1. “There’s no better feeling than winning, dealing your opponent the deathblow, then standing over his lifeless body as the world around you leaps to their feet, falling all over each other to get a taste of your hero’s jism. The immature man revels in such adulations. The mature man, however, celebrates not, because he knows that every victory is just a precursor to another fucked-up test.”

2. “I play real sports. Not trying to be the best at exercising. Fuck this guy.”

3. “Stay in school. Fight the power. Don’t do drugs. Unless, of course, you’re doing them with me.”

4. “Sure, I’ve been called a xenophobe, but the truth is, I’m not. I honestly just feel that America is the best country and the other countries aren’t as good. That used to be called patriotism.”

5. “When my ass was 19 years old, I changed the face of . I was handed the keys to the kingdom. Multi-million dollar deals. Endorsements. Everyone wanted a piece of my shit. Just a man with a mind for victory and an arm like a fucking canon. But sometimes, when you bring the thunder, you get lost in the storm.” 

6. “Ask anybody out there, and they’ll tell you that the foundation of a great baseball player starts with an understanding of some basic fundamentals. Running, stretching, physical conditioning. These are the things that prepare your body for the many challenges a baseball player faces.”

7. “It’s no mystery that ass has always been tits’ greatest enemy. It’s almost like a Muslim-Jewish thing, but with tits and ass.”

8. “If you’ve got something you want to say, then just say it. You can save us a lot of time with this fuckin’ pointless history lesson in this goddamn creepy, uninmpressive, fuckin’ hall. I don’t like it in here. It’s gross.”

9. “It’s like goddamn Cocktoberfest in here. I’m excited too, but let’s not touch dicks, alright?”

10. “Undaunted, I knew the game was mine to win. Just like in life, all of my successes depend on me. I’m the man who has the ball, I’m the man who can throw it faster than fuck. So that is why I am better than everyone in the world. Kiss my ass and suck my dick, everyone.”

11. “I’m sick and tired of carrying all the weight, the coaches and owners not giving me the shit I need to win. Atlanta, you’re fucking out. Kenny Powers is now a free agent. Let’s buy the bar and get shitfaced. Get me paid, bitch!”

12. “Do I have all the attentions of everyone? Attention please. For those of y’all who do not know who I am, my name is Kenny Powers. And as fucked-up and weird as it may seem, I used to be a teacher here. But now I return to you. A victor, a champion, a man who has defeated the face of Mexican baseball, not to get back my old job—fuck that noise.”

13. “I’m sober and ready to destroy the competitions.”

14. “I recognize your scent. Do you recognize my essence? Yeah? Yeah, that feels familiar? I think I’m going to need to change my pants. I’m just playing, I didn’t come in my pants.”

15. “I’ve been blessed with many things in this life—an arm like a damn rocket, a cock like a burmese python, and the mind of a fucking scientist.”

16. “Fame, fortune, power, titties. People say these are the most crucial things in life. But, you can have a pocket full of gold, it doesn’t mean shit if you don’t have someone to share that gold with. Seems simple, yet it’s an important lesson to learn. Even lone wolves run in packs sometimes.”

17. “Once upon a time, I believed in destiny, but now I say, ‘F that B.’ Everything I have in this life, I earned myself. There’s no cosmic luck deciding shit for us. My wealth, my fame, my World Series pennant—I earned myself. The one thing I didn’t earn myself was when I caught crabs. I think I got those from sleeping at a Red Roof Inn.”

18. “Over the course of my career, I played on many different teams. Some I liked. Some I really fucking hated. I’m not mentioning any names, but let’s just say Seattle can tongue-kiss my shit hole.”

19. “When my ass was 34 years old, I quit professional baseball. I haven’t played professionally for several years now, but in my heart, I quit for real this time. Tonight. It’s time I accept the fact that the glory days of my life are now behind me. Just like Neil Armstrong, I went to space and now I’m back and nobody gives a shit.”

20. “There have been many comebacks throughout history; Jesus was dead, but then came back as an all-powerful God zombie. Ryan O’Neal had his ups and downs, but is now back and better than ever.”

21. “But, to capture the heart of one of your teachers, and take her away from you forever. So at this time I would like the beautiful, the forgiving, the talented, big-chested art teacher, to please step forward.”

