And don’t forget to check out these and .

1. “Life. You could say it started when I was a kid. Like most folks, I’ve always been different. But not like the others. Other kids could be cruel, they’d call me names—dweeb, chimp, honky, dweeby-chimp, honky-dweeb, and worst of all, chomsky-honk. Did you know there’s over 87 combinations of those soul-scalding words? I found out the hard way.” – Xavier

2. “I believe that we are all one. By helping this tiny mosquito, in a way, I’m helping your mother.” – Xavier

3. “I’m a survivor. We’re a dying breed.” – Xavier

4. “Society is about to end, girl, and it’s up to us to start repopulating the planet.” – Xavier

5. “Rain—it’s just God’s tears. I know a shamanic Navaho rain dance that hasn’t just blown minds. It’s blown ducks, ‘tear ducks.’” – Xavier

6. “If these be my last words, then I’d like to leave this world with one final thought, ‘Me no wanna die, mommy! Waaahhh!’” – Xavier

7. “Unload your troubles unto me, even if it’s tough to swallow. I’m used to swallowing huge loads.” – Xavier

8. “People toss those words around like tennis balls. Well, I eat balls for breakfast.” – Xavier

9. “The pride I feel for finally fingering my father’s killer is dampened only by the fact that I promised to kill my father’s killer. I fingered myself to death.” – Xavier

10. “I sentence thee to three glimpses, into your own soul!” – Xavier

11. “I know what your butt did to that boy.” – Xavier

12. “I have the strange feeling that I’ve forgotten all of this before.” – Xavier

13. “What is this place, and who am I? I don’t remember my name. All I remember is that I don’t know my name.” – Xavier

14. “My name is Goldern B. Taintnun, as in, ‘T’ain’t none of yer goldern beeswax!’” – Goldern B. Taintnun

15. “Just got to dump this load in that dirty ‘puter’s floppy slot,’ and collect my kudos.” – Xavier

16. Barcode man: “Do you believe in God?”

Xavier: “That’s a complicated question. It depends on what you mean by ‘God.’ You see, I—.”

Barcode man: “Yes or no?”

17. “Powers are for the weak. I have no powers. I mean, unless you count the power to blow minds with my weapons-grade philosophical insights.” – Xavier

18. “They say when you die, you shit your pants, but not me. I’m gonna shit my heart.” – Xavier

19. “If my dad found out I was using science to help him with his Christian Science, he’d be crushed.” – Robby

20. “You need to move on from losing your father back there. You need closure.” – Xavier

21. “Silly, pain is a myth made up by poor people who don’t want to work!” – Brat

22. Soldier: “Welcome to the US Army, how can I help you?”

Xavier: “I need some of that disease you guys invented.”

23. “Nobody has ever survived our initiation, come give it a try. Here’s my card. It’s got an embossed gold 12-point courier font on bone white semi gloss stock.” – Gang Leader

24. Farmer: “I’m willin’ to try any precipitation boogie you’ve got.”

Xavier: Heeya-haa-heeya awww shucks. I forgot it! But we can jog my memory with the Lakota memory-joggin’ dance.”

25. “Pfft, I could do that with my third eye tied behind my back.” – Xavier

26. The judge: “You are not on trial for shooting the mayor. You are on trial for being on trial!”

Xavier: “But I swear, I’m innocent!”

The judge: “By proclaiming your innocence, you admit that you are on trial!”

27. “Well, I’m a good farmhand, and I don’t need much. Just five hots and a cot. And a queen-size lazy bread bed. And a flatscreen iTV. And a WiFi hotspot. And a breakfast nook. A sauna. Conversation nook. Some o’ them crazy cookies.” – Xavier

28. “A crying lady! I’ll help you. I’m a feminist. I’ll make sexism my bitch. Sexism will be all like, ‘Oh Xavier! You’re so strong! Kissy kissy! You can hit me. I like it.’” – Xavier

29. “This must mean I’ve saved a life. I’m some sort of life-savior? Wonder where’s my reward.” – Xavier

30. “It’s a long, hard, dusty road you’ll journey on through a world you never known. Only time will tell you if or not if your life has been in vain. Each morning sunrise brings question and query, each sunset brings you more doubts. Always you’re searching for what, you’re not even sure, melting away like an icicle on fire.” – Xavier

31. “Well, I tell you, I’d swim through a lake full of water for these cakes. That’s the only thing that would put out the raging fire in my belly for these cakes.” – Robby’s Father

32. “You people have angered the Gods! Why?” – Xavier

33. “I’m too late. If I had been this poor meat in time, he’d still be a delicious man.” – Xavier

34. Woman’s Voice: “Congratulations. You may now begin to play the game.”

Xavier: “Of life.”

