2. “I’m an early bird and . So, I’m wise and have worms.”

3. “I saved a life—my own. Am I a hero? I really can’t say, but yes!”

4. “An office is not for dying. An office is a place for living life to the fullest, to the max. An office is a place where dreams come true.”

5. “I feel like all my kids grew up and then they married each other. It’s every parent’s dream.”

6. “Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don’t know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes, I spend too much time . Occasionally, I’ll hit somebody with my car. So sue me.”

7. “Sometimes I’ll start a sentence, and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I find it along the way.”

8. “If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.”

9. “Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.”

10. “Do I have a special someone? Well, yeah, of course. A bunch of ’em. My employees.”

11. “Wikipedia is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject. So you know you are getting the best possible information.”

12. “Well, it’s love at first sight. Actually, it was, no, it was when I heard her voice. It was love at first see with my ears.”

13. “They say, on your deathbed, you never wish you spent more time at the office—but I will.”

14. “No, I’m not going to tell them about the downsizing. If a patient has , you don’t tell them.”

15. “Make friends first, make sales second, make love third—in no particular order.”

16. “Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked, but it’s not like this compulsive need to be liked, like my need to be praised.”

17 “The most sacred thing I do is care and provide for my workers, my family. I give them money. I give them food. Not directly, but through the money.”

18. “I love inside jokes. I hope to be a part of one someday.”

19. “I wanna be married and have 100 kids so I can have 100 friends and no one can say ‘no’ to being my friend.”

20. “I know it’s illegal in Pennsylvania, but it’s for charity, and I consider myself a great philanderer.”

21. “Now, you may look around and see two groups here. White-collar, blue-collar. But I don’t see it that way. And you know why not? Because I am collar-blind.”

22. “And I’m optimistic because every day I get a little more desperate.”

23. “The worst thing about prison was the dementors.”

24. “Society teaches us that and crying is bad and wrong. Well, that’s baloney, because grief isn’t wrong. There’s such a thing as good grief. Just ask .”

25. “There is no greater feeling than when two people who are perfect for each other overcome all obstacles and find .”

26. “Any man who says he totally understands women is a fool. Because they are un-understandable.”

27. “I would not miss it for the world. But if something else came up, I would definitely not go.”

28. “It takes you thirty seconds to brush your teeth? Wow, that’s ten times as long as it takes me.”

29. “I guess the attitude that I’ve tried to create here is that I’m a friend first, and a boss second, and probably an entertainer third.”

30. “Reverse psychology is an awesome tool. I don’t know if you guys know about it, but basically, you make someone think the opposite of what you believe. And that tricks them into doing something stupid. Works like a charm.”

31. “Don’t ever, for any reason, do anything for anyone, for any reason, ever, no matter what. No matter where. Or who, or who you are with, or where you are going, or where you’ve been. Ever. For any reason, whatsoever.”

32. “You cheated on me? When I specifically asked you not to?”

33. “I have cause. It is beCAUSE I hate him.”

34. “That’s what she said.”

35. “People will never be replaced by machines. In the end, life and business are about human connections. Computers are about trying to murder you in a lake. And to me, the choice is easy.”

36. “I live by one rule—no office romances, no way. Very messy, inappropriate, no. But, I live by another rule—just do it, Nike.”

37. “You don’t know me, you’ve just seen my penis.”

38. “I’m not gonna cry over it. I did that in the car on the way home.”

39. “Jim and I are great friends. We hang out a ton, mostly at work.”

40. “Two at casino night. I am gonna drop a deuce on everybody.”

41. “Presents are the best way to show how much you care. It’s a tangible thing you can point at and say, ‘Hey man, I love you. This many dollars worth.’”

42. “When the of the deposed king of Nigeria emails you directly, asking for help, you help! His father ran the freaking country! Okay?”

43. “Friends joke with one another. ‘Hey, you’re poor.’ ‘Hey, your mama’s dead.’ That’s what friends do.”

44. “They say that goes by in such a flash that you’re lucky if you even get a piece of your own cake. I say that’s crazy. I say let them eat cake. Margaret Thatcher said that about marriage. Smart broad.”

45. “Yes, money has been a little bit tight lately. But, at the end of my life, when I’m sitting on my yacht, am I going to be thinking about how much money I have? No. I’m going to be thinking about how many friends I have. And my children. And my comedy albums. I mean, I have a yacht, so I obviously did pretty well money-wise.”

46. “And the best way to start is to hit start.”

47. “In Monopoly, you go bankrupt, you lose.”

48. “I’ve always wanted to be in the witness protection program. Fresh start. No debts, no baggage. Already got my name picked out—Lord Rupert Everton. I am a shipping merchant who raises fancy dogs. That’s the life.”

49. “Monkey problems. No, I’m not having monkey problems. Why would I have monkey problems?”

50. “You know what else would’ve been nice? Winning the lottery.”

51. “Where’s Armani? He’s on the phone. Too slow. You’re not going to Paris. I’m so much better than you are.”

52. “I was never in this for the money, but it turns out that the money was an absolute necessity for me. I tried to live the dream. I tried to have a job, a girlfriend, another job, and I failed. But the good thing about the American Dream is that you can just go to sleep, and try it all again the next night.”

53. “I just love sales. I love it to death. It’s as simple as that. And I don’t get to do enough of it as a manager, so I took this second job, kind of as a hobby.”