22. “See, in life, when you have talent, all the other shit doesn’t matter. If we were on an island with no weights and no running drills, who would be on top then? The guy with the talent.”

23. “Chapter one, continued. More of what I was just saying. Never in a million years would I imagine myself being in Mexico. After all, who would? Most Mexicans spend the bulk of their day just trying to get out, so you can hardly blame foreigners like myself for not thinkin’ about gettin’ in.”

24. “The good thing about getting over depression is, well, you can start to see your enemies more clearly. Suddenly, everyone isn’t an obstacle, just some people are—and it might be someone that you find is in your bloodline, distant and as brown as their skin can be, they still are part of you.”

25. “Why would you do this to me? Here this whole time I thought you were the whore with a heart of gold. Instead you’re just a whore with a real whore’s heart.”

26. “I learned a lot down in Mexico. I learned that sometimes to be the man, you gotta beat the man. I learned the grass is not always greener. I learned that adversity’s sweet milk. That’s philosophy, April.”

27. “Reminds me of why I’m here in the first place. A quest is nothin’ if you got no one to brag about it to, will never reach the end if you’re only doing it for yourself.”

28. “The humongous part about being a celebrity is cashing in on it—making shitloads of money, having expensive, luxurious things. That way, in case one day you’re not famous, you can still be rich as hell and better than everyone around you.”

29. “If there’s one thing I hate, it’s losing. If there’s two things I hate, it’s losing and getting cancer.”

30. “I’ve had a lot of memories and sometimes, I have to dump the small ones to make room for the bigger ones. But sometimes, when you try to dump the smaller ones, you think they’re gone but they’re not. They’re sitting there, waiting to pick up exactly where they left off. No matter if there are new memories standing in their way or not.”

31. “In the end, you judge a man by how he influenced the world. You judge him by the seeds he left behind. And you judge his seeds by the harvest. Well, Kenny Powers’ harvest remains unknown. But, I’m pretty goddamn proud of my seeds.”

32. “If you ask me, the secret to success is to have a diverse portfolio. Too much of any one thing is fuckin’ no bueno. Of course sometimes balancing can be hard, but all things worth havin’, are worth fighting for. Sometimes, hard work pays off.”

33. “If you’re lucky, you get a second act in life. But sooner or later, death will come—unannounced. Old Man Reaper comes to reclaim your soul. All you can hope for is that the people you loved will cherish the time they spent with you.”

34. “But, if a man doesn’t have a dream, well guess what? His soul begins to die. So after you’ve accomplished your dreams, the best thing to do is to come up with new dreams. That way, as the years roll on, as they will do, you’ll always look to the future with hope.”

35. “But, of course, the future is sure to hold it’s fair share of miseries. All kinds of shitty sorrows. I find solace in the fact that from each sorrow, comes a little bit of knowledge. And with knowledge comes wisdom.”

36. “And why did I do these fucking things, you ask? Well, it’s simple, really. I thought that fame, fortune, and success was the only way I would ever be happy. And I paid a steep price for this train of thinking. I’ve lost the only woman I’ve ever loved and the only woman who ever loved me.”

37. “My son is the main star of the play—his part is more important than all the other children.”

38. “But, that’s not what I want. And I say fuck what these people want. I made a lot of mistakes on my return to super stardom. I screwed alotta pooches—I fucked alotta folks. I labored for far too long for lesser men.”

39. “You know, April, when I told you that I was unhappy with you and the kids, that wasn’t true. I was never unhappy with you guys, I was unhappy with myself. I just wanted to be a success. It turns out I was a success the whole entire time. As a father, a husband, and a pretty goddamn good one at that. I just thought you should know.”

40. “Many moons ago the white man stole their land, so they’re instantly gonna have a hatred for you. I want you to keep Dakota by your side, and never show ’em an ounce of fear—one day, you can gain their respect.”

41. “Oddly enough, the people here aren’t that different from the ones back home, when you get past the lack of interest in real sports, and the need to have yellow rice at every fuckin’ meal.”

42. “Hello. School, can you hear me? Good morning, students, teachers, faculty members, lunch ladies, janitors. This is Kenny Powers, professional baseball player, and I got something I wanna say. A lot of you motherfuckers think you know who Kenny Powers is.”

