And make sure to read these and .
1. “You look like a normal person, but actually, you are the angel of death.” – Sally Albright
2. “I love that you get cold when it’s 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you’re looking at me like I’m nuts. I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night.” – Harry Burns
3. “I’ll have what she’s having.” – Old Woman Customer
4. “Nothing. It’s just that all men are sure it never happened to them, and all women at one time or other have done it, so you do the math.” – Sally Albright
5. “I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.” – Harry Burns
6. “When I buy a new book, I read the last page first. That way, in case I die, before I finish, I know how it ends. That, my friend, is a dark side.” – Harry Burns
7. “Everybody, could I have your attention, please? I’d like to propose a toast to Harry and Sally. To Harry and Sally, if Marie or I had found either of them remotely attractive, we would not be here today.” – Jess
8. “That doesn’t mean you’re deep or anything. I mean, yes, basically, I’m a happy person.” – Sally Albright
9. “You know, you may be the first attractive woman I’ve not wanted to sleep with in my entire life.” – Harry Burns
10. “As Harry puts it, men and women can never be friends because ‘the sex part always gets in the way.'” – Nora Ephron
11. “It is so nice when you can sit with someone and not have to talk.” – Harry Burns
12. “How much worse can it get than finishing dinner, having him reach over, pull a hair out of my head, and start flossing with it at the table?” – Sally Albright
13. “I’m saying that the right man for you might be out there right now, and if you don’t grab him, someone else will, and you’ll have to spend the rest of your life knowing that someone else is married to your husband.” – Marie
14. “No man can be friends with a woman he finds attractive.” – Harry Burns
15. “Harry, you’re going to have to try and find a way of not expressing every feeling that you have, every moment that you have them.” – Sally Albright
Related:
16. “Waiter, there is too much pepper on my paprikash.” – Sally Albright
17. “Harry, you might not believe this, but I never considered not sleeping with you a sacrifice.” – Sally Albright
18. “The first time we met, we hated each other.” – Harry Burns
19. “I want you to know that I will never want that wagon wheel coffee table.” – Marie
20. “You know how a year to a person is like seven years to a dog?” – Harry Burns
21. “You made a woman meow?” – Jess
22. “Baby fish mouth!” – Jess
23. “Six years later, you find yourself singing Surrey with a fringe, on top, in front of Ira!” – Harry Burns
24. “You take someone to the airport. It’s clearly the beginning of the relationship. That’s why I have never taken anyone to the airport at the beginning of a relationship. Because eventually, things move on and you don’t take someone to the airport, and I never wanted anyone to say to me, ‘How come you never take me to the airport anymore?'” – Harry Burns
25. “Had my dream again where I’m making love, and the Olympic judges are watching. I’d nailed the compulsories, so this is it, the finals. I got a 9.8 from the Canadians, a perfect 10 from the Americans, and my mother, disguised as an East German judge, gave me a 5.6. Must have been the dismount.” – Harry Burns
26. “Would you like to have dinner? Just friends.” – Harry Burns
27. “You’re the worst kind. You’re high maintenance, but you think you’re low maintenance.” – Harry Burns
28. “I have just as much of a dark side as the next person.” – Sally Albright
29. “Sure. Why don’t you have a dark side? No, you’re probably one of those cheerful people who dot their eyes with little hearts.” – Harry Burns
30. “You know, I have a theory that hieroglyphics are just an ancient comic strip about a character named Sphinxy.” – Harry Burns
31. “Right now, everything is great, everyone is happy, everyone is in love, and that is wonderful. But you gotta know that sooner or later you’re gonna be screaming at each other about who’s gonna get this dish.” – Harry Burns
32. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and the thing is, I love you.” – Harry Burns
33. “Why can’t we get past this? I mean, are we gonna carry this thing around forever?” – Harry Burns
34. “You see? That is just like you, Harry. You say things like that, and you make it impossible for me to hate you. And I hate you, Harry, I really hate you. I hate you.” – Sally Albright
35. “Someone is staring at you in personal growth.” – Marie
36. “The point is, he just spent $120 on a new nightgown for his wife. I don’t think he’s ever gonna leave her.” – Marie
37. “What I’m saying is—and this is not a come-on in any way, shape, or form—is that men and women can’t be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.” – Harry Burns
38. “All this time, I’ve been saying that he didn’t want to get married. But the truth is, he didn’t want to marry me. He didn’t love me.” – Sally Albright
39. “You don’t bounce back from that right away.” – Jess
40. “You say I’m having sex with these men without my knowledge?” – Sally Albright
41. “That’s what drew her to me.” – Harry Burns
42. “How about you love me too.” – Harry Burns
43. “Marriages don’t break up on account of infidelity. It’s just a symptom that something else is wrong.” – Jess
44. “Yes, it is. You are a human affront to all women, and I am a woman.” – Sally Albright
45. “Harry, I can’t do this anymore. I am not your consolation prize. Goodbye.” – Sally Albright
46. “I thought you didn’t believe men and women could be friends.” – Sally Albright
47. “We were friends for a long time.” – Sally Albright
48. “Yeah, that’s the point. I can say these things to her. And the great thing is, I don’t have to lie because I am not always thinking about how to get her into bed. I can just be myself.” – Harry Burns
49. “Doesn’t matter, because the sex thing is already out there, so the friendship is ultimately doomed, and that is the end of the story.” – Harry Burns
50. Sally Albright: “Well, I guess we’re not going to be friends then.”
Harry Burns: “I guess not.”
Sally Albright: “That’s too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York.”
51. “The fact that you’re not answering leads me to believe that (a) You’re not home, (b) You’re home, but you don’t want to talk to me, or (c) You’re home, desperately want to talk to me, but you’re trapped under something heavy. If it’s either (a) or (c), please give me a call.” – Harry Burns
52. “The truth is that men don’t want to be friends with women. Men know they don’t understand women, and they don’t much care. They want women as lovers, as wives, as mothers, but they’re not really interested in them as friends. They have friends. Men are their friends. And they talk to their male friends about sports, and I have no idea what else.” – Harry Burns
53. “You didn’t hate me. I hated you. And the second time we met, you didn’t even remember me.” – Sally Albright
54. “No one has ever quoted me back to me before.” – Jess
55. “If the two people are in relationships, the pressure of possible involvement is lifted. That doesn’t work either, because what happens then is, the person you’re involved with can’t understand why you need to be friends with the person you’re just friends with. Like it means something is missing from the relationship, and why do you have to go outside to get it? And when you say, ‘No, no, no it’s not true, nothing is missing from the relationship,’ the person you’re involved with then accuses you of being secretly attracted to the person you’re just friends with, which you probably are.” – Harry Burns
56. “Everybody thinks they have good taste and a sense of humor, but they couldn’t possibly all have good taste.” – Marie
57. “That’s it? Some faceless guy rips off all your clothes, and that’s the sex fantasy you’ve been having since you were twelve?” – Harry Burns
58. “A Sheldon can do your income taxes. If you need a root canal, Sheldon’s your man, but humpin’ and pumpin’ is not Sheldon’s strong suit. It’s the name. ‘Do it to me, Sheldon, you’re an animal, Sheldon, ride me, big Shel-don.’ Doesn’t work.” – Harry Burns
