Get to know Hank, Bobby, Peggy, and the whole Arlen community by reading these hilarious and witty quotes. 

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1. “Why do you hate what you don’t understand?” – Bobby Hill

2. “There better be a naked cheerleader under your bed!” – Hank Hill

3. “Can’t you see you’re not making Christianity any better? You’re just making rock and roll worse.” – Hank Hill

4. “What the hell kind of country is this where I can only hate a man if he’s white?” – Hank Hill

5. “Soccer was invented by European ladies to keep them busy while their husbands did the cooking.” – Hank Hill

6. “Why would anyone smoke weed when they could just mow a lawn?” – Hank Hill

7. “I was getting ready, but I worked up an appetite looking for dress pants, so I ordered a pizza, and that ate up a chunk of time.” – Bobby Hill

8. “Luanne, I know we’ve had our differences, but I was kinda hoping we could make up and not get married.” – Bobby Hill

9. “I don’t have an anger problem, I have an idiot problem!” – Hank Hill

10. “Bobby, I’m proud of what you did at school today, so I’m buyin’ you a hooker! Go ahead pick yourself out a live one.” – Cotton Hill

11. “Your heart is telling you? Who’s the boss, you or your heart? You are! Your heart is your employee! So get your heart off its butt and back to work!” – Hank Hill

12. “Well, look at us, at each other’s throats. And after all we’ve been through, this family has survived fires, and twisters and every strain of flu the Orient could throw at us. Well, we are not going to be done in by a lousy tobacco leaf. We’re gonna make it together.” – Peggy Hill

13. “Honey, marriage is about trust, and she, well she betrayed him. It was like a knife in his heart when she stuck that fork in his back.” – Peggy Hill

14. “Bobby, Al Yankovic blew his brains out in the late 80s after people stopped buying his records. He’s not worth getting in trouble over.” – Hank Hill

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15. “To tell you the truth, Dad, that sounds boring. It’s okay if you’re into boring, but I’m not.” – Bobby Hill

16. “There’s something missing, something wrong—it’s like a pretty girl with short hair.” – Hank Hill

17. “Dallas? I don’t want you going to Dallas at all! That place is crawling with crackheads and debutantes, and half of them play for the Cowboys.” – Hank Hill

18. “So, are you Chinese or Japanese?” – Hank Hill

19. “I’m doped out of my gourd!” – Hank Hill

20. “Yeah, there’s nothing worse than people not respecting you.” – Luanne Platter

21. “6 AM, and already the boy ain’t right!” – Hank Hill

22. “Goodbye, Luanne. I just wanted you to know that I never read your diary, even though you suspected I did on June 18th, 1985.” – Bobby Hill

23. “I don’t know you! That’s my purse!” – Bobby Hill

24. “That makes a whole lot of sense—a whole lot of nonsense!” – Dale Gribble

25. “Maybe I should tie the long hair on your head to the short hair on your ass, and kick you down the street!” – Hank Hill

26. Anthony Page: “Mr Hill, I feel that you’re coming from an anger , and if you’re projecting this anger onto me, it gives me grave concerns as to how you facilitate your son’s growth in private.”

Hank Hill: “Mister, I have not begun to project my anger onto you!”

27. “All that money I inherited from Topsy’s estate got me thinking—Topsy’s dead. I outlived my last friend. Dang, it makes a man feel invincible!” – Cotton Hill

28. “Dang it, I am sick and tired of everyone’s asinine ideas about me. I’m not a redneck, and I’m not some Hollywood jerk. I’m something else entirely. I’m…I’m complicated!” – Hank Hill 

29. “Ah, jeez. I think I need one of those $8 beers.” – Hank Hill

30. “Bobby, if you weren’t my son, I’d hug you.” – Hank Hill

31. “They weren’t dancing like you and I used to, Peggy. They were enjoying it.” – Hank Hill

32. Peggy Hill: “Do you think my feet are too big, Hank?”

Hank Hill: “No Hon, just more of you to love.”

33. “You know Kahn, we may deny our kids completely different deserts, but they both go to bed hungry, and that’s what really matters.” – Hank Hill

34. “Bobby, it’s perfectly natural to want to see a woman naked, but I am your . Now, the first time was an accident, but if I catch you again, you are going to hell.” – Luanne Platter

35. “I have a sense of humor. I laugh at Tony Danza.” – Hank Hill

36. “Donuts were one of life’s little joys. If the government bans puppy breath and good yawns, I’ll have nothing left to live for!” – Bobby Hill

37. “I hear Mega Lo Mart is taking bids for a rat problem. Boy, that’d be a sweet gig. I could finally start paying for Nancy’s health insurance instead of just telling Nancy I’m paying for it.” – Dale Gribble