43. “I got two hard rules I live by, Pop; I don’t fuck with the devil, and I never do tag-teams with blood relatives. Take it easy, old man.”

44. “I do all these things not because I want to, but because I have to. From this moment forward, Kenny Powers is just like everyone else; normal, not special; no hopes or dreams; pretending to be happy when he’s really super sad. Just an average guy, with exceptional hair.” 45. “In most of nature, the alpha is the strongest of the pack. Creatures of immense strength, large in size, a leader from birth, hippos, bumblebees, Wayans brothers—most of the time, they just look to the biggest amongst them.”

46. “Goddamn fangs, lookin’ like a motherfuckin’ extra from Blade. Oh, we wanna talk about hair? Let’s talk about hair for a second, shall we? Let’s talk about that bald-ass, shiny head of yours; lookin’ like the black Destro. Honestly, this motherfucker looks like a Milk Dud. Nah, nah, nah, you don’t have to be a Milk Dud.”

47. “Did this tale end the way I thought it would? Probably not. But as long as I win, who gives a shit.”

48. “A lot of people ask me, ‘Kenny Powers, you’re a giant star. You can get any woman. Have you ever paid for sex?’ And the answer is yes, I have. And it’s actually kinda cool. You can negotiate practically anything and sometimes, even just kind of do stuff in the moment that you never agreed to pay for and it goes by without much argument.”

49. “People say, Kenny Powers is a woman hater. That’s not true. I love women. Every fucking one of them, even the ugly as shit ones. But, don’t ask me to trust ’em. Not even nuns, because every pair of tits comes with a gaping hole of need that even Kenny Powers can’t fill.”

50. “This is a real job, it’s not like teaching kids. I can’t get fucked up.”

51. “This one coach tried to put me on a weight training program, and I was all like, ‘You and your weights can fuck off somewhere. I’m not lifting that shit. It’s heavy. You tell me why I need strength training when I’m strong enough to throw a goddamn 100 mile per hour pitch? Fuck that.’”

52. “No offense, but you got a shitty job, you’re not quite as tall as me, nobody really respects you. Now, me, on the other hand, I got the glory. I get the fame, the money, the jewels, the cash, the Denali. Getting drunk on the reg, fucking good times on the reg, yachts on the reg, sex on the reg. Basically, all the shit that most men fantasize about. But, you get April.”

53. “Purity—it’s what we all desire, and it is what I’ve come here to share with you. Hence the all whites.”

54. “I broke that birdbath for you ‘cause I knew you hated it, ‘cause we’re the same. I hate that fucking thing too. A stork, wrapped around a tree branch, that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen before. You know that’s how the plague started, back in the day. It was from a little disgusting birdbath in someone’s backyard that rats made sex to birds in it and created a whole new type of aids.”

55. “All right, so let me get this straight. I’m gonna pay for a blow job, and I gotta pay for a goddamn hotel room too? That just seems like I’m spending too much money for nothing. I’ve got a house. You can just get over here. I can just do the blowjob here. And can I wear the Scream mask? The mask from Scream? While I do you from behind.”

56. “Sounds like Fifty Shades of Gross to me, motherfucker.”

57. “Cut to black. Audience goes fucking apeshit.”

58. “Whenever I look at a Mexican, I will think of you. Whenever you look at that jackass, you think of me, okay?”

59. “Is that my thong? Oh, dude no way! You do not go in my drawers and take out a pair of my chones. That is a big no-no!”

60. “How does any genius figure out his inventions? I mean, how did figure out about gravity? ‘Cause the bitch was sleepin’ underneath a tree and an apple hit him on his head.”

61. “Why give 100% when 35% will get you paid and laid?”

62. “Toby, what do you want from me? I’ve been super cool to you. I’ve given you a bowl of Chex Mix and some water. Why are you making curses upon me? If I give you a toy, will that erase the curse?”

63. “I can’t believe I opened up my heart up to that bitch. Opened it wide up. And she just squatted with that big beautiful booty and dumped all over it.”

64. “What is that smell? What did you eat? Diarrhea?”

65. “God has taken a dump on my face. The love of my life doesn’t want to have sex with me ‘cause she’s marrying some smoothie eatin’ fairy.”

66. “Yeah, I’ve actually had multiple orgasms on jet skis. Maybe it’s something in our blood that we can just ya know, get hard from riding fuckin’ badass ya know, terrain vehicles water crafts—.”