54. “Look, I know sales and I had that sale. I just needed a few more minutes.”

55. “I know, but I mean, it’s so competitive here. What’s the dollar worth in your land? Medical school must’ve cost, like, 40 bucks or a donkey or something.”

56. “What I do between 5:30 P.M. and 1:00 A.M. is nobody’s business but mine and my other businesses.”

57. “Yeah, tell me about it. You know, Jan has my credit cards and she’s using ’em as if I’m made of money. She thinks I’m a human ATM machine.”

58. “In this dream, I did both of these jobs beautifully. And I loved it. And everybody loved me. The truth is, I can’t do this.”

59. “Yeah. I was thinking about doing some gambling myself. You know, just a little bit of money. Maybe doubling it and then doubling it, several more times.”

60. “I don’t talk to my girlfriend about money. It’s rude and unsexual.”

61. “I Used to have two cars. Traded them in. Now we’re down to one. Good economic sense. Although the new car’s a Porsche. For her.”

62. “I’ve never done this before. I’ve never quit anything in my life, so you are filming history.”

63. “Look, I’ll tell her that it’s bad. It could’ve been a lot worse, but due to some fancy financial footwork I was able to cut it in half.”

64. “My mind is going a mile an hour.”

65. “Here it is. The heart of New York City, Times Square—named for the good times you have when you’re in it.”

66. “I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon, sue me. And since I don’t have a butler, I do it myself. So, most nights before I go to bed, I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman Grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill, I go back to sleep again. Then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon.”

67. “I’m not a millionaire. I thought I would be by the time I was 30, but I wasn’t even close. Then I thought maybe by 40, but by 40, I had less money than I did when I was 30.”

68. “The only time I set the bar low is for limbo.”

69. “It just seems awfully mean. But sometimes, the ends justify the means.”

70. “I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.”

71. “It’s not like booze ever killed anyone.”

72. “I say dance, they say, ‘How high?’”

73. “I had a great summer. I got a West Nile virus, lost a ton of weight. Then I went back to the lake. And I stepped on a piece of glass in the parking lot, which . That got infected. Even though I peed on it.”

74. “Right here is my favorite New York pizza joint, and I’m going to go get me a New York slice.”

75. “Sometimes you have to take a break from being the kind of boss that’s always trying to teach people things. Sometimes, you just have to be the boss of dancing.”

76. “I guess I’ve been working so hard, I forgot what it’s like to be hardly working.”

77. “I don’t hate it. I just don’t like it at all and it’s terrible.”

78. “Jan is cold. If she was sitting across from you on a train and she wasn’t moving, you might think she was dead.”

79. “If you don’t like it, Stanley, you can go to the back of the bus; or the front of the bus or drive the bus.”

80. “What am I doing? I’m blowing dodge. I’m getting out of town. Whatever you call it. I’m running away from my responsibilities. And it feels good.”

81. “The people that you work with are, when you get down to it, your very best friends.”

82. “Pizza—the great equalizer.”

83. “Hate to see you leave, but love to watch you go, because of your butt.”

84. “Well, happy birthday, Jesus. Sorry that your party’s so lame.”

85. “Do you think that doing alcohol is cool?”

86. “I hate so much about the things you choose to be.”

87. “It’s never too early for ice cream.”

88. “When I discovered YouTube, I didn’t work for five days.”

89. “If we come across somebody with no arms or legs, do we bother resuscitating them? I mean, what quality of life do we have there?”

90. “I don’t understand. We have a day honoring , but he didn’t even work here.”

91. “I am Beyonce, always.”

92. “And I knew exactly what to do. But in a much more real sense, I had no idea what to do.”

93. “There’s no such thing as an appropriate joke. That’s why it’s called a joke.”

94. “I would say I kind of have an unfair advantage because I watch reality dating shows like a hawk, and I learn. I absorb information from the strategies of the winners and the losers. Actually, I probably learned more from the losers.”

95. “There were these huge bins of clothes and everybody was rifling through them like crazy. And I grabbed one and it fit! So, I don’t think that this is totally just a woman’s suit. At the very least it’s bisexual.”

96. “I don’t come up with this stuff, I just forward it along. You wouldn’t arrest the guy who was just passing drugs from one guy to another.”

97. “Webster’s Dictionary defines ‘wedding’ as the fusing of two metals with a hot torch.”

98. “If you break that girl’s heart, I will kill you. That’s just a figure of speech. But seriously, if you break that girl’s heart, I will literally kill you and your entire family.”

99. “Okay, too many different words from coming at me from too many different sentences.”

100. “It is St. Patrick’s Day. It is the closest that the Irish will ever get to Christmas.”

101. “ once said that, ‘If you’re a racist, I will attack you with the North.’ And those are the principles that I carry with me in the workplace.”

102. “I learned a while back that if I do not text 911, people do not return my calls. Um, but people always return my calls because they think that something horrible has happened.”

103. “Granted, maybe this was not the best idea, but at least we care enough about our employees that we are willing to fight for them.”

104. “Should have burned this place down when I had the chance.”

105. “It takes an advanced sense of humor. I don’t expect everybody to understand.”

106. “I am Michael, and I am part English, Irish, German, and Scottish—sort of a virtual United Nations.”

107. “Two weeks ago, I was in the worst relationship of my life. She treated me poorly, we didn’t connect, I was miserable. Now, I am in the best relationship of my life, with the same woman. Love is a mystery.”


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