coffee? Hollie, I have some bad news. I hate you, okay?” – Kim Pine

159. “Scott suddenly realized for the first time, that all second cup exteriors do not lead to the same second cup interior.” – Bryan Lee O’Malley, Author