67. “Honey, I love you. I think you’re a terrific girl. But you have clothes like a fucking dickhead.”

68. “You named your baby after Titanic? What’s this mother fucker’s name? Shrek?”

69. “When we were kids, me and your Dad used to beat the shit out of these retard brothers that used to live down the street from us. Hilarious! I mean this guy was the most ruthless one! Now, I’m sittin here, he’s got a family, nice shirt on.”

70. “Oh, you think that’s funny? How ’bout I show you my balls right now and you can tell me if they shrunk, huh? No, for your information, I have full-size balls. Next question.”

71. “Okay, Toby, here we go, bud. We’re going to put you on the big people’s furniture. Try not to shit all over it, okay?”

72. “I’m genuinely am sorry. I brought you guys up from less than fucking nothing and took you up to a championship level, only to leave you high and dry. Naked and nude. Prey. Easy targets for the competitions to rape and butt-fuck you. I’m sorry for that.”

73. “That’s a toy that I made for Toby. It’s a fake T. Rex with a dildo crammed up its asshole. It’s one of Toby’s favorites. When you turn it on, it moves. Dildo-saurus Rex, heh.”

74. “You know what? I can already tell that I don’t like you. And I’m probably not gonna like you no matter how many pull-ups or push-ups you do. All right, anybody who wants to pick on anybody in class, aim for him, ‘cause I’m not watching.”

75. “I paid cash for the motherfucker. Bought it with an advance that I was paid for this, uh—self help novel I’m about to have published onto the Oprah’s book clubs. Pretty much saved all my pennies from my major league days. Invested a lot of it very wisely in stocks, bonds, famous works of arts.”

76. “Don’t get all excited, dude. 3D is gay. Nobody wants to sit on a couch, wearing glasses, popping bubbles out of the air like some sorta fucked up Ray Charles. Oh, you like 3D? Well here’s a burrito, coming right at ya!”

77. “Mongoloid Mike? Is that what you used to call him?”

78. “Listen here, you beautiful bitch. I’m about to fuck you up with some truth.”

79. “Her son? You came out of her vagina? I was all up in that shit last night!”

80. “Look at the goddamn sax player from ‘Lost Boys’ out here trying to rub the goddamn language barrier in my face.”

81. “Oh, what do I know? I know that one of us had their own personal stylist and one of us shoplifts their shit from Fashion Bug. That’s what I know.”

82. “I am talking about me. I want—these are questions about me personally as a superstar. You know, you got this moment in time here with an American icon and you’re gonna waste it asking a question about the fucking mile?”

83. “You want to know about relationships? I know all there is to know. Just ask my second wife, Tina. Yeah, she was a stripper. And if Montel Williams wants to talk shit some more then he can go fuck himself cause those charges were dropped.”

84. “In America, people fucking hate soccer, and honestly, that’s the way it should be. You kinda like soccer? I’m gonna pretend you didn’t just make my dick go soft. Yeah, no, it’s totally soft. I feel like it’s just gone back inside of me with that like, ‘No, don’t talk about soccer.’”

85. “That sweet tailpipe of yours did have me charmed. It put a spell on me, but all the ass magic in Mexico can’t change Kenny Powers from his core beliefs. I’m not an ass man. I’m a tit man. I like big ass boobs—now, and forever. I’m not like a black guy, Vida.”

86. “Well, my comeback is almost complete, and I can say that when it is complete, it will shake the pillars of this land or town. My story is the story of a raging Christ figure who tore himself off the cross and looked at the Romans, with blood in his eyes, and said, ‘My turn now, cocksuckers.’”

87. “Well, I’m here today to tell y’all you don’t know shit. There comes a time in every man’s life when he’s got to take a look at himself in a mirror and decide just exactly who he is. Well, I’ve come to that crossroads and I’ve decided. Kenny Powers is a man. Kenny Powers is an athlete. Kenny Powers is a lover. But the most he is, I mean, the thing that Kenny Powers is the most, is a goddamn champion.”

88. “I’m Kenny Powers! And I am very upset with how I am acting right now. I just have a very hard time expressing my emotions, and I can’t stop from yelling.”