59. “He just met her. She’s supposed to be his transitional person. She’s not supposed to be the one.” – Sally Albright
60. “Restaurants are to people in the ’80s what theatres were to people in the ’60s. I read that in a magazine.” – Marie
61. “Oh really? Well, that ‘symptom’ is fucking my wife.” – Harry Burns
62. “If you could take him back now, would you?” – Harry Burns
63. “Harry, you’re gonna have to move back to New Jersey because you’ve slept with everybody in New York, and I don’t see that turning Helen into a faint memory for you. Besides, I will make love to somebody when it is making love. Not the way you do it like you’re out for or something.” – Sally Albright
64. “You’re talking dream date compared to my horror. It started out fine, she’s a very nice person, and we’re sitting, and we’re talking in this Ethiopian restaurant she wanted to go to. I was making jokes, like, ‘Hey, I didn’t know they had food in Ethiopia. This’ll be a quick meal. I’ll order two empty plates, and we can leave.” – Harry Burns
65. “Tell me I’ll never have to be out there again.” – Marie
66. “How long do you like to be held after sex? All night, right? See, that’s your problem. Somewhere between 30 seconds and all night is your problem.” – Harry
67. “Yeah, like the other night, I made love to this woman. It was so incredible. I took her to a place that wasn’t human. She actually meowed.” – Harry Burns
68. “No, it’s just different. It’s a whole different perspective. I get the woman’s point of view on things. She tells me about the men she desires, and I can talk to her about the women that I see.” – Harry Burns
69. “The first date back is always the toughest, Harry.” – Sally Albright
70. “Women, on the other hand, are dying to be friends with men. Women know they don’t understand men, and it bothers them—they think that if only they could be friends with them, they would understand them and, what’s more—and this is their gravest mistake—it would help.” – Harry Burns
71. “But I’d like the pie heated, and I don’t want the ice cream on top—I want it on the side. And I’d like , instead of vanilla, if you have it. If not, then no ice cream, just whipped cream, but only if it’s real. If it’s out of a can, then nothing.” – Sally Albright
72. “They should put the two sections together, real estate and obituaries—Mr. Klein died today, leaving a wife, two children, and a spacious three-bedroom apartment with a wood-burning fireplace.” – Harry Burns
73. “You don’t see that? Waiter, I’ll begin with a house salad, but I don’t want the regular dressing. I’ll have the balsamic vinegar and oil but on the side. And then the salmon with the mustard sauce, but I want the mustard sauce on the side. ‘On the side’ is a very big thing for you.” – Harry Burns
74. “Well, if you must know, it was because he was very jealous, and I had these days of the week underpants.” – Sally Albright
75. “Well, they haven’t faked it with me.” – Harry Burns
76. “And was it worth it? The sacrifice for a friend you don’t even keep in touch with?” – Harry Burns
77. “Friday. Helen comes home from work, and she said, ‘I don’t know if I want to be married anymore.’ Like it’s the institution, you know, like it’s nothing personal, just something she’s been thinking about in a casual way. I’m calm, I say, ‘Why don’t we take some time to think about it, you know, don’t rush into anything.'” – Harry Burns
78. “I got married so I can stop dating. So, I don’t see where we can still date is any big incentive, since the last thing you want to do is date your wife, who’s supposed to love you, which is what I’m saying to you, that’s when it occurs to me that maybe she doesn’t. So I say to her, ‘don’t you love me anymore?’ You know what she says? ‘I don’t know if I’ve ever loved you.'” – Harry Burns
79. Sally Albright: “Three months later, we got married.”
Harry Burns: “It only took three months.”
Sally Albright: “Twelve years and three months.”