35. “Someone stole our bloodhounds, but we got the backup bloodhounds to chase the first-string bloodhounds.” – Police Officer

36. “Every luxury has a deep price. Every indulgence, a cosmic cost. Each fiber of pleasure you experience causes equivalent pain somewhere else. This is the first law of hemodynamics. Joy can be neither created nor destroyed. The balance of happiness is constant. Fact—every time you eat a bite of cake, someone gets horse whipped. Factor—every time two people kiss, an orphanage collapses. Factest—every time a baby is born, an innocent animal is severely mocked for its physical appearance. Don’t be a pleasure hog. Your every smile is a dagger. Happiness is murder. Vote yes on Proposition 1321. Think of some kids. Some kids.” – Hallucination

37. “I wish I knew myself.” – Xavier

38. “What’s that, Mother Earth? You say this factory is poisoning you? And you need my help? What’s that? You want me to repeat everything you say?” – Xavier 

39. “Popo’s urging you to dismiss the power of your rational mind. She’s using fear of death, playing on your insecurities, there’s a rock-solid elegance to the arguments.” – June

40. “So, if I have sex with that gorilla, the entire world will go to Heaven?” – Preacher 

41. First Xavier: “If you love soup so much, why don’t you marry soup?”

Second Xavier: Because I’m already married—to justice.”

First Xavier: “Yeah. Only a blind girl would marry you.”

42. Young Xavier: “Who did this to you guys?”

Xavier’s Father: “Our son.”

Xavier: “I know it was arson, Dad, but who did it?”

43. “Sir, this is private property. The company has a policy of not cottoning to freaks around these parts.” – Security Guard 

44. “Don’t you see? The missing child you each seek to reconnect with is still inside you all. But, you buried it. You, Paul, when you were six and you killed that spider monkey with that claw hammer, you really just squashed your heart with that hammer, and that’s why you became a dirty pig cop.” – The Everchild

45. “How does he explain the fact that his own son’s legs make me want to puke all over them?” – Xavier

46. “Aya-hu! Ay, can’t remember the memory-joggin’ dance. I know the irony is rich, so all we have to do is the Iroquoi irony-melting dance and we’ll be golden.” – Xavier

47. “In this odd dominion, driving backwards over people can mend them!” – Xavier

48. “This is what the tandem cycle of random violence breeds! A vengeful black hit-sludge with a grudge hath brought the reaper you’ve sown in the goo of your guilt, as the créme-de-karma is roosting home to harm ya. It always ends up boning the poor.” – Xavier

49. “People, hurry, get in the way! I’m committing vehicular manburger helper, and it tastes like pure liquid relief. Best part is, I’m helping the earth, getting negative 30 miles to the gallon! Oh, the cops wanna hone in on my heal-deal. I’ll let them co-bask in my reflective glory!” – Xavier

50. “Been saving myself for marriage, or at least consent.” – Xavier

51. Farmer: “Do you remember that one?”

Xavier: “Of course! This noodle is a steel cage! But only God can do that dance, and it has to be raining. That’s the irony part.”

52. “I’m too overcome to speak about my husband’s mysterious death, but Popo has asked to say a few words.” – June

53. Xavier: “I’m looking for Puggler.”

Juggler: “I think he took off, man, to go to Burning Person or something.”

54. “Uh-oh, now there was a factory mix-up! We accidentally mixed up the cookie factory with the tampon factory!” – Television Commercial

55. “No. That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. Maybe he does it because you’re stupid.” – Xavier

56. “My God! No one deserves a mix-up that bad! I’ve got to help those poor bastards.” – Xavier

57. “I’m going to have to go back in time and find who did this painting, and what it means. But, how?” – Xavier

58. “I’m here to announce that we have discovered the oldest cave drawing known to man.” – Television Reporter

59. “I want universal oneness. Can’t you buy it for me, Daddy?” – Brat

60. “But, Master, you can’t punch someone with your mind.” – Young Xavier

61. “Laws? Laws are illegal here!” – The Judge

62. “You’ll jalapeno pants!” – Kid on Chili Side

63. “I’d like to talk to you a lot more about this. Would you be interested in reading some of my literature?” – Xavier

64. “I’m a conundrummer in a band called, ‘Life Puzzler.’” – Xavier

65. “I just needed a hand to tame the beast.” – Xavier

66. “Man, I must have wolfed a mind-burrito, because I just had a massive brain fart.” – Tude

67. Second Xavier: “You got a license to sell hot dogs, chico man?”

First Xavier: “No. They wouldn’t give it to me, because when I was filling out the application, my penis was sticking out.”

Second Xavier: “Oh, yeah? You only got one penis? Let me see it.”

68. “Now boil his blood and get our drugs back. Charge him a recycling fee!” – Gang Leader

69. Xavier’s Father: “Son, it was you who killed me.”

Xavier: “What kind of stupid name is ‘Yoohoo?’ Well, when I find that demon, I shall slay him to death!”