89. “Nothing more, nothing less. From this moment forward, the People’s Champion, the Shelby Sensation, the Reverse Apache Master, the Man with the Golden Dick, Dr. Cock and Balls—that Kenny Powers is now dead. And he will never pick up a baseball ever fucking again.”

90. “Me, I’m doing it for a girl I had to leave behind just to get this far. Now I gotta go a little further to get back to her. All I can do is hope that one day she’ll understand, and when that day comes, it’s not too late.”

91. “I used my God given abilities to destroy men’s lives. I betrayed good people. I ruthlessly stepped upon the weak and the strong, I turned ’em into my slaves. Even was nothing to me—powerless.”

92. “And the one thing a champion does not do is fucking quit. A true champion faces his enemies and he conquers them. And that is why I’m here today to tell you all that Kenny Powers is officially accepting the position of PE Coach here at Jefferson Davis Middle School. That is, until the majors call me back up. So, let’s get the teaching on!”

93. “I’m your handsome, white Jesus, motherfucker.”

94. “There’s no doubt my stock is soaring. I’m more recognizable than I’ve ever been. I think it’s high time we finally cash in on these lucrative opportunities that my fame has brought upon us.”

95. “You know me, Guy. I’m always ready to bust a nut on this television audience.”

96. “Cassie, big ups to you for being supportive. You’ve got much bigger balls than your husband does. Much better man than him.”

97. “You’re lookin’ for that mallet, but this ain’t Red Lobster, sweetheart. They don’t give you mallets in the fuckin’ expensive restaurants.”

98. “You want to go to therapy? Let’s waste our money on therapy, that’s fine. Not because we can’t afford it—because trust me, sweetheart—we can afford it. It’s just my motto’s always been, just because you have money, you don’t need to be wasting it on frivolous nonsense.”

99. “Decent cookout, April. I don’t believe you’ve met my fuck buddy, Tracey. She’s actually a professional runway model. She’s also a very, very famous painter in France. Yup, she has several works of fine art hanging up in the Loove-ray.”

100. “Before I go, I don’t want to leave you empty handed, I’m going to be signing a personalized headshot for each and every one of you. The only thing I would ask is that you would have your name prepared, because I don’t want to have to ask the same question thirty fucking times.”

101. “You could be Tic Tacs the way your goddamn breath’s been kickin’. You smell like you’ve been chewin’ on buttholes all afternoon—diarrhea buttholes, diarrhea stinky buttholes. Get a toothbrush homes!”

102. “Goddamn! I’m shitting gold these days! Kinda makes me wonder why the hell so many people are tryin’ to tell me to slow down. Seems like motherfuckers should be shuttin’ the hell up, and enjoy the show.”

103. “This is me every night dude, just staring at buttholes and getting a buzz on.”

104. “Well, that might be alright for you, but I was born to fly, dog. Michael Jordan—Air Jordan’s Air Max’s—number 24.”

105. “I’m also an orphan. My dad ran out on me when I was just a kid. All he left was a batch of hepatitis on the toilet seat.”

Wise Kenny Powers Quotes That Give Great Advice

106. “Somebody got a saltwater motherfuckin’ pool. That’s right. So let the deep, sparkly waters serve as a symbol to each of you—that if you work hard enough, if you dream big enough, anything is possible.”

107. “Know that you’ll never, ever reach the heights that you’re gonna reach tonight. But you can leave here knowing that you helped Kenny Powers’ dreams come true—for a bunch of Mexican baseball players, that ain’t too bad.”

108. “But, a true champion, face to face in his darkest hour, will do whatever it takes to rise above. A man fights, fights, and fights some more. Because surrender is death, and death is for pussies. And my ass ain’t no pussy. My ass is a fucking champion.”

109. “Therefore, I will now settle into this new life. I’ll find new ways in which to use this arm. I will take my current responsibilities seriously, and try to do them the best that I possibly can. And realizing that the love of my life has chosen another, I will move forward—without her.”

110. “I heard that bullshit thrown at me all my damn life. You know what Kenny Powers says? Fundamentals are the crutch for the talentless.”

111. “The best way to get a new team on your side is to trash the last team you played for. Talk shit about how their fans suck and their women have pancake titties. If that doesn’t work, then just like prison, you pick the biggest, baddest dude on the team and you kick him in his fucking teeth.”