80. “Well, basically, it’s the same dream I’ve been having since I was 12.” – Sally Albright
81. “Amanda mentioned you had a dark side.” – Sally Albright
82. “There are two kinds of women—high maintenance and low maintenance.” – Harry Burns
83. “Well, I just want it the way I want it.” – Sally Albright
84. “She looked out the window, and she saw this man and this woman with these two little kids. And the man had one of the little kids on his shoulders, and she said, ‘I spy a family.’ And I started to cry. You know, I just started crying. And I went home, and I said, ‘The thing is, Joe, we never do fly off to Rome on a moment’s notice.'” – Sally Albright
85. “But it’s there. It’s just sitting there, like some big dead end. And it’s not the same for men. Charlie Chaplin had kids when he was 73.” – Sally Albright
86. “No, I’m a writer, I know dialogue, and that’s particularly harsh.” – Jess
87. “Please, Jess, Marie. Do me a favor, for your own good, put your name in your books right now before they get mixed up, and you won’t know whose is whose. ‘Cause someday, believe it or not, you’ll go 15 rounds over who’s gonna get this coffee table. This stupid wagon wheel Roy Rogers Garage Sale Cofee Table!” – Harry Burns
88. “Maybe I only miss the idea of Helen. No, I miss the whole Helen.” – Harry Burns
89. “How do you expect me to respond to this?” – Sally Albright
90. Jess: “I thought you liked it!”
Harry Burns: “I was being nice!”
91. “How about I’m leaving.” – Sally Albright
92. “No. But why didn’t he want to marry me? What’s the matter with me?” – Sally Albright
93. “I don’t have to take this crap from you.” – Sally Albright
94. “If you’re so over Joe, why aren’t you seeing anyone?” – Harry Burns
95. “Then, she tells me that somebody in her office is going to South America, and she can sublet his apartment. I can’t believe this, and the doorbell rings, ‘I can sublet his apartment.’ The words are still hanging in the air, you know, like in a balloon attached to a mouth.” – Harry Burns
96. “So I said, ‘Helen, when did you make this arrangement?’ She says, ‘A week ago.’ I said, ‘You’ve known for a week, and you didn’t tell me?’ And she says, ‘I didn’t want to ruin your birthday.'” – Harry Burns
97. “Why are you getting so upset? This is not about you.” – Harry Burns
98. “She looked weird, didn’t she? She looked really weird.” – Harry Burns
99. “I’m sorry, Harry. I know it’s New Year’s Eve. I know you’re feeling lonely, but you just can’t show up here, telling me you love me and expect that to make everything alright. It doesn’t work this way.” – Sally Albright
100. “The story of my life isn’t even going to get us out of Chicago. I mean, nothing’s happened to me yet. That’s why I’m going to New York.” – Sally Albright
101. Sally Albright: “They don’t make Sunday.”
Harry Burns: “Why not?”
Sally Albright: “Because of God.”
102. “Yeah. Of course, when I asked her where she was when Kennedy was shot, she said ‘Ted Kennedy was shot?'” – Harry Burns
103. “You know, I’m so glad I never got involved with you. I just would have ended up being some woman you had to get up out of bed, and leave at 3:00 in the morning, and go clean your andirons, and you don’t even have a fireplace, not that I would know this.” – Sally Albright
104. “Does that mean that we should forget old acquaintances? Or does it mean that if we happened to forget them, we should remember them, which is not possible because we already forgot ’em?” – Harry Albright
105. “Trust me, she looked weird. Her legs looked heavy. Really, she must be retaining water.” – Sally Albright
106. “What’s so hard about finding an apartment? What you do is look in the obituary section. You see who died, find out where they lived, and tip the doorman.” – Harry Burns
107. Harry Burns: “When did I say that?”
Sally Albright: “On the ride to New York.”
108. “Oh, geez. Call the cops. It’s already out there.” – Harry Burns
109. “So you can write about things that happen to other people?” – Harry Burns
110. “Draw something resembling anything.” – Jess
111. “With whom did you have this great sex?” – Harry Burns
112. “At least I got the apartment.” – Sally Albright
113. “I like saying it’s in the den. It’s got a nice ring to it.” – Jess
114. “Sally writes for New York magazine.” – Harry Burns
115. “Is Harry bringing anybody to the wedding?” – Sally Albright
116. “So, you’re saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?” – Sally Albright
117. “No. You pretty much want to nail ’em too.” – Harry Burns
118. “He just bumped into Helen.” – Sally Albright
119. “We’ve got 18 hours to kill before we hit New York.” – Harry Burns