70. “We all have our own way of killing. Me, I like to kill on the beach.” – First Gang Member

71. “Give me back my son! Wait, sorry, I mean drugs.” – Shiny

72. “I’m gonna name him after me. Come on, me!” – Brat

73. “Idiot. He totally missed the board.” – Xavier

74. “The figure is a rather ugly creature, possibly a Chinaman of some sort.” – Television Reporter

75. Diner Employee: “Every cigarette takes 17 minutes off your life.”

Diner Customer: “Every slice of bacon takes nine minutes off your life.”

Xavier: “Can you dumb it down a notch?”

Diner Customer: “If you smoke and eat bacon fast enough, you can go back in time.” 

76. “Closure? The explosion hasn’t even ended yet!” – Roby

77. “What are you, a Chinaman?” – Diner Customer

78. “Bone white? I thought we all agreed to get eggshell white! Absurdity!” – Gang Member

79. “Deal! Sucker, I would’ve settled for every other day.” – Xavier

80. “This is kind of embarrassing, but I like to kill on the toilet.” – Third Gang Member

81. “How long you been standing there, you freak?” – Diner Employee

82. “I’m the leader! I say bone white! Its haunting elegance is so restrained.” – Gang Leader

83. “He’s comparing the universal oneness of all life to your mama!” – Townie

84. “I like to kill to music.” – Second Gang Member

85. “Really? Oh! I just repopulated my pants.” – Xavier

86. “It helps no one to be reductive. I believe that we are here implies to some degree that there are forces larger than us. Now, we can get into the semanticalities.” – Xavier

87. “We’re in a drought. I can give you a plate of weevils every day.” – Farmer

88. “We don’t cotton to strange Chinaman with no sense of self who stand secretly by for indeterminate amounts of time. Gonna put you in a world of hurt.” – Diner Employee

89. “This is how starving people cry.” – Starving Woman

90. “Daddy can’t ever know about my lab. He thinks Science is evil, and the Lord heals all.” – Robby

91. “The very notion of belief itself can be rhetorically whittled to the bare nub of its meaning.” – Xavier

92. “So, you use your powers to save people?” – Townie

93. “We’re at Burning Person.” –Xavier

94. “No, no, no, no. No, not Yoohoo. It was you, damn it! You, Xavier! You killed your own father!” – Xavier’s Father

95. “If we only had rain!” – Farmer

96. “Ooga-booga. How long you stand there, freak? You some kind of ooga-booga Chinaman? Me put you in world of hurt.” – Caveman

97. “Yeah. Did I win some cash?” – Caller

98. “Whoopsie doodle, there was a mix-up at the cookie factory! We made the cookies way too big and the chocolate chips blue!” – Television Commercial

99. “Please get my mommy, so I can tell on you!” – Xavier

100. “It is my sad duty to announce that our sign language translator has donated her hands to the Needy Groper’s Society. In her place we have ‘Popo,’ a very special gorilla from the research center who has been studying sign language under the tutelage of my wife, June, for three years.” – Preacher

101. “What’s that, Popo? She’s saying that this time of great loss illuminates the bonds we share as a community, and for that we must give praise to the Lord. Now, she’s being very eloquent, saying some very touching things. She’s being moving, still being moving.” – June

102. “I accept Jesus Christ into my heart as my personal savior! Yes, made it!” – Shiny

103. “It’s so moving.” – Mourner

104. “We’re back! WCRST, succotash, and the Bird in the morning. The Christian zoo radio hooty-hoo featuring succotash and the Bird in the morning. Accept the Savior, get into the glorious kingdom of Heaven. Succotash, succotash, call us up, win some cash! We got Christ, we got faith, we got traffic on the first, weather on the what, we got Popo the preaching gorilla in the studio, how you doing today, Popo? Kind of making a splash in the preaching scene. Make a splash, make a splash, succotash, call us up, win some cash! Well, it’s 5:55. Let’s check in on the 5 W’s. We got who, what, when, where, why how’s the weather this morning?” – Disk Jockey

105. “Oh! So close was the phrase that pays, and we give praise, bow your heads. Well, thanks for coming in, Popo! Coming up, we got traffic on the first. It’s traffic every one second!” – Disk Jockey

106. “Clumso, the cookie chef really popped a boner into these yummy snacks! Blue chocolate Whoopsie Doodles, available for a limited time only!” – Television Commercial

107. “My husband. He only does, ’cause he love me.” – Cavewoman

108. “Smells like a real creep been in this room.” – Xavier

109. “No time! succotash, succotash, win some cash! Accept Christ into your heart, look down on us from the glorious kingdom of Heaven. Now, Popo, I understand you’re starting your own 700 Club. Seven’s a prime number, you’re in the prime of your life, life could change, win a chunk of change, succotash, succotash, call us up, win some cash! Got a caller on line seven, are you there?” – Disk Jockey

110. Robby: “I gotta go make water.”


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