120 Seinfeld Quotes on Life & Everything in Between

1. “Why do I always have the feeling that everybody’s doing something better than me on Saturday afternoons?” – Jerry

2. “You know, I got a great idea for a cologne. ‘The Beach.’ You spray it on and you smell like you just came home from the beach.” – Kramer

3. “What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they’re trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?” – Jerry

4. “I will never understand the bathrooms in this country. Why is it that the doors on the stalls do not come all the way down to the floor?” – George

5. “Tuesday has no feel. Monday has a feel. Friday has a feel. has a feel.” – Newman

6. “Can you die from an odor? I mean, like if you were locked in a vomitorium for two weeks, could you actually die from the odor?” – Elaine

7. “Hey, how come people don’t have dip for dinner? Why is it only a snack? Why can’t it be a meal, you know? I don’t understand stuff like that.” – Puddy

8. “Look, I have a few good years left. If I want a Chip Ahoy, I’m having it.” – Morty Seinfeld

9. “You have the chicken, the hen, and the rooster. The goes with the hen, so who is having sex with the rooster?” – Frank Costanza

10. “Do you ever get down on your knees and thank God you know me and have access to my dementia?” – George

11. “Moles—freckles’ ugly cousin.” – Kramer

12. “Hey George, what do you like better? The ‘bro’ or the ‘mansiere?’” – Frank Costanza

13. “I can’t go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?” – Jerry

14. “What evidence is there that cats are so smart, anyway? Huh? What do they do? Because they’re clean? I am sorry. My Uncle Pete showers four times a day and he can’t count to 10. So don’t give me hygiene.” – Elaine

15. “Do you ever dream in 3D? It’s like the bogeyman is coming right at you.” – Kramer

16. “I’ve never assisted in a birth before. It’s really quite disgusting.” – George

17. “Jerry, my face is my livelihood, my allure, my twinkle! Everything I have, I owe to this face.” – Kramer

18. “I guarantee you that Moses was a picker. You wander through the desert for 40 years with that dry air. Are you telling me you’re not going to have occasion to clean the house a little bit?” – George

19. “What is it about sleep that makes you so thirsty? Do dreams require liquid? It’s not like I’m running a marathon, I’m just lying there.” – Jerry

20. “I’m going to save up every rupee. Someday, I will get back to America, and when I do, I will exact vengeance on this man. I cannot forget him. He haunts me. He is a very bad man. He is a very, very bad man.” – Babu Bhatt

21. “He stopped short? That’s my move. I’m gonna kill him!” – Frank Costanza

22. “A preemptive . This is an incredible idea. I have nothing to lose. We either break up, which she would do anyway, but at least I go out with some dignity. Completely turn the tables. It’s absolutely brilliant.” – George

23. “I don’t even care about cops. I wanna see more garbage men. It’s much more important. All I wanna see are garbage trucks, garbage cans, and garbage men. You’re never gonna stop crime, we should at least be clean.” – Jerry

24. “I’m busting, Jerry! I’m busting!” – George

25. “I’ll go, if I don’t have to talk.” – Elaine

26. “I can’t die with dignity. I have no dignity.” – George

27. “I can’t do this anymore, it’s too long! Just tell your stupid story about the stupid desert and just die already! Die!” – Elaine

28. “Somewhere in this hospital, the anguished squeal of Pigman cries out!” – Kramer

29. “Like I don’t know I’m pathetic.” – George

30. “Sex that’s meaningless, I can understand that, but dinner; that’s heavy. That’s like an hour.” – Jerry

31. “That’s the bra I gave her. She’s wearing it as a top! The woman is walking around in broad daylight with nothing but a bra on. She’s a menace to society.” – Elaine

32. “Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don’t stare at it. It’s too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.” – Jerry

33. “You can’t believe this woman. She’s one of those low-talkers. You can’t hear a word she’s saying! You’re always going, ‘Excuse me, what was that?’” – Jerry

34. “A bra is for ladies. I’m talking about a support undergarment specifically designed for men.” – Kramer

35. “I’d rather be dating the blind. You know you could let the house go. You could let yourself go. A good-looking blind woman doesn’t even know you’re not good enough for her.” – George