112. “Enjoy new things for the very first time in your lives.”

113. “I need to remember that I’m a winner, man. I need to remember that I am better than everyone else.”

114. “Funny thing, when you’re on top of the world, every motherfucker wants to get a piece of your ass. But then, you take a little time off from being unstoppable just to regroup and relax, no one will give you the time of fuckin’ day.”

115. “Just like that, the journey is over, depression is finished, and you’re on your way back to the world of the living, smiling, regular people. The road has been paved with dickheads, backstabbers, and pains in the fuckin’ ass but memories were made, allies were had, pole smokers were toppled, and the truth was discovered.”

116. “There’s gonna be an ass-ton of crabs, lobsters, wine, Bartles & Jaymes, corn on the cob, fuckin’ booger sugar.”

177. “Gross! You’re crop-dusting my whole entire bedroom with your pubes right now. Don’t be sorry, dude. Just cover up that marble sack.”

118. “I’m wearing all black. Outlaws wear black. Fags and cocaine dealers wear white.”

119. “Once again, I’m with the hottest chick in town, buyin’ the most expensive fashions, dinin’ in the fanciest food places, riding around on goddamn jet skis. Rainin’ trim. Hallucinogens. Jet skis again. Throwin’ heat. And getting laid.”

120. “If I had to choose, I mean historically, I’ve always considered myself to be a tit man.”

121. “Yeah, Stevie, I’m pretty sure the guy I’m looking for didn’t direct the fucking Blair Witch Project. Just forget you ever heard the name Eduardo Sanchez. Forget that he supposedly lives in a village near here. Forget that he is not Mexican, but a gringo.”

122. “I love how you’ve sexualized the food. This is perfect for a shopping mall.”

123. “Truth be told, things aren’t going as good for me as I led on to believe. The love of my life married some other dude, and my new girlfriend fed her pussy to the owner of the baseball team I just quit. I stole homeboy’s car, and now I’m probably a wanted fugitive.”

124. “We can do some fucking great things tonight, you guys. Follow me. Walk with me out onto that field. And when you do, you will fucking put your ass out, and you raise your fucking head up.”

125. “Let’s face it, guys, after midnight, this whole fucking place turns into a pumpkin, and you guys all turn back into mice. This is a classic Cinderella tale here. You know, will no longer be a man, he’ll turn into a real boy. George Washington will never be able to cut down the beanstalk. You guys will eventually just go back to bein’ the shittiest Mexican baseball team in Mexico.”

126. “Too hot for hugs here, man. I’ve been battlin’ a war with swamp ass since I got down here.”

127. “A goddamn Mexican standoff in fuckin’ Mexico. I was hoping to get into one of these before I left.”

128. “Can’t help but notice how much they stick together, too. I mean, when you see Mexicans in the States you think, ‘Oh, there’s a group of Mexicans doin’ Mexican things together,’ but here you see that it’s not just because they talk the same language, and are all Catholic. Family means a lot to these people. Relationships, husbands, wives, parents, all that shit.”

129. “Well, I wouldn’t want to ruin a sale, huh? Guess you guys got to make those commissions to be able to buy all the goddamn—the FUBU, and the Oshkosh B’gosh, and the shit the baby’s gonna be wearing. Hey, potential home buyers. Hope ya’ll know there were a lotta rapes that happened in this house.”

130. “The only job I got is teaching a bunch of pisspants how to tie their shoes.”

131. “You should hold onto that, man. They’re about to ban that shit. I’m tryin’ to protect your household.”

132. “Shit, you can die from that?”

133. “You mean Jew York? It’s fucking great.”

134. “Fuck, man, I’m a bulletproof tiger, dude!”

135. “Doing what? Giving Robocop a blowjob?”

136. “There is one image in my life that consistently makes me happy no matter when I think about it. And that image—that one image is your big tits.”

137. “Hey man, Dustin Jr. is a well adjusted kid, he’s responsible enough to own an assault rifle.”

138. “Okay, I’m out. Party’s over. I guess I’ll have to find somebody new to with who will appreciate these. Want some fucking rubies?”

139. “I never got into the mythology. You can smoke the peace pipe till your dick falls off, but I’m not dancing with any wolves no matter how high I get? Not that I get high, but if I did my shit would still believe in our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.”


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