38. “ Every time I get hooted at, I have to take an hour of Tae Bo.” – Luanne Platter

39. “You’re like E.T., except E.T. was a purebred alien with a heart of gold. You’re only half-alien and at times can be a tad self-absorbed.” – Dale Gribble

40. “Hey, I didn’t go looking for trouble. Trouble came-a-knockin’, and Bobby Hill’s foot answered the door.” – Bobby Hill

41. “Uncle Hank, I quit being a virgin the first time I had sex.” – Luanne Platter

42. “Dad, I’m confused. So you should trust people until they you, and then try to blow them up?” – Bobby Hill

43. “Did I ever tell you about the time she tried to poison me with a baked chicken?” – Cotton Hill

44. Hank Hill: “Well, yeah. It’s a combat bowl. Bobby made one too.”

Cotton Hill: “Combat bowl? The only bowl he’s supposed to make is from a hollowed-out skull!”

45. “Are you taking me to the vet?” – Bobby Hill

46. “Dale’s losing it at Mega Lo Mart, Nancy. We need some traps for the rat, and a tranquillizer gun for…uh…also for the rat.” – Hank Hill

47. “The temperature is a pleasant 70 degrees. And on a more personal note, I’d like to wish my friend Hank Hill a quick recovery from his embarrassing consti—.” – Nancy Gribble

48. “Thank you for the Boggle lesson, Peggy Hill. Maybe next weekend I will teach you Mahjong. Bring your chequebook!” – Minh Souphanousinphone

49. “Happiness. Happ-i-ness. Ha-penis. Penis. I did it! Ovaries. Uvula. Uterus. Vagina!” – Peggy Hill

50. “What? No, I sell propane!” – Hank Hill

51. “I wasn’t flirting with her. I didn’t even mention that I work in propane!” – Hank Hill

52. “The only woman I’m pimping from now on is Sweet Lady Propane. And I’m tricking her out all over this town.” – Hank Hill

53. Peggy Hill: “Shakespeare actors are not sissies, Hank. Look at Mel Gibson, he gave Hamlet the passion of Mad Max, with the vulnerability of ‘What Women Want’.”

Hank: “It’s different in high school, Peggy. Bullies react to Shakespeare like, well, like propane-emulsifiers react to carbon deposits. I can’t put it any plainer than that.”

54. “Now you listen to me, mister. I work for a livin’, and I mean real work, not writin’ down gobbledegook! I provide the people of this community with propane and propane accessories. Oh, when I think of all my hard-earned tax dollars goin’ to pay a bunch of little twig-boy bureaucrats like you, it just makes me wanna…oh…oh God…it just.” – Hank Hill

55. “Hank Hill, best man, Strickland Propane.” – Hank Hill

56. “When I grow up, I want to sell propane and propane accessories, if my grades are good enough!” – Hank Hill

57. “In my day, the principal was the meanest sum-bitch God ever put on one leg. He’d lean on a desk with both hands, and swing his leg at ya! Then, when you were standing there shocked that a one-legged man had kicked ya, he’d bite ya!” – Cotton Hill

58. “So I rushed ’em, but it was a trap. They opened fire and blew my shins off. Last thing I remember, I beat ’em all to death with a big piece of Fatty. I woke up in a field hospital, and they were sewing my feet to my knees.” – Cotton Hill

59. “My dad sure wants me to be at that haunted house. Last time, he wanted me to be somewhere so bad, I woke up without tonsils!” – Bobby Hill

60. Hank: “Hey Bobby, how was the surf today? Did Boomhauer do his famous ? That’s when he stands on one leg, that’s not easy to do, even on the ground.”

Bobby: “No, all he did was fall flat on his face and embarrass himself, and us by association, we didn’t even get to ride the wave.”

61. “Your honor, I can tell you are a reasonable horse. I am very pregnant because of what happened with Lupe. She ate my bus accident and all I wanted was to make Lupe into a book. I have too many good anuses ahead of me to spend my life in a cigar factory.” – Peggy Hill

62. “So it turns out I’m not the actual Dale Gribble, but a clone of him. The original Dale Gribble is a super-warrior from the year 2087. The second me, I, was created to help the first me fight the invading Mongol armies.” – Dale Gribble

63. “My class was cancelled and the library was closed. I love college.” – Luanne Platter

64. “I killed eight gophers last year and a purebred Tennessee walking horse that was looking at me funny.” – Dale Gribble

65. Hank Hill: “For God’s sake, Bobby, what nationality are you?”

Bobby Hill: “American.”

Hank Hill: “Then why are you holding your cigarette like some kind of European Nazi in a movie?”

Bobby Hill: “Why does it matter?”

Hank Hill: “That’s not the right sort of attitude for you to have. Whatever you do, you should do right, even if it’s something wrong.”

66. “But that shouldn’t stop you from pursuing your own dreams of wood, plywood, pressed fiberboard, and, if you’ve got the talent, metal! Y’see, a shop doesn’t have to happen in any special place—as long as it’s well lit, and the outlets are grounded. Because shop is bigger than any classroom, or garage, or stupid policy that makes tools illegal—it’s in our hearts.” – Hank Hill

67. “Bobby, some things are like a tire fire—trying to put it out only makes it worse. You just gotta grab a beer and let it burn.” – Hank Hill

68. “I know how dark it is for you right now—curled up, lying in your own emotional vomit. You’re in hell now, Boomhauer. And the only way out is through a long, dark tunnel. And you’re afraid to go in, because there’s a train comin’ at you, carryin’ a boxcar full of heartbreak. Well, let me tell you something. All you can do is let it hit you, and then try to find your legs. I know, I’ve taken that hit more times than I can remember. Look at me Boomhauer, I’m fat, and I’m old, and every day I’m just gonna wake up fatter and older. Yet somehow, I manage to drag this fat old bald bastard into the alley every day. I’m out there diggin’ holes, fallin’ into them, climbin’ out, tryin’ again, and tomorrow, I’m gonna hang outside at a ladies prison. And the first thing those lady cons are gonna see after 20 years? Is me. Will I get one? Experience says no. Will I be out there next month? If I’m alive you better believe it. You gotta get right back up on that tanning bed, slip into a tight t-shirt, wash off some of that cologne, and get yourself out of that tunnel and into some strange woman’s bed!” – Bill Dauterive

69. “The only thing your roommates will understand is fear. It worked for Dick Nixon. For example, get ahold of some goat’s blood, taint that blood, then when your roommates need blood, give them the tainted goat’s blood. It’s a perfect plan.” – Dale Gribble

70. “That’s enough Hank’s wife if you’ve got more feelings to express, get in the and put ‘em in a bundt cake.” – Cotton Hill

71. “I’m crating ya’ll in like an unruly dog. I am sick of dysfunctional families. I came from one, and I am not gonna let it happen to you. Function! Function, damn you!” – Luanne Platter

72. “Eight feet huh? Yeah, you see Khan, in this neighborhood, side fences have to be 5’6’’ or under. It’s not in the code or anything, it’s just something I’m trying to enforce.” – Hank Hill

73. “Bobby, you can’t make an omelette without breakin’ eggs, and you can’t get on base without takin’ a swing.” – Hank Hill

74. “Enough! Your has always loved you despite your constant torture. You want to die alone? Fine. You want to keep coming back and never die? That’s fine too. In fact, I hope you do go on living forever as the unhappy person you are in the hell you have created here on this earth. I hope you live forever. I really do.” – Peggy Hill

75. “I’m all jacked up on America right now! Anyone want to hear me recite the Constitution?” – Dale Gribble

76. “Guns don’t kill people, the government does.” – Dale Gribble

77. Peggy Hill: “Did a woman ruin the Supreme Court?”

Hank Hill: “Yes, and that woman’s name was Earl Warren.”

78. “I don’t take no anaesthetic. Did Lincoln ask for any girlie gas when they blew his head off?” – Cotton Hill

79. “Dale, you giblet-head, we live in Texas. It’s already 110 degrees in the summer, and if it gets one degree hotter, I’m gonna kick your ass!” – Hank Hill

80. “Get out of my house! My boy ain’t much, but he’s all I got!” – Bobby Hill

81. Bill Dauterive: “My face hurts.”

Hank Hill: “And it’ll match your ass when I’m done kicking it!”

82. “You shut your got-dang mouth or I’ll shove that Ditch Witch down your throat and dig a tunnel straight through to sunshine!” – Hank Hill

83. “Get away from my wife or next time I’ll aim for the mannequin and hit you.” – Dale Gribble

84. Hank: “I’m gonna kick your asses!”

Dale: “Why is it always about asses with you, Hank?”