36. “She dumped me! She rolled right over me! Said I was a hipster doofus. Am I a hipster doofus?” – Kramer

37. “Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you have to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.” – Jerry

38. “I’m not a lesbian! I hate men, but I’m not a lesbian.” – Elaine

39. “People on dates shouldn’t even be allowed out in public.” – Jerry

40. “You’re through, Soup Nazi. Pack it up. No more soup for you. Next!” – Elaine

41. “You dipped the chip. You took a bite. And you dipped again. That’s like putting your whole mouth right in the dip! From now on, when you take a chip, just take one dip and end it.” – Timmy

42. “Hey! So what’s the deal with brunch? I mean that if it’s a combination of breakfast and lunch, how comes there’s no ‘lupper’ or no ‘linner’?” – Jeannie

43. “Salad! What was I thinking? Women don’t respect salad eaters.” – Jerry

44. “Three squares? You can’t spare three squares?” – Elaine

45. “The sea was angry that day, my friends, like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli.” – George

46. “It’s the best part. It’s crunchy, it’s explosive, it’s where the muffin breaks free of the pan and sort of does its own thing. I’ll tell you. That’s a million-dollar idea right there. Just sell the tops.” – Elaine

47. “Hunger will make people do amazing things. I mean, the proof of that is cannibalism.” – Jerry

48. “Well, you know what they say, you don’t sell the steak, you sell the sizzle.” – Kramer

49. “Look to the cookie, Elaine!” – Jerry

50. “But out of that, a new holiday was born. A festivus for the rest of us.” – Frank Costanza

51. “I love a good nap. Sometimes, it’s the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning.” – George

52. “Fake! Fake! Fake! Fake!” – Elaine

53. “Human, it’s human to be moved by a fragrance.” – Kramer

54. “Yada yada yada.” – Elaine

55. “You know, I always wanted to pretend I was an architect.” – George

56. “Maybe the dingo ate your baby!” – Elaine

57. “Oh, understudies are a very shifty bunch. The substitute teachers of the theater world.” – Kramer

58. “That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.” – Jerry

59. “I just couldn’t decide if he was really sponge-worthy.” – Elaine

60. “Jerry, just remember, it’s not a lie if you believe it.” – George

61. “Just remember, when you control the mail, you control information.” – Newman

62. “I think if one’s going to kill oneself, the least you could do is leave a note—it’s common courtesy. I don’t know, that’s just the way I was brought up.” – George

63. “Hey, believe me, baldness will catch on. When the aliens come, who do you think they’re gonna relate to? Who do you think is going to be the first one getting a tour of the ship?” – George

64. “People don’t turn down money! It’s what separates us from the animals.” – Jerry

65. “Why is nice bad? What kind of a sick society are we living in when nice is bad?” – George

66. “Borrowing money from a friend is like having sex. It just completely changes the relationship.” – George

67. “You know the message you’re sending out to the world with sweatpants? You’re telling the world, ‘I give up. I can’t compete in normal society. I’m miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.’” – Jerry

68. “Why does everything have to be ‘us’? Is there no ‘me’ left? Why can’t there be some things just for me? Is that so selfish?” – George

69. “Did you know that the original title for ‘War and Peace’ was ‘War, What Is It Good For?’” – Jerry

70. “I can’t stand kids. Adults think it’s so wonderful how honest kids are. I don’t need that kind of honesty. I’ll take a deceptive adult over an honest kid any day.” – George

71. “George, we’ve had it with you. Understand? We love you like a son, but even parents have limits.” – Frank Costanza

72. “I don’t think George has ever thought he’s better than anybody.” – Elaine

73. “I love the name ‘Isosceles.’ If I had a kid, I would name him Isosceles. Isosceles Kramer.” – Kramer

74. “Yeah, I’m a great quitter. It’s one of the few things I do well. I come from a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter, was a quitter. I was raised to give up.” – George

75. “When you look annoyed all the time, people think that you’re busy.” – George

76. “Listen carefully. has never laughed. Ever. Not a giggle, not a chuckle, not a tee-hee, never went ‘Ha!’” – George

77. “He’s a regifter.” – Elaine

78. “You’re killing independent George!” – George

79. “He’s a close talker.” – Elaine

80. “I spend so much time trying to get their clothes off, I never thought of taking mine off.” – George

81. “How long does it take to find a bra? What’s going on in there? You ask me to get a pair of underwear, I’m back in two seconds. You know about the cup sizes and all? They have different cups.” – Frank Costanza

82. “Do you think it’s effeminate for a man to put clothes in a gentle cycle?” – Jerry

83. “Boxers! How do you wear these things!! They’re baggin’ up, they’re rising in! And there’s nothing holding me in place! I’m flippin’! I’m floppin’!” – Kramer

84. “What could possess anyone to throw a party? I mean, to have a bunch of strangers treat your house like a hotel room.” – Jerry

85. “I don’t know how you guys walk around with those things.” – Elaine

86. “I need the secure packaging of jockeys. My boys need a house.” – Kramer

87. “Food and sex—those are my two passions.” – George

88. “I lie every second of the day. My whole life is a sham.” – George

89. “These are my everyday balloons.” – Kramer

90. “I’m speechless. I’m without speech.” – Elaine

91. “Hello, Newman.” – Jerry

92. “Who goes on vacation without a job? What do you need a break from getting up at eleven?” – Jerry

93. “What’s the deal with lampshades? I mean, if it’s a lamp, why do you want shade?” – Jerry

94. “I don’t think I’ve ever been to an appointment in my life where I wanted the other guy to show up.” – George

95/ “You should’ve seen her face. It was the exact same look my father gave me when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist.” – George

96. “We don’t know how long this will last. They are very festive people.” – Elaine

97. “All of a sudden, it hit me. I realized what the problem is—I can’t be with someone like me. I hate myself! If anything, I need to get the exact opposite of me. It’s too much. It’s too much, I can’t take it. I can’t take it.” – Jerry

98. “She has man hands.” – Jerry

99. “I want to be the one person who doesn’t die with dignity.” – George

100. “I’m disturbed, I’m depressed, I’m inadequate, I’ve got it all!” – George

101. “Say you got a big job interview, and you’re a little nervous. Well, throw back a couple shots of Hennigan’s and you’ll be as loose as a goose and ready to roll in no time. And because it’s odorless, why, it will be our little secret.” – Kramer

102. “No one is touching my feet. Between you and me, Elaine, I think I’ve got a foot odor problem.” – Frank Costanza

103. “I’m much more comfortable criticizing people behind their backs.” – George

104. “If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.” – Jerry

105. “There’s more to life than making shallow, fairly obvious observations.” – Jerry

106. “It’s not fair that people are seated first-come, first-served. It should be based on who’s hungriest.” – Elainei’m on

107. “She’s a sentence finisher. It’s like dating Mad Libs.” – Jerry

108. “If you want to make a person feel better after they sneeze, you shouldn’t say ‘God bless you.’ You should say, ‘You’re so good looking!’” – Jerry

109. “My dream is to become hopeless.” – George

110. “I’m out there, Jerry, and I’m lovin’ every minute of it!” – Kramer

111. “If everybody knew everybody, we wouldn’t have the problems we have in the world today. Well, you don’t rob somebody if you know their name!” – Kramer

112. “Is it possible that I’m not as attractive as I think I am?” – Elaine

113. “You’re a rabid anti-dentite! Oh, it starts with a few jokes and some slurs. ‘Hey, denty!’ Next thing you know, you’re saying they should have their own schools.” – Kramer

114. “They don’t have a decent piece of fruit at the supermarket. The apples are mealy, the oranges are dry. I don’t know what’s going on with the papayas!” – Kramer

115. “See, here, you’re just another apple. But in Japan, you’re an exotic fruit. Like an orange, which is rare there.” – Kramer

116. “How long do you have to wait for a guy to come out of a coma before you ask his ex-girlfriend out?” – Jerry

117. “You’re a nice guy, but I actually only have three friends. I can’t really handle any more.” – Jerry