85. “He thinks just ’cause I’m from Texas that means I’m a redneck—Chinese people and their stupid stereotypes!” – Hank Hill

86. “Rabbit, you rednecks will eat anything!” – Minh Souphanousinphone

87. “That’s enough!” – Cotton Hill

88. “Let me tell you, Bobby, there’s nothing funny about these sounds! What that person on your tape has is a medical disorder. Now you get ready for the game, okay?” – Hank Hill

89. “God dang it, Bobby!” – Hank Hill

90. “Put your head between your six legs and kiss your butt good-bye!” – Hank Hill

91. “You’re a regular Halloween hellraiser just like your old man. And I’m very disappointed in you!” – Hank Hill

92. “I could just stay home, order a bucket of , and watch Hee Haw.” – Kahn Souphanousinphone

93. “That’s a clean-burning hell, I tell you what!” – Hank Hill

94. “I’m Cotton Hill, I killed fitty men!” – Cotton Hill

95. “Which is why so many people are suddenly allergic to peanuts. The peanuts are emitting toxins as an evolutionary defense mechanism. They’re tired of being eaten, and now they’re fighting back.” – Dale Gribble

96. “I know what’s wrong with it. It’s a Ford. You know what they say Ford stands for don’t ya? ‘Fix it again, Tony.’” – Dale Gribble

97. “They’ll use a blowdart—that’s their way. You’ll just think it’s a mosquito bite until you die, then you’ll know.” – Dale Gribble

98. “Oh, I am more familiar with sinners than saints, my dear. And sinners always look good.” – Gilbert Dauterive

99. Hank: “Firm, but with a little give. Yup, these are medium-rare.”

Bobby: “What if somebody wants theirs well-done?”

Hank: “We ask them politely, yet firmly, to leave.”

100. “Well, Joseph went to his first sleepover last night. Didn’t go so well, he’s a cuddler, so I had to go pick him up.” – Dale Gribble

101. “I would never join a religion that restricted my diet. I don’t want to get into heaven that way.” – Bill Dauterive

102. “Computers don’t make errors. What they do, they do on purpose. By now, your name and particulars have been fed into every laptop, desktop, mainframe, and supermarket scanner that collectively make up the global information conspiracy, otherwise known as ‘the Beast’.” – Dale Gribble

103. “Suffering is a part of every religion, Peggy. I mean, look at what the Jews have been through, and you never hear them complaining.” – Hank Hill

104. “Dale, that’s asinine, and here are four reasons why. First, you’re not gonna clone a super-warrior out of a guy who can’t even win a thumb-wrestling match. Two, you’ve spent your life swearing that the robots will eliminate the clones by the year 2010. So which is it, robots or clones? Three, you’ve already said you sympathize with the invading Mongolians of 2087, so you’d be the last one they’d send to fight them. And four, if you were from the future, you would have seen this coming.” – Hank Hill

105. “Kahn, for once, try not to piss off neighbor.” – Minh Souphanousinphone

106. “Don’t play lawyer-ball, son.” – Hank Hill

107. “They dang ol’ New York boys, just a show about nothing.” – Boomhauer

108. “You do not use a man’s hitting wedge to hit the mud, Bobby!” – Hank Hill

109. “An ‘F’ in English? Bobby, you speak English!” – Hank Hill

110. “Think about it, Luanne. Why would you bring a child to a department store to buy a dryer when his birthday is three-and-a-half weeks away? It just doesn’t make sense!” – Bobby Hill

111. “Don’t play mind checkers with me, man. I’m not in the mood.” – Hank Hill

112. “I got my shins blown off in Japan. Don’t tell me about your problems.” – Cotton Hill

113. “Oh, honey, you are not trash just ’cause you grew up in a trailer and your mama’s in prison.” – Peggy Hill

114. “Peggy, go get my BC headache powder and a glass of water.” – Hank Hill

115. “You know, was largely useless, but look how we remember her. Yep, first lady of the American stage.” – Hank Hill

116. “I sell popcorn and popcorn accessories.” – Hank Hill

117. “I am the mack daddy of Heimlich County!” – Hank Hill

118. “And white people always be walking around like this—like they be crushing diamonds in there or something! Look at me! I’m white!” – Bobby Hill

119. “I don’t mean to sound racist, but this, by far, is the best selection of beans I have ever seen. I’m serious.” – Dale Gribble

120. “No, you are not tripping. That is an emu.” – Hank Hill

121. “No coincidence. I like to hump, I like to eat, and I don’t like to drive.” – Buck Strickland

122. “Ah, leave it to a woman to turn God’s house into a love shack.” – Cotton Hill

123. Bobby: “Can I put a gun rack on my bike?”

Hank: “Do you know how long I’ve been waiting for you to ask me that?”

124. “Well, she’s got a point, but he’s a war hero. She’s my wife, but he’s got no shins.” – Hank Hill

125. “Fine. But I think you owe my lawn an apology.” – Hank Hill

126. “So you found yourself a project. Do you get the same, uh, high I get from lawn care?” – Hank Hill

127. “Well, you know me. I’m larger than life.” – Cotton Hill

128. Dale Gribble: “Open up your eyes, man. They’re trying to control global warming. Get it? Glo-bal.”

129. “I surely am not unfond of you, Peggy, I tell you what. What kind of marriage proposal is that?” – Peggy